Apologies. Just... just tons of them.

Chapter Thirty-Four – Breaking The Rules

JD POV

Despite my instincts to dance around the entire space before me, a space that was now to be my new sort-of-home, I knew there was too much to do, too much to sort out. I practically ran from the apartment, slamming myself against walls in my haste to get to my scooter and probably bruising the entire left side of my body in the process; I didn't feel pain, though, nor embarrassment for my blatant disregard to my easily-maimed skin – I was too full of joy, the kind of happiness that makes you feel like you're about to explode and shower everyone within speaking-distance with rainbows and glitter and the sort of weird crap you only ever see in Japanese comics... I was delirious with it, and I needed to share my delirium with someone. My fingers stumbled over the keys of my phone, desperate to get the words out so that my very best friend would come running.

Perry gave me a key and I need to get stuff, ASAP – BEARS, ASSEMBLE!

He met me at the nearest department store with a big grin and a bone-breaking hug, murmuring sweet words of encouragement in my ear until we finally broke apart and he could finally say the words neither of us had ever imagined would come out of his mouth.

"I guess he really does care about you, buddy."

I nodded. "I can't believe it, none of it! I know we were starting to get serious 'cos he stopped groaning whenever I called him my boyfriend, but this..."

He slapped me on the back, not needing me to finish the sentence. "I know, man, I know." We turned in unison to start walking towards the home department, the grin on my cheeks beginning to hurt. "So what kind of stuff are you gonna get?"

I hesitated, Perry's threats lingering in my mind. "Kinda depends on whether I want to be punished or not."

Turk frowned. "What's he going to punish you for?"

"He wrote me a letter basically telling me that if I dress up his apartment in Christmassy goodness he'll be pissed."

"But..."

"But I'm not planning on caring," I admitted, my eyes crinkling with mirth as I pictured the makeover I had planned for his cold, white apartment. "I know he's not the festive type and everything but I can't help but hope that if I make the effort, if I make it look pretty and warm and inviting he won't punish me and will just kind of get used to it."

Turk shot me a glance. "You mean you hope he'll get used to you, right?"

"Right."

He shrugged. "Then what are we waiting for? To the Christmas decorations!"

I cheered. "EAAAAAGLEEEE!"

Our descent upon the Christmas department was lethal. Not content with choosing a colour scheme and settling for 'less is more' as Turk discreetly suggested, I bought heaps upon heaps of coloured lights, tinsel and ornaments; the star was so big we had to get a separate cart for it, and there were so many ornaments that they kept falling out of the bigger cart and leaving one of us trailing behind as we picked them up and shoved them unceremoniously back in. We both picked out differently detailed Santa hats for both Perry and myself, choosing a black and green one with 'Scrooge' written in big letters on the rim for Dr. Cox and a superbly fluffy and glittery red-and-white one for me; we wore these as we wheeled ourselves through the aisles, singing Christmas songs none-too-quietly and exclaiming over the amazing Christmas-themed pet toys and costumes for animals (we chose an elf outfit for Rowdy with gleeful whoops of anticipation). By the time we reached the check-out, my credit card was sobbing and my heart was thudding as I paid for something I would probably pay for in a different way when Perry returned home.

"Okay, that's done. Other than a tree, do we need anything else?"

I nodded, mentally checking stuff off in my head. "I wanna get some stuff to fill up my drawers at his place, basics... maybe get some nice photo frames to put up, a few cushions for the couch, a new comforter for the bed -"

"He's gonna kill you," Turk informed me, shaking his head.

"Yep," I agreed heartily, pushing the lighter cart out of the doors and towards Turks car. "You'd be amazed how much I don't care right now."

Shopping for the other stuff took longer and required a lot of input from the shop assistants; I had six of them at once holding up various cushions, Turk and I staring at them with a critical eye until we finally agreed on two different types to mix-and-match. We ended up leaving the store with a cart nearly has big as the one we had filled with Christmas decs, random bits and pieces shoved into the backseat and trunk of Turk's car until we finally deemed ourselves ready to pick a tree and head back to Perry's – mine and Perry's – apartment to decorate. I studiously ignored the nagging voice in the back of my head that told me to at least take back the singing penguin, humming it away even as we loaded up our arms with shopping bags and stumbled up to the fifth floor of my new apartment building. Getting the tree up there ended up messy, a trail of pine-needles tracing our path until we finally had it placed in front of the big window overlooking the road and trees outside the front of the building.

