A Roy By Any Other Name

Summary: Riza sets out to find a suitable date for the Amestris Military Ball. She finds someone to get her mind off Col. Mustang, but Riza fails to notice he looks very familiar indeed. Everyone notices that this Mr. Reggie Marsden is the spitting image of Roy – everyone except Riza and Roy himself. This was based on a Friends episode, "The One With Russ". I don't own FMA or Friends.

He wasn't even trying, Riza noticed. He was staring into space, probably contemplating the war. His lips curved into a smile. So he was thinking about a woman then. Ladies, beautiful curvy ladies were the only ones that brought out that grin. Or perhaps he was recalling Fullmetal's numerous reactions to various 'shrimp jokes'.

Riza's eyes darted to all the men in the room. Fuery seemed more nervous than before. He was actually sweaty as he did his paperwork. What did Havoc do now? she thought. Speaking of Havoc, he was eyeing the colonel suspiciously, as if trying to read his mind. An unlit cigarette dangled at the side of his mouth as he surveyed his grinning superior officer. Riza dared not reprimand him. Whenever Havoc's face was like that, he meant serious business. What did Colonel Mustang do now?

Breda was fumbling through his little black book. Worry enveloped his usually nonchalant expression, and his brows were knitted together by a frown. He needed to call somebody, but he didn't seem to find the number he was looking for. Falman was stroking his chin and muttering to himself.

Her usually merry group (except the colonel) was immersed in a secret dilemma – one that she couldn't decipher just yet. Their problems seemed to intertwine and spread gloom about the room. Her own mood was starting to be affected.

Roy's cheery daydreaming began to get on her nerves. He chuckled for a moment and resumed writing. Still, Riza couldn't get rid of her annoyance. She couldn't believe he seemed oblivious to his own men's private suffering...or Havoc's display of chagrin. Riza didn't wish to be a meddler, but her silent comrades gave her no choice. She was about to break the stillness, but Havoc saved her breath.

"Colonel, whom do you plan to ask out?" Havoc asked with a hint of steel in his voice.

"Why do you ask, Havoc?" the colonel swivelled around in his chair, avoiding his second lieutenant's gaze.

"Oh nothing," the blond man replied with sarcasm. "I was just thinking that you might steal one of my girls again, that's all." The men looked up from their desks now. This was serious. Havoc usually kept quiet about Roy's girlfriend-snatching.

"Me? I never stole any of your girls. And I thought you were dating only one."

"For your information, I too have multiple dates," Havoc stressed on the word 'multiple'. "And you did steal one of them. My favourite, Grace!" That was it. His voice was raised now as he rose from the chair. Fuery gave a whimper.

"I never stole her from you. She came on to me," Roy stood up from his chair to. His and Havoc's eyes were locked now. The colonel's voice had none of the venom in Havoc's, but it was tainted with some hurt. He never saw the point in bringing up the past in a fight. It only brought back bad memories. "I thought you let this go."

Havoc looked at his boots for a moment. He was being paranoid. The colonel was his old friend. No way would Roy allow this mistake to happen again.

"I'm sorry," Havoc said. As an informal truce, he added with a smile "So whom do you intend to bring?"

Riza held it in no longer. "I'm sorry Havoc, but what's with the probing about the colonel's dates? Shouldn't you be minding your own business?"

"Lieutenant Hawkeye! You've forgotten about the ball?" Havoc raised an eyebrow. The men were staring at her as if she was mad. A tinge of scarlet appeared on her cheeks. She had forgotten about the ball. The stupid Annual Military Ball. She saw no point in these social gatherings when the powerful huddled together and congratulated themselves in being rulers of the world (Author's note: took that line from Titanic).

"Planning to bring Alphonse again?" Roy's eyes twinkled with amusement. The young Elric was too ashamed to ask anyone out, even Sheska (who eventually went out with Denny Brosh after Maria Ross refused him). Riza volunteered to be his 'date' to give him confidence for next year. The night would've been pleasant if not for Al's clumsy dancing. Being stepped on by a heavy suit of armour isn't really what you'd call a night to remember.

"I think he can handle himself now," Riza stated flatly.
"With those two left feet of his?" Roy guffawed. "I'd take you, lieutenant, but I'm caught up in my own dilemma."

"Oh please. I do have a life," Riza scoffed. "Many men would die to go out with me. Besides, isn't your 'dilemma' called Sally, Morella, and Tish?" How dare Roy offer to take her out on a pity date.

"I'm going out with a lovely lass named Penelope. She's petite and really the best I've ever been with," Havoc boasted a little too loudly.

"Don't worry. I won't steal your current girl," Roy reassured him. "I've got three others to worry about. God knows what they'd do to each other if I don't make up my mind at once."

Riza sighed and returned to her work. The mention of three women killing each other for Roy made her uneasy. She was big enough to admit that she had secret feelings for her superior, but made sure never to reveal them. Three women and Roy. Three women, for crying out loud. There was no way to compete with that.

Her blunt pencil needed sharpening. As a rule, she'd take her sharpener out of the drawer, but this time she felt like using a more brutal mean of sharpening. Riza reached for a small knife strapped on her left and started working on her pencil. With each scraping noise, she imagined those three beautiful curvy women and how much fun it would be to give them a run for their money.

She had a sleek black gown in mind. Riza would let her hair down, wear her best jewellery and stun them all. She'd show them. Oh yes she'd show them how much of a catch she is. I need a guy, she thought. A handsome, successful, and irresistibly charming man that every girl would want for themselves – someone who would make Roy look like a stable boy.

But who would fit this description perfectly? She had a about a week to search.