Chapter 1: If Only

He was never a deep sleeper, his shinobi life had taught him that. Sleep too deeply and you run a very high risk of being killed in your sleep; and he had no intention of dying any time soon. So when the door of his bedroom softly slid open, awareness surged through his body even though he kept his eyes closed. His ears listened intently to the soft and stumbling steps once the door closed quietly behind the intruder. The unsure footsteps confused him, it did not sound like someone with any kind of mal intent towards him yet he knew of no family members of his who would enter his room past midnight while he was sleeping. Holding back his curiosity, he continued to pretend to be asleep, wondering what this intruder's intensions were. The footsteps continued until they reached the side of his bed and there they paused. He could hear them breathing being so close to him, but it confused him even more, it was a woman or at least a female. Irritation mixed with curiosity within him, what the hell was a woman doing entering his room? But just as he was about to open his eyes, a warm and soft pair of lips gently touched his. Shock ran through his body, as did a hot lightening bolt of pleasure. Snapping his eyes open his arms automatically shot out to push the woman back, however his eyes widened with surprise at the person he saw.

"Hinata-sama?" he said incredulously. She smiled lazily at him, as her eyes were alight with a fire in them. He sat up quickly, his hands still gripping her shoulders keeping her an arms distance away from him. He couldn't believe what just happened!

"Hhmm, Neji." She whispered his name that brought a shiver down his spine that he was unable to resist. He gulped loudly as he stared at her, his heart pounding quickly in his chest. What the hell was going on? Inhaling the air around him, he could smell a strong alcoholic odor coming from her. He frowned as the pieces were coming together in his mind.

"Have you been drinking Hinata-sama?" he asked her, unable to hide the surprise and shock from his voice. She had never had any alcohol in her life, from what he understood, she didn't like what it did to people and refused to drink. But then why did she suddenly pick up…Tequila? Did she do shots of Tequila? An inexperienced drinker and Tequila never mixed well, and who was she doing them with? Or was she by herself?

"Hehe…uh-huh." She replied in a voice deeper than usual. Nervousness made his muscles tense: the kiss, that hot look in her eyes, her husky voice…she wasn't feeling what he thought she was feeling…was she? He watched her move to sit beside him on his bed and reached up, caressing his arms with her delicate hands. He took a sharp breath as he suddenly let go of her as if burned, but she only took the opportunity to wrap her arms around his neck, press her upper body to his and claim his lips once again. His eyes widened again as desire roared in his ears and longing pulsed within him, but he pushed her away from him.

"H-Hinata-sama, y-you must stop this." He said unconvincingly as he stammered from embarrassment and from putting a rein on his feelings. She looked at him and pouted her pink lips, drawing his eyes to them. His breathing increased as images, unbidden, of what he would love to do with those lips rose in his mind. Fisting his hands tightly in his bed sheets, he slammed the clamp down on his desires, trying to regain control of his mind and body.

"Neji…" her sultry voice purred to him, gaining his attention. "Make love to me." She said to him softly, crawling onto his bed to follow where he had moved away from her. His body automatically responded with a growing hardness between his legs as he tried to stop his fantasies from coming to his mind. Squirming uncomfortably, not wanting her to notice the state he was in, he moved away from her some more until he felt the wall at his back. He stiffened and that's when she made her move. Pressing her palms on his chest, she straddled his legs and sat on his thighs as she bent her head and dragged her lips along his neck. He closed his eyes and bit his bottom lip from moaning aloud, his heart thundering in his chest and pleasure surging within him. But he kept his hands fisted in his sheets, he would not touch her, he could not touch her. He shouldn't even be allowing her to do this to him, oh but he's dreamed of her for so many nights and has longed after her for so many years. His heart ached to be hers, to make her his, yet he's never dared to hope. She couldn't possibly want a monster like him, let alone love a bastard like him.

"Neji…Neji…Neji…" her soft voice chanted his name between her kisses on his neck as her hands roamed his chest, his shoulders, his abdomen, his back. He bit down again on his lip to stop the moan from coming out of his mouth. He couldn't stand this torture much longer. Though he wished with all his heart that he could give all of himself to her, to take all that she was offering to him, to claim her as his, he couldn't. It didn't matter if he had secretly given his heart to her, it didn't matter if she loved him. They would never be allowed to be together. She was the princess, the heiress to their family though a reluctantly accepted one. And he was nothing more than a lowly servant charged to protect her with his life. He was unworthy of such a treasure, and they would never allow it. It would only hurt her more in the end if he gave her reason to hope for something neither of them could have. And so with great strength of will drawn from his love for her, he pushed her away once again and quickly got off the bed.

"Hinata-sama, stop…this is wrong." He said with, he hoped, a stern voice. Her ivory and desire-filled eyes widened with surprise as if she had suddenly come to her senses, but then her face drew down into a forlorn expression.

