Title: Urahara's Delivery Service!

Pairing: IchiHichi, possible GrimmUlqui

Rating: T (will definitely rise later on)

Disclaimer: I don't own BLEACH™, or the monsters mentioned here, they're from ancient legends and myths, but I do own the plot!

Summary: AU. HichiIchi. There was an albino, ex-prostitute, two demons and a crazy shopkeeper. Oh…and let's not forget the hoard of Hollows and carnivorous trees.

Chapter Summary: Ulquiorra and Grimmjow go to get the Sephirothic fruit, located in the eighth ring of the Underworld and Urahara is up to something.

Q&A:

Q1: Did Ichigo get raped?

A1: Errr, it's gonna be part of an omake that I'm gonna slot in between chapters (every fifth one I'm thinking), but yes, when he first started out whoring he was raped. But that doesn't mean he's gonna be all broken and angsty, Ichi's a strong guy so he's just suspicious round people (not that I blame him).

Q2: Is Aizen going to be playing god and trying to take over the world(s) at any point in this story?

A2: Nope. Aizen is going to be the guy that helps both the bad and good guys. He strikes me as the person who'll egg both sides on, sit back, and laugh as they try to blow each other up. More will be explained about Aizen's role later on (possibly in an Omake that I'm planning to do every five chapters) and who the main bad guy is. :D You'll be surprised.

Q3: Are we gonna learn about Shiro's Zanpaktou?

A3: It's a vital secret at the moment, since it plays a semi-important role later on in the plot. But don't worry, you'll find out about it soon.

Reviews:

Drop of the Sweetest Poison: I was thinking of something original to write for this and I'm glad I succeeded!

Twiliblossom: Yeah, Shiro's Zanpaktou was brought up by another reader in the last review reply. At the moment, it's a secret, mainly because I'm having some bugs to work out with the plot relating to it since it plays a minor role, until then, no one knows how it looks like :D Ichigo's training session is going to be a little…er… idiosyncratic to say the least. ¬.¬ Urahara is going to have fun. And as for Aizen :D I love him too much to turn him into the bad guy and get killed.

myloveiskyo: Thanks! I'm already feeling better, meaning more updates (hopefully).

Invader-Nehima: Sephy is GOD (Drools) I'm trying to resist the temptation of dumping him in here as a cameo appearance…but I don't have a role for him TT.TT perhaps another time. Sneaking on the computer is a pain, 'cause I'm extremely paranoid thinking my parents are gonna swoop down on me at any given minute.

Kyra: Windwood: There's gonna be planty more macho bickering between Shiro and Grimmy later on :D

Breathing in Shadows: Thank you! Sorry for the slow update, but I try as hard as I can!

Nakimochiku: Thankies, Naki-sama! Hm, that means Grimmy paid…barely one pound XD Oh well, at least the prices later on will be accurate. I noticed Ichi's shortness near the end of the Soul Society Arc, when Zangetsu was taller, Kenpachi was taller, Ganju was taller, Chad was taller, Hichi was taller (it's true!), Byakuya was taller, everyone was taller then poor Ichi! X3 Pretty adorable now that I think about it.

fendstrat.chick: Shiro prob'ly wanted to do more then that :3

Meng-4-2: I'm too lazy to PM everyone so I answer their reviews in the author notes (which make them unbearably long XD). I like it when authors answer to my reviews, so I though everyone else would like their reviews answered too as well. After all, I'm not writing this out for myself, but for all the people who read it, so I gotta make them happy, ne? :) I'm glad you appreciate the effort!

Xx Trinity xX: Here's to hoping that you'll like this one too!

Astrolita Karastase: I was gonna make Ulqui neutral to Ichi like he's neutral to Shiro (the two get along fine). And Grimmy is definitely gonna be er…not 'chummy' with Ichi, but a lot nicer to him then Shiro. Jealousy…hmm…that could be a pretty good chapter actually…thanks for the plot bunny!

Metamorcy: Pixie sticks make me high. But that's probably because I accidentally inhale it XP I just love writing the interaction between Grimmjow and Shiro since it's a respectful hate relationship. They'll work together but it doesn't mean they'll make it easy for each other (in other words, they make it ten times more complicated then it should be, a simple delivery that would take five minutes would suddenly take two hours XD). And Aizen has a semi-important role later on, but not until past chapter fifteen at least. I was gonna stick pixie dust but I thought pixie sticks would be funnier instead XD Glad you like it!

