Wednesday Addams and the Chamber of Secrets – what would have happened had the Addams' been around?

What do you think happened to all the letters that arrived at Privet Drive on the Sunday the Dursleys and their nephew suddenly left for the island? When Mr and Mrs Dursley returned they found their house clear of them, but they either did not notice or pretended not to.

The answer to where they went is an interesting story. They were sold on eBay by spying-on-d-dursleys to black-plaits-and-a-matching-cleaver in America.

And so it came to pass that Wednesday Addams got her hands on the equipment, booklist and address of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but unfortunately the letters arrived a few days into the term and Wednesday was a year too young to go anyway. But is was only a matter of a do-it-yourself forgery kit from Wednesdays birthday the previous year and a few of her own creations (including a machine that copies ink, handwriting and the style of pen used - it also had some heavy coggs at the back that you could trap things in before they get squashed to death) and the letter was addressed to Wednesday Addams and dated the next year.

And that is how it came to be that the Addams family were standing in the line to put their hand luggage through the scanners at New York airport. They had stayed in New York for a few days sightseeing and been mentioned in most of the New York newspapers (e.g. BOY TIED TO SPIKE ON STATUE OF LIBERTY'S CROWN BY SISTER and MAN IN PINSTRIPE SUIT USES SPIKE ON EMPIRE STATE BUILDING FOR TARGET PRECTICE AND HITS IT TWICE) and Morticia caused quite scene in a large New York department store by complaining to the assistant.

"Excuse me miss, where are the corsets?"

"Huh?"

"Oh my, have you drunk water from the drains of that Ritz hotel we're staying in? I told Grandmama no good would come of throwing out of date tongue tying potion down the sink."

"Sorry, corsets, um, we don't stock corsets."

"I'm sorry, is this not the biggest clothes shop in New York?"

"Yeah,"

"And is New York not the shopping capital of the world?"

"Well, maybe Paris . . . Oh, save job, yeah it is."

"So shouldn't you have corsets?"

"Yeah I suppose so."

At that point a few more women entered the discussion and sadly the scene ended in a womens' march for corsets to be stocked. The day before the Addams' left for London, by the magic of Chinese factories, Ralph Lauren put corsets in their shop windows and Wednesday had the magical mother daughter day all girls remember, of buying her first corset.

But back to the present, where the view of the x-ray machine over the Addams' hand luggage had caused the attendant of the X-ray maching to pass out with shock, and the man attending the metal detector to believe the machine broken, when Lurch passed through and the machine didn't sense a person going through at all. Of course this resulted in the attendant taking out one of the hand held bars to use as a metal detector.

"Ma'am, would you please hold your arms up and to the side." He asked Morticia. He waved the metal detector over her front and back. It beeped passing over her breasts, and she put her thumb and forefinger into her low cut corset top to find what had caused the beep.

"Gomez, your wedding ring."

"Oh look at that."

"Sorry ma'am, procedure asks I feel you over to make sure you have no concealed weapons."

At this Gomez felt he had to point out the flaw in this particular plan "Come on old man, the dress is so slinky you can see anything you're going to feel."

"Please Gomez, it's not like we haven't done it before."

"Cara mia . . ."

". . .mon amour"

"Sir, ma'am, I'm afraid I can't feel this woman over when she's lying on the floor under the gentleman."

"Oh, sorry."

"Quite all right sir."

After about half an hour, curious things found in Wednesday's socks and a scolding from Grandmama, ("Now dear, I told you we have to be accepting of other cultures and the plane people don't like knives, no idea why.") the Addams' were ready to get on the plane.

Half way through the flight and Pubert seemed to be feeling a little . . . off. He had been crying for about a quarter of an hour when he turned a "delightful shade of green" as described by Morticia or "an awful colour" as described by the air hostess before she gave him a sick bag. He threw up and handed the bag back to the young woman. It wriggled. She smiled and promised to put it in a vacuumed section of the plane where it wouldn't get out.

Next time: Morticia calls Big Ben "quaint", Gomez tries to punt down the river Thames and Thing buys a cheesy union jack hat. This may not all happen as I will probably forget.There also may be SOME development in the story.