Fandom: Detective Conan
Title: Men of the World
Author: isadorathegreat
Characters: Conan, Heiji, Sonoko, Ran, Shinichi, Saguru, Kaitou Kid
Pairings: Shinichi/Ran
Genre: Humour
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Set anytime after chapter 302 "Sting"
Warnings: Crack of epic proportions.
Summary: "Male. White suit. White hat. White cape. Monocle on the right eye. Good magician. Better thief. Possibly carrying a big, shiny ruby that has the ability to transport people to different dimensions. Have you seen him?"
Word Count: 1164
Disclaimer: I do not, in any way, profit from this story and all creative rights to the Detective Conan characters belong to Gosho Aoyoma.
Author's Notes: This might possibly be indicative of my need for Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicles but I wrote it anyway. Sorry, this is a one-shot, but I promise one day to send the boys on a 'reality trip' they'll never forget. (You have no idea how tempted I was to steal that title from Danny Phantom.)

"Listen, there's a hell of a universe next door: let's go."

-- E. E. Cummings

His back hurt.

No, that was understating it. Conan moaned as he sat up from the floor ('Carpet. Red. On top of stone. Covered in dust, broken wood, broken tiles, and rose petals,' he thought to himself), feeling a very large bruise on his back stretching painfully. Other aches also made themselves known as he burst into a sudden coughing fit, his lungs trying to expel the dust in them. Dimly, he could hear alarmed murmurs around him.

He opened his eyes and saw … dust. Dust everywhere, coating everything around him, still settling from when he fell through the ceiling of wherever he was. Shadows of people and benches loomed around him. Conan brushed as much debris off of himself as he could, just making out the outline of Hattori's leg in the corner of his eye.

Good. Now all he had to do was find Hakuba and Kid.

The air was clearing now and Conan could finally make out the details of his surroundings. The benches were long and made of dark wood worn smooth by years of sitting. The people were dressed in formal clothing and he recognized most of the faces.

Relatives. Friends. Classmates of both Kudo Shinichi and Edogawa Conan. Neighbours. Police officers. Ran's relatives. Strangers.

Conan stood up, still brushing dust off his clothes. Directly in front of him were Sonoko, Ran, another Hattori, a Shinichi, and an unfamiliar man in black robes. Above their startled faces was a stained glass window, depicting the Virgin Mary holding a baby Jesus.

Ran was wearing an extremely poofy-looking white gown and the other Shinichi was holding a gold ring in his hand, poised to slip it onto Ran's finger.

Conan quickly understood the situation.

He had just crashed through the ceiling of a church, landed in the centre aisle and interrupted a wedding ceremony.

Apparently, Ran and a non-shrinking version of himself were getting married.

'Shit.'

Ran was the first to speak to him.

"Conan-kun, what on Earth are you doing here? Are you alright?" Her tone was equal parts innocent confusion and motherly worry. She was completely oblivious to the implications of Conan and Shinichi being in the same room together.

Conan stared at his shocked counterpart.

"You're about to get married and you haven't even told her yet?" he asked incredulously. Shinichi blushed as almost every pair of eyes in the room turned towards him.

"I … I was going to," he said defensively. Conan gave him a dry look.

"I know you're your own person, with your own life, and can make your own decisions, but I hope you realize that if she ever finds out on her own, Ran will dropkick you through a wall."

Twisting away from the suddenly suspicious Ran and the other Shinichi, who was muttering something along the lines of, "You could have at least called her Ran-neechan," Conan bent down and prodded the foot beside him.

"Oi, Hattori. Wake up." All he heard in return was a groan. Conan nudged the foot some more, but didn't get a better reaction. Impatiently, he kicked Hattori's leg. The teen sat up.

"Okay, that hurt," grumbled Hattori, glaring sleepily at his friend. Then he looked forward and blinked. A slow grin appeared on his face as he examined his slightly older double. "Damn, I didn't think I looked that good in a suit!" Conan rolled his eyes.

"Focus, idiot." He straightened and faced ahead again as Hattori shifted bits of roof off his legs. Conan noticed no one was speaking anymore and sighed. He was getting a little tired of spouting off the same explanation every time they landed someplace new.

"Look," he started, glancing at the people around him. "You're all probably wondering why I'm not in America or wherever, why Hattori suddenly has a twin, and why we fell through the ceiling. To make a long story short …" Conan pointed to himself. "I'm from a parallel universe." He pointed to Hattori, who gave a little wave. "He's from a parallel universe. We - along with a few others - have been popping into different dimensions, trying to get home. Obviously, we haven't made it back yet.

Now, if you happened to see Kaitou Kid lurking around anywhere, would you please point me in his direction?"

Conan didn't get much of an answer. A few of the guests shrugged their shoulders and both the other Hattori and the other Shinichi asked simultaneously, "Who's Kaitou Kid?"

Well. Now Conan knew he was on another planet. These people didn't even know who Kaitou Kid was.

He couldn't wait to rub it in the thief's face.

"Male. White suit. White hat. White cape. Monocle on the right eye. Good magician. Better thief. Possibly carrying a big, shiny ruby that has the ability to transport people to different dimensions. Have you seen him?"

A door slammed open. Conan jerked around to see Hakuba leading a babbling Kid through the main entrance of the church. Kid was in shock.

"They didn't recognize me," he kept repeating. "They didn't recognize me!"

"I noticed," said Hakuba flatly. He caught Conan's eye. "Can we go now?"

Conan nodded and suddenly realized Hattori was no longer standing beside him. He turned to see him teasing the couple at the altar.

"I knew this would happen!" announced Hattori, his voice particularly smug. "You kept denying you liked Nee-chan, saying she's just your childhood friend, she's annoying, she's violent, but you can never hide anything from the Great Detective of the West! I bet you even proposed in the same restaurant your parents did!"

"He did." The triumphant grin on the other Hattori's face was identical to the younger Hattori's. "I won the entire betting pool at the police department because of that."

Hattori's eyes widened as he looked at the best man, ignoring the indignant sputtering of Ran and Shinichi behind him. "Really? How much?"

"HATTORI!"

Both Hattoris turned to see a rather red-faced Conan breathing heavily after his ear-splitting shout. He composed himself.

"We're leaving." His tone dropped to something much more threatening and very unlike a child's should be. "And if you ever mention any of this ever again, I'll shove my foot so far up your -"

"Alright, alright. Jeez, you're so grouchy." Hattori gave a quick bow to the people at the altar and hurried towards the little group at the end of the aisle. Hakuba searched through the still-traumatized Kid's pocket and pulled out a glowing, red stone. He held it out between them and Hattori, Conan, and the Kid (who's hand was slightly unsteady) all touched the ruby together.

They vanished in a flash of light.

A hush descended on the church. The silence was only broken when Ran directed a very pointed question to her astounded fiancé.

"And just what exactly have you been hiding about Conan-kun from me?"