He was 15 when it all started.
It was a secret Renji never breathed to anyone, not even to his closest friends. It wasn't anybody's business but his own, and he didn't want to be judged by it. Renji was fully aware that he was a strange person and was very lucky to have found friends who didn't mind his oddness. He didn't want to push his luck.
But somehow, Renji found the realisation - that he preferred boys over girls - comforting. There was no denial after the initial shock, and no confusion. He just accepted it as it was. Perhaps it even pleased him, to a certain extent, that he was different in this respect. But he wasn't going to let anyone know, particularly not after Niou mentioned something on this topic once and everyone wrinkled their noses in disgust. Any faint hope that he had harboured about his friends being accepting evaporated and he found himself laughing along with them, a bit nervously.
Renji was 16 when he realised he liked Genichirou. At 20, he was still a virgin, attending university, and Genichirou began a very serious relationship with a young woman. Renji hated her. She wasn't pretty or clever, cared nothing about Japanese arts or history, had a voice that grated on his nerves and the mission of her entire existence was to occupy Genichirou's time. Renji told Seiichi this, in a far more respectful manner than he thought she deserved. It was the sixth consecutive weekend that Genichirou turned down meeting up because of her.
"I don't think much of her. Genichirou could probably do better," said Seiichi as he nibbled on a rice cracker.
Renji tried to keep quiet. It seemed like talking about it wasn't helping, all it did was dig up the anger that had been suppressed.
"I almost never see him these days."
"I call him every week. This is the sixth week," Renji said quietly. His voice could have been shaking, because Seiichi sat up a bit and frowned.
"That's ridiculous." Pulling out the phone from his pocket, Seiichi made the call before Renji could stop him. "Genichirou, get your fat ass to my place right now ... What? Where are you? ... No you're not busy. Just come- ... Don't argue with me you fucker ... Well that's what you are! ... Yes you're a girl-obsessed fucker who doesn't know the rest of the world still exists, and Renji and I are going to stop caring from this point on and you can go fuck yourself!"
Renji stared silently as Seiichi hung up in a huff and tossed the phone across the carpet. It bounced several times, like a stone skimming across water. "One day he's going to turn around and realise the world's moved on without him and he can come begging to us. Sorry I dragged you into this, but he really pissed me off... Renji?"
"Oh I... am just surprised by your swearing," Renji managed to say, his tight fists pressing into the top of his thighs.
"He deserves it." Both of them started when Renji's phone rang. "Could be him."
After a bit of hesitation Renji took the call. "Hello?"
"What was Seiichi barking on about?"
Renji nodded at Seiichi, letting him know it was indeed Genichirou who called. Seiichi crossed his arms and leaned back against the side of his bed, his face one of pure disapproval.
The anger stirred again. "Is that how you greet someone you have not talked to for many weeks?"
Genichirou was silent, perhaps at a loss for words. Renji cut the call, then switched the phone off.
It was after he put the phone down that he started trembling, that Seiichi sat up, studied him, and walked over on his knees. It was then that Renji broke, and confessed in a choked voice that he liked Genichirou, had liked him for as long as he could remember, and a shocked Seiichi held him, with nothing to say except "I'm so sorry."
The day after that, Seiichi called to apologise for anything he might have said in the past that was hurtful. Renji said he had never done such a thing. That time in the locker room when everyone laughed over Niou's gay joke was vivid in his mind, and it still made him feel a bit raw on the inside, but they were young and clueless and Renji forgave them. There was no point in bringing it up. The fact that Seiichi was comfortable with it enough to hug him said more than anything else.
For a few weeks afterwards, Renji did not contact anyone. Seiichi sent several emails, and they talked a bit online, but he wanted to give Seiichi time to adjust, and give himself time to recover. He had not realised how much it was affecting him until he felt Seiichi's arms around him and the wavy hair brush against his face.
He didn't ask Seiichi not to tell anyone. He had no explanation for neglecting this important request, other than that he wanted to tempt with fate, for the first time in his life.
Sometimes he thought it might be better if Genichirou knew, at least about his sexuality, then they could politely grow apart and eventually stop being friends. It would just make it all so much easier.
Genichirou called once, but Renji missed it and didn't return the call. Renji convinced himself that if there was anything Genichirou wanted to talk about, then he would ring again.
Then Renji got sick for a week. Seiichi visited and asked him if there was anything he wanted him to do.
Renji only smiled. "I'm fine," he said, even though he knew Seiichi was offering to talk to Genichirou for him.
Genichirou called again, but Renji slept early and missed it. When he woke there was a message for him saying "don't push yourself; get better soon." Out of politeness, Renji replied with a "thank you".
After he got better, he got back into the university routine as soon as he could, with the intention to make himself as busy as he could. In reality, his course was difficult enough to achieve this purpose, but he made sure his weekends were occupied, too.
He even started looking around, and began to notice there were other young men just like him.
Finally, two months after that day, Seiichi asked if they could meet.
"I gave Genichirou a good talking-to," Seiichi said, absently poking at his sundae with the straw, "and finally drew an apology out of him. It was a lot harder than I thought."
"Apologising means acknowledging having been wrong. He doesn't like doing it."
"He said - "
"Did you tell him about me?"
"No."
"That's good." Renji looked down into his milk tea. "I... have been exploring my options and there is someone from university I am considering."
Seiichi's hand paused. "So you're seeing someone?"
"Not exactly. He flirts with me. I am considering."
"Does he interest you?"
Renji thought hard and decided to give an honest answer. "Not particularly. But I believe he is only interested in sleeping with me, which makes things convenient for me as well."
