Yes, I am incurably insane. But that is not the point.

This is my unofficial entry to the "What if?" Challenge in the Writing Challenge Forum – that I (cough) run. I think I've broken a few of my own rules, but pfft. That's what I judge, not enter. For instance…this is a Mediator/Twilight crossover, bahaha. So yeah. All characters owned by Meg Cabot and Stephenie Meyer respectively. And this won't be the only chapter.

Have fun!

- Lolly.

– TWILIATOR –

'I'm unkillable,' Edward mentioned casually, draping his pale body over the couch of Susannah Simon's living room. The girl in question stood beside Bella Swan and Jacob Black in the corner of the room, eyeing the tense scene that was ready to erupt. Before Edward, a ghostly Jesse crossed his arms, and rolled his eyes.

'As am I, vampire…since I'm already dead.'

'Well, I can lift vans,' Edward sneered, the beginnings of annoyance emerging on his chiselled face.

'So can I,' Jesse's eyebrow quirked up. 'Without lifting a finger…'

The threat in this ghost was now obvious. Tight-lipped, Edward said crisply, 'I can move at the speed of light.'

'Light similar to that of my dematerialisation?' Jesse asked lightly.

Edward's nostrils flared.

'I'm not invisible!' he snapped.

'Nor can you experience sunlight…as your pasty, unattractive pallor would suggest.'

'I can sparkle! Hah. Beat that, Casper the Douche-y Ghost!'

Jesse examined his fingernails. 'I don't need sunlight to glow, Cullen...my aura is around twenty four hours a day...'

Edward leapt to his feet.

'I CAN READ MINDS!'

This made Jesse flinch. Aaah, a challenge indeed. So, he dropped all pretences of a fair fight, and fought dirty.

'My girlfriend's hotter…' he hissed.

Edward swelled. '…Take that BACK, cowboy!'

'My girlfriend makes Kelly Prescott look like a dog,' Jesse said laughingly.

'A werewolf?' Jacob Black piped up hopefully.

'Not that bad,' Suze snorted. Jacob pouted.

'Well, my girlfriend punched a werewolf in the face!' Edward said competitively.

'…After jumping him,' Jesse grinned. 'Dios…it must be hard to deal with her raging nymphomania…'

'YOUR hoe jumped the tennis captain! In his bedroom!' Edward retorted accusingly.

Bella and Suze, appalled onlookers, cried, 'Hello? We were victims.'

Jacob pouted some more.

Ignoring them, the ancient battle between vampire and were – um, I mean, ghost, waged on…

'My girlfriend is 34B!' Jesse offered.

'MINE'S 32C!'

Jesse glared at Bella invasively, and sighed when he conceded that this was indeed no lie.

'Touché…' he drawled. 'Well, Cullen, my girlfriend isn't a complete and utter wimp.'

Edward looked in horror at Bella. She just shrugged. 'It's fair.'

The vampire's lip curled, revealing sharp white teeth. 'YOU WEAR SPURS!'

Bella grinned. 'Nice one, Edward!'

'Shut up, you fangbanger,' Suze spat.

Narrowing her eyes, Bella warned, 'Don't push me, Suze…'

'What you gonna do? Block-your-mind-from-me to death?'

'She broke my nose once…' Jacob piped up in Bella's defence, but al eyes glared at him fiercely, and he shut up.

Jesse sighed. 'Now Edward. We are gentlemen. We shouldn't be fighting like this…even if it is in your nature to do so, being so young…'

'I died in 1918!' he protested.

With a triumphant smile, Jesse replied, '1850…punk.'

'Why, you little – '

'But – ' Jesse hurried, 'We actually do have a lot in common. I mean…lack of a pulse aside…we are both subjecting our girlfriends to necrophilia.'

…What?

Everyone froze.

'B-but – ' Bella spluttered, 'No, Edward and I don't – '

'BELLA! NOOOOO!' Edward roared, flinging himself at her to block her mouth.

But the damage…was done.

And Suze grinned with Jesse.

'I win,' he said.