SendMoreParamedics: Ichigo is gonna be playing hard to get quite a lot (much to Shiro's despair). I've got amusing plans for him, ufufuffufufuuu!

Htaed is Death backwards: I've found the site now! It's…wait, fanfiction won't let you post up html addresses will they? Uh, take out the spaces and turn the (dot) into .

h t t p : / / w w w (dot)

hollow kenpachi 13 : Glad you liked the last chapter, I personally thought it dragged too much. Hopefully this one is much better!

Riceball 101: Ichi is a midget. It's funny and adorable to think about. Hahaha! Glad you liked the chapter!

A/N: You know, I'm starting to think this would be a pretty good RPG. Going into different 'Dungeons', battling numerous monsters as you make deliveries...I can just imagine there being a ranking system that allows you to gain more Deliveries (missions), with each successful one…

Would anyone play a game like that? I would (but my opinion in slightly biased).

Anyway, that aside, I hope the Q&A has cleared up some things for my wonderful readers!

I'm not sure I have Yoruichi in character for this since, well, I haven't written her that much . Tell me if she's OOC please so I can fix it for later chappies.

Well, enough of my blabbering, get ready for the fourth instalment!

(P.S. This should've been out months ago! Sorry, but damn, my notes had vanished!)

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"Ahhh…the perfect disguise. No one will ever suspect Mandy! …Except for Mandy of course."

-- Junior, Grim Adventures

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URAHARA'S DELIVERY SERVICE 004: FOXTROT

"Kisuke!"

Urahara made a small snorting noise, head snapping up and looking round the shop for the owner of the male's voice. After a few confused minutes, his mercurial grey eyes snagged on a black cat sitting calmly before him, golden eyes narrowed in amusement. "Oh! Yoruichi! How was Africa?"

Yoruichi smirked, or, as well as a cat can smirk. "You were sleeping."

"Ah…" Looking up past the brim of his green striped hat to the ceiling in an innocent look, Urahara smiled mysteriously. "I was thinking."

Yoruichi deadpanned. "Right. Well, to answer your question, Africa was fine. The Nundu breath has been delivered safely and we have secured another subscription."

"Good!" All accusations of him sleeping in the middle of his shop forgotten, the blond man snapped his fan open in a buoyant fashion. "That's my favourite Cait Sidhe!" (1)

Yoruichi snorted. "I passed Ulquiorra on the way here. We have a new member?"

"Yep. He's so cute too, Masshiro-chan is training him," The blond ex-Shinigami tapped the wooden floor with his cane. "Down in my secret training facility."

The black cat yawned, tail flicking side to side. "So Shiro-kun finally has a partner, eh?" Trailing round Urahara's sitting form, Yoruichi continued. "Kurosaki Ichigo, was it?"

Urahara's smile turned into a full blown grin. "Why yes, uncanny isn't it?" Pushing himself into standing position, the blond man tapped the wooden floor once more, snapping his fan shut and tucking it into his green haori. "To find an ordinary human with the name Kurosaki?"

Yoruichi eyed the grinning ex-Shinigami with faint amusement. "Do I want to know what you're planning?"

"Planning?" Urahara's grin turned into a devilishly innocent one. "Why, Yoruichi, I don't believe I'm planning anything at all!"

X.x.X

The surrounding oblivion groaned echoingly, the only sources of light was the twelve candelabra embedded in the tree's withered bark, gold tarnished by age and the constant spray of acidic blood oozing from the tree's cracked bark. The demonic shrine was eerily silent, the hollow walls held up by insubstantial whispers and fragile shell of perfect balanced energy.

"This place is as depressing as usual." Grimmjow remarked, boots scuffing the dusty flagstones and echoing in the empty shrine. The teal haired demon looked up from the foot of the tree, grimacing when droplets of blood spattered on his cheek. Swiping the burning liquid away, his skin already healing the burns, Grimmjow turned to his silent companion. "I don't see any Sephirothic Fruit."

Ulquiorra frowned, verdant eyes snapping to each crackling candelabra. "It is unknown where the Sephirothic Fruit is found on the tree…" The demon murmured, stepping beside his partner. "Perhaps there is something needed to be done."