Seiichi stilled completely for a moment before leaning forward, pushing his sundae aside. "Renji. Don't trivialise yourself."
"Perhaps I am being cheap, but-"
"I'm not talking about maintaining a moral high ground. It's just that..." Seiichi sighed. "I think... that's a really bad way to try to get over someone, and you might regret it later."
Renji said nothing. He knew his friend was right.
"Genichirou said she's extremely possessive and insecure. Every time he turns down spending time with her, she throws a fit and even threatens him with self harm," said Seiichi. He held Renji's gaze with his own. "He didn't want us to think badly of her, so he didn't tell us before."
It was a revelation Renji did not expect at all. His eyes widened, but then lowered again. "That does not change anything."
"At least you know why he wasn't talking to you."
"That is some consolation," Renji agreed. "But what I am remains unchanged."
Seiichi shook his head. "Who you are doesn't need changing."
The attempt to soothe only gave rise to irrational anger. What did Seiichi know? "You are not me. Please don't speak like you understand."
The look on Seiichi's face was unapologetic. Without a word, he paid and led the way out of the cafe. Looking around, he took Renji to a deserted side street.
Renji froze in shock when he was kissed on the lips. Neither of them moved, Seiichi held Renji still by the arms as he pressed their lips together, the touch gentle, warm and reassuring.
"You are important, special, and precious. Don't ever think otherwise," Seiichi said when he pulled back. "I am not you, but you are also not me. And I'm telling you now: I don't pity you. I'm not afraid of you. You're important, special and precious to me, and I love you for who you are and I don't care what you are not. I am honoured to be your friend."
It was one of those rare times when the backs of Renji's eyes stung. "You... are trying to make me cry, aren't you?"
Seiichi grinned. "Is it working?"
"No," Renji fought the feeling down and swallowed hard. "That was my first kiss."
"It was?" Seiichi's face said 'oops'. "At least it wasn't with someone who just wants you in bed?"
Somehow, Renji found the energy in him to laugh. That was right. At least it was with someone who genuinely cared about him. "You are a bully."
Seiichi just shrugged and smiled.
Genichirou showed up on a Friday night, unannounced. He buzzed the panel at the entrance to the block of student accommodation Renji was living in. It was the first time he visited since Renji moved in in the beginning of spring. Renji gave one quick look around his pad, decided it was tidy, and let Genichirou in.
"Have you eaten?" Genichirou didn't bother with greetings, as usual. In one hand he had boxes of takeaway sushi. With the other, he removed his baseball cap as he carefully toed his shoes off. Renji helped him with his things so that he would not lose balance and fall over.
"Not yet," Renji said politely, laying out the food on the only surface large enough to eat on, his work desk. "This looks good. Thank you."
Genichirou kicked his shoes aside and followed. His eyes swept over Renji once. "You've lost weight?"
"I eat a balanced diet." Renji gathered up and put aside the calculations he had been working on for a week. "How did you manage to come here?"
"Seiichi said the bus..." Genichirou started, and then realised what Renji meant. "I said there are family things."
The knowledge of Genichirou lying to his girlfriend so that they could meet, pleased Renji. It felt as though they had a secret relationship.
Renji snapped the disposable chopsticks apart. His were perfectly split in the middle, whereas Genichirou broke them at the top, as he always did.
"It's not good to lie," said Renji quietly before helping himself to the food, "especially to your girlfriend."
"I have to, before she takes over my life."
"I'm sorry about being angry with you. Your reasons are perfectly valid."
"No, I probably should've just told you. I messed up."
"You have no obligation to tell me anything," Renji said. "Everyone has secrets."
Genichirou lowered his chopsticks. "Renji?"
Renji looked away.
They spent the night talking about what Genichirou had been doing in the past few months. The more Renji listened about Genichirou and his girlfriend, the more he felt sorry for both his friend, and for the girl, and felt guilty for having said horrible things about her, even though she was making life so hard for Genichirou. His patience was being pushed to the limit. The frustration was showing through white knuckles, tense posture and strained voice.
"You have an incredible amount of patience and tolerance. If I were you, I would have snapped long ago."
Genichirou shook his head. "I can't make myself shout at a woman."
"I see."
Genichirou shifted in his seat. "Enough about her. What's happened to you? You look sick and tired. What have I missed?"
"I'm fine. I simply look like a university student." Renji checked the time. "You should go. The last bus leaves in about ten minutes."
"Wait..." Genichirou looked puzzled as he was practically escorted to the door. "I'll just walk home. Or can I stay over?"
"It's a long way. And it wouldn't be convenient."
"Not convenient..." Genichirou repeated, eyeing his friend suspiciously. Renji could follow that line of thought.
"No, it's not that. I just don't have spare bedding."
Genichirou relented and put on his shoes. At the door, he had one last question.
"Are you still angry with me?"
"I'm not." Renji held the door handle, suddenly overcome by the desire to pour everything out, even though his data said Genichirou would not be accepting. But Genichirou was standing in front of him asking him what was wrong, and somehow Renji just wanted to say 'this is all because of you.' If Genichirou couldn't deal with it, then he was better off losing this friend. He was important and special; he didn't need friends who couldn't accept who he was.
"Renji..."
"I... want to tell you something."
Renji opened the chat window, but closed it after a while without having typed a word. He didn't want to make Seiichi worry. Genichirou's reaction to the revelation that Renji liked men was just as Renji had predicted, and he wanted to handle it on his own, because it was his decision to tell, in the first place.
The blood rushing to his head was starting to make it hurt; the hormones, oxygen and realisation of what he had done were things he wasn't prepared for. He should have kept quiet. It wasn't even that important - he was happy to just continue the way things were. He didn't need his feelings returned. He wasn't important or special and he didn't want to lose this friend. He should have just kept quiet.
