A/N: This entire story is set after Deathly Hallows, ignoring the epilogue, although many of the things in the epilogue will be reflected here. This is entirely from Hermione's POV, and mainly her struggles. Please read and review… thanks! enjoy!

I remember when I was still in Hogwarts and everyone around me discussed the future, mine always seemed simple enough. It was always obvious where I'd be ten or fifteen years after school. I'd be at some ridiculously challenging, rewarding job that would satisfy my thirst for learning and curiosity. I'd be married to Ron and we'd have a bunch of kids and be insanely happy. Sadly, at least part of that planned out future was wrong. It's been fifteen years since we defeated Voldemort, fourteen years since I finished school, thirteen and a half years since I joined the Department of Regulation of Magical Creatures, twelve since Ron and I got married, ten since I moved to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, eight since we had our daughter, Rose, six since I became Assistant to the Department Head, four since we had our son, Hugo, and two and a half since I became Head of the Department. It's been two years since we lost our third child, and about the same since my picture perfect life hasn't been all I thought it would be.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I adore my kids and I'll always love Ron, but I always thought I'd be happier at age 33. A big part of me desperately wants more children, and an even bigger part of me is terrified to lose another baby. I know that Ron can feel the change in me. We never make love anymore; in fact, we hardly touch each other at all or show any signs of affection. Most of our conversations are monotonous and nothing changes. I can't even remember the last time I kissed him.

Ever since I've become so withdrawn Ron has thrown himself into being the best Auror possible, and since him and Harry run the Auror Department it hasn't been hard to find work to do. Technically I'm his boss, since I am the head of Law, but we never judge it that way. Most of our interactions have been work related though. We never talk anymore unless it's about our kids, or something happening in the office. I don't really know why we let what happened tear us apart- I thought nothing would ever be able to do that. Now we're both ridiculously successful in our careers but unhappy at home.

I do wonder sometimes if other people can tell we're unhappy. I know that Harry is Ron's outlet for basically everything so it wouldn't surprise me if he knows everything. I talk to him a lot too, but it's not the same as it used to be. I talk to Ginny more than Harry these days, and I do tell her a lot, not everything, because I've never been really comfortable opening up and telling everything to anyone but Ron. I'm sure Harry and Ginny have discussed it. I hope our kids don't know but sadly I think Rose got my emotional radar and has probably picked up on more than we think; she was also old enough to understand what happened when we didn't bring her sibling home from the hospital so she might have connected those dots as well.

My parents know. I confide in my mum about certain aspects of the issues between Ron and me, mainly that we don't talk anymore, and my guess is that she has discussed the problems with my dad. I think Molly and Arthur know. Arthur sees us at work and I'm sure he notices that we never eat lunch together anymore or arrive together, or leave together. Plus I've been avoiding big family gatherings so much that the entire Weasley clan probably has figured out that something is wrong, I don't think I've even been to the Burrow for over a year. Molly and Ginny also talk a lot and I'm sure that Ginny has told Molly some things, intentionally or not.

Ron tried for a long time to get me back to my usual headspace, but sadly I've been away from myself for so long that eventually he gave up. We don't really do anything together anymore unless our kids are involved. We both love them more than anything and it's basically an unspoken agreement that we don't let our issues cloud their life. Actually our issues themselves are unspoken as well. We never talk about anything important, and we haven't for a long time. Right now I'm sitting at my desk at work- supposedly doing paperwork- but writing all my thoughts in a journal and reflecting on the last couple years. I keep looking up into the Auror Department to see if I can catch a glimpse of my husband. Its late in the day and basically everyone else has left; I worked a bit later than normal because on my lunch break I went to a muggle therapist to talk about my life with Ron because I'm tired of being in this strange purgatory. I didn't tell anyone about this appointment, or the last few months of appointments, not even Ginny. I just miss Ron so much and he's near me all the time and I don't know how to get back to where we were so I decided to get some help.

And it has helped, a lot. I think since I'm the one who pulled away so hard I need to be the one to take the first steps to get him back; it's only fair. I also think I'm finally ready to start trying to be the person I used to be again. I've wallowed long enough and I really just want to reclaim my life. Plus I know that I need to prove my love for Ron somehow after letting him believe whatever he has for so long. I've been working myself up to acting and actually trying to change and as I start packing up my things, closing the journal on my desk, I look up and notice Ron shutting his office lights off and heading my way. My pulse quickens a bit, I know that I'm about to get the opportunity to do something different tonight to show him that things are going to change.

