Disclaimer:All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for).

AN: This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!

(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…it's not an environment friendly lawn mower...it's a goat...now take it back where you found it)

STAKEOUT VI : Ocean's Three

23.00

"You were the one who hired a stripper to crash into a room at 1PP, not me"

Logan turned in his seat "But it was you who told her the meeting was in Room 6, Bobby. When it was actually in Room 9"

"It was in 6 and yesterday I found out what went wrong. Building maintenance put new numbers on the doors. There was a mix up"

"Oh great. Erica the E Cup Exhibitionist shook her booty at Chief of Police and the Mayor because some dumbass got the room numbers wrong"

"Not wrong" said Goren "Upside down. The guy has dyscalculia. It's like dyslexia only with numbers. A learning disability"

"He'll be on permanent disability if I get hold of him" growled Logan "I had plans for this week..."

"With Erica?" enquired Goren mildly.

"No her sister. Connie the C Cup Contortionist"

"C is plenty big enough"

"You think?" mused Logan "Anyway I was just joking, but I did have better things to do than spend three nights on stakeout with you two"

"It's him I feel sorry for" Bobby gestured out of the window into the darkness.

"Yeah" conceded Mike "Never got his birthday surprise, but I don't see why he got punished. He knew nothing about it until it was all over"

"His mistake was saying he was sorry he missed it and did the Chief get a note of Erica's number"

The rear door opened and Danny Ross jumped in.

"Beat you both" he announced with some jubilation.

"Hope you marked the wall with the chalk boss" said Logan "Only it's a warm night"

Midnight

"They stopped you being an altar boy because of that?" asked Ross incredulously.

"Well I had snuck into the confessional and it was during Catechism classes" shrugged Goren

Logan snorted with laughter "I don't suppose you would get it boss, not being a Catholic I mean"

"Don't be too sure Mike. When my Mom caught me doing it..."

"Every boy's Mom catches him" said Goren and Logan in unison.

"I didn't tell you the rest" Ross went on "One time I was in the pool house at my Aunt Dora's house. Mom comes in, sees what I'm doing and yells...enough already that you are doing this Danny, but on Shabbat and when we're sitting shiva for your Uncle Manny?"

The other two laughed at their Captain's impression of an outraged Jewish mother.

"Logan? Your turn" said Goren.

"Fourteen and sent to wait in the Principal's office I got kind of bored"

"Props for location" acknowledged Goren "Was it the Principal who found you?"

"No the janitor"

"What did he say?" frowned Ross.

"Dunno" replied Logan "I ran like hell and so would you if you knew the weird janitor at my High School"

01.09

"Kermit The Frog?" scoffed Goren.

"What's wrong with that?" shrugged Mike "You're just pissed you didn't get it Bobby"

"Maybe but who would? When you said yes to...are you a reptile?"

"I didn't"

"Yes you did. I know because I asked that question" muttered Ross from the back.

"And a frog is an amphibian not a reptile" Goren added.

Logan was unrepentant "Want another game?"

"No" said the other two in petulant unison.

01.45

"A seventy five Cutluss is not all that special boss" said Goren.

"No it isn't" agreed Danny Ross "But you were never in the back seat with Sandy Schneider. If I said Harley, tailpipe and chrome?"

"Aaaaaah" said the other two slowly, understanding immediately one of Ms Schneider's attributes.

"Bobby?"

"A Bentley Continental"

"Wow" said Mike "How did you swing that?"

"She worked for a car dealership" he laughed softly "And what's more the car was in the showroom window on Fifth Avenue. One New Year's Eve"

"Not sure I can beat that for location but..." Mike grinned "The hood of a ninety six Lamborghini Diablo?"

"Makes me...just thinking about it" purred Ross.

"So I win?"

"Not so fast" said Goren "Was the hood still hot from the engine?"

"It was by the time we were done"

"You never said where Mike"

"No boss" he paused "It was in the vehicle impound yard..."

"Our one?" squawked Ross "At 1PP?"

"No of course not. Staten Island"

"Oh that's okay then" Ross sighed with relief.

02.13

Ross opened the large box next to him.