It took him four tries before he could get the painkillers to go pass the knot in his throat.
He couldn't remember much of what happened next.
Renji was in a hospital bed with a tube going into his arm when his attention managed to focus again somewhat. His throat burned, his stomach was twisting in pain and he could barely lift his head. The first face he saw was Seiichi's.
"How are you feeling?"
Renji coughed a few times before he could reply. "Why am I here?"
"You haven't eaten enough, you were stressed, took painkillers and then drank beer. Your body didn't like it. They had to flush your stomach out."
"I see..."
"Your family's coming. The doctor said you could probably leave tomorrow after he's spoken to you."
"Okay."
"You scared me, Renji."
"I only took two pills. It was an accident."
"So I've realised later. Genichirou thought you were trying to kill yourself."
Renji tried to laugh, but his throat wouldn't let him, and made him cough instead.
"He said he was on his way home, but changed his mind and doubled back. You weren't answering the door but he heard you retching and making painful noises. He kicked your door down."
"That's excessive." Finding out it was Genichirou who came to his rescue made Renji want to laugh again. "I'll have to pay for the repairs."
"I'm glad he did it." Seiichi shifted, pulling his chair closer, his voice lowering. "There's something... I... when I got here, Genichirou said you told him something, he left, and when he went back he found you like that, and said you probably tried to kill yourself. I got really mad and screamed at him and... I thought... I didn't realise you didn't tell him everything... so he... found out from me. I'm sorry."
Renji didn't have the energy to care right now. He wished he could stay this way and never care anymore. "It doesn't matter."
"I'm very sorry."
"Really, it's fine. Sorry to have made you worry."
Renji's words didn't seem to ease Seiichi's guilt, or the furrow between his brows, but Seiichi just chewed the inside of his lips, and moved on. "I'll call your parents to tell them you've come around. Do you want to talk to Genichirou at all? I sent him out because his pacing was getting on my nerves."
Renji thought about it, then looked away. "Please thank him for me, and tell him it was an accident and I'm very sorry."
"All right."
After a brief stay home to ease his family's worries, Renji returned to his pad near university. The place has been cleaned, the door fixed, and his fridge and cupboards were completely filled with food bought by his friends and family.
He sat down at the foot of the bed, then fell back into it, relishing the first moments of private, quiet time in days. The day was warm, and he dozed off, waking up only when his phone rang. He fumbled for it, answering without checking the caller ID, and regretted it right away.
"You're back in town, Renji?" Genichirou's voice filtered through.
"Yes." Renji rolled onto his side, with the phone between his ear and the mattress.
"Are you free tonight? I think we should talk..."
Renji wondered how long it took his friend to make this call, and to practise saying these words without hesitating too much. "Sorry, I'm busy."
"How about tomorrow? Or whenever you're free?"
"I thought Seiichi told you."
"He... did."
"Then there is nothing to talk about. Even you should know what that means."
"I know what it means; I'm okay with it."
"You really know?"
"Yes."
"Do you?" Renji turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling above. "Genichirou, I think about you when I masturbate. Have you considered that? That's what I do. And are you fine with that?"
He tried to imagine the look on Genichirou's face right now, but there was no data he could draw on.
"Why do you have to talk like that?"
"Because that is the truth. That is what being gay is: a man wanting another man," said Renji. The room suddenly felt cold. "You don't need to be nice to me. Thank you for finding me and sending me to hospital, but... there is nothing you need to do for me anymore."
"Renji..."
"Let me move on. Please."
"Would you have sex with me?"
The glass slipped from Seiichi's hand, but he caught it before it hit the kitchen counter. "Are you serious?"
Renji accepted the glass of water offered to him. "No, I suppose I'm not."
Seiichi studied his friend. "I'd probably need a couple of drinks beforehand, but if you want me to, we could try."
"Am I that repulsive?"
Seiichi rolled his eyes. "I want to hit you very hard right now."
"You're into that sort of thing?" Renji asked, and smiled before Seiichi could growl. "Only joking."
Seiichi shook his head, incredulous. "Why?"
"I don't know." Renji knew why. Seiichi was the only person who ever made him feel treasured. "I just think it's fine if it's you."
He fell silent when Seiichi approached him, took his water away and stood so close he could feel breath brushing over his skin.
"I don't know how far I'll be able to go," Seiichi whispered.
"That's fine..." Renji closed his eyes and let himself be kissed. He was the one to part his lips first, inviting Seiichi to taste him, shivering when he felt warm tongue sliding against his own. He didn't truly know what to do - none of the books he'd read taught him how to kiss well - so he did what seemed right, kissing back carefully, getting bolder when Seiichi whispered against his lips, "that's right."
Hands began to explore, spreading over skin under clothing. Renji turned his head away, squeezing his eyes shut and moaning softly when fingers tentatively brushed over a nipple, his body hypersensitive, having waited for so long to be touched by another person. Desire started to burn, the area between his legs tightened, and he realised Seiichi's wasn't completely flaccid either.
He opened his eyes when the hands left him and Seiichi pulled back just an inch.
"The sofa." Seiichi took Renji's hand and led him out of the kitchen. He arched an eyebrow when Renji nudged him down, perhaps not expecting this, but said nothing and lay down, letting Renji straddle his hips.
Renji stripped off his own shirt, then bent down to work on Seiichi's, kissing each inch of skin that was revealed, aware of that growing hardness under him, the way Seiichi's breath became in sync with the way he moved his hips back and forth on top of Seiichi's, and that this wasn't right.
