Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or anything to do with it, except for my Edward Cullen Fan club hat!!

A/N So this one was inspired by Caroline and I buying tanning lotion so we could be tanner! Umm, let's just say it didn't go so well…..

(It's white when you put it on!! How were we supposed to know how orange it would come out?? HUH!?)

(The monkey shout out is to Casey and her awesome FF!)

The Peculiar Effects of Tanning Lotion On Vampires

BPov:

I walked up the steps of the Cullen's house and knocked on the door. The sound of scuffling feet and doors slamming was my only response. Hmm, that's strange…..Edward always met me at the door. I opened the door and walked in.

"Hellooooooo!!" I called out

No answer. Ahh, here was an idea…!

"HELP!! Edward, HELP!! I'm being attacked by crazed vampires/ werewolves/ Mike Newton!"

In the blink of an eye my beloved was at my side.

"Bella! Where are they, Let me at em, Let me at em!!

Edward just looked around and when he finally realized no one was there he looked at me.

"Bella, uhh...I can explain!"

"Let me Edward, Let me!" Emmet squealed like a three year old

But all I could do was stare in horror.

The Cullen's were bright orange!

xxxxxxxxxxxx The Story (Emmet Style) xxxxxxxxxxxx

"It was night and since we don't have lives and have nothing to do crazy things tend to happen. I was having yet another arm wrestling match with Jasper and of course winning. Jasper was getting increasingly frustrated which was spreading to me to. So we were both pretty mad when Jasper decided to cheat by using his abilities. Since I sadly have none, except for my good looks and huge muscles of course, I was at a disadvantage!"

Jasper just snorted at this part. All the Cullens had come down except for Rosalie.

"So he starts sending emotions of weakness and fatigue in my direction!" Emmet made a dramatic sigh before continuing. "Clearly I couldn't win under those circumstances—"

"Emmet, SHUT UP AND TELL THE STORY!!" the Cullens screamed in unison.

"Right, anyway, then we all hear Alice screaming at the top of her lungs, which she always does when she is excited, so it wasn't anything new. I told Jasper to go shut his wife up, but too late, she had called an emergency family meeting. So we all file into her room and she is just standing in front of these bottles of lotion. I look over at Edward and see he looks incredibly scared and is inching towards the door. I decided that meant I should be scared to. So between the feelings of fear, confusion and extreme excitement Jasper lay on the ground and started rocking himself back and forth like a deranged lunatic."

"Hey!" Jasper called out, being ignored by everyone else.

"Then Alice puts on her very adorable please-do-whatever-I-want-because-I-never-had-a-childhood face. "Hey everybody!" Alice called "I just found the most amazing product EVER!! You have to PLEASE, PLEASE promise me you'll try it!! It will make us all look sooo fabulous!" Everyone looked extremely concerned remembering the last time she had said that to them….." Oh, common guys, this is NOTHING like the waxing kit! Family shutters in unison. "Well, what is it then, Alice dear?" Esme asked sweetly.

"It's (long dramatic pause…) TANNING LOTION!!" Alice started screaming and bouncing up and down as we just stood there. "Rosalie you're always complaining about being pale and I know Emmet secretly wished he looked like The Rock Johnson! Common, guy's pleassssssssssssseeeeeee!! Alice begged.

I was actually starting to warm up to the idea, I mean once I turned tan nothing would stop me from taking on good old Dwayne and becoming even more famous and buff then he!! The rock Emmet…...Anyway, So me and Rosalie agreed and so did Jasper since he just a big pushover and incredibly passive. Esme agreed just to keep Alice happy. Only Carlisle and Edward looked hesitant. Carlisle finally gave in after having Alice stand right in front of his face and stare at him for 10 minutes straight. Alice flitted over to Edward and said "If you don't do this I tell Bella..."

At this point Edward jumped up and punched Emmet in the face so he flew against the wall with an earthquake like thud. He looked like a flying mutated pumpkin.

"What Edward!? What can't you tell me!!" Bella said anxiously

"Ahh, nothing , nothing" He said quickly

Emmet got back up with a laugh.

"I'll let you two work that out later" he said evilly" Back to the story, So Alice takes out the lotion and we all strip down to our underwear, which was interesting…...but that's for another time, So we each get a bottle of lotion and we squirt it out. It was white. So I asked Alice how come it wasn't a Copper Mahogany sunset like the color of The Rock. And, apparently, once it dried it would turn that perfect shade of bronze.." Emmet sighed and most likely went into a day dream involving an ultimate movie show down with Dwayne Johnson, which was kind of creepy.

Now Emmet resumed the story with an angry tone. "So we lathered it on and then…… (Another dramatic pause) about an hour later I hear a scream that beat Alice's any day. It was my beautiful Rosalie. So I ran upstairs to see what was wrong but when I opened the door Rosalie was bright orange with streaks on her body were she had missed rubbing it in. She looked absolutely livid. So what I said next probably wasn't the smartest thing… Rose what the crow happened to you! "Well, why don't you look in the mirror Emmet, your not much better!"

So I turned around and let out my own girlish shriek. Instead of a handsomer, stronger, younger and all around better Dwayne Johnson, I looked like I had eaten one too many carrots as a child. No, make that, I'd only eaten carrots my entire life!!"

At this point he gave Alice an evil stare from where she had been hiding in the corner

"I mean REALLY Alice, how could you not have seen this coming!?"

"Umm, my parents were mean to me as a child?"

"Not gonna work this time!" said an unusually aggravated Esme, with orange streaks on her face

As they all cornered Alice with pointy objects that had just magically appeared, Bella cried out: Wait, Edward, What don't you want me to know!!"

"Umm, Emmet, finish the story!" said a panicked orange Edward as they backed away from Alice.

"So that's basically the end. I mean, Rose locked herself in the room and refuses to see the light of day until all the stuff washes off and Alice is basically going to die in her bed tonight, but yep, just another uneventful night in the Cullen household."

Bella just sat there and then burst out hysterically laughing.

"That is the funniest thing I've ever heard!"

"So your not mad, love?" asked Edward

"Mad? Now I'm a centimeter closer to being equal with you!" Edward looked upset at that comment

"Well, whatever makes you happy…."He stammered The Cullens had resumed their stance of standing over Alice with the magically appearing and disappearing objects of mass destruction.

"Umm, let's go Bella...to the meadow, yeah, no one can see me there!"

They walked to the door when Bella turned towards Edward.

"You are going to tell me, you know."

"Umm, look monkeys!!"

"oooohhh, where??"

THE END??