Ninjas at hogwarts

A Naruto and Harry Potter fanfiction by Komiyan

Chapter 4: Depression

Hi people, for once (and only this one time), a note at the front. I like writing this story, but I don't like the way people are talking about it, and I HATE the way people use my rules and small mistakes in the text to their advantage, to reason to ME about MY OWN story, that I am not right. So sorry, but I am human, I make mistakes. Deal with it. I'm fed up with that, and I'm fed up with people not doing two simple things I'd rather not want, so don't expect an update soon. I was totally up to it yesterday evening, but now, I feel quite sick at just the IDEA of continuing. You'll hear from me again. Sorry for the inconvenience. It's just annoying, but I will continue it. Just not right now.

Enjoy the story!

Komiyan

Harry sighed deeply as he stared out of the window of his room at Grimmauld place 12. He had been here for two days now, and even though his friends and Sirius were there, he wasn't happy.

He felt as if he was trapped inside a gigantic cage and couldn't find the way out; and all the while his master and keeper was poking him in the head with a stick, trying to get him to move. The sensation of Voldemort's emotions inside of him bothered him; it was like the dark lord was constantly challenging him, and it really ticked him off, especially when he realised he actually WANTED to react to it.

He sighed again and moved his eyes to one of the two beds in the room: the one that Ron was snoring rather loudly in. He hadn't told Ron that his scar hurt yet, and he wasn't planning to, either. He really didn't want people to think he was a freak and a monster more than they already did, and he especially didn't want his best friend to start looking at him that way. So he had decided to stay silent about it. He knew he was no monster.

Harry's thoughts wandered in many different directions now. He thought about his other secrets, the ones that had nothing at all to do with magic. Very literally that meant his family and his life and experiences outside of the school. He hid those because he didn't really think it was necessary to share them with his friends. But... the boy who lived had yet another secret. And this was a secret that could cost him his normal life for ever at school, if it would ever come out.

Harry shuddered. No, he thought, I will never let it get out. It will be my secret... for ever.

"Harry? HARRY!"

"Aw, look, he's waking up."

Harry blinked, and rubbed his eyes underneath his glasses. Must have fallen asleep...

When he looked up, he stared into the smiling faces of his two best friends. "...Ron? ...'mione?" He mumbled sleepily. "When did yawn you arrive?"

"Just now. Oh, Harry, it's so good to see you again!" Hermione exclaimed, and hugged him. He hugged back half-heartedly, still not really awake. "S'good to see you too, 'mione..."He muttered, and stiffled another yawn. When Hermione let him go, Ron came up to him with a huge grin on his face, and slapped Harry on the back, so hard that he nearly lost his glasses. "Good to see you, man!"

"yeah, nice to see you too, Ron..." Harry answered, and stretched his back. "What time is it?"

Hermione checked her watch. "Half past ten." She said. "Maybe we should just go to bed, and talk tomorrow."

This plan was unanimously agreed to.

When they woke up the next morning, the sun was shining brightly, and everyone was in a great mood. Well... everyone except one. Harry walked through the house followed by the proverbial thundercloud that people with bad temper seem to have with them at all times. Everyone who crossed his path went out of his or her way to get out of the boy's, because he looked as if he was depressed enough to drop down and cry when provoked. In this fashion it took Harry a while to get to the kitchen, and when he arrived, he hushed all conversations more effectively than a death eater at a party of griffindors. All in all this was a good thing, because Remus and Mrs. Weasly were having an argument, but it didn't change the fact that his attitude scared everyone around him... He dropped down on a chair like a bag of flour. For a good five minutes, all remained silent. Then Mrs. Weasly, who was either oblivious of the effect of Harry's mood swings or suicidal (no one could really tell), approached him, and did the worst thing anyone could have done in the ongoing situation.

She greeted him. Cheerfully.

"Good morning Harry! Do you want some eggs and Bacon, Love?" She asked, all smiles and warm, motherly love.

Boom, silence.

Everyone flinched as Harry's aura of doom grew, and he glared up at Mrs. Weasly with a shadow cast over his face. It looked like he was going to say something really nasty...

"Yeah, I'd love it." He muttered, and fell face forward on the table, where he remained, while Mrs. Weasly skidded off to make him breakfast. Ron, who sat next to Harry, carefully poked him in the ribs. "Harry, mate, Are you all right?" He asked carefully, not wanting to trigger an explosion. But Harry just grunted in response, and swatted his hand away. "M'fine, Ron..." He lied. "Just tired, that's all. Don't worry." HE lapsed back into silence. Ron cast him an uncertain look. "Well, if you say so..." He trailed off. Hermione gave him a firm look and tsk'ed. Ron's shoulders drooped, like a puppy whose master had called him a 'bad dog'... But he didn't dare enquire further. The loaded silence dragged on.