This wasn't right.
Shifting, he laid down on top of Seiichi, licking and sucking a nipple as his hands worked on the fastening of the pants. Hands gripped the sides of the cushion under his head, Seiichi did nothing to help Renji, or to stop him.
Renji couldn't undo the buttons.
He looked down and tried again. He seemed to have lost coordination of his own hands, and the trembling didn't help. He just could not perform a task as simple as this. Frustration and anger made his eyes sting. He wanted to do this, be fucked and used by someone who cared about him and who he cared about. Surely that was what he wanted. But those goddamn buttons just would not be undone.
Finally Seiichi caught his hands.
"Don't force yourself."
They stared at each other, then Renji scooted back, his head dipped, and Seiichi pulled his legs out and sat up.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be," said Seiichi, adjusting himself under the pants. "Though I might have to do some soul-searching. I thought I only liked women, but you managed to turn me on."
"I did?"
"You know you did." Seiichi scooted himself closer, his discarded shirt creasing under his legs. "So," he said, expecting an answer.
Renji shook his head. Seiichi was going to ask again, but his phone rang at that point, and he reached for it at the side table. "Hello? ... I'm busy at the moment. ... Really, now is not a good time. ... I'm talking to him right now. ... Yes he's here."
Seiichi met Renji's gaze, gesturing for him to stay where he was. "Nobody tried to hurt himself. With all due respect, he isn't your girlfriend. ... He wants to be left alone. ... Because I'm different. ... Don't worry. ... Hmm. ... Hmm. ... I'll tell him. ... Take care. We'll talk another time."
"He still wants to talk to me," Renji said when Seiichi put the phone down.
"He does. He wants to apologise for leaving like that that night, and talk about some other things. But whenever you feel like meeting, he said. He can wait."
It was as Renji expected. When Genichirou had made his mind up to do something, he would not give up until it was done. "He is feeling guilty about something he should not be guilty about. I told him I am moving on. He shouldn't selfishly keep asking."
"I don't think he wants to see you just to make himself feel better, you know," Seiichi sat down again. "The two of you... well, me too, all three of us are alike in one way: we're all extremely stubborn. Genichirou is trying to fix things, and you know he isn't ever going to give up. And you... honestly, I don't see you letting go. If you could you would have done it years ago. You know all this. Am I not right?"
Renji closed his eyes, silent. Deep inside he knew it was true, all true. He knew running away was not going to bring an end; there was not going to be an end.
"That's who you are, Renji. Embrace it and be true to yourself." Seiichi shifted again, trying to sit comfortably. "Your fears and your pains are nobody's but your own. As hard as I try, I won't understand. But, just imagine that I'm you, for a moment. What do you think I'd do?"
Incomplete scenarios played in Renji's mind, none of which had a conclusion. "I don't have sufficient information to make a hypothesis."
"Seduce him."
Renji's eyes opened. "I'm sorry?"
"Yanagi Renji has nothing to lose at this stage. Whatever he does, whether it works out or not, Genichirou will forgive him. It may be dirty, but I'd use that to my advantage if I were you. I know he likes you, he just doesn't want you - or he doesn't know he is allowed to want you."
Renji could hardly believe he was listening to this. "And what do you propose I seduce him with?"
Seiichi's voice had a hint of frustration. "Look in the mirror! You have everything going for you. Use it, strut your stuff and make him come to you! And if it doesn't work, at least you've tried. Damn," he grabbed Renji's hand and placed it on his groin. He was still rock hard. "This is proof of how sexy you are when you want to be. Now put your shirt back on and I'll leave you and get a cold drink, or I'll push you down and embrace bisexuality right now."
"No, I am sorry. It was completely the wrong time to break something like that to you. My attitude was wrong and I'm sorry," said Renji. "I'll buy dinner."
"But it was me-" Genichirou stopped talking when Renji gave him a look.
"Then take it as a thank-you for saving my life."
The izakaya was bustling. Renji ordered several choices of the tapas-style finger food, and plum sours for them both. He answered Genichirou's concern before his friend spoke. "I am allowed to drink in moderation."
"That's good."
"I truly did not intend to hurt myself."
"I know."
"If I wanted to I would have taken more than two tablets. And it would have sleeping pills rather than painkillers. I don't do things half-heartedly."
"Yes, I know." Genichirou shifted.
Renji smiled. "I just want to make that clear."
Genichirou scratched his cheek with a finger. After a bit of silence, conversation resumed, starting from the repair of Renji's door. The meeting was as Renji wanted. Seiichi would roll his eyes and say that he should seize the opportunity, but seduction was not something he was capable of. Seeing Genichirou was just giving the man a chance to put his heart at ease, to stop him from feeling guilty about an accident he did not cause. Not everyone could get what they wanted but Renji could give his friend that.
He noted that the topics of discussion stayed very clearly away from Genichirou's girlfriend. Genichirou was stiff, and Renji couldn't tell if it was because he now knew that Renji liked him, or that he had to lie to his girlfriend again to come to this dinner. This was probably a slight miscalculation. Renji had thought meeting up somewhere busy would make his friend feel more at ease, but maybe a place where a meal could be over and done with in half an hour would have been a better choice.
There it came again, the urge to say something destructive - so how did you feel when I said I think about you when I masturbate? - but this time Renji kept it down. Suddenly he wanted to leave, since obviously neither of them were feeling comfortable.
As if a greater power had heard this thoughts, Genichirou's girlfriend called. Renji stopped talking about meaningless things to listen to the conversation, observing how Genichirou's patience gradually wore thin, just like how it was with Akaya years ago. Genichirou ended the call, his face a shade darker than before.
