Author's Note: Yep, this is just a little side-project that I decided to start alongside my other fics. They are mostly crack-based...Apparently, I was really sugar-high when I wrote this. So, yeah. Enjoy.

Once upon a time, far far away, in a land called Soul Society, there lived a little boy named Hitsugaya Toshiro. He lived in a place called the Seireitei, happily alongside the other soul reapers such as himself. Hitsugaya was a good, kind boy who everyone loved. He so did not like to insult people when given the chance, and he so was not a stubborn and cocky little brat.

One day, little Hitsugaya received a letter from the Rukongai. It was from his dearest grandmother. She had fallen ill, and so, being the wonderful little boy he was, Hitsugaya immediately decided he would visit his dear grandmother and bring her a basket full of ama-natto to enjoy.

So he loaded a basket up with ama-natto, and so he would not be seen as a taichou leaving the Seireitei, he disguised himself as a little peasant boy in a white, hooded-cloak, and thus became Little White Riding Hood.

Little White Riding Hood skipped off merrily, leaving the Seireitei quickly to go visit his ailing grandmother, basket in tow. He was very eager to see his granny, and he hoped that she would be doing well.

As he walked along on his merry way, he became distracted by what seemed like a patch full of ripe, juicy, watermelons. Feeling some strange sort of craving, he wandered off the side of the road to fetch some, though everyone knows that you're not supposed to leave the road, because every stupid little girl that does always ends up getting eaten by beasts.

So he merrily plucked some watermelons from their vines. They were probably someone else's harvest, but Little White Riding Hood didn't particularly give a shit. They were his watermelons now, and whoever they had belonged to first could kiss his delicate, porcelain-skinned ass.

As he finished up raiding the watermelon patch, Little White Riding Hood suddenly became aware of the feeling that he was being watched. Now, there were a lot of perverts, pedophiles, and other shady characters about, so Little White was ready to kick anyone who dared approach him in the balls.

Out from the shadows stepped the Big Bad Foxface. He was smiling in a very gracious manner.

"Hiya there, little boy," said the Big Bad Foxface, "And what's a young little 'thang such as you doin' out here, all alone?"

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Little White, who was very good and very kind and very polite, too.

"Actually, I dun' know who I'm supposed 'ta be," the Foxface explained. "I thought I was the ex-captain o' the third division, but in this fanfic, apparently, I ain't."

There was a long silence.

The Big Bad Foxface spoke again. "What's yer name, little boy?"

"I don't talk to strangers."

"I ain't a stranger."

At this, Little White supposed he did have a point. After all, he did seem to know him from somewhere, but he couldn't exactly put his finger on where…Apparently, Little White's prodigal brain wasn't functioning very well today.

"If you must know," he answered, "My name is Little White Riding Hood – I mean, uh, Hitsugaya Toshiro. I am going to see my grandmother, who is very sick right now. I sure hope she doesn't have genital herpes."

"Is that so?" the Foxface inquired. "Where does 'yo granny live?"

"Over yonder," explained Little White Riding Hood, "In the Rukongai."

"I see," said the Big Bad Foxface. "I'm gonna be off now." And then he ran away extremely fast with the use of shunpo. He was very suspicious. Very suspicious indeed.

"I wonder what his problem is," good Little White grumbled as he picked up his basket and continued on his way. His granny was probably still ill and being the good little boy he was, he didn't want to keep her waiting.

So he walked, and walked, and walked, until he realized something.

"Screw this," Little White said in a very nice voice, "I'll just use shunpo."

And so he did, shunpo'ing off on his merry way until he finally reached his grandmother's quaint little cottage in the Rukongai. He stepped up to the door, readjusting his hood over his head, rapping on the door with his knuckles.

There was a pause.

He knocked again.

From somewhere inside the house, someone called out, "Come in!"

So he opened the door, carrying the basket full of ama-natto and newly "borrowed" watermelons. That old woman better be grateful. Those watermelons were seriously heavy and holding the basket had made him quite sore.

"Grandma, it's me," Little White Riding Hood said, "Little Whi- Dammit! I meant Toshiro."

"Come closer, child," his grandmother said, who was lying down in a big fluffy bed with kinky cheetah print blankets and pillows. A pair of fluffy pink handcuffs was latched suspiciously to the bedpost.

Little White Riding Hood narrowed his eyes. Something wasn't quite right with his dearest grandmother. Maybe she really did have genital herpes. Maybe it had spread through her whole body and had screwed up her face.

"Oh, grandmother, what big eyes you have," Little White said. That was kind of a stupid thing to say though. His grandmother's eyes were squeezed tightly shut.

"The better to see your naked, virginal, sexy body with," his grandmother explained.

"Oh, what big ears you have."

"The better to hear your screams for mercy with."

Little White Riding Hood blinked as his grandmother smiled toothily at him.

"Oh, what…freaking ugly teeth you have. Don't you ever go to see the dentist?"

"The better to bite you and leave hickeys on your neck."

By this point, Little White was getting a little afraid and a little suspicious.

"Oh, what big hands you have."

"The better to GRAB YOUR ASS WITH!"

At these words, Little White's "grandmother" sprang from the bed, lunging at poor, defenseless Little White. Terrified, he reached for his sword whilst scrambling away. It was the Big Bad Foxface he had seen earlier in the day.

"What the hell did you do to my grandmother!?" he shrieked as he dodged away from the hands of the Big Bad Foxface.

Meanwhile, outside, a woodcutter was passing by the cottage when he heard screaming. Now, this woodcutter was named Kurosaki Ichigo, and he was a good and kind and handsome fellow who was a woodcutter, obviously…and he cut wood. And hollows' heads.

So when he heard the screams, he knew that there must be a damsel in distress inside in need of rescuing and possibly in need of his woodcutting skills.

So he hacked down the door like any good woodcutter would with a heroic shout of triumph. As the wood splintered away, he was surprised to see a beautiful young boy dressed in white being pursued by the Big Bad Foxface.

"Fear not, my dear!" Ichigo the woodcutter declared. "I will slay the beast!"

"Who the hell are you!?" the very kind and very good Little White Riding Hood demanded as he ducked under the Foxface's outstretched arms for yet another time. "Get out of my grandmother's house, you freak!"

Ichigo the woodcutter's feelings were kind of hurt.

"But you see, my dear," he explained, "I'm supposed to kill the Big Bad Wolf – I mean, Foxface, and rescue you so we can live happily every after. That's how the story goes."

"But, good sir," Little White said as he continued to scramble away from the Foxface, "This isn't the actual story. It's a fanfiction."

"Just pretend it's the real story, you little brat!" the good and kind woodcutter shrieked in frustration. And so he jumped over with his big woodcutting zanpaku-to, I mean, axe...And he charged towards the Big Bad Foxface, and in a single swing decapitated him.

The Big Bad Foxface fell over and died.

His head rolled away.

"Good job, dumbass," the very kind and very sweet Little White Riding Hood said. "Now he can't tell us where my grandmother is."

"Screw your grandmother," Ichigo the kind and noble woodcutter replied. "Let's go make hot, steamy love on your granny's bed."

"Okay," the very pure and innocent Little White agreed.

And so they closed the cottage door and locked it.

No one heard from the Woodcutter or Little White Riding Hood for a very long time.

They lived happily after.

The End.