This was a dream I had. I got the title from a band, you might of heard of them, I don't perticularly like them but hey.
This is set after Paternity, the effects are somewhat different. This is just a short reflection on Elliot's part.
Disclaimer: I don't need to tell you that no characters in Law and Order SVU belong to me. They belong to the mighty Mr Wolf.
Funeral for a Friend
I've never liked the colour black. Too dull, depressing, especially for an occasion like this. After all the things we've seen, and all the things we do it all ended like this? A car crash? It wasn't her fault and she saved my wife and unborn child. But at what cost?
She was my partner for 9 years, it had not always been easy in those years but we knew each other better than anyone else could. Olivia knows more things about me than Kathy will ever know. Kathy doesn't understand. She's making the most of my compassionate leave. She says it's great that I'm spending more time with them? I can see how she's using Olivia's death to her advantage but the thing is I can't stand being with her anymore. We've tried and tried, I've tried and tried but my heart has never really, truly belong to her. I want to leave her but now there is no one to leave her for.
What do you think Olivia? I know you were always tolerant towards her especially when she gave you the run around when she thought you and I were having an affair. Were we? I always remembered thinking that I shouldn't be experiencing the feelings I got whenever you were around, I still get them. I don't think I can live without you, Liv. I couldn't cope without you when you were states and states away from me, and now your further away than ever.
Do you blame me for your death because if you do, that's fine. I know it was my fault. If I hadn't have forgotten about Kathy's appointment then you wouldn't have had to take her. I would have, and I would never have gone that way, I always take the short cut. The accident would never have happened and you'd still be alive telling me to stop being such a stupid ass and stop mopping about.
I had a dream about you last night, a dream about you that no married man should have about another another woman. I felt this connection to you, this electricity that has bound my soul to your forever. It's almost like one of those 'til death do us part' vows but I will never let you go.
The children really miss you, I remember when I told them and they grieved as if they'd lost a mother. Lizzie talks about you all the time and I think it's just her way of dealing with you being gone. I don't want you to be gone, no one does.
I could give the world just to have you back for one more minute to say to you all the things I never had the courage to say to while you were alive.
That day was the worst of my life. I wasn't there for you, and I hate myself for it. I was with Kathy and the baby, I thought you were ok. The paramedics told me you were walking wounded. No one told me you collapsed at the hospital, I called you for hours and wondered why you didn't pick up. The unit wasn't conntacted straight away, it was Simon, your brother that contacted us. The hospital had called him and he called the unit. He called me. I can't believe how this has all happened and I wish there was another way.
He is sitting next to me, we carried your coffin to the cemetery with Cragen, Munch, fin and some other guys from the funeral home, I don't care who they were but they didn't have the right tocarry the coffin that contained the love of my life.
I think my marriage is truly over. I don't think you ever had faith in my marriage when we got back together after EJ was born. I wish I'd believed you.
I watch as they lower you into the ground and I sob for everything that was and everything that could have been. Everyone stands around in their uniforms and I sink to the ground. My heart is being buried with you in your grave. My soul was always yours.
I will love you everyday for the rest of my miserable life. I know it won't be the same without you.