"You're not going to check on her?"
"No."
"What if she hurts herself?"
Genichirou's jaw tightened. "She won't."
"But what if she does?"
Whatever it was Genichirou wanted to say, he did not say it out loud.
Renji finished his drink. Their food was almost all gone anyway, this was a good excuse to leave and go home, even if it meant Genichirou was going to find that woman. Renji paid, as he said he would, then they were outside, in the night.
"I'll send you home first." Genichirou pushed hands deep into pant pockets.
"I'm not sick anymore. I can manage."
"No. Yours first. It's not that far anyway."
"Really, it's fine..." Renji started to say, but then gave up. Genichirou had made his mind up already and it would make things more awkward if he kept refusing.
Neither of them spoke during the short walk. When they reached Renji's door, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Seiichi's told him to invite Genichirou inside. He didn't listen.
"Thank you for walking me back. Good night."
"Ah... actually, can I use your toilet?"
The hand that was closing the door froze, and pulled the door back again. "Of course," Renji forced a smile. Genichirou didn't want to see the girl, he could understand that. He even felt good about that. But this just didn't seem like the Genichirou he knew, turning away from what he had to do, choosing instead to spend time with someone who had obviously put him in a difficult position.
Unless Genichirou had another motive that Renji could not see.
That path of thought was far too optimistic and unrealistic for Renji to pursue. Maybe Genichirou truly just wanted to use the bathroom.
The idea reassured him. It wasn't something he wanted, but it meant he had it all under control, which was the way he preferred. He changed out of his street clothes and into pyjamas, to make sure Genichirou got the message that he intended to rest soon.
He was not going to seduce Genichirou.
He only left the buttons undone because it was warm. They had spent seven years changing in and out of uniform in the same tennis club room, there was nothing about him or his appearance that would interest Genichirou.
He was not going to seduce Genichirou.
Damn Seiichi for putting the thought in his head.
When Genichirou left the bathroom, the light had been dimmed, and Renji stood leaning back against his desk, his pyjama still not buttoned, the waistband of his pants resting low on his hips. Genichirou stopped dead in his tracks.
"I... I... erm, I'll get going now."
Renji made himself smile, and pushed himself off the desk to open the door. Genichirou didn't get the message, of course. He had no interest whatsoever in the first place.
The sound of the door closing gave Renji a sense of finality.
He tried. It probably wasn't sterling effort, because he knew nothing was going to happen, but at least he tried. Now he could give up and go back to quietly fancying Genichirou.
To say he wasn't disappointed would be a lie, but he was back on familiar territory and had no need to be afraid anymore.
Only that was a lie, too, because on a bad day he would lie in bed and imagine receiving Genichirou's wedding invitation - maybe in five, ten years' time - and being dragged along to the stag night by unknowing friends. His mind had the tendency to conjure up depressing situations that kept him awake at night and made him afraid of what may happen in the future.
He jumped when he heard the knock. Pushing himself off the door, he turned around. "Who is it?"
He had to wait a while before hearing the response. "I left something."
Renji let Genichirou in.
"What did you..."
He squeezed his eyes shut when Genichirou leaned in and kissed him.
Invade like fire - that was what Genichirou was doing to him. Genichirou kissed with the same conviction as he did everything else. Renji had no option but to relinquish control, shivering when hands pushed his pyjama top off his shoulders and his back felt the cold concrete wall behind him. Genichirou wasn't gentle - his grip was strong, almost bruising; he grazed teeth against Renji's skin; he pulled Renji's head back to kiss his neck by yanking on his hair. But Renji liked every second of it and he was hard and wet at the tip in no time. It wasn't something he really ever thought about, but it didn't surprise him to find out he liked being treated this way. Or perhaps it was because of Genichirou. As long as it was Genichirou.
The first time Genichirou paused was when they were on the bed, naked, and he didn't know what to do next. Renji got the tube of hand lotion from his desk and passed it to Genichirou, then flipped over onto his elbows and knees, his face pressed into the pillow.
The second time Genichirou paused was when Renji screamed in pain.
"Keep going," gasped Renji. "Please."
Renji bit on the pillow to stop himself from screaming as Genichirou eased in and out of him slowly, too careful not to hurt him again, until they got the angle right, it didn't hurt so much anymore and Renji told him to go faster, whilst pumping himself to the same rhythm.
When Genichirou pulled out and liquid ran down the inside of Renji's thighs, Renji belatedly realised they hadn't used protection. Hopefully Genichirou was clean, but Renji didn't really care either way. He couldn't care about most things at this point.
The bed was too small for two, but they made do and caught their breaths. Renji kept his face buried in the pillow, too afraid of what he might find on Genichirou's face if he looked. Horror, disgust, regret, pity - he didn't want to know. Renji had no regret about this and didn't want his own feelings tarnished.
The body next to him shifted. They were so close Renji could feel warm breath in his shoulder.
They both tensed up when Genichirou's phone rang. The phone was at the other end of the room, in the pocket of a discarded pair of jeans, and neither of them moved to get it.
"You should go," Renji said when the ringer finally stopped.
Genichirou didn't move.
"I won't be able to sleep at night if something happens to her," said Renji. "Go."
It took what felt like an eternity, but Genichirou eventually got up and got dressed. He combed Renji's hair once with his fingers. Renji said goodnight, still not turning over. He went to sleep that way, naked, soiled, satisfied, yet wanting to scream.
Renji came out of the shower, stripped his bed and put everything inside his laundry bag. He hurt so much he didn't want to move, but he was moving around exactly because of that.