Halfway into decorating, Turk's phone rang.

"Hey baby."

I continued working, wrapping lights around the tree and ignoring my screaming muscles as they cried in the process. I couldn't help but notice his voice getting lower, tone almost pleading; I listened, trying to appear nonchalant.

"No, Carla, I... no, he's doing what he wants to do, it's not our business... I get that, honey, but it's up to JD what he decides is right and what isn't -"

Oh, great. "Turk, give me the phone."

He turned to face me, shaking his head. "Carla, he's a grown man -"

"Turk -"

"I know you're concerned, but he's old enough to make his own decisions! No, I'm not – I'm not yelling at you, baby, I just think -"

I leaned over and yanked the phone from his grip, pressing it to my ear and taking a deep breath as a torrent of words filled my ears. "Hey Carla."

She stopped. "JD. Look -"

"Yes?"

"Don't you think you're moving a little fast? I know you love him and he says he loves you, but have you really thought about this?"

"Not really," I replied honestly, not feeling in the least bit concerned that I hadn't actually considered what I was doing, "and I don't need to. I know what you're going to say -"

"He has a son, JD -"

I nodded against the phone. "I know that."

"How are you going to explain to that little boy that his mommy and daddy aren't together anymore, but that instead he has another daddy?"

Surprise coursed through me: it was something I genuinely hadn't considered. "I... I don't know, but..."

Her tone was gentle, kind. "If you're really serious about moving in with Dr. Cox, you have to realise that this is what's on the table. You're not just taking a big step with Perry, JD, you're taking on the responsibility of a child too. You have to decide if it's really worth the emotional upheaval of that."

She was right, and it sucked. "I didn't think about Jack. At all."

"I understand," she said softly, generous in her lack of righteous tone. "But you need to. If you're not in this for the long-haul -"

"I am," I insisted, surer of that than anything else, "I am, Carla, I want to be with him for the rest of my life." The truth of those words hit me, yet another shock to the system. "I... I really do!"

I could hear the suppressed smile in her voice. "And I'm happy for you. I really am, JD, please don't think I'm not – all I want is your happiness."

"I know."

"But you need to decide if you want to be a dad, and if you're prepared for the difficulties that'll come with being in a gay relationship and taking on Jack."

Self-righteous anger filled me. "Are you saying there's something wrong with two men raising a child?!"

"No, no! As long as a child is loved and taken care of it doesn't matter who their parents are!"

I took in a calming breath, knowing I was using my own new panic about what I was taking on against her. "Right. Sorry. Sorry, Carla. I'm just kind of overwhelmed, I... I can't believe I never considered Jack in any of this. I'm such an ass."

"You're not," she stipulated kindly, "you were just excited."

"Mm."

"I do think you need to think about it, though," she pressed quietly, clearly a lot calmer than I was about the whole thing. "Just give it some thought before he gets back."

"I wish I was thinking as clearly as you."

She laughed. "I'll tell you one thing, though... even if you haven't considered it, chances are that he probably has."

This was true, if nothing else. "You're right."

"I know," she said breezily, "as usual." We were both silent for a few moments, pondering my predicament. "You want to pass me back to Turk?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure. I'll speak to you later, Carla."

"Text me, okay?"

I sighed. "I will. See ya." I passed the phone back to Turk, letting them finish their conversation in peace whilst I absent-mindedly continued to decorate the tree.

How had I not thought of it before? Dr. Cox loved his son more than anything, more than me, more than Jordan, more than the first scotch of a weekend... how had it not even crossed my mind that I was essentially taking on a son? It wasn't as if I thought Jack would see me that way, it was so complicated even to my own apparently adult mind that it was impossible to consider that the small head of Perry's child would think of me in that way... yet even as I acknowledged it I couldn't help but notice the slight buzz I felt at the idea of being a Dad, and a Dad to a kid I had seen on his very first day of living, one of the first. I knew I wasn't ready to have my own child brought into the world, but did that mean I couldn't be a sort-of father-figure to the son of the man I loved?

It baffled me.

Turk was suddenly beside me. "You okay, V-Bear?"

I forced out a laugh. "Y'know, I have no idea."

"Do you want to stop decorating?"