When Mrs. Weasly came in with Harry's breakfast (everyone else had finished theirs already), she finally noticed that something was up with the boy. She fixed him with a sorrowful gaze as she dropped his plate on the table before him, and when she saw how he shoved his food to and fro on his plate, she'd had enough. "Harry, dear, what's the matter? You look depressed..." She said.

Harry grunted. "Nothing, Mrs. Weasly," he said, voice sounding strained. "I'm just really tired. I think I'll go up and sleep some more after breakfast, if it's okay..."

Mrs. Weasly shot him another worried look, but decided not to push it. "Of course, dear! And if you decide that you need to talk, you know where to find me..."

Harry gave her a tired smile. "Thanks, Mrs. Weasly, but I don't think that will be necessary." He stood up and staggered out of the kitchen, with everyone staring after him until he was gone. They all cast eachother inquisitive glances, and shrugged simultaneously to assure the others of their lack of insight in Harry's mood. It was a mystery to them all.

Harry dropped down on his bed and hid his face in his pillow. How could he face them? how could he not be depressed? He'd had THAT dream again... He felt sick, he felt repulsed by himself, but at the same time he knew he couldn't change something this deep inside of him, that all he would be able to do was make sure no one noticed and hope, no, PRAY that it would go away.

He jumped up and began pacing throug the room. Back, forth, back, forth, back, forth... There seemed to be no end. All he could do was walk, and think.

How can I have dreamt that! He thought. How can I... about another man! And not just any man, oh no! No, it had to be about HIM! What AM I going to do? AAAAARGH! At this point he burried his hands in his hair and tugged ferociously at it. The details of his dream chose that moment to come flooding into his brain, and in his mind he saw that lithe body, pale and fragile, he heard those lusty moans, and then his name, oh gods, his name...

Harry went rigid, then ran into the bathroom on the other side of the hallway and fell down on his knees before the toilet. For a second he was just breathing heavy, trying to control the sickly nausea that welled up inside him, then wave after wave hit him and he threw up. His breakfast, which he hadn't thought to see again, landed in the toilet bowl, and his snack of the evening before. Even after his stomach was empty, he kept heaving, unable to breathe, and then gasped for air before it was cut off again. When the nausea finally subsided he slid to the floor breathing hard, tears staining his cheeks and his hair all around his face. He felt so filthy, so unclean, so sinful.

He felt dirty.

And he knew he was dirty, too. He was an abomination, a black sheep, a stain on humanity. But he couldn't help it. No matter how many times he tried, he couldn't bring himself to change. In a frenzy, he tore his clothes off and stepped into the shower and turned it up until the water was so hot that his skin turned red at the touch. He hissed, but he didn't move while the water beat down upon him. He had deserved this pain. He knew that.

No matter how hot the water is, he thought bitterly, it will never wash away my filt. I am marked. I am bad. And no amount of hot water can clean up this dirt inside of me...

After he had calmed down a little he turned the shower off and took a towel from the rack. When it touched his skin, he fliched. The contact hurt, but he didn't really care. He just wanted to go to bed and sleep, and forget everything that had happened, forget all of his dreams. Try once more to be normal, to fit in, to be like all the other kids.

Yet deep in his heart, he knew he couldn't.

But he still tried.

Hi people, it's me, Komiyan! Another cliffie, so sorry, but I had to explain Harry's situation a little, you see... it's important for the story. Anyway, the question of the day:

Question 4: what is the Japanese word Naruto uses in the anime series to say "I"?

And the Lemon of the first passwords is coming, but it's late, because of a few things.

- Dark mousy broke his one hand and bruised his other wrist, so he can barely type. Normally his boyfriend would then type as he dictated, but his boyfriend is currently with his own parents, and not with mousy. It's nearly finished, but it'll take a while because of this. Please bear with that.

-Quizilla is fucked up so badly that we are having trouble working with it at all... the cathegories hardly work, homepages are dead, stories can't be opened... one big chaos. But we are trying as hard as we can, and it WILL be there, I promise. the subjects? wait and see...

Anyone got some more suggestions for Sasuke's cat's name? I'd like to hear them (and it will not be mr. Fluffykins, or fluffy, at ANY rate. All other suggestions will at least be concidered. Oh and 'woof'or 'meooow'are also unlikely to be taken seriously...).

Well, see ya later with chapter 5!

Komiyan -xxx-

p.s. sorry for the late update... schoolwork caught up with me.