Disclaimer: What would I do with Kingdom Hearts if I owned it? Munny can't buy happiness; only Hi-Potions.
This is pretty much insane. I don't know what came over me, but I just had to write this. If you read between the lines, this could be considered romance...but it's not cute and fluffy, it's not sweet, and it's pretty harsh. Also, there isn't a specific timeline; these are really just snapshots of Axel's mind, according to Zheyne. Still, it's AkuRoku. Because AkuRoku is actually a soul-eating monster, and it just pops out at you without warning.
Anyway, enjoy.
Variables
Behind the panel belonging to the Key of Destiny, there is an old, faded traveling case.
It isn't true, you know. Saïx isn't the strangest member of the Organization. Most think he is…but Axel knows better. It isn't Saïx.
It's Roxas.
Or rather…it was Roxas, but Axel just can't let go of him. Axel still wants to believe that Roxas is still here, beside him...because if he isn't, that makes Axel a new kind of failure. Axel doesn't like failing; he likes it even less than losing, and that is saying something.
Roxas gave things to Axel he had no right to give; but that's not what makes him strange. What makes Roxas strange is that he gave them anyway.
"Oh, it's something I picked up at the Porter campsite in the Deep Jungle. It looked stupid and impractical because it was full of junk, but I brought it back anyway."
Axel knows that existence is shallow and subjective; it's one of the most obvious things in any of the worlds. Just take a look over there; the Huns are invading China, and if one side loses the other wins. They don't even have to lose their hearts to fade away; they just have to lose their lives.
If existing is a part of living but living doesn't necessarily have anything to do with existence,there's obviously a factor or two missing. Axel is sure that's what the Organization is about; finding those variables and solving the equation. Unfortunately, the others don't see that, and…why would they listen to him? He acts like he's stupid half the time, because he's loyal to no one but Axel. He'd even betray Roxas if he weren't at the top of Axel's List Of Things I Want.
So for now, Axel just does his own thing; until that equation makes some sense, there's no point in siding, one way or another. He's never been great with math...he's never had to be. He's always made others do math for him.
In the traveling case, there is a pair of little white kid gloves.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a poor scullery maid named Ella. Her golden locks were hid away beneath a cloth; her dainty feet were bare; and her slender fingers were always red and rough from the lye with which she washed her stepmother's floors.
But despite the rags in which she was forced to dress, she was the most beautiful person in the world. Her ruddy cheeks turned men's heads; her kind heart gave cheer; and her sweet voice charmed all those around her…except her two wicked stepsisters. In a fit of jealousy, the eldest dubbed her 'Cinderella,' and it was by that name she was called until the day she left the manor for good.
That's what the storybooks tell you. Axel will tell you differently.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a poor scullery maid named Ella. Her golden locks were hid away beneath a cloth; her dainty feet were bare; and her slender fingers were always red and rough from the lye with which she washed her stepmother's floors.
Everyone in the world thought Princess Ella was the most beautiful person. Everyone except Axel. Who cared about those soft curls, and those soft blue eyes? They had no bite. They had no wickedness.
Cinderella is boring.
"I found them at the bottom of a hole in Wonderland. Who wears white gloves? They'll get dirty and bloody eventually. People are stupid if they think these are good for anything."
It's a favorite pastime of Axel's to sit and plot the downfall of everyone around him. He's capable…oh, is he capable. It's entertaining to watch people trip all over themselves in a rush to do what he wants; especially when he's never said a word about it.
He's better than a puppeteer; he doesn't need strings. He likens himself to a ventriloquist; they're all saying what he wants, doing what he wants, and they don't realize they're just dummies providing amusement. They'll never get out of those holes they've dug, because they're all starting with the wrong objective. No one's ever thought to stop blaming everyone else.
He doesn't bother with the higher-ups, because if they get their heads on straight, they might solve the equation for him.
Then he'll start on them.
And beside the gloves, there is an empty spool of thread.
Axel likes to think that someone will figure him out, sooner or later. It's a plain truth that most people don't like reaching through fire; Axel is practically made of fire, so if anyone ever wants to find out what he is, they're going to have to brave the firestorm and hope to whatever keeps them sane that the chaos behind the flames is worth it.
