Nonsense and Sensibility
Narrator: Once upon a time there was a man named Mr Henry Dashwood, who was the son of the elder Mr Dashwood and his wife, Mrs Dashwood. The elder Mr Dashwood was the son of his father, Mr Dashwood, who also had a brother, named Mr Dashwood. Mr Henry Dashwood had a wife named Mrs Dashwood and Mr and Mrs Henry Dashwood had a son named Mr John Dashwood, who married Miss Fanny Ferrars, and forthwith was known as Mrs Fanny Dashwood. Mr and Mrs John Dashwood also had a son, named Mr Henry Dashwood. They live in London. Then Mr Henry Dashwood, the older one, his wife, Mrs Dashwood, died, so he married a second time with Mrs Mary Dashwood. Mrs Mary Dashwood bore three daughters – Miss Elinor Dashwood (aged nineteen years), Miss Marianne Dashwood (aged sixteen years), and Miss Margaret Dashwood (aged twelve years). Also, he owned a huge estate called Norland. With me so far?
Norfolk bedroom
Mr Henry Dashwood: Son, I am dying. The law dictates that my estate, and my great fortune, must be left to you alone. My wife, Mrs Mary Dashwood, and our three daughters, Miss Elinor Dashwood, Miss Marianne Dashwood, and Miss Margaret Dashwood, will be left with a mere five and twenty thousand stone a year. They cannot possibley survive on this. HELP THEM!
Mr John Dashwood: Right-o, old chap.
Henry: dies
London, house of Mr John Dashwood
John: I thought since my half-sisters shall have no money to try to bribe men into marrying them, that we may give them a small allowance, you know, make them feel like real human beings. How about a round nine and a half kilometres per fortnight?
Mrs Fanny Dashwood: Admirable sentiments indeed, but you know, I have been thinking. If we give money to your half-sisters, then that would mean we would have less money to spend on ourselves.
John: Well, yes, obviously…
Fanny: SO WHY THE HELL DO YOU WANT TO GIVE THEM ANY?!
John: I suppose, I don't really want to…
Fanny: Excellent, it's all settled then.
John: So, we shall move into the estate, and not give them any money.
Fanny: Quite right, also, I think we should kick them out of Norfolk as well. I mean, if we allow them to live there, it would mean less space for us and our belongings.
John: Well, that's true. Couldn't we at least let them stay until they find a new place to move in.
Fanny: Yes, oh, oh! And afterwards, we can design a scheme to STEAL their new home and make it ours.
John: Why would we do that?!
Fanny: I like stealing.
John: You are a heartless woman indeed.
Fanny: Do you really think so? Oh, how about when we arrive there, I shall sneak into your half-sisters' bedrooms and cut out their still-beating hearts! Then I shall have gone from having no hearts to having THREE!
John: Why would you need three?
Fanny: Exactly, I can sell the other two. Hahahaha!
Norfolk hall
Mrs Mary Dashwood: How horrid. We are at the mercy of John and Fanny and they absolutely despise us!
Miss Elinor Dashwood: Mother, we must keep our sense about us. I will start looking for new homes.
Miss Marianne Dashwood: Oh, always sense with you, sister! Where is your sensibility?! Yes, we have no money, and we must vacate this home as soon as possible, but for what reason should we start looking for new homes when obviously should be reading the collected works of William Shakespeare!
Miss Margaret Dashwood: I have no idea what I am doing here. Look at me! I'm completely superfluous to the plot!
Servant: Oh, this is a Jane Austen story. There's always at least one superfluous character in every scene. Besides, you provide much needed comic relief.
Margaret: Who are you?
Servant: Oh, I'm the REAL superfluous character. You probably don't know me, I'm left out of most theatrical and film adaptations. Well, goodbye... exit
Margaret: cries
Marianne: cries
Mary: cries
Elinor: rolls eyes Here, let's look at some advertisements on available houses.
Mary: Ooh, that looks nice.
Elinor: Mother, you know we cannot afford eleventy and fifty hundred Celsius degrees in rent!
Mary: Yes, I suppose, oooh! How bout THAT one?
Elinor: What, that costs even more then the last one you showed!
Mary: Right, of course, ooooh! That one!
Elinor: That's not even an advertisement, that's a postcard of Buckingham Palace.
Mary: How much does it cost?
Elinor: Does your daftness know no bounds?
Marianne: Do you mind, I'm trying to read! I shall never find out whether Juliet ends up with Romeo with all of this ruckus.
enter Fanny, and a gentleman
Elinor: Hubba hubba! throws advertisements in the fireplace
Fanny: Hello you freeloading whores, err, my darling in-laws. I introduce to you, Mr Edward Ferrars.
