Title: Divided

Series: Loveless

Rating: PG

Description: In regards to Ritsuka, although her heart says yes, Misaki's mind screams no. She wants to love him but finds she can only hurt him. Misaki-centric. Submitted on April 14th, 2008 for the Anime North 2008 Fan Fiction contest.

Genre: Angst, Psychological

Words: 980

Disclaimer: I do not own Loveless

Sometimes she would just sit at the kitchen table with her raven locks shadowing her face, staring at the meal that was meant for her Ritsuka and wait… Wait for her beloved Ritsuka to come back to her, tell her how great the food was and how much he missed her when he was away.

She could see it now, her lovely raven-haired boy walking through the door, grinning at her with the smile that no one could imitate or take away. A small smile graced her lips as she thought back to one of the lights of her life. Her Ritsuka, the one she loved with all her heart and wished nothing bad on him. She wouldn't wish anything terrible on anyone.

No one—the smile vanished—but that monster that claimed he was her lost son.

She stared expressionlessly at the meal layout before her, her hands clenching tightly into fists until her knuckles whitened. Ritsuka was gone, that monster took him away! Took away her Ritsuka!

No.

No!

He was not a monster, he was Ritsuka. Her Ritsuka. Her Ritsuka that never left her and put up with her inexcusable behavior. Her Ritsuka took each hit, knowing his real caring mother was in there somewhere.

She let her hands go lax but continued looking at the table in front of her.

Ritsuka did exist but not in the way her mind wanted her to see it. In her mind, she saw an evil little boy whose purpose was nothing but to cause her pain. Each time she looked at him, her brain flared with agony, alarms going off that there was an intruder in her house, eating Ritsuka's food, wearing his clothes!

However her heart strained to see the truth through the shrouds of burning anger and resentment that conquered her mind. It was so difficult to sort through the mesh of deceit and truths, through the frightening images of the demon child that took away her son and the dim light which was her boy that still loved her.

When the rage took over, Misaki's mind simmered in the satisfaction that she was hurting the imposter that tried to trick her, defeating his poor attempts at charming her and showing the con artist just who was in control.

When the rage took over, her heart ached and pulled at its boundaries, trying to get through to tell Ritsuka how sorry she was, how she hated bruising his soft skin, how she hated when she made him bleed, how his eyes would reflect the pain then prepare for more as her hand flew at his face.

"Ritsuka…" She spoke softly, her own eyes threatening to tear up as her memories reminded her how horribly she was treating him. "I'm… I…"

She sobered immediately and stood up; her dark eyes still swimming in unshed tears despite the detached stare as she slowly pulled her arm up and shoved all the dishes and food onto the floor with a smash.

"Hate you! I hate you, you liar! You demon brat! You insufferable monster!"

The continued taking her rage out on the ruined meal and tabletop, grabbing a knife and stabbing it into the wooden surface.

"You hurt me and you know it! You want me to feel pain! You want to see me suffer! It's because of you! All because of you! I hate you!"

With another scream, Misaki threw the knife at the kitchen sink, watching it bounce off the wall above and clatter to the floor. She breathed heavily, her dark hair now slightly disheveled from the violent outburst and she stared at the food and broken glass on the floor.

"Ritsuka will be home, what a mess for him to come home to." She said aloud, mostly for herself as she fetched the dust pan and broom.

The kitchen was silent save for some shuffling and tinkering of broken glass being dumped into the trash bin. For the second time that evening, Misaki toiled away at recreating the meal she destroyed in such a short period of time, humming to herself.

Ritsuka would be home from wherever he was—school, yes. He was at school, not kidnapped or lying dead in a ditch. Her Ritsuka was at school with friends and would come home to a nice cooked meal. He would tell her he got an A on his Math Test, using that brain of his for good rather than evil.

Ritsuka would never hurt Misaki. Never.

The front door creaked open quietly as soft footsteps hesitantly stepped into the house, the cause of them listening carefully to deem the coast clear.

Misaki continued preparing dinner, paying no heed to the now stocking feet that dared to walk themselves to the kitchen doorway and stand there. Her grip on the knife slowly tightened the longer the boy stood there, the vegetable cutting becoming more aggressive.

Ritsuka… 'Forgive me…'

Imposter…'Prepare to pay!'

Son… 'I don't mean it…'

Liar… 'You deserve it!'

Trustworthy… 'Don't come in here!'

Deceitful... 'Taste your own medicine…'

Loving… 'Don't blame yourself!'

"Welcome home, Ritsuka." Misaki turned around stiffly, a tight smile on her face as she held up the knife in a near bruising grip. "I was just making dinner."

Fiend…'Your tough skin won't save you!'

Danger.

Intruder.

Not Ritsuka.

Not Ritsuka!

"Come here, Ritsuka." She said in a strained tone, her smile starting to crumble into the dangerous, stone-cold look. "Let me look at you."

She'd show him who the gullible one in this household was.

'No…

She'd show him who the real monster was. She would!

'No…! Run away, Ritsuka!'

Lurching towards her son, the knife was raised into the air and flashed in the light of the kitchen.

"You are not my Ritsuka!"

'I'm sorry, I'm the monster…but the pain is the only way I can say I love you…'