Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters.

— Rock Hard —

( -Emmett POV -)

It was on a normal day that I almost died for the second time — or as normal a day as humanly (haha!) possible at the Cullen house.

Rosalie and I had just come downstairs after finishing our activities, and Jasper and Alice were locked in an un-ending game of poker — she was constantly glancing into the future to see his cards, and he was constantly testing her emotions to see if she was bluffing. Carlisle and Esme were just laying across the couch, together in silence, smiling as they listened to each of us.

Me? Well ... I was listening to Edward and Bella, and I was sure everyone else was, too ... I just didn't bother to hide it. I mean, come on! They're the most interesting couple in our family, by any standards.

Not to mention the most sexually repressed ...

I grinned as I caught another few words. Bella's voice was soft and quiet, and you had to pay extra attention to catch everything she said.

"Edward, can I take a shower? I'm all sticky and gooey."

My brother laughed softly, then agreed and quickly showed her where the bathroom was once again before returning to his room. I heard the water start, and I heard Bella start humming — she sung in the shower. It was fun to tease her about.

I heard Esme sigh.

"Emmett, are you listening to Bella and Edward again?"

I just grinned without answering and turned my attention back to my oh-so-repressed brother as I heard Bella call for him.

"Edward, I need shampoo."

"I thought ... " But then he trailed off, paused, and continued. "Oh, yeah, it's still in your bag. Let me get it for you."

My grin widened.

"Here — "

But his words were cut off by a bloodcurdling scream from Bella, our clumsy little human. Everyone in the living room jumped up in surprise, but Bella's next words made us all laugh and calm down.

"Edwaaaaard! Handing me the shampoo does not require opening the curtain!"

I started rolling on the floor, laughing, as I heard a loud 'thunk' and then Edward cursing silently — too quietly for Bella to hear.

"Sorry! But geez, you didn't have to break the shampoo bottle."

"Edward," Bella said patiently, and I could almost see her smiling. "I didn't break it. Your head did."

"You threw it at me."

There was a teasingly angry edge to their voices, but I knew neither one was actually upset. They never got mad at each other ... and when they did, they got over it in a matter of seconds.

"Well, it's not my fault you have a rock hard head."

I couldn't help the huge, dominating smile that spread across my lips as I took in a deep breath to yell — Alice cut me off, however.

"That will not go over well with either one of them," she warned me, but she, too, was smiling widely.

I shrugged and screamed, anyway.

"That's not the only thing on him that's rock hard!" I paused only long enough for a loud roar of laughter to escape me. "Rock hard on him, get it?"

There was a long silence throughout the house, and only my laughter, Jasper's snickers and Esme's disapproving sighs broke it. Then, finally, Bella spoke.

"Edward?

"Yes, love?"

"Will you do me a favor?"

"Anything for you."

I could see them both smiling, and it was then that I began fearing for my life.

"Could you kill Emmett for me?"

"Of course, my love."

"Run," Carlisle advised, a large smile spreading across his lips as I jumped to my feet. I nodded.

"Good idea."

Like I said, it was on a normal day that I almost died for the second time ...

Whatcha think? Hehe. It came to me last night, and I went over it completely in my head as I showered. I wrote it down this morning, and now I'm posting it.

IMPORTANT NOTE: This collection has been nominated for Best Comedy at "The Twilight Awards". Details ( And a link! ) are on my profile. PLEASE GO VOTE!

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