Learning to Breathe Again

I know you have a little life in you yet.

I know you have a lot of strength left.

Kate Bush from This Woman's Work

He had watched helplessly one night when she had been held captive by Adam Trent and he swore he would stop running if he were given another chance. She had gone home that night and he had followed, knocking on her door and surprising both of them when he took her into his arms and kissed her. The event had started a secret relationship between the two, hidden from the others until she was taken.

And then she was taken…

He recalled the frantic search for her in those desperate hours. His mind raced back to their last words just that night, to the last time they had made love which was hours ago, to their last kiss just that morning and yet he felt he had wasted so much time. He felt their eyes on him as he barked out orders and yet he wanted to sit down and tell himself to breathe not sure he would remember to do it if they found her lifeless body.

The only person I've ever loved…

He said it out loud without thinking of the consequences. The words slipped from his lips as he proclaimed his love for Sara. They had been so successful at hiding their relationship from the others except Natalie knew. She watched as his hand slipped down her arm sending ripples down her back as they exchanged glances. The look went unnoticed to all but Natalie. It was what she did. She observed. It had been a mistake for them that would almost cost Sara her life but Natalie was not prepared for Sara's determination to live.

As the water poured into the car, Sara struggled to free herself. She had to live. She had Grissom. She had him finally after seven years. Two years was not enough. She wanted more. She needed more. She took a gulp of air and then plunged down deep forcing her arm from its prison and then she was struggling to the top and gasping for air. She felt herself swallow the sand filled water. She found herself soon out of the death trap only to be emerged into another as she walked through the hot desert longing for water just hours after her prayer to take the water away.

She swallowed deeply and felt the sand slide down her throat. Her lungs burned and yet she forced herself to keep moving. He would be there soon. She knew it. He would find her any minute and she was determined to have another moment with him even if it were to breathe her last breath. She wanted that moment.

And she was found…

He had hopped into that chopper and held her hand as she struggled to breathe. Her eyes opened and he was there. She read the name on the jacket "G-R-I-S-S-O-M" and told herself it was the most perfect name in the world because it belonged to him. She belonged to him. She had from the moment she met him. It just took him seven years to accept that and once he did she had finally felt as if she was worthy of life.

They had their moment and then there was another and another. She had defied the odds like Nick. The hospital stay had been short. One minute she was being examined and then there was the cast and the x rays and the consultation about her lungs and then the hours of nothingness where her body was pumped with drugs and she forgot for a moment that she had struggled to breathe, her lungs partially cleared of the sand and the debris she had swallowed while under that Mustang.

She was home within days. She was walking the dog and doing house chores and they began to pretend as if nothing had happened with only a few reminders such as the arm in its sling and the scratches on her face. She was given medical leave for a few weeks and while she remained off work Sara had continued with her same sleeping pattern telling herself she would return to grave yard but knowing that personnel would not allow this since he had let their relationship be known to all. Things were almost the same except for the dreams.

The dreams were intense sending her into fits of screams filled with sweat and tears and gasps for air. He had been there at first. Both suffered through the dreams for awhile but then that stopped. She no longer had the dreams when he was home but when he was working and she was there to endure them alone. She was sent to swing and it further complicated their lives as she spiraled downward.

She found herself sleeping less and walking Bruno at all hours. She hid the insomnia by telling herself she was just avoiding the dreams but then she remembered it had begun before Natalie but Natalie and the Mustang and the desert was a better excuse. She displayed the sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet and yet nothing was said.

Her talks with the office psychologist were marked on the calendar in the kitchen and no mention of the visits was made even though they had started before the abduction. Her stamina lagged and she found herself more and more tired with each day. Her body was placed in turmoil as she made the switch to another shift. They waited for Ecklie to complete the investigation and for personnel to make their ruling on disciplinary action for his admission into their relationship.

He wondered if he had not uttered those words then perhaps she would not have left, leaving everything behind including him, the dog and their home. He knew it had been difficult when she was transferred to another shift but then she seemed to fall back into her work. She had always professed her love to him and she had not seemed to waiver even though she was taken from her friends and placed with others who knew little about her quirks or who could watch for the danger signs when she was forgetting to breathe as the cases pulled her down each day until she felt she was back under that damn fire engine red Mustang.

The injuries from the red Mustang were minimal compared to the wounds she suffered from Natalie. He chose to ignore those wounds and focused only on the visible ones just as he chose to avoid the other wounds she carried since childhood. He longed for their old routine and thus refused to see the danger signs. He continued to act as though nothing had happened as she plunged back into her work not heeding the danger signs her mind and body were screaming at her…at him.

He lay there as he reached for her but her side of the bed remained cold and empty. He pulled her pillow tight but it was no longer comforting. Her scent was now gone. Even the clothes that had been left in the closet no longer contained that familiar scent. He tossed once more before letting exhaustion take him and he slept. It was another fitful dream of searching the desert and then seeing the half immersed body in the sand. He felt himself digging only to find her lifeless body. He sat up quickly and wiped the sweat from his brow and he willed his heart to slow.