"It…it's…wrong?" she repeated in a small and vulnerable voice. His heart squeezed painfully in his chest as his breath was stolen from his lungs when she looked up at him with an emotion in her eyes that he's always wanted to see. And yet he had to do this, he had to hurt her now to keep her from even more pain in the future. How he hated his role in life.

"Yes, it's wrong. You are the Heiress and I…"

"But I don't care about that!" she cried softly as she scrambled off the bed to rush towards him, but stopped in her tracks when he moved away from her again.

"Don't touch me!" he growled in a harsh voice. She gasped at hurt and pain filled her eyes, her body trembling. He ripped the love he had for her out of his mind as he once again called upon the hatred he used to feel for her. Though he no longer felt that way, he remembered how it felt and used that to numb his soul.

"Regardless if you care or not we are cousins." He said in a hard, but calmer voice. He watched as she started to shake her head from side to side, not wanting to hear the harsh reality, the cold truth that she, too, knew. "First cousins, our fathers were twins. It is wrong and…" he gulped, "dirty."

"No…please." She pleaded as tears started to fall from her pale eyes. "I…I…I'm not bad. Please…I'm not." She cried as she brought her hands up and clutched the sides of her shaking head. Neji fought against the sting behind his eyes, against his heart and soul that screamed at him to take back his words and to hold her in his arms.

"Hinata-sama." He whispered softly, savoring the sweet taste of her name on his tongue. She gazed back up at him with a frantic and desperate look in her wet and vulnerable eyes.

"Neji…please…please tell me that you're…just saying this…to protect me." She pleaded with him as her hands quickly fisted in his sleeping yukata, pulling her body against his. She buried her face in his chest, her body trembling from her tears and she pleaded with him over and over again.

"Do not worry Hinata-sama…" Neji replied softly, looking away from her, half hoping she wouldn't notice his arms shaking at his side. "I will not tell Hiashi-sama…the…kinds of things…you desire." He clenched his teeth tightly when he heard her shocked gasp. Her hands suddenly let go of his yukata and she slowly backed away from him, her eyes looking at him as if he just betrayed her. Tears flowed freely from her eyes as her legs collapsed from under her and ended up sitting on his floor. Her head lowered and she curled herself into a tight ball, clutching her head tightly. He looked at her with pain and confusion.

"So…it's…me. Just…me." She whispered, "I'm…disgusting." Neji's eyes widen with shock at her statement. What had he done? It was never his intention to make her think that she was a disgusting person for wanting a close relative, for wanting him. Marriage between first cousins had happened before in their family, but as modernity continued to flourish within their country, that occurrence was starting to become more and more taboo. But he had never meant to insinuate that she was somehow tainted for wanting to break that taboo. He opened his mouth to tell her otherwise, ready to take back all those painful and hateful words he said, no longer caring about the future, but she looked up and smiled at him. His words and voice stuck at the back of his throat as he stared at her.

"I…I…I'm g-glad t-that…you're n-not…as r-repulsive as…me." She whispered to him with that sad, sad smile of hers. No! No don't say that! You're not repulsive or disgusting! You're beautiful and pure! And…and I love you! I love you so much! His heart and soul tore at his mind, fighting to get the words out. Chaos ravaged his brain and indecision made his body shake yet he didn't hear those words of his with his ears, all he heard was silence along with her weeping. Suddenly she shot to her feet and ran towards his door. His eyes followed her but his feet remained glued to his spot, why couldn't he get his legs to move?! However she paused and looked back before leaving.

"Neji…I…I…love…" she stopped as more tears ran down her eyes. Then shaking her head, she bit her lip and left him. The sting behind his eyes was unbearable as he fell to his knees, seeing her face in his mind and hearing the echo of her voice. I…I…love…He closed his eyes as tears slowly trailed down his cheeks, his face full of anguish. He never hated his position in his family more than he did now. They loved each other; they really did love each other. Yet there was always that line that they could never cross. It would be death for him and who knows what kind of punishment would be waiting for her. And so they would have to continue being two tortured souls. She would have to go on believing that she was a vile and sordid creature for wanting him, for loving him. And he would have to go on with life knowing that though they shared a mutual love, he would never be able to tell her, keeping it locked deep inside of his heart. Remembering forever, that it was him that pulled away from her, that it was him that would have to look regretfully back and wonder what would have happened if he gave into the love that could have blossomed between them.

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AN: Neh, I just had this idea in my head that I just couldn't ignore. I'm not usually one for the sad stories, but I do like writing them every once in a while. Hope you guys like…oh and to let you in on a hint for the next and final chapter…if you've read my other NejiHina stories…then you'll probably know how it's going to end. Lol, I can't help but be predictable.