Marianne: Ew, what is it?!
Fanny: He is my brother, and shall be staying here for a while.
Elinor: Hot diggady! I mean, allow me to give you a tour of the estate.
Mr Edward Ferrars: Oh, um, yes, I, er, suppose that I, um, yes…I mean to say, err…um, I…ok.
next scene, some weeks later
Elinor: Oh Mr Edward Ferrars, I have truly enjoyed this time I have spent with you in Norland. You have been most good, and pleasant, and if I allow myself to say so, extremely polite.
Edward: Yes, erm, I agree that, that is to say, we, er, I and you, um, that is, I, um…er, well, quite right.
exit Edward, enter Fanny
Fanny: You and my brother Mr Edward Ferrars certainly have been spending a lot of time together.
Elinor: Yes, well, Mr Edward Ferrars is ever so friendly, and nice, and greatly well-mannered.
Fanny: I shall not allow you to utter such filth about MY brother. I assure you, Miss Elinor Dashwood, that my mother quite insists that he marry a woman of high rank, and great estate, and last time I checked, you have none of the above.
Elinor: Oh my, I never knew that. Thank you Mrs Fanny Dashwood, I shall keep my sense about me and not hope for marriage with Mr Edward Ferrars…however much it might break my heart…
next scene, Mary is sitting down when Marianne arrives
Marianne: We've received a letter, mother!
Mary: My, it's from my cousin, Sir John Middleton. He lives in Barton Park, which is in Devonshire, and is offering us a home, Barton Cottage, just up the road from St Traluckalton Church, and fifty miles from Vanniworth Falls. Oh, it will be quite an adjustment, but I guess we'll have to make due living with only five servants, in a three story house with only nine bedrooms…
Narrator: So the Dashwood women left Norland forever, and set up their new live of comparative poverty. One night, they were invited to supper at the home of their landlord and cousin, Sir John Middleton.
Sir John Middleton: Welcome! Welcome my darling cousins. May I introduce you to Lady Middleton? Alright, but here is the true love of my love, my eighty-year-old mother-in-law, Mrs Jennings
Mrs Jennings: HELLLOOOO! OH MY! HAHAHA! Look at all the beautiful, young women who have entered! Oh, darling Mrs Mary Dashwood, you are just as a fair as any of your daughters, despite all those horrible wrinkles! HOHOHO!
Sir John: HAHAHA! It's true!
Jennings: Oh, and Miss Elinor Dashwood, a pleasure, truly! Never have I laid eyes on a firmer buttocks!
Elinor: Well, I hardly think that's appropriate…
Jennings: HAHAHAAHA!
Sir John: Hehehehe!
Jennings: And Miss Margaret Dashwood, oh, I'm sure once you start growing breasts all the men will start trying to molest you! But don't worry, I shall protect you! HAHAHAHAH!
Sir John: HAA!!
Marianne: Oh dear Lord…
enter an older man
Sir John: Ah, and here is my dear friend, Colonel Brandon. Colonel Brandon, this is Mrs Mary Dashwood, Miss Elinor Dashwood, Miss Marianne Dashwood, and Miss Margaret Dashwood.
Colonel Brandon: staring intently at Marianne Hello, it is a pleasure to meet you. May I sit take a seat next to you, Miss Marianne Dashwood?
Marianne: disgusted It's a free country, unfortunately…
Brandon: It's lovely to make your acquaintance. starts groping Marianne's breasts
Marianne: AAAAHHHHH!!
Brandon: Oops, silly me, my hand must have slipped continues
Sir John: Ooooh, look at how Colonel Brandon stares at Miss Marianne Dashwood!
Jennings: I do believe he finds her sexually attractive, eh Colonel Brandon?! HAHAHA!
Sir John: BWAHAHA!
Jennings: Colonel Brandon and Miss Marianne Dashwood, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
Marianne: That is absolutely disgusting! Colonel Brandon is like, what, a hundred and fifty million years old?!
Brandon: Thirty-five, but that is pretty close. Sweetheart.
Marianne: That's it, I am out of here!
Marianne exits
Elinor: But Marianne, dear, it's raining!
Marianne: I do not care, my sensibility does not allow for me to suffer the presence of old people!
Marianne wanders through the countryside in the rain
Marianne: Oh, how I do hate it here. All I want in the world is to fall in love with the most handsome man in the world and be filthy rich. Is that so much to ask for?! AHHH!! falls down a hill Oh no, now I have twisted my ankle, and I also do not have love! If only a solution to both of these woes would suddenly appear.
a man on horseback suddenly appears
Man: Hello down there, are you alright?
Marianne: Holy crap, I am now!