I considered the question, my eyes spanning the room that was already abundant with colour and sparkle; I had put my all in trying to make it look like a magical grotto, somewhere that Perry could walk into and feel like he was finally home... even if I would eventually decide that it wasn't to be mine. I swallowed.

"No. No, I'll keep going. You should probably get back to Carla, though."

Turk took my dismissal well. "Sure, no problem. I haven't even put up our decorations yet as she so pleasantly just reminded me."

I half-grinned, too distracted for it to be completely genuine. "Go do it. You don't wanna be in her bad books."

He pulled me into a bear-hug, patting me on the back. "Thanks for wanting me to be a part of all this, buddy. I know I was kind of weird about it at the beginning but -"

"It's okay," I intercepted, knowing it would be hard for him to say. "I'm glad you were here too."

X

I thought about it all a lot over the next few days. Christmas at the Turk household was great as ever, even if I was almost completely distracted; Carla had invited over Nurse Roberts and her husband for dinner, all five of us sitting around the table and a giant turkey, sharing funny Christmas stories from our childhoods and some equally horrifying ones from more recent years. We pulled crackers, wore the hats, took about a gazillion photos and ate far too much, opening gifts and drinking eggnog like it was going out of fashion – as we watched It's A Wonderful Life and settled in for the evening, I knew that I was content. This was life as I knew it, a traditional Christmas since starting at Sacred Heart and the sort of tradition I would find hard to leave behind.

Because I knew, as I smiled and posed for photographs wearing the new garish Christmas-jumper bought for me by Turk, that I would be starting a new tradition. I knew by the early hours of the next day, as I went to bed alone and stared at the ceiling with an odd buzzing in my ears, that I would be moving my stuff into Perry's apartment and taking on everything that came with it.

A text arrived just as I was drifting off, lighting up the room and making my heart leap out of my chest as the vibrations rattled against the bedside cabinet.

Perry (1:04am): It's late, but Merry Christmas. X

The kiss made me smile like a fool despite the shortness of the text.

Merry Christmas, Perry. XXX

Fully expecting that to be the end of it, I settled back down onto my pillows, only to find myself diving for my cell as it went off again.

Perry (1:11am): The massacre left behind from Jack opening presents is still being cleared up as we speak. He was weirdly delighted at the clementine at the bottom of his stocking. Was that you? X

I grinned into the darkness.

You said he'd been good this year. When I was a good boy, Mom would put a clementine at the bottom of my stocking. Sometimes a piece of coal too, just to mix things up. I used to cry if there was coal. XXX

Perry (1:29am): Don't you mean if you'd been a good girl? X

Har har. You're hysterical. I'm crying with laughter... XXX

Perry (1:33am): You're crying? At least I know nothing's changed. You still cry at nothing. X

Are you going to keep being horrible to me? You didn't even leave me anything to open, I'm heartbroken right now. XXX

Perry (1:40am): Was the key not enough? Maybe I should take it back if you're going to whine about it... X

NO! XXX

Perry (1:48am) I trust you're adhering to my rules? X

Of course I am! I'm hurt that you would think otherwise. XXX

Perry (1:56am): Good. I won't give you your other presents if you're lying to me, though. X

I have more presents?! XXX

Perry (2:07am): Maybe. Have you been a good girl this year? X

Depends on what you mean by good girl... XXX

Perry (2:13am): Good point. I can think of at least three things that would count as you being a very, very bad girl. X

A thrill went through me; god, he was WAY too far away for that sort of talk right now.

You're cruel. XXX

Perry (2:22am): I may have to punish you. X

COME HERE AND SAY THAT. XXX

Perry (2:30am): You'd like that, wouldn't you? X

I began to type a furious/horny/mushy text back until my phone vibrated again, another text popping up.

Perry (2:33am): Screw it – I'd like that too. Very much. X

My heart leapt in my chest.

You would? Do you miss me? XXX

Perry (2:39am): Don't make me say it, Newbie. X

SAY IT NOWWWWWWWW! XXX

Perry (2:45am): No. Go to sleep. It's late. Goodnight. X

He was so damned stubborn!

Fine, whateverrr. I'm crying and snotting everywhere now, because of you. XXX

Perry (2:51am): You disgust me. Goodnight, JD. Sleep well. X

I huffed, knowing I