Grimmjow snorted, looking over the tree once more. "What? Do we need to offer a virgin sacrifice? Pray? Do a fuckin' rain dance?" The demon kicked the bark harshly, the wood splintering and depositing a pool of blood at their feet. Grimmjow hummed thoughtfully. "Crack it open?"

"Must everything you do revolve around mindless destruction, Grimmjow?" Ulquiorra asked with faint distaste. At the teal haired demon's answering scoff, Ulquiorra returned to searching for the Sephirothic Fruit. "The candelabra are all lit."

"And?" Grimmjow grumbled, feeling a little disappointed. Where was the fabled guardian of this place?

"All of the candelabra are never to be lit at the same time."

There was a brief silence, then in unison, the two demons pivoted on their heel and looked up.

There was a thunderous roar, the candelabras' flames flickering dangerously as the hollowed walls shattered, the thin shards skittering across the dusty flagstones. The shadowed figure, camouflaged against the pitch black ceiling unfurled from its position, twisting in midair and landing heavily before the two demons.

Grimmjow whistled. "Classy."

"PATHETIC DEMON TRAITORS!" The monster roared, its golden, skeletal head raising up to pin the two unconcerned demons with its hellish white gaze. "YOU DARE ENTER THE SANCTUARY OF OBLIVION!?" Bone wings snapped out, thin membrane tearing at the sudden motion, and flapped once, an airless wind swirling the dust restlessly. "WHAT IS YOUR LAST REQUEST!?"

"Me?" Grimmjow's lips curled up in a maniacal grin, feeling his blood stir at the challenge. "Yeah, I've got one. Don't you have an indoor voice? You're making me deaf here."

"Hmph." Ulquiorra turned away from the golden skeletal monster, its large form easily overshadowing them, most of his interest on the Sephiroth tree. "I do not need to waste my time with trash like you."

The guardian howled in rage, tearing at the flagstones with wicked, curved claws. "INSOLENCE! I, HAMON, GUARDIAN OF OBLIVION, WILL DEVOUR YOU WHOLE!" Steam trailed from the holes acting as nostrils, white hellish orbs narrowing. "PREPARE YOURSELVES, DEMONS, FOR YOU SHALL REJOIN WITH NOTHINGNESS ONCE MORE!"

Grimmjow growled. "Don't you ever shut up!? C'mon! Stop your yammering and fight already!"

Ulquiorra turned round once more. "We need to defeat this trash for the fruit to appear before us." The green eyed demon glanced at the furiously hissing guardian. "Let us do it quickly before oblivion decides to reform the walls. It may seal up the portal."

"Heheh…" Grimmjow cracked his knuckles, cyan eyes glittering madly. "Quickly, eh? Just give me two minutes."

Hamon roared and lunged.

X.x.X

"Break!"

Ichigo immediately sagged, collapsing face first on the dusty ground with a breathless 'thank you' on his lips. He felt Tensa Zangetsu's coarse hilt rub uncomfortably at his fingers, the pads not quite used to the roughness yet. "I'm…t-t…tired…" He panted, feeling his clothes – a quick throw on of a white t-shirt and jogging trousers – clinging to his flushed skin with sweat.

Shiro crouched before the fatigued redhead, pouring half of the sports bottle's water on the twenty year old's head. He grinned as Ichigo spluttered indignantly and flailed, snatching the bottle from his pale hand and chugging the remaining water down greedily. "Thirsty too!" The albino exclaimed, leaning back on his heel as the redhead dropped the empty bottle with a sigh. "Y'know…you've got pretty good endurance! Two an' a half of constant trainin'…an' without rest…I'm impressed, kid."

"If you're so impressed…" Ichigo growled hoarsely, pulling Tensa Zangetsu across his lap. "Why'd you keep calling me 'kid'?"

"'Cause ya still a kid." Shiro laughed. "I said ya had 'lot of endurance. Yer technique sucks an' is better suited t' a butcher…but nothin' a few weeks of trainin' won' accomplish."

Ichigo, whose face had twisted into a sour grimace at the butcher comment, eyed the albino warily. "You sound too happy."

"'Ey!" Shiro pushed himself to his feet, holding out a hand for the twenty year old. "I hafta put up wit' Gayjaw every day (nearly), I need some outlet, eh?" He grunted when Ichigo slapped his hand sharply before taking it, a pale eyebrow arching. "An' it's better me then th' crackhead."

Ichigo brushed his hand against his dirtied t-shirt. "What's wrong with Urahara-san?"

