By Lalachan
Overwhelmed by the silence which seems to overshadow my palace, I get
up slowly from bed, aware that once more I'd be defeated by insomnia. With
calm and steady steps that could never betray my almost complete physical
blindness, I walk towards the panoramic window, from where a wide balcony
can be seen.
The night is cold... I can feel its touch on my bare skin, but it's
not enough to make me shiver... not even the freezing wind which follows.
What a bizarre sea of sensations my body has become... Everything comes
to me now stronger than I've ever imagined to be possible, as if it's amplified
many, many times. My dead eyes are useless... but I don't need them anymore.
I've developed the remaining senses so much that if there were a chance
for me to see again, I'd probably not care.
I approach the veranda's parapet. Surrounded by the coldness of the
night, I can sense my extensive domain.
Gandara.
Suddenly, my youkai heart is filled with joy, as pride and contentment
overcome me. It took many years of effort, blood and sacrifice for my country
to be built... and many lives as well... But I did it. I cannot see with
my own eyes its majestic towers of metal and glass, I cannot admire the
imposing constructions or the technological progress that makes this city
so different from the wild Makai out there... but I can feel it, I can
visualize it with the eyes of my mind. I know it's beautiful...
I have my Kingdom. I'm the Lord of this land. Everything here must work
with remarkable perfection, exactly as I've always idealized. I know people
are satisfied this way. While the rest of Makai remains confined to its
traditional chaos, Gandara is ruled by law. My law...
So... Now that I've finally conquered everything I aimed for... What
could possibly be this strange feeling inside of me? This uneasy sensation
which takes my breath and my sleep away, making me search for the gelid
air of the night to be witness of my distress?
Here I own everything any living being could ever dream of possessing...
maybe even more than that. But I will never have the only thing that's
really important for me, the only thing that always was.
You.
I shut my closed eyes even tighter, but I know that no tears will come
from them. If I at least knew how to cry... maybe all the bitterness, all
this pain could be washed away with them. But I can't... My eyes are dry,
and so is my heart.
Sorrow...
My old friend who's back to embrace my soul with its dark wings. It's
been a long time since I've felt it so close... For so long I believed
myself to be safe from its clammy claws, its unpleasant touch which seems
to chill my heart... So many years submerged in hate and vengeance... I
guess I had forgotten how is to live in sorrow.
Then you brought it back to me... You made me remember, on that day
after Makai Tournament's end. I spent centuries dominated by hostility
and hurt, buried under the hate that consumed me day and night... It was
those strong feelings which supported me, which gave me the strength and
courage to carry on, to persist in the hopeless dream to become incredibly
powerful with the only purpose to face you once more. And while I focused
in hate, I could forget what was hidden beneath it... and I could go on
with my lonely existence.
It took me the pain of being face to face with you again, to feel you
so close once more, in order to understand what was really inside of me,
to comprehend everything I always managed to conceal, even from myself.
So much time has passed... but everything is still so vivid in my mind,
as if it had happened yesterday. I still remember the touch of your lips
on my lips, the fine texture of your silver hair on my fingers, the golden
eyes, always so appealing and lustful... the passion, the ardent desire
that guided and consumed us during the moments we spent together.
I still recall the bad moments too... the fights, quarrels, my arrogance
and haughtiness... and your final betrayal. After all we shared, all we
went through, I had become an annoying and insignificant obstacle... no
more than an insect fated to summary annihilation.
And that was the moment of the greater pain... the pain that blinded
me and little by little gave me the coldness I needed to face the bitter
truth... You never loved me. Not the way I loved you. Never, never...
I never told you how I felt... Nor would I do it now. It'd be pointless
anyway... You never heard these words and you never will. They are like
seeds cast into the wind, destined to perish before blooming.
And I search for the hate inside of me one more time... I crave for
refuge beneath that mournful feeling, yet so much more comfortable... But
I can't find it anymore. Not after meeting you again, even though your
shape seemed to be so different. It didn't matter to me because I could
feel you, the real you and recognize the same old powerful youki of yours,
concealed, masked inside that frail human body. Still, it was you. Even
after so many centuries... it was you before me and at that moment, everything
else became completely unimportant.
So close... and for the first time I sensed your youki filled with love...
Love for someone else, not me. Love which is so strong and heartfelt that
it could touch you, change you... as I never could.
How many enemies would I kill? How many wars would I gladly fight? What
wouldn't I do in order to deserve your affection, your love... To become
aware of your devotion for another hurts me more than a thousand swords,
than a thousand cuts in my eyes... I believed I was hardhearted because
of sorrow, because of the ancient pain... but I was wrong once more. I've
been wrong all my life.
Instead of my so contemplated and expected revenge, all I could do was
to let you leave at the end... Free, as you always were. Free to find the
one who holds your heart. To find someone who's not me, that never will
be.
Life is so ironic... For so long I dreamed about the day when I'd be
stronger than you... it looked like the Gods of Destiny had listened to
me. And I had to wait all my life for payback time only to find out that
I'd never be able to hurt you. It took me such a long way to discover what
was inside of me all along.
Then all the hate, all the bitterness dissipated, leaving room for the
only true feeling I had in my life. The love I feel for you.
I may never forget you but I know I must accept my fate. I let you go
because I never owned you. No power, no strategy... nothing I can do or
tell you will change that. And all that's left for me is this emptiness
which I'll have to carry with me...
I cannot cry. But my soul can... My heart cries in silence, bleeds for
a wound that will never be healed. Not while I live... Not while the image
of your features lives in my memories.
Wherever you are... take my soul in your hands...
I'll love you forever, Kurama.
*~*~*~*
This fic is dedicated to my friend Yomi no Miko. Ana... You're
such a good miko, dear!! Keep on taking care of our beloved Lord of Makai,
ne? ^__^
Yu Yu Hakusho and its characters are property of Yoshihiro Togashi,
Fuji TV, Shueisha, Jump Comics, and Studio Pierrot.
Comments? [email protected]