When the phone rang, he hesitated before picking it up. He thought Genichirou wouldn't contact again for at least a few weeks.
"Good morning."
Genichirou ignored the greeting. "Are you all right?"
Renji stood in front of the mirror on the side of his wardrobe. "Of course I am." He hadn't noticed when he showered, but there were very faint, yellow bruises on the tops of his arms, shoulders and hips, disappearing under the waistband of his pants. "But thank you for asking."
There was a dark red patch near his neck, just above his collarbone. Renji covered it with a hand. It felt like it had been scorched.
"I see..."
"Is she okay?"
"Yeah."
"That's good."
"Renji, listen, I-"
"I only have fifteen minutes left to get to my first lecture. Let's talk later."
Genichirou agreed reluctantly. "I'll call you tonight."
Renji went to lecture, switched his phone off, and let it stay off for the rest of the day.
The pain between Renji's legs faded after two days, and the bruises, too. During that time, Genichirou called once, but Renji managed to avoid, and then change, the subject. He came up with another excuse to end the call quickly.
A few days later, his university announced a new exchange programme that would allow one successful applicant to go to a foreign university for a year. Renji handed in the application form and told Seiichi about it afterwards.
Seiichi was visibly upset. "You're going away for a year?"
"I applied. There are many applicants but only one place."
"But you're the top student." Seiichi rubbed his forehead heavily when Renji said nothing. "Why?"
Renji knew this question would come. He also knew it made no difference how he answered it, but he tried anyway. "It is a golden opportunity."
"I don't believe you."
"I know you don't," Renji watched Seiichi stir his tea, "remember what you said last time?"
"Which time are you referring to?"
"That if I could stop I would have done it years ago. Taking it along the same tangent, if I wanted to run away I would have done it long ago."
Seiichi set the teaspoon on the saucer. "Nice try, but I'm not stupid. Before, you hadn't had the chance to go anywhere. And Genichirou didn't know."
Renji looked away. "Circumstances change, but who I am, do not."
"I don't want to get philosophical with you," said Seiichi with a sigh. "It's my fault. I told him. I messed up everything for you."
"Would you feel better if I was angry with you and blamed you?"
"Yes."
Renji smiled. "I'm afraid I can't give you that privilege," he paused briefly, "the nature of secrets is that one day, they will be revealed. Telling you means I surrendered, well, the secrecy."
"That's bull," Seiichi frowned, "unless you're saying you didn't trust me in the first place."
"I'm saying I accept that accidents happen."
Seiichi knew he could not win. "I'm sorry anyway."
"You can keep apologising, but I will keep ignoring you."
Seiichi glared at his friend and started taking sugar cubes from the bowl to flick at Renji. Renji caught them all and dropped them into Seiichi's tea, stopping only when the waitress appeared with cake.
"It's okay to ask," suddenly Renji said, eyes not on Seiichi but on his food. He knew Seiichi enough to know that there was one more question. He even knew what question it was.
After a pause, Seiichi lowered his voice. "Did something happen?"
"Do you want the long or short version?"
"Tell me the most important part first."
"He fucked me."
Seiichi gasped.
"His girlfriend rang afterwards. I told him to go and check on her, so he did."
It seemed like Seiichi was trying to choose the best response. Renji shrugged. "You want to call me an idiot. That's fine."
Seiichi sighed. "Renji..."
Renji avoided Seiichi's eyes. "One night stands shouldn't get in the way of proper relationships."
"Which heterosexual man would have a one night stand with a male friend who he knows likes him?"
"Don't get mad at him. I asked, he gave me what I wanted."
"That's not what you wanted." Seiichi struggled to keep his voice down. "You knew that wasn't what I meant when I said you could seduce him."
"What I knew was there was no chance for anything more to happen. I don't hope for something when the probability is zero."
"Keep saying that, and maybe one day you will believe it."
Renji bit on his cheesecake and said nothing.
"God, I'm not here to tell you off," Seiichi brushed his hair away from his eyes. "But why are you doing this to yourself?"
"Seiichi," Renji put his fork down. "Let it go. I'm fine about it. It's a good memory."
"Stop saying 'it's fine'. It's not fine. You deserve so much more than this."
Sometimes Renji wished he was in love with Seiichi instead. This feeling was stronger than ever at this moment. "It's more than I ever expected I could have. He's straight."
"How many straight guys go and have sex with a man?"
"You almost did with me. Bi-curious is not the same as bisexual."
"Well maybe both Genichirou and I are open to new things."
"I would believe that if he didn't keep trying to apologise for it." This conversation was beginning to drain Renji of his energy. "Just like you, he' trying to claim responsibility for what I started."
Renji didn't want to hear it. If Genichirou said "sorry," it would be to say it was a mistake, that he hadn't wanted it. Renji would not allow it to be labelled as a mistake.
Seiichi didn't argue further; he knew there was no point. "Whatever the case, do you really have to go away?"
"I've already applied. There is nothing I can do about it now."
"If you go, I'll always feel it's all my fault."
Tearing his eyes from his friend, Renji looked down at the table cloth, as if to study the patterns on it.
"I'm sorry."
Exam period came and went. The intensive study regime Renji adopted meant he did not socialise with anyone for over a month, although friends occasionally visited, if only to make sure he remembered to eat. It gave Renji an inkling of how Seiichi must have felt a few years ago, still being treated like a glass doll for months after full recovery from his illness.
But although it was distracting, Renji quite enjoyed the attention. Even the time when Genichirou showed up at his door, carrying boxes of hot takeaways and fully expecting the door to shut in his face, Renji had thanked him and accepted the food, although he didn't invite him in, because he didn't want his concentration be disrupted, or so he said.