She was found…

She's alive…

She's out there somewhere…

She survived…

There were a number of dreams that visited him and with each one came the pain of knowing that he had not lost her to Natalie but that she had just left. It had not made any sense and the more he tried to make sense of it the angrier he became.

He opened the desk drawer and found the letter tucked deep inside. He knew it was there. It had remained there ever since she had left. He told himself she would be back in a few weeks but as the weeks passed, he told himself she was on a sabbatical and would return in a month. He opened the letter and read it once more. The paper was now worn and tattered but he could make out the words.

Gil,

You know I love you. I feel I've loved you forever. Lately I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told, I'm tired. Out in the desert under that car I realized something and I haven't been able to shake

it. Since my father died I've spent almost my entire life with ghosts. We've been like close friends and out there in the desert it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them. I can't do that

here. I'm so sorry. No matter how hard I tried to fight it off I'm left with the feeling that I have to go. I have no idea where I'm going but I know I have to do this. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll self destruct

and you'll be there to see it happen. Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. You are my one and only. My heart. Our life together was the only home I've ever had. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I love you. I always will.

Goodbye

He had been hopeful when she had called one night. Her voice wavered a bit but she told him she was fine. She had told him she would not be returning to work. He knew it when she left. She had crossed the line of burnout. He had seen it before with other workers. He just never imagined it would happen to Sara.

She had told him she was getting better after visiting her mother and now she was at a crossroads but needed to hear his voice. He had needed more. He had needed her back. They had quarreled and she had not gotten around to telling him why she had called. The reason had been lost over the quarrel. He had let his anger spill forth and she had retreated once more.

He folded the letter back and shoved it a bit further into the desk drawer. She stood there now in the door way and he smiled. It had been a long time since he had felt like smiling. He was grateful for her company.

"Ready?" she asked.

"Dinner?" he asked.

"I could cook?" she offered.

He accepted.

He picked up his things and headed out the door with Sofia.

She watched him out of the corner of her eye as she put the last finishing touches to the dinner. He found himself looking around the house. It had been the first time that someone else had been here since she left. Her things were still immersed with his. He could not bring himself to remove her things and place them in storage.

She pretended not to notice them but she knew he had kept the house the same as if he expected her to return. They sat that night and enjoyed the meal. She was easy to talk with and he had begun to look forward to these nights. He told himself it was friendship but he knew that Sofia wanted something more.

"Gil?"

"Yes?"

"Don't you think it's time you let her go?" she asked.

She regretted saying anything the moment she saw his face.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything," she said as she began to clean up.

He was speechless. The awkward moment passed as he followed her into the kitchen and assisted with the cleanup.

"You're a great cook. Sara…." He stopped himself not believing he had uttered her name. It seemed to echo throughout the house.

"Sara, what?"

"She never cooked much. She left that up to me," he said quietly.

"I'll have to get you to cook for me then," she said.

He smiled.

"Gil?"

"Hmm?"

"She left you. She's not coming back….it's been almost a year."

He said nothing.

She came to stand in front of him and wrapped her arms around him.

"She's gone but I'm here."

He closed his eyes and accepted the embrace. It was warm and tempting. He imagined what it would be like to hold her once more. He found himself holding her closer as his lips dipped down to meet hers. The moment his lips touched hers, he knew it was not her. It was not Sara. He forced himself to respond but yet there was nothing. He felt nothing. He told himself it was a mistake but now as he felt her hand slide down his waist, he forced himself to remain still.

He was actually relieved the moment his phone rang and he reached for it as Sofia stepped away.

"Grissom."

"There's been a kidnapping," said Brass. "A small community about fifty miles from here."

"And we're being called in?" he asked.

"We're the closest….it was a six month old baby."

"I'm on my way," he said as he closed the phone.

He met the others at the site. It was a beautiful two story house in the country. As he walked up the front steps he noticed the front porch swing. A small toy sat there. He opened the door and entered. To the right the room opened into a study where someone sat in a chair near the fire. A man knelt holding her hand.

The parents…

They must be devastated…

Or covering their tracks…

He wasn't sure when he had become so cynical. He started to go up the stairs when he felt a hand on his arm.

It was Brass.

"We need to talk outside a moment," he said a bit agitated.

Grissom glanced into the room but Brass was pulling him out on the porch.

"What's wrong?"

"It's Sara."

He face grew white.

"The victim's mother is Sara….Gil, she's in there. She's pretty shook up. Her six month old son is missing."

He stepped back to catch his breath.

Note from author:

Welcome back to those that have been reading my stories. To those that are new, I hope you will enjoy the story. All I ask is that you leave a review for each chapter. It's not much to ask for the time I spend coming up with these tales.

Take Care!

Penny