Who You'd Be Today
By Mickey

Status: Completed 4/10/2008

Word Count: 1,799

Author's Notes: The title comes from a song by Kenny Chesney with the same name, which is where I also got the idea for this story. This song just seemed to be perfect material for a fic about Jack thinking about Charlie. The idea for this story has been bouncing around in my head for quite some time, since the first time I heard it. I just saw the video for the song recently and I have finally managed to get it written down. This isn't exactly what I had in mind originally, but it's pretty close. The lyrics are at the end of the fic.

This is an AU. While the events played out exactly like they did in the series as far as Jack rejoining the Stargate project and SG-1 going on all the same missions, Sara and Jack remarried about four and a half years after Charlie died.

For those who may not know, JRROTC is the Junior Recruit Officer Training Core, which is the high school version of the college ROTC.

Thanks, as always, to my beta reader, Cyn.

Hi Charlie. I'm sorry it's been so long since my last visit. Things have been kinda crazy.

The sky is so blue today, isn't it? It's a beautiful day. Sunny days like this hurt so much more. You were a winter baby, born on the coldest day of the year that year, but summer was always you're favorite time of year. Summer meant playing ball, fishing, swimming, and of course, no school. Which gave you more time to do all those things you loved so much.

I can still see your smiling face, see you laughing and splashing around in puddles when it rained. You'd kept calling me until I finally gave in and came out to join you. One five-year-old kid, and one over-grown kid, jumping in puddles in the street. Your mom tried to stay mad at us when we'd come into the house, dripping wet, but she never could for long. She'd just smile and shake her head then shoo us into the kitchen while she got us towels to dry off with.

It's not fair. You died way too young. Like a story that had just begun, but death just tore the pages all away, and all that was left was the memories of what had been. I miss you so much. Your mom and my team, my second family, keep telling me that I should forgive myself and let it go, that it wasn't my fault. I just can't, because it was my fault. It was my gun. I can't help but think that if I'd just put the damn lock back on the case you'd still be here today.

It's been over five years and sometimes I still can't believe you're gone. There are days when I get up in the morning, especially since your mom moved in with me shortly before we remarried, and expect you to come tearing into our room, laughing as you jumped on the bed and then on me, bugging the crap out of me to get up and play catch with you. Once I was up, you'd start begging your mother to make you waffles, or pancakes and bacon, or oatmeal with chunky apple sauce, or what ever was your 'that's all I'll eat for breakfast' kick was that week.

Of course, you'd be a teenager now, so I guess that would have stopped some time ago.

I know, I know, I'm stalling.

Truth is, I've kinda been avoiding you for a while. Your mom, and my friends, say I shouldn't feel guilty about this, but I do. She says you'll understand. You know your mom and I got back together about three years ago and remarried a year and a half ago. Well, we got a little surprise almost ten months ago.

It shouldn't be so hard to tell you this. I'm sure your mom already told you. Even if she didn't, you probably know anyway. I pray that you're happy where you are, son, and that you're looking down on us and smiling.

I guess I should just say it. Just know that he isn't taking your place. That no one ever could. You will always be my first born, my little boy. But maybe, he can help fill the gap in my heart, just a little bit.

Your mom got pregnant. She just had the baby a few days ago. You're a big brother, little buddy. You have a baby brother. He's beautiful, Charlie. He looks a lot like you did when you where born. He has the same full head of soft, dark brown hair. He's a little fatter than you were. Actually, he's a little butterball. I keep teasing your mom that by Christmas, he'll be plump enough that I can baste him and serve him for Christmas dinner. He's going to have your smile. I can tell. That killer, charming, lights up the whole room, heart breaker smile.

God, Charlie, I miss you so much, son. I wish you were still here. You always wanted a little brother. Now you have one, but you aren't here to do all the things you always talked about, all the things you said you'd do with him when you had a baby brother. You'll never get to share secrets, talk about girls and cars, or teach him to love baseball like you do.

Did.

I really, really hope I don't screw it up with this kid. I love him so much it hurts, Charlie. Just like I love you.

Sometimes, a lot, actually, I wonder who you'd be today. You'd be fifteen, almost sixteen. Would you be captain of the high school baseball team? Would you be in the JRROTC, thinking about attending the Air Force Academy in a little over a year? Would you have a girl friend, or would you be like your old man was in school and just kinda play the field?

