Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin. ;-)
Fatal
I swore that I had fallen in love with you the moment I saw you. Was it your hair? Your eyes? Your walk? I don't think I knew what it was. Everyone loved you and I knew why. You had time for all the people you loved. Your generosity was unparalleled, almost like an angel descended from heaven.
I had watched in silent admiration, that fateful day, as you walked down the stairs to greet us. Your lithe stride, open expression of happiness, and simple gesture of love as you opened your arms for a hug. I was never jealous of Misao for being your sister. She worshipped the ground you walked on, as did I, but not once did I reveal this emotion. How long has it been since we first met? 15 Years? Yes, I know it has been that long. I was 12, and yet I knew a greater love would never be, except that love which I had for you. I knew I would never be with you, and I silently resigned myself to this fate. I am content watching you from a distance, for I believe it is all I shall ever do.
Do you even know you supported me through my hardest years? Even the smallest word of praise, encouragement or agreement lifted my spirits. Remember when we used to go jogging together and talk about our favourite movies? Your favourite was Blades of Glory and mine was Pride and Prejudice the BBC version. I could never get you to watch it. You flatly refused to be drawn into 18th Century pre-smut romance. I commiserated good naturedly at your refusal and sadly acknowledged that we would forever be interested in different things.
I was always confused at your behaviour. Even though you had your beautiful girlfriend, you sought my company often while she was with you. You would leave her standing there alone and find me in a tree reading a book, lying on the couch sleeping or being lazy. I interpreted your conduct as pity regarding my circumstances and a deep sense regard for my welfare. After all I was an orphan with little to my name. Is that what it was? Pity? I would rather your indifference.
You would always return to the main house for the holidays bringing along your current girlfriend, and there we would spend all our summer together. You admitted so many times that I was your best friend. Friend. I felt like crying and laughing at the same time. I was important, yet not important enough.
What was it that you always used to say? In the end everything will be okay, and if it's not the end then its okay. You always said it with so much carelessness. You exuded this charm and beauty which outshone the sun itself. Everyone loved you. I loved you. I still do. I wondered if you ever saw the way I looked at you. If you did what would you have said? I don't want to think about it, and to be honest, I would prefer your friendship than nothing at all.
For the last few years I have tried in earnest to forget you. Perhaps forget is too strong a description. I guess I've tried to minimise the feelings I have for you, so I can move on. If there's a chance that I can be the most important woman in another mans life, I want be able to take it. Even though I love you now, you will never love me as I wished so often. I cannot waste my best years pining for one who will never want me the way I want and need them. Lately you have been in my thoughts more often than I care to admit. You rang yesterday asking if I would be coming down to the main house with Misao for the holidays, to which I responded that I would. Of course I would. Even now I am trying to prevent myself from falling any deeper into the hole I have dug for myself; still I find myself running back to your side again and again.
Misao had already asked if I was coming and I had already told her that I would. Strangely enough I thought that this might be the best way to say goodbye in no uncertain terms. There you were standing in front of me. Your open facial expression displayed pure delight at our arrival. You hugged me tightly and held me longer than necessary. I smiled tightly in return and you noticed didn't you? Your face lost some of its pleasure, and you had a strange look as you watched me unload my luggage from the car. I never realised how hard this would be. Proximity to a loved one always makes it difficult to leave.
At dinner you sat across from me and it seemed like you were watching me the whole night. I occasionally looked up and returned your small smile with a little one of my own. I was no longer uncomfortable in your prescence, instead I had grown used to your habits. After 15 Years who wouldn't? Let's face the truth, 27 years old and still wallowing in the dark recesses of unrequited love was wearing me down. Is that why you were watching me?
You whispered in my ear that perhaps we should talk in your study. I wondered at your insistence. It was strange for you to be so assertive. Misao was being strangely aloof regarding your behaviour as well. Had I done something to hurt you? If I had forgive me Kenshin, that was never my intention.
You indicate towards the couch for me to sit down, which I obey in very mild manner. I feel strangely disconnected from the situation. I watch as you close and lock the study door, which unnerved me greatly, but I held onto my composure by a thread. You walked towards me and sat down next to me on the couch which had little space for you to sit. I had assumed that you would sit in the seat across from me. I tried to move back to give you space but you stopped me with a gentle hand on my bare leg. I'm staring at your hand now in wonder. After so long I can feel your calloused hand on the soft skin of my knee. I think that something has happened to you and your heart is heavy with despair. In response I place my hand over yours what I believe is a reassuring gesture. Your face is now tight with emotion, you thumb rubs slow circles over my skin. What is it that has you so worried? Tell me please…
"How has work been for you in the city?" you ask quietly.
"The same." I say carefully.
"Nothing new?" you iterate.
"No, should there be?" I ask you.
"I just-' you pause, your hand tightens on my knee 'Are you in a relationship at the moment?"
I am now almost gaping at you inwardly. How could you ask me this?
"I-" I am about to reply, but you cut me off.
"I honestly don't care if you are" you say hoarsely.
Now I am worried, and confused. What are you trying to say that is making you act so uncharacteristically?
"What is it?" I ask you gently, sliding a little closer and wrapping a friendly arm around your drooping shoulders. I can smell your earthy ginger scent, and it reminds me so much of you. I can't hear your muffled response as you speak into my hair. You undid my clip and my hair is now in you hands. You always did love playing with it.
"I can't hear you." I admonish softly,
"I said I love you."
If it were possible I think my heart may have stopped. My hand is still hovering over your hair which I had been stroking in an effort to comfort you.
"Please say something." you whisper urgently "Please".
I turn my head slightly and look into your violet orbs. They always mesmerised me.
"Why?" I whisper
"I could never stop loving you Kaoru. You torture me with your indifference. I need to know how you feel, and I cannot move on unless I know. And honestly I would probably still love you even though you might not love me." you say in despair.
My hand is now on your face, you kiss my palm feverishly.
"I was always yours Kenshin." I smile "Always".
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cheers,
Iuvenalis