Knock knock:

I hear him knock on my office door and call for him to come in. He cracks the door open enough for his head to stick through.

"Hey, I'm heading home and I just wanted to tell you I'm going to pick up the kids from my parents," he paused for a second, looking like he was having an inner battle about whether to continue, then added unsurely, "any idea when you'll be home?"

It breaks a piece of my heart to see how fearful and sad he is when he talks to me. I hesitate for a second, knowing I could leave with him right now and go get the kids with him but I also know that its around dinner time which means other Weasley's could be there besides his parents, picking up their kids, and I know that it would be too much too fast. I pick a different option.

"Well I think I'll leave in a few minutes and get home to make you dinner," I take a deep breath, stand up from behind my desk and walk towards the door. I pull it open and he stands up straight in front of me, looking very surprised at my actions. Another breath, must remember to breath, and I take his hand. When I touch him a shock runs through me and I realize just how long it has been since we've touched, and an even longer time since I initiated any kind of contact.

"Ron, honey," I say trying to grab his attention, he had a glossed over dazed look on his face and I could tell he was surprised that I was so near him, "what's your favourite meal these days? I'll make it tonight." I force a smile, hoping he can see that I'm trying very hard.

Ron looks at me, a bit shocked still but recovers after a short time and grips my hand back before replying, "The usual stuff Mione, any kind of pasta with cheese," he smiled sadly and added, "I haven't really changed."

God it felt good to hear him say my name. It has been way to long since he said my name, and way longer since he said my Ron-only nickname. Hearing him say it gave me a sudden rush of bravery and I reached up to touch his cheek.

"Pasta with lots of cheese it is. But I'm adding some kind of protein," it made me happy to see him smile when I touched his cheek so gently. I can feel him rest his cheek in my hand, and his eyes close, as if savouring the moment.

"Okay that sounds great," Ron said and suddenly seemed very reluctant to continue as he opens his eyes, "I guess I better go get the kids."

I nod and he turns and walks out of the office. From the look on his face I can tell how starved for affection he is; a sudden impulse flashes through me and makes me run into the empty office space after him.

"Ron," I don't yell, but I certainly say it loud enough for him to hear. He turns around and I rush towards him and kiss him hard on the mouth; a passionate but relatively short kiss, soft yet hard, gentle, so many things I haven't felt in such a long time. Ron responds after a few seconds of realizing what was happening. When I pull away I notice that he has tears in his eyes. I stand in front of him and smile up at him, leaning into his chest and he instinctively wraps his arms around me.

Suddenly I'm crying. I don't really know what happened but just the feeling of him near me again was overwhelming and suddenly I can feel the guilt of all my recent actions. I can feel so much pain leaving me as he holds me gently against him; my body feels like it's on fire from his touch. Ron just stands there, rubbing my back and when I finally pull away his robes are wet on the front and his cheeks are tear stained.

"We're going to be okay baby," he says and wipes a tear away from my eye.

I smile up at him, a real, genuine smile and he kisses my forehead.

"Go get our kids Ron," I say softly and then add, "and be home quick, we're all doing something together tonight okay?"

Ron nods and smiles, "I'll see you soon then." He goes to kiss me on the cheek but I see it coming and move so that a light kiss falls on my lips, something I used to do when we first started dating and he when still nervous about kissing me.

"I do love you Ron, I hope you know that," I whisper as he pulls away.

"I love you," he smiles and turns to walk away, leaving me to pack up my desk.

As I re-enter my office I suddenly feel way better. I can't believe how much one short interaction with Ron can change everything. I stand in the doorway smiling at the progress we made in such a short amount of time and I realize my office is very gloomy and I can't help but stand and wonder how long it's been this way. Tomorrow will be a new day so I open up the blinds and let in the darkness of night, knowing that it'll be bright and shiny when I walk in the next day.

I quickly pack up my desk and head up to the apparition point in the Atrium, arriving home seconds later.

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