I wonder what you'd be like ten years from now. Would you be in the Air Force, seeing the world? Or maybe be in the majors, playing ball for the Cubbies? Maybe you'd be married. I wonder what you'd name your babies? How many little crumb crunchers would you have? You loved kids and you were great with them.

Sometimes, when the sky is this blue and the weather is just so perfect, like today, I feel like I can talk to you. Especially when I go fishing at the lake by my cabin. When I'm out there all alone, I tell you about my day, what I've been doing, the way I never could when you were still with us. Or when I visit you here and I tell you about the normal, day-to-day stuff. I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes I think I can feel you with me.

I'll be taking your little brother to the cabin when he gets older. I'll teach him how to fish. Just like I taught you, but not at the same spot where I first taught you how to fish, not at the spot we went to every time. That's our spot. Nothing will ever change that.

I'll teach him how to play ball and hockey. I'll teach him about the wonder that is the Simpson's. I'll teach him about the dangers of real guns, but I won't make the same mistake again. I'll let him play with toy guns. Well, maybe not toy guns, but water guns anyway. I can't help but think that if I'd just let you play with that stupid water gun, you'd still be alive today; that you wouldn't have been temped to play with my service weapon. I'm sorry, Charlie. So very, very sorry.

Oh, did I tell you? That kid's got quite a set of lungs. Man, when the doctor cleared his lungs and he let out with his first scream, I thought he was going to shatter the glass in the delivery room. Kind of like when you were born. I think you both get that from your mother. Whatever you do, don't tell her I said that.

I'm going to tell him all about you too. I'll tell him what an amazing big brother he had. How much you always wanted a baby brother.

I can't believe I almost forgot, I didn't tell you his name. It's Ryan Daniel, Ryan because your mom and I wanted him to have an Irish name (and your mom just really likes it), and Daniel after my friend and teammate. You remember me telling you about my team, right? Daniel saved my life, both figuratively and literally, after that first mission. I went there just knowing that I wasn't coming back. Not wanting to come back. He made me realize that my life can still have meaning.

Daniel sort of reminds me of you sometimes. I remember how you used to get so totally focused on things at times; it was like the rest of the world didn't exist anymore. Just like Daniel does at times. Although the objects of your obsessions are very different. It was just you and whatever you were working on. Like that time you when you were six. You dropped a ball during a game and your team lost. You were so determined not to let it happen again, you made me throw pop-ups with you for hours. When I couldn't, or wouldn't, do it anymore, you did it yourself. You'd just toss the ball up as high as you could and run around like a mad child catching it.

My team became my family. Daniel gave me back my life, but they all gave me a purpose, a reason to keep fighting. They help me get through the tough times. I can tell them things I can't tell your mom, either because it's classified, or it's just something I can't talk to her about. They understand some things so much better than she can.

If it wasn't for Carter, your mom and I probably wouldn't have gotten back together. She's the one who pushed me to give it another shot. I kept in touch with your mom after I got back from that first mission. I always tried to call her at least once a month. And I kept my promise. It took some time and I had to pull in a lot of favors, but with a little help from General Hammond, I got permission to tell your mom about what I do. Why there was a perfect copy of you at the hospital that day, and why someone was impersonating me. I was terrified. I didn't want to hurt your mom again and I was so afraid I'd do just that. Carter guilt tripped me into asking your mom out for a date.

Teal'c has been my rock. When I feel like giving up, like finding some place to just curl into a ball and give up, he reminds me what we're fighting for. He gave up everything to join us, the Tau'ri. He rarely says a word, just lets me know he's here. That's what I love about him. He never tries to push me to talk. Our backgrounds are worlds apart, but yet so very much the same. He understands me in ways the others will never be able to. Not even your mom.

They've all been here for me when times were rough, both at work and at home.

It's getting late. I have to go now Charlie. Your mom will be wondering what's keeping me. She's probably about ready to sick the 'kids' on me. But I promise I'll be back to visit again soon. And I pray that, someday, if there really is a God in Heaven, I'll see you again.

THE END

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone

Chorus:

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

Chorus

Today, Today, Today
Today, Today, Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday

Someday, Someday