Shiro unconsciously shuddered.

"GAAAAH!! YA CRAZY HOMO!! WHAT TH' HELL ARE YA DOIN'!?"

"Run faster, Masshiro-chaaaan! I'm catching uuuup!" Swing!

"KEEP THA' SWORD AWAY FROM ME!!"

The albino shook his head to clear those memories from his mind and waved a hand. "E's a lot more…uh, strict."

Ichigo couldn't quite see it.

X.x.X

"HELL CRUSH!"

Grimmjow grunted at the shockwave from the energy blast, raising his arms up to shield his eyes from the minute shards of glass and sand as Hamon surged through the scattering debris and swiped at the distracted demon with clawed hands. With a soft, irritated hiss, Grimmjow easily ducked under the attack and rolled backwards, not stupid enough to try and punch through the guardian's plated bones. It wouldn't do anything. "Where's this bitch's weak point, dammit!?"

"I thought you said two minutes, Grimmjow." Ulquiorra called from his place hovering ten feet from the chaos happening on the floor. If the teal haired demon didn't know any better, he'd have thought that his partner was mocking him. "It has been six."

"Shut up, I'm working! I thought that gem in his chest was a weak point." Turned out it was an ornament. A huge fucking skeleton guardian with no detectable weak point, where's the fun in that? Wait... "Ah well, least it's a challenge at last!" Grimmjow avoided another attack, arching his fist back and smashing it at Hamon's left clavicle. A hairline crack appeared and Grimmjow felt a surge of victory…until Hamon pulled a fast one on him.

He wasn't quite sure what happened, but one minute the guardian was screaming then Grimmjow was flat on his back, ears ringing and the pitch black ceiling dipping and swirling sickeningly as rubble scattered around him. He heard a muted noise, a shriek of high pitched slash, as he pushed himself up, one hand rubbing gingerly at his fragmented jaw mask. "The Hell?" He groaned, blinking cyan eyes at the carnage before him.

Ulquiorra had finally decided to join in; batting away another 'Hell Crush' with a hand, nimbly weaving around the enraged Hamon's attacks…a Hamon whose gold plated bones were…melting?

There was a crevice leading from the centre of the room to Grimmjow's position, bubbling slag hissing at the edges. The teal haired demon grunted as he jumped to his feet, shaking his head clear of that irritating ringing noise and checking that everything was intact. Once assured, Grimmjow's attention was drawn once more to Hamon and Ulquiorra's battle, a scowl tugging at his mouth.

It was supposed to be his battle…

Hamon shrieked again, its right arm completely falling off as the arm's joint popped out of its socket, the golden appendage liquefying into a bubbling puddle of goo. Ulquiorra capitalized on the guardian's distraction and aimed a Cero at the golden skull, the energy beam smashing into its forehead and shattering the back of Hamon's skull.

Grimmjow growled, sonidoing beside his companion as the rest of Hamon's body melted mysteriously. "Hey! This was my fight!" The teal haired demon snarled, pointing angrily at the puddle that once was his opponent. "Who said you could butt in!?"

"You got caught in its Omnipotence, Grimmjow." Ulquiorra murmured, verdant eyes staring emotionlessly at his irate partner. "And I believed that we wasted enough time with that trash long enough."

Grimmjow was not placated and jabbed his finger once more in the direction of the puddle. "How the Hell did he melt!?"

"I am not sure." Ulquiorra admitted. "But it is not important right now, look." The green eyed demon jerked his head sideways, the hollow walls already reforming. "Oblivion is restoring its shrine. We must collect the fruit before the portal closes."

Grimmjow huffed, turning back to the tree with a low growl. "Tch. Perfectly good challenge wasted." He raked over the tree, brows furrowing when the candelabras' flames all died out, one by one. "What's happening now!?"

Ulquiorra's eyes narrowed when the ground rumbled, the pitch black ceiling bleaching white as the centre of the tree's trunk opened up. "The Sephirothic Fruit."

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A/N: There was supposed to be more in this chappie, but I've lost most of my shit regarding this, so I was all, daaaaamn, what was I supposed to write!? So, therefore, it'll have to be continued next time as I kept it on Hiatus for too long. Sorry for the delay.

Next chappie is an Omake, as I've decided to make one every five chappies. That'll come out quicker and hopefully I'll have found my notes by then…

Once again, I am so sorry for the delay!