He's No Heenan

Author: Vicky (The Heartbreak Babe)

Story: Unsatisfied with poor ratings and PPV buyrates, Vince McMahon decides to punish Randy Orton for his unsatisfactory performance as WWE Champion. How is Orton punished? Well, you'll just have to find out!

Time Period: Some time after WrestleMania 24.

Type: One-Shot

Note: I got this idea from something a friend of mine on a wrestling message board said. Bobby Heenan himself isn't mentioned or even in the story. The title is a reference to a report I read about how Orton needs a Heenan-type manager. This is a joke loosely based on that. This is my first time writing something like this so I hope you like it. It's unlike the other stuff I've written. Oh, and despite what you may read, I am a fan of Randy Orton.

"Oh, how sweet! Santino couldn't have Maria so he opted for you instead." Chris Jericho mocked.

"Shut up, Chris!" Randy Orton spewed.

"Apparently that's what Tino can't seem to do when it comes to you!" Triple H retorted. "'Randy is-a so-a nice to me-a! Randy is-a so fun-a hang-a 'round with!' So when's the big day, Randy? Have the two of you discussed your wedding plans yet?"

"Hunter, you're missing the bigger picture. I think the real question here is what he and Santiko are going to name the baby!" Jericho responded.

"How about Brokeback?" responded Triple H.

And with that, both jokesters laughed themselves to the ground as Randy Orton looked on in anger. Vince McMahon just had to do this. He just had to punish him for poor buyrates and ratings. His reasoning? "Randy, when our product looks bad, the fans look at our champion and think that he is setting a bad example for everyone else here. If you don't look good, then WWE doesn't look good and if WWE doesn't look good, then I don't look good. I don't like not looking good, Randy."

So what did Vince do? He had Orton lose the title to Triple H at WrestleMania 24, in front of the entire world at the Grandest Stage of Them All. And if that didn't make matters worse, the very next night on Raw, Vince brought Orton out to the ring and introduced him to his new manager who, as Vince stated, "for one whole year, will elevate you to new heights!" And out came him - Santino Marella. Elevate him to new lows seemed more like it. He didn't just accompany him on the show, he followed him everywhere! To the gym, to the grocery store, you name it, Tino was there! Hell, just a few days ago, Santino even went so far as to pay Randy a visit in his most private of places. It pained him to think of that fateful day...

- Flashback Sequence -

April 26, 2008, 8:30 am

Resting comfortably in his bed - his own bed! - Randy Orton grunted at the alarm clock telling him to get out of bed and greet the day.

"The day can wait!" he said to no one in particular as he turned over and made no action to leave the bed. He lazily shut off the alarm, closed his eyes, and prepared to ease himself back to sleep. Oh, these sheets have never felt so good, he thought to himself as a curve of satisfaction formed on his lips. Just then, Randy began to smell something. He smelled eggs...and...and...and bacon! Pancakes, too! His lovely wife was downstairs preparing his breakfast! If that wasn't enough to get him out of bed, then nothing was! He hurriedly jumped out of bed and ran downstairs.

"Oh, Sam, what would I do without you? It's the love you bring that makes me say WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!"

And there he was, in his kitchen cooking his eggs, his bacon, his pancakes, in his wonderful abode.

"What the hell are you doing in my house?"

"You know, you might-a want-a find a better place to hide-a your spare key." Santino dangled the mentioned item with his free left hand. "Under the Welcome mat in-a front-a the door is-a so-a overpainted-a."

"Overrated, you idiot, overrated! If you're going to live in America, you might as well not butcher our language!"

"What-a-ever. Just-a en-a-joy the breakfast I-a fixed you."

Santino placed a hot plate full of food on the table as Randy looked on in disgust.

"Does my wife even know you're here?"

As if on cue, Samantha Orton walked through the door looking a little exhausted but beaming with delight. Judging by her apparel, she had been out jogging.

"Ah, good-a-morning, misses Sammy!"

"Good morning, Santino!" Sam looked over at the food that was prepared. "Oh, how sweet of you and Randy to fix breakfast today!" She gave her husband a kiss on the cheek, announced that she was going to take a shower, and join them in a few.

Once she disappeared upstairs, Orton gave Santino his best death glare. However, Santino seemed unaffected by this as he gave Randy a huge Italian smile in response.

- End Flashback Sequence -

And from there, it only got worse. The three of them ended up spending the whole entire weekend together. That was just one person too many, Randy thought.

And here he was, the butt of many jokes. And he'd have to suffer this fate, this fate worse than death, every single day for a whole year.

Just then, Shawn Michaels entered the scene staring at Hunter and Chris who were still laughing at their little joke.

"Shawn, oh gosh, Shawn, you won't believe what Randy and Tino are naming their baby -- Brokeback!" Jericho announced in between laughs.

Shawn nonchalantly looked over at Randy and after a few moments of blankly looking at him, Shawn started laughing his head off, too.

"Looks like Vince isn't the only one that loves cocks!" Triple H struggled to say in-between laughs as well as he leaned against Jericho for support from laughing so hard.

"I wonder who wears the pants in that relationship!" Shawn asked, looking at Randy, as he slapped his knees in laughter.

"It damn sure ain't Randy! When was the last time you've seen him wear pants?" Hunter mentioned.

"Ahhh, you've got a point! I never thought about it like that!" Jericho said as he banged his left hand against a locker and later fell to the floor crying from laughing so much.

As the three of them continued mocking Orton, the man of the hour showed up.

"Ah, Randy, there-a you are. We've got a match tonight against the Lowwaters. After that, me and you are-a going to swap-a the spit with-a Carlito."

"Highlanders, you moron!" Randy yelled.

"'Swap spit with Carlito?' You mean you've graduated to threesomes, Randy?" Hunter joked.

The three of them kept laughing until Shawn all of a sudden stopped and looked confused.

"Wait...they have a school for that kind of stuff?" Shawn asked.

"Shawn, I'll explain it to you later. " Jericho assured the older gentleman as he turned his attention back to the subject at hand. "Talk about a real sausage fest. I thought Randy was a one-man guy!"

"I hate all of you!" Randy finally managed to say.

"I'm glad it's not the other way around because quite frankly, we don't fly that way." Hunter replied.

"Ha ha! You said 'frank' and 'fly'." Chris noted.

At Chris' mention, he and the founding fathers of D-Generation X continued to laugh their heads off at Randy's expense...and the year had just started for him.

I hope this story was a blast for you to read as it was for me to write it. I also hope the humor came off really well and that you laughed, too. Take Care and God Bless!