"Wow! I mean like sheesh" he exploded "This isn't stakeout snacks...it's a veritable feast"

"One of the few things which make a stakeout bearable" said Logan "Bobby's picnic"

Ross quit rummaging "Boy you even did kosher. Bobby I'm really impressed"

Goren said nothing. He'd never received that sort of praise for the number of killers, robbers, kidnappers and all round fiends he'd brought to book since Ross took over as Captain.

"How did you get so good at this?" asked Ross.

"I've had a lot of practice in the last couple of years...sir" Goren muttered.

It went kind of quiet in the back for a while.

03.00

"Huh? W...w...what?"

Goren woke suddenly from his snooze.

"Breast or leg?" asked Ross.

"What's? Who?"

He was fuddled but sure something must be happening.

"Breast or leg?" insisted the Captain.

"Leg if it's not too thick, breast if it's firm" Goren replied gathering some of his wits.

"Hardly unique there then" observed Logan "But if you could only pick one?"

Goren thought a moment "Leg. So long as there's onion gravy"

Ross laughed "We were not discussing turkey at Thanksgiving Bobby"

"Oh...um...I see...let me think about that..."

"You're not supposed to think about it Bobby" complained Mike "Come on? What's the first thing about a woman you look at?"

"Her ass"

03.35

Goren sounded exasperated "Mike...you have to go with Unitas"

In his heart Logan knew Bobby was right. They had agreed four on their list of five greatest they ever saw, with no trouble. Montana, Elway, Marino and Young. But Ross had put up a good argument for Bart Starr and had something else in his favour...the final say on the leave roster.

"Let me take some time on that. Meanwhile, let's move on to the current era. I take it everyone is happy with Tom Brady?"

"Yes" said Ross and Goren in tandem.

"Rothlesberger?" suggested Ross.

"Agreed" said Bobby as Mike made a third check mark by that name.

"We have to consider Drew Brees" said Ross.

"I'm not so sure" said Goren "The name has never convinced me"

"How do you mean?" asked Ross.

"With a name like Brees would you let your kid be known as Drew? It's like Mr & Mrs Wind calling their son Passing"

The other two sniggered before Goren spoke again "How about Tony Romo?"

"I think he and Brees are dependent on what we decide about the Manning boys" mused Ross "Are we going to allow both?"

"Peyton would have to be in" muttered Logan "Though he scores nothing for looks in my book...boy was he hit hard with the ugly stick...and more than once...on the other hand Eli...is not a bad..."

He trailed off conscious of Goren shifting subtly to the far side of the vehicle and Ross' startled expression.

04.35

"Yeah" said Goren quietly "Once. She was smart, we were a great team and she had cute face with the kind of dark eyes a man could drown in"

"Was this in the Army?" asked Ross.

"Uhuh. Germany. Soon as I saw her I knew we were meant to be together. We had some...some wonderful times. We used to walk for hours in the pine forests. Spent every night together for almost a year. I fell in love with Mandy and I know she loved me"

Danny and Mike gave each other a glance. Neither had expected the topic of "Partners I Slept With" to result in this kind of emotional and wistful revelation from Goren.

"She had a look...you know...the kind that just tells you she wants to play around. Used to tire me out, still be wanting more and some mornings I would wake up to find her under the covers licking..."

"What happened?" asked Mike quickly.

"I got posted Stateside" Goren sighed "Took me a long time to get over Mandy"

"You never saw her again?"

"No. She went into the sniffer dog breeding programme. Had three or four litters...aaargh...shit that hurt" he rubbed the back of his head.

"Made me feel a lot better" muttered Ross tossing a rolled up copy of Sports Illustrated onto the seat beside him.

05.15

The rear door opened and Ross got out into the light of the rising sun.

"Just off to see if I can improve on my lead" he said cheerfully "Strange...I thought you two would be better opposition"

As he headed in the direction of the wall Goren turned to Logan.

"Mike? You are holding back aren't you? To let him win?"

"Of course"

"That's okay then...only I did wonder if maybe you..."

"Nah everything's just fine thanks Bobby" grinned Logan "I may not know the difference between a reptile and an amphibian, but I do know I don't want to be back on stakeout duty next week"

"Me neither. I've got Subway Series tickets"

AN: The goat is gone...but...can anyone offer a good home to three sheep?