He was sure Roxas would, but he never got to ask. Roxas didn't like to talk about stuff like that unless he was prompted, though. He was the only one in the whole Organization who had a heart – had a chance at a true existence – and for such a hopeful case, he sure was a melancholy little bugger. The proverbial rain on the Organization's parade.
But he was the puppeteer; he held the strings; he had the Keyblade. Everyone had to cater to him, or else they'd have to do things the hard way.
Algebra is all about shortcuts.
"Sally can take herself apart and sew herself together. It's…interesting. If we fell apart, we'd just disappear. Once she even threw herself out the window to see Jack."
Axel has a weakness, and it starts with R.
Roxas, of course, is the weakness. Roxas is the weakness, with his sharp blue eyes and his hair which is the same color as Princess Ella's (but isn't so disgustingly feminine) and his cruel mouth. That mouth is cruel because no matter what it's doing – whether it be scowling, smiling, or speaking words which would hurt, had Axel a heart – it belongs to the only being Axel might answer to if it wouldn't ruin some other scheme.
R-O-X-A-S. Axel has it committed to memory. He could never forget.
There are other objects in the traveling case; an empty bottle of rum, a piece of coconut shell, a clamshell, a broken urn, a crystal vase, a red jewel, a dragon figurine, a few sea-salt ice cream sticks (sans ice cream), and an old, dusty trophy which declares the receiver to be 11th place.
Being forgotten is like losing and failing at the same time. Congratulations, you aren't important enough to memorize. Try again next life.
"These are things I thought were strange and pointless. I tried to get something from every world; you're not the only one who sees what's going on here, Axel. If Sally can stitch her arm back on, and Belle can cry when her crystal vase gets lost, then what we're doing here is pointless. I bet Sora knows how to solve the problem."
Axel should've gone with him. Should've stopped him. He just…wanted to try it. Wanted to know.
He once heard someone say that if you love someone, you should let him go. And then there was something about a bird flying, or…well, it was all metaphorical; very poetic. And kind of stupid-sounding. But Axel wanted to try it. He didn't know what love was; but maybe emotion was like life. One doesn't need a heart to live; maybe that goes for emotions too. The equation maybe wasn't necessary.
He wanted that to be true, at any rate.
But now, Axel is only consumed by this obsession…it doesn't hurt. Not really. It…itches, really; it's like one of those traveling itches. It doesn't really go away. He wants Roxas back; he wants to give back the only present he ever got. He doesn't want it now.
Wendy, by the way, is stupid.
"Before I leave, I want to give you a present."
Axel leaned back on his elbows and looked at Roxas. Because of his position, Axel saw Roxas upside-down; it was strange and a bit amusing. "What present?"
"Something I picked up in Neverland. Wendy gave one to Peter. I wanted to give one to you."
He straightened and stretched, picking himself up off the floor behind the panel belonging to the Key of Destiny. "Are you suggesting I'm a fairy?"
Roxas rolled his eyes. "If you're suggesting I'm a girl."
Axel folded his arms and raised an eyebrow, watching Roxas dither for a moment. For once, Roxas looked completely unsure of himself. It was entertaining, but Axel had never been very patient. "Well? What is it?"
Roxas closed his eyes and pulled himself flush against Axel. He fisted a tuft of red hair and yanked Axel's face toward his own; when he opened his eyes, the blue was vivid and delicious-looking. In that moment, Axel was out of control, but he didn't realize how much this would affect the rest of his existence. So he didn't move.
"They called it a thimble."
When Roxas first came to the castle, Axel was probably the only one who didn't view him as some sort of god. He was just a brat; an angsty teenager, with nothing to him except those giant keys and a wicked pair of eyes. Those eyes, according to most Nobodies, could've belonged to the devil at some point.
If you ask Axel, he'll tell you they always have.
Axel doesn't want Roxas' thimble; that's only one variable.
Axel's never been one to make sacrifices. Why give things up when you can get what you want another way?
He's never been one to make sacrifices…but he's making this one.
Axel wants the answer to the equation. But he won't find it; not now.
Burn, baby.