Man: Oh, I'll just be off then…
Marianne: NO! Wait, I twisted my ankle.
Man: What a cruel world this is, where one so fair could twist her ankle! It makes me want to cry. Come, I shall carry you home!
Marianne: Thank you Jesus! I mean, what is your name good sir?
Man: Mr John Willoughby.
Narrator: So Mr John Willoughby brought Miss Marianne Dashwood safely back home, and won her admiration. And every day he would come to visit her, and they speak of flowers, and poetry and their emotions. And despite this, Miss Marianne Dashwood was thoroughly certain that Mr John Willoughby was heterosexual.
Elinor and Mary looking and Marianne and Willoughby through the window
Elinor: They certainly seem happy, but the manner in which they rushed into this, there is simply no sense in it!
Mary: Do you suppose they shall marry? I simply do not have the courage to ask herself…
Elinor: Oh, honestly, who cares?
some time later, in Barton Cottage
Marianne: Oh Mr John Willoughby, these last few weeks have been so wonderful.
Willoughby: Indeed they have. Well, I'm going to London. For a year. At the very least. See ya.
Marianne: WHAT?! Why do you go to London?!
Willoughby: I have my reasons. Don't try to control me, you silly bitch. leaves
Marianne: cries
some time later, at Barton Cottage, a knock at the door
Elinor: Whoever could that be? answers doors My, goodness! Mr Edward Ferrars! Do come in.
Edward: Um, ya, hi, Miss Elinor Dashwood. I shall be staying here for a while. Well, it's time for me to hit the hay.
Elinor: Oh dear, it appears Mr Edward Ferrars no longer has feelings for me. But I must act in my good sense, and not allow my sorrow to consume, like my sister.
in the next room
Marianne: crying, looks up MR JOHN WILLOUGHBY?!
Edward: Er, no, it is I, Mr Edward Ferrrars…
Marianne: Eeeew sobs even harder
Narrator: And throughout Mr Edward Ferrars visit, he remained unusually distant to Miss Elinor Dashwood, but Miss Elinor Dashwood refused to show any emotion whatsoever. Sometime later, after Edward left, the Dashwood women were invited to Barton Park, where Sir John Middleton was expecting two new arrivals.
Sir John: Allow me to introduce my wife's cousins, Miss Anne Steele and her sister, Miss Lucy Steele.
Mrs Jennings: Yes, poor dears, they are so lovely, and yet they cannot land a husband, cause they are dirt poor.
Sir John: Yes, if you Dashwood women thought you were poor, you never met the Steeles family!
Mrs Jennings: Oh yes, and as if that were not enough, Anne is completely hideous and boring!
Miss Anne Steele: Hey!
Sir John: Indeed, but at least Lucy is very beautiful, it nearly makes up for her being poor and stupid.
Miss Lucy Steele: Pardon me?
Mrs Jennings: Yes, I swear I myself shall help land her a husband. As long as I'm not getting any, at least the young people oughta be, eh?! Yes, I'll get her a man with a huuuge fortune!
Sir John: And a penis to match, am I right?! HAHAHAHAHA!
Mrs Jennings: BWAHAHAHAHA!
Marianne: I should have brought aspirin…
Sir John: So, is that kind gentleman Mr Edward Ferrars still staying with you?
Elinor: Oh no, he is back in London.
Lucy: gasp Mr Edward Ferrars?! runs away
Elinor: What the bloody hell is her problem?
later that night, in Barton Park
Lucy: Pardon me, Miss Elinor Dashwood, for my earlier behaviour, it is just that when I heard you speak of Mr Edward Ferrars, I was disturbed…
Elinor: Oh, do you know Mr Edward Ferrars? That certainly is one hell of a coincidence.
Lucy: Yes, and not only that, but I have been holding a terrible secret. I wish so much to reveal it to someone, and well, since you are friends with Edward, I suppose I can tell you –
Elinor: Secret? Oh, let me guess, are a lesbian?
Lucy: Oh, no I'm not. Sorry. I mean, you're an attractive lady and all –
Elinor: I'm not a lesbian either…
Lucy: Yeah, whatever.
Elinor: Well are you pregnant then?
Lucy: Not that either.
Elinor: Hmm? Drug addict? Kleptomaniac? Stuffed bra? Dear Lord, did you kill a man?!
Lucy: NO! My secret is, well, for these past five years –
Elinor: YES?
Lucy: For these past five years, I have been –
Elinor: Uh-huh?
Lucy: For these past five years, I have been secretly –
Elinor: Go on!
Lucy: For these past five years I have been secretly engaged –
Elinor: Just spill it out already!
Lucy: For these past five years I have been secretly engaged to Mr Edward Ferrars!
Elinor: OH SNAP!!