MIRROR
By: Aijou

It didn't hurt as much the first time as it did the third time.

It had started with little things. Laughter, a delicately covered giggle ending in her name. A whimper of her name in her sleep. A sigh of her name when she was bored, then a smile, like one of those BS "you're-my-everything-please-stay-with-me-forever" smiles. Always a look of happy, then "whoah-shock!" ten seconds later. Total delay in the appearances, no matter how sad Nagisa tried to make herself look in the time between. The name-calling wouldn't stop.

Shizuma would apologize profusely. It was one of the only moments when she would ever admit she was wrong, but sorry wasn't enough. Sorry didn't make everything all better, because she never seemed like she truly meant it. It seemed like she was more sorry that Nagisa wasn't Kaori.

She's dead, why can't you get over that?

"Hey, Nagisa," The two girls were hanging out in Nagisa's dorm room. It was class time, so Tamao and the others weren't around to disturb them. "What's wrong? You look sad again."

"It's nothing." Nothing I could ever tell you, anyway.

"Seriously, what's wrong?" Shizuma gave her friend one of her trademark half-smiles. "You can tell me anything, can't you?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Oh, no, Great Shizuma was starting to sound pissed. "I told you I'm being serious. What's going on?"

Nagisa clicked her teeth. Her brain knew what she was planning on saying was going to get her into trouble. Her mouth, on the other hand, broke off of its leash. "I think you know exactly what it means, Shizuma-chan." She said the chan part harshly. Shizuma hated that honorific. She told Nagisa that it made her feel weird, that it reminded her of something. Or someone. "Think about it. It's not that hard."

"No, I really don't know what it means. Care to explain yourself?"

The redhead moved a little further away from Shizuma. They were sitting uncomfortably on her bed, facing one another. The other girl, taking notice of that, fidgeted nervously. Wow, real emotion. It was the part of her that Nagisa alone was allowed to see. The theatrics were saved for everyone else on Astrea Hill.

"There's some things that are better left unsaid, okay? I don't think that's a hard concept to grasp." Her eyes narrowed slightly.

"You can talk to me," Shizuma moved herself closer. Nagisa sighed. The silverette was getting her confidence back, it seemed, as she put her gentle hands on Nagisa's lap. "You can tell me anything." With one hand, she held Nagisa's face while the other did finger-dances on her leg. "Don't you know how I feel about you?" Her face got close, way close. Close enough for her breath to tickle her companion's mouth. "Don't you?"

Instead of kissing her, she got a mouthful of rejecting hands and a push. "Stop it." Nagisa took her hands off of Shizuma's face. "Just stop it."

"What is it?"

"I...I hate that stuff."

"What?"

"I hate it when you do that. When you do that, it's like you're a whole different person."

"I'm the same person today that I was yesterday. Look at me, I'm the same."

"See? You can't even tell!" Bet that was a blow to your wonderful ego. "You get this look and -- oh my God, would you get off of my leg?" She was aware she wasn't acting at all like herself. So what? She had to be someone else to get through this, otherwise she'd break down and cry in front of Shizuma. Again.

"I'm sorry..."

"Sorry's not going to work this time."

"Could you tell me what's making you act like this? I hate it when you do this to me." It was getting harder and harder for her to maintain her typical smug expression. Her face kept twitching into a downcast frown. "I'll stop touching you, if that's going to make you feel better. Please tell me what's wrong. Did I do something bad?"

"Yeah. Aren't I making that clear enough for you?"

"What, then? What did I do?" Shizuma was getting tired of playing twenty-questions to get anything out of the other girl. Normally, a kiss was enough to melt her away along with her troubles. This time, things were different. It was taking a lot out of her to keep her composure. "I l-...yes, tell me already. You're making me feel horrible."

I think that's the point. "Why do you keep saying her name?"

Her meaning that girl that had died so long ago, before Nagisa had walked into Shizuma's world... Kaori Sakuragi. Only, she hadn't quite died. No. She was alive as long as her former lover kept saying her name. Kaori, this. Kaori, that. It was making Nagisa, the new lover, lose her mind.

"I said I was sorry! How many more times am I supposed to say that?"

In a totally bold and uncharacteristic move, Nagisa placed her hand on Shizuma's chest. "Until you feel it right here." Her hand dropped and she scooted over a whole step. Even further away. Both of them could sense the widening distance strangling the air around them. All of a sudden, Nagisa was feeling pretty claustrophobic.

The older girl had no response at first. It took her a good two minutes before she said, "But I do feel it. I feel it every time I look at you. I feel bad. You know that I'm not an open person like this...so, believe me when I say I feel like an idiot. I don't deserve you. You're--"

"Enough! Is that the same speech you give to every new girl?"

"What?"

"You heard me. Isn't that what you tell all the girls?"

"No. I swear," Shizuma's face gave up the struggle to look calm and finally looked pained. The hurt had found its way into her voice long ago. "I swear. I swear. I swear." She kept repeating those two words, searching for something else to say.

"Okay..."

"Forgive me?" Shizuma held out her arms, inviting Nagisa in. With a small smile, the younger girl took her up on the invitation. Held there for a while, Nagisa listened to Shizuma's heartbeat, wondering if hers beat on the same rhythm, too. "I care about you. I'm not lying whenever I say nice things about you, Kaori. You're my whole world and I know that sounds corny. I don't care. Words don't come close to how I feel. Can't you hear how fast my heart is going?"

"..." Nagisa pulled herself out of Shizuma's grasp.

"...Nagi-chan?"

"You said it again! What's wrong with you?"

"I don't know what's wrong with me..." She managed a whisper, that trailed off within two weak syllables.

"You know what I think? I think you've never gotten over her. She's dead! She's dead and she won't be alive again!" Nagisa screamed. "Stop! Would you just stop being her Shizuma and start being mine again? I can't take this anymore."

"Nagi-chan..." She fumbled to reply with a real sentence. "Uh...um...Nagi-chan..."

"I can't believe you." Nagisa shoved Shizuma off of the bed, the older girl falling off in a stupor. "Get out! Get out!!"

"Okay," was all Shizuma could manage to say.

She left in the most dignified way she could, with her head up high and a crushingly proud saunter. In truth, she was as broken up on the inside as she was strong on the outside. And as for Nagisa, when the door slammed closed on Shiz's way out, the tears wouldn't stop. One after the other, they wouldn't, couldn't stop falling.

It would be too easy to run after Shizuma and say that she was sorry. Too easy to take everything back. Too easy to hug and make up and every little other thing they did whenever things went wrong. It was the expected thing. The easy way out of the problem. Well, not this time. I'm going to let you decide on things for yourself, by yourself. If you can't...then I won't, either.

On the other side of the door, Shizuma waited a few moments before moving on.

The choices we have made...

A\N: Chapter finished March 30th, 2008. I haven't written anything for in ages so I thought I would try to start again. This time I wrote something focusing on Nagisa, Shizuma, and Kaori's ghost. Reviews welcome. Yes, I'm aware that Nagisa may sound a little...different here. She'll be back to her outwardly naive self soon; she was just way upset. Dramadramadrama.

I don't know if I really like the title to the fic, either. Any suggestions? Thanks.