Author: Nadz
Email: vegitto02 at yahoo dot com
Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

Teknoman (USA Version) on The Jerry Springer Show: Confessions

WARNING: This fan fiction is not meant for the easily offended. At any point, if you are offended by the content presented here, please stop reading.

Round 5 – Final Word

(As the camera fades in, the audience is still going nuts. On stage, all of the guests are seated. From left to right are: Darkon, Galt, Mac, Saber, Katherine, Gunnar, Maggie, Balzac, Jamison, Ringo, Tina, Star, and Slade.

Jamison has temporarily substituted his missing member with a sausage, and Ringo has his hand back in his pocket. Balzac is trying to get a whiff of Jamison's rear, and Gunnar is being French-kissed by Maggie, who is trying to get a taste of "Little Jamison," still in Gunnar's mouth.)

Jerry:
And we are back, with some comments from the audience! You… why don't you say something?

George W. Bush:
I can't believe we've got a bunch of lying, conniving sick f-cks trying to defend our planet.

Audience:
Sick f-cks! Sick f-cks! Sick f-cks! Sick f-cks! Sick f-cks!

Rodney King:
Why can't we all just get along?

Audience:
Awwwwww…

(Several security personnel walk over and beat him to the ground.)

OJ Simpson:
I have a comment for Mr. Venemoid Whorelord over there.

(Audience chuckles.)

Darkon:
Yes?

OJ Simpson:
I know the perfect solution for getting back at women who cheat on you.

(Audience boos loudly, hurtling paper and beer bottles at him. He runs out to his white Ford Bronco to escape.)

Jerry:
Next!

Yoda:
Anger, Fear, and Queers – they lead to the dark side…

Catholic Priest:
You mean it's wrong to touch little boys? I didn't know that!

Congressman Mark Foley:
Of course you can't touch 'em! But you sure can IM them!

(Bush pretends he didn't hear that. Audience boos, and the police arrest Foley.)

Jerry:
We have a special audience member who would like to make a comment. Yes, young lady…

Shara:
Slade, I'll always be with you… always…

Slade:
Huh? Wait, I thought you blew yourself up.

Shara:
I just pretended that so that I can start my new life in peace with the man I love.

(She is holding hands with Lance, who winks at Slade.)

Slade:
NOO!!!

Bin Laden:
Venemoids, I'm with you!

Jerry:
Oh my God, he's here! Mr. President, we can finally nab him!

George Bush:
I truly am not that concerned about him.

Jerry:
What?!

Bin Laden:
Down with the human race! I'm going to kill you all… KILL YOU—

(Before Osama can finish, Lance transforms and drives his lance straight through the man's abdomen, spraying blood and guts everywhere. Audience cheers as bin Laden cries for help, only to feel Lance smash his nuts into pancakes. Tears oozing out of his eyes, Osama begs for mercy, but Lance drills his lance into the man's skull, and blood and brain parts splatter around.)

Audience:
YEAH!!

Dan Quayle:
I've done good things in the past, and I've done good things in the future.

Lorena Bobbit:
Say, Jamison, I've brought a spare with me if you want it.

M. Lewinsky:
Can I have it instead? I miss those things.

Jar Jar Binks:
Mesa a stupid assa… woo-ooo-oo… mesa don't like yousa venemoids… and mesa gonna…

(A young black kid trips and knocks into Lance, whose lance sails through the air and rips Jar Jar's head off. Audience gives the black kid a standing ovation and showers him with dollar bills.)

Steve Urkel:
Did I do that?

Jar Jar Binks:
NO! Mesa head… mesa head…

Butt-head:
Hey Beavis… uh huh huh… huh huh huh… he said "head"… uh huh huh huh

Beavis:
Yeah… heh heh… heh heh heh… heh heh… heh heh heh…

Joker (grinning at Jar Jar):
I'm glad you're dead… hahahahaha….

Samuel Jackson:
Alien mutha f-ckas!

Mel Gibson:
FREEEEEEEDOOOOMMMMM!!!!!

Jerry:
We've run out of time, so now for the parting message. Relationships aren't easy to form. They take time to develop, and those participating in relationships need to make the effort to build trust in each other. Maintaining a relationship isn't all roses either – both participants need to work towards solidifying a bond that will grow and flourish.

In the case of our guests today, the strife of war did not give them the time to do such things. They needed to go through their relationships quickly and without thinking. As you saw, most turned out to be disasters.

So, before you enter a relationship, take the time to get to know the other person. Stay committed to them, and try your hardest to make it work. If you can do that, I'll soon be out of business. Until next time… good luck.

(Audience cheers, and credits roll.)

… Finish …

Author notes: Thanks for reading this! It was a riot to write, and hopefully it was just as much fun to read!

Note: That quote from Bush (regarding not being concerned) is a true quote, though taken somewhat out of context here.