Disclaimer: I know that you know that I know that you know that God knows that you know that I know that Richard Nixon knows that I know I don't own it.

A/N: ;) Because I really just can't help myself… How I hate satire! (haha) And also, cookies to anyone who gets some of the satirical things I sneak in here that people say expressing my opinions… Forget the sheashells by the seashore. Say THAT five times fast.

"But I still don't get it," said Jessica to Edward. "How did you guys have Ness…"

"Jessica!" Esme shouted, not wanting a repeat of the seamonster incident.

"I mean Renesmee…'

Edward cleared his throat. "Well, you see, I'm an incubator."

"Incubus, Edward," corrected Carlisle.

"Whatever."

"Oh Jessica," called Mike. "I got Emmett to play some baby makin' music. Let's get this party started!" He had his shirt off and was lassoing it above his head, gyrating his hips in a grotesque, vomit-inducing manner.

"Ugh," Jessica said. "He still wants me to bear his child."

"But you should," said Bella (AKA Mary Sue). "Because that is what a woman does! She marries her man and then she has his children. It is the recipe for happiness. Here," she pulls out the glowing, all-powerful Manual to Life, and tosses it to Jess. "Page forty-nine."

Jess flips through to page forty-nine. "Ah hah. Now I see. I shall now revert back to seventeenth century doctrines and become Mike's doting housewife. I have seen the light!"

She runs to his naked body, and they scurry off to the corner to do unmentionable things. Across the room, Edward and Bella (AKA Mary Sue) are doing the same.

"People!" screamed Leah. "Since my character was extensively developed only to be thrown away, I have taken a job as a sexaholic anonymous leader. Bella. Edward. Come here."

"OME!" cries Bella (AKA Mary Sue), caught in the throes of passion.

"OMB!" he responds.

"OME!"

OMB!"

"OME!"

FOUR DAYS LATER

"OMB."

"OME."

"OMB."

OME."

"OMC!" Edward says.

"Carlisle!" Bella (AKA Mary Sue) shouts, outraged.

"Carlisle!!" Carlisle exclaims.

Bella removes herself from Edward's lap. "That's it. Too much slash for you." Suddenly, she looked mortified. "Oops. I just had an opinion. I mean… I…I… I love Carlisle!"

Somberly, putting their clothes back on, they make their way over to the couch and sit.

"Now, the SA meeting is adjourned," says Leah. "Bella, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"I love yourself."

"Ugh," Leah shouts. "Edward?"

"Honestly Leah! I've been repressing my libido for a century! What did you expect?"

"For you to be true to your character and think about things other than s--"

"Shhh!" the entire room said at once. "We don't use that word. Ever! Never, never, never!!"

Leah threw her hands up in the air. "F this. I'm moving to Harry Potter. I'll make JK write me into her story. At least then I don't have to deal with this imprinting hullabaloo, and I can have babies, which, by the way," she shot an acid glare at Bella (AKA Mary Sue), "will not bear my mother's name in any form."

"I love form."

All of a sudden, after Leah has busted her way into the Harry Potter lounge, J. Jenkins walks in the room.

"Why are you here?" asks Bella in a strange moment of unMarySueness.

"No reason," says J. "Ah, Mr. Jasper!"

Jasper turns around. "Jennifer! It's been too long!"

J. (ennifer) Jenkins turns as red as Bella would were she still a human being. "Nobody knows that!" he hissed.

"Yes, well, that's what you get when the Meyer," everyone bowed their heads, "doesn't specify your first name." Jasper smiled maniacally.

Jennifer Jenkins runs after Leah to try and beg JK Rowling to make him a wizard.

"Good riddance," Jasper mumbled. "He didn't have a purpose anyway."

Edward and Bella (AKA Mary Sue) are back to doing it on the floor. Renesmee, with nowhere to go, is scarred for life. She runs to Jacob.

"Hey sweetie!" Jacob said, hiding the razor blades behind his back. "Come to your future husband! Come on! Come on!" He held out his hands for her.

Nessie stood up on both legs, put her hands on her hips, and looked Jacob square in the eye. "I might be four weeks old," she said with perfect articulation, "but I am not a baby!"

Jacob fell back, stunned. "Then I'm not a pedophile! Hooray!"