Sometimes Renji didn't understand himself. On one hand, he knew he was fully capable of doing everything by himself and liked to project himself as such a person. On the other hand, he liked being looked after and pampered. It made him want to believe in Seiichi, that he deserved to have a lot in his life, or at least a lot of little things, such as a hot takeaway Genichirou brought for him.
Renji decided to stay in town for two more weeks after the exams, to wait for the exam results and also the announcement for the exchange programme. He was reluctant to go back home; there were unfinished business he had to deal with. The last thing he wanted was to have Genichirou ringing his doorbell in Kanagawa and his whole family finding out everything.
He called Genichirou, asking when he would be free. Genichirou said he could drop by right away. It took Renji by surprise, but he said he would be waiting.
Genichirou arrived less than an hour later, his hair messy and skin pale from the cold outside. Renji eyed the shirt and jeans, not adequate for this time of the year, and realised Genichirou had hurried his way here.
He made hot tea for them both. "Sorry I hadn't returned your calls," he said as he set the steaming tea in front of Genichirou. "Exams kept me busy."
It wasn't the entire truth and both of them knew it, but Genichirou accepted the tea and the explanation. They were quiet for a while, as Genichirou warmed up and Renji sorted through his thoughts.
"Renji, I-"
"Don't." Renji cut the words off right away. "Don't apologise."
Genichirou frowned. "But I'm-"
"Don't say it!" It was a bit dramatic, but Renji wanted to cover his ears with his hands. He would do it if he had to. He would even leave the room if he had to, just to avoid hearing those words. "...Please."
Genichirou looked down, his face beet red now. "I thought... the way you acted afterwards... that you... I-I know I was forceful."
There was a melodramatic sigh. "Which part of 'please keep going' suggested to you that I didn't want it?" Renji could feel the heat radiating off his face. He gritted his teeth and continued. "In fact, I must apologise for what I'd done and for ignoring you afterwards."
"Renji..."
"I'm sorry. Seiichi knows, but no one else. I won't ever tell anyone. I'm sorry. I avoided you because I didn't want to get in your way; what happened wasn't your responsibility, it was mine. I'm sorry."
In the moments that passed after that, Genichirou tried to speak a few times, but no words came out. After a while he stood. "More tea?"
Renji nodded. Genichirou took the cups, rinsed them and put in fresh teabags. He filled the electric kettle and flicked it on.
"I understand what you're trying to say." He stole a glance at Renji before going back to staring at the kettle. "I won't apologise if you don't want me to. But although I probably don't always think very hard, I don't think with my dick."
"That's not what I meant."
"To say that you were solely responsible is to say there is nothing between my ears."
"Please don't dissect this the wrong way. I just..." Just what? "just..." He couldn't say it. Whatever he could say would sound like an attempt to make Genichirou feel guilty. "just want to say that I hope it hadn't changed anything. I'd still like to be your friend if you'd allow me to." He smiled.
"Renji-"
"Anyway," Renji continued, not letting Genichirou speak, "has Seiichi told you about the exchange?"
"No, what is it?"
"My university has organised an overseas exchange programme. I've applied."
"How long for?"
"Just a year."
"I... see."
"It's an opportunity I don't want to miss."
"Is it too late to ask you not to go?" Genichirou asked quietly, sitting down in front of Renji again, the kettle and teacups forgotten.
"It's not because of you."
"Is it too late?"
Renji stopped himself from reacting to the question. "Seiichi'll still be here."
Genichirou pushed his chair back, making Renji cringe at the sound of wood scraping against the floor. "That's not the point."
"It's not that big a deal; please don't be angry." Or maybe it was a big deal, Renji thought. They had known each other for a decade and had been best friends for that long. Perhaps Genichirou had the right to be angry, even if the decision was for the sake of everyone concerned. But this wasn't how he wanted the conversation to go. "I was hoping you'd agree it's a great opportunity and wish me good luck."
Dealing the guilt-trip card was a dirty move, but it did the trick. Or perhaps Genichirou just knew there was no point in saying anything anymore. Either way, he became quiet.
Genichirou's phone beeped. Renji wasn't surprised; it seemed to be the way things always went, and he had in fact been waiting for this to help end the meeting.
After checking the message, Genichirou put the phone away. Renji kept his gaze lowered, and stood.
"It's not-"
Renji cut in. "It doesn't matter why she called." The meaningless smile couldn't blunt the edge in his voice. "It's just that I still feel ashamed of myself and would like to be left alone now. Sorry, I know you rushed here as soon as I called. I'm sorry."
Genichirou didn't stand until Renji went to the door. "Don't apologise."
"Thank you for coming. I was afraid you wouldn't want to see me again," Renji said, and kept going, once again not letting Genichirou speak. "I'm honoured to have a friend like you."
Genichirou couldn't have missed the meaning of those words, but after a pause, he spoke as if he hadn't heard them.
"Are you busy on Saturday?"
The question surprised Renji. "No."
"Okay." Genichirou slipped his shoes on. "I'll call you."
Renji held the door open. Genichirou stepped out, but didn't leave right away. 'What do you want to do on Saturday,' Renji wanted to ask but didn't dare to. It sounded almost like a date waiting to happen, or that Genichirou wanted to have sex with him again. But Renji knew his friend wasn't that kind of a person, and especially after the conversation today, he would not do it again.
In the end, Renji chose the most generic reply. "See you," he said, and closed the door.
Renji didn't have much to pack, his possessions consisting mostly of books, and more books. He was ready to leave days before the results were released, and after he received those on Friday, he contemplated going home right away.
He could just ring Genichirou and tell him he had to go home.
He could just go without saying anything, and hope that Genichirou would get the message.
But he still wanted to know what Genichirou had in mind. Even after all this, he was curious by nature.
He lay in bed, the phone on the pillow beside him, trying to figure out the consequence of each option, and the consequences of those consequences. He was so deep in thought that when the phone rang right next to his ears, he jumped.
"Genichirou?"
"Are you in right now?"
"Yes..."
"Please stay there, I'm coming over."
The phone clicked. Renji stared at the ceiling above him. There could be no running away, after all.
When the entrance phone buzzed, though, it wasn't Genichirou on the other side.
Renji opened the door. Seiichi stepped in, looking as confused as Renji was. "Genichirou told me to come here," he said, expecting Renji to part with more information. Renji just shook his head and made tea for his visitor. It couldn't be anything he had to worry about, then, if Seiichi was here. He wouldn't have worried in the first place if Genichirou had been less vague - or if Renji worked up the courage to ask what Genichirou had in mind. Whatever the case, he was much more relaxed when he opened the door for Genichirou mere minutes later.
Until he saw the seriousness of Genichirou's face.
Wordlessly Renji prepared another cup of tea whilst Seiichi handled the situation. "Are you okay?" Yukimura asked, but Renji couldn't hear the reply. Perhaps Genichirou only gestured.
Renji let the teabag stay in the cup - Genichirou liked his tea strong - and turned around. With three people inside the standard-sized student room, there was barely any space to move, until Seiichi backed away and sat down at the far end of the bed.
"I'll go next door and borrow another chair."
"Renji, it's fine." Genichirou put down the tea, catching Renji on the arm. Renji looked over his friend's shoulder at Seiichi, a sudden rush of panic threatening to overcome him, but all Seiichi did was shrug and smile. "I want to talk to you."
"What's the matter? I thought we were meeting up tomorrow." Renji steadied himself and smiled. Panic aside, he still loved Genichirou's serious face.
Blood slowly crept towards Genichirou's face, giving him a hint of pink. Lowering his hand, fists clenched tight, he was determined to continue. "I've broken up with her."
Lips parted in surprise. Renji ran over the words in his mind - he was sure he heard it right. But what reaction was Genichirou expecting from him? "I'm... sorry to hear that," said Renji with a sympathetic smile. "This probably doesn't sound very sincere, coming from me, but I am. It wasn't because... did she find out..."
Genichirou shook his head, black hair tumbling into his eyes. "It was a long time coming. I had to ease myself out of her life slowly, make sure she isn't dependent on me anymore... but I realised telling you about it wouldn't be right."
"It'd give the impression that I caused it," Renji muttered.
"Exactly." Genichirou took a step forward just as Renji took a step back. "Would you listen to me now? You wouldn't let me speak when I was still seeing her, tarundoru."
Feeling like a cornered animal, Renji reached behind him and felt the wall. He smiled and took a side step, so that he was closer to the door. "I always listen to you."
"You always listen to the things you allow me to say." Frowning at the expression Renji was giving him, Genichirou let the argument go, and looked down at his feet for a moment, before finding his words and looking up again. "I know a year isn't much compared with how long you've waited, but if when you come back from wherever you're going andyou'renot-" He coughed, took a deep breath and tried again. "if you still feel the same way when you come back, I'll be here. I-I mean, I'll wait. If you find someone else, I'll wait. If you don't want a relationship with anyone, I'll wait. I promise I will."
"Is that why I'm here?" Suddenly Seiichi spoke, reminding Renji that he was still here. Leaning back on his arms, Seiichi regarded Genichirou. "Swear on it, then. I'll be the witness."
"I swear."
"If you don't stick to your promise, you'll..." Rolling his eyes around, Seiichi grinned briefly. "...not get to have any sex for the rest of your life."
"That'll do," Genichirou agreed without protest, making his friends stare in surprise. "Renji?"
Renji avoided Genichirou's eyes, choosing to stare at their feet. Could this truly be happening?
"Please don't... wait for me. I don't want that."
"Renji!" Seiichi said.
A hand on his lips now, Renji tried to hide the grin that was surfacing. "I'm not going anywhere. I didn't get the place." He looked up, gasps of laughter spilling out between the gaps of his fingers. It felt so strange; he couldn't remember when the last time he laughed was. "A girl got it. I didn't know sleeping with the professor was part of the application process."
After long seconds of silence, Seiichi sniggered loudly. He took the pillow to cover his face with. "Sorry Genichirou, I know this is a serious matter. So sorry. Please, continue." He turned away and laughed into the pillow, waving at his friends.
"Seiichi!" Genichirou glared, the blush that he had controlled so well earlier now colouring even the tips of his ears. He reached up, as if to tug down the brim of the baseball cap he wasn't wearing, and pulled his hair instead. "Renji, so..."
Something about this situation made Renji want to laugh. Something else about it made him want to cry. But something else, an inner strength that had always supported him, allowed him to smile and speak steadily. "What I mean is: I would rather you not wait a year, seeing as you don't have to."
"Right," Genichirou chuckled then, glad, relieved, excited. "Right."
Behind Genichirou, the pillow on his lap, Seiichi mused out loud, "we need to get the wedding invitations ready..."
Renji looked on as Genichirou finally stormed over to deal with their friend, and Seiichi raising the pillow as if to protect himself from a round of stern words starting with "tarundoru." They both turned to him for help, but all he did was take the tea that Genichirou didn't drink, and sipped it, completely unperturbed.
For the first time since he was 15, Renji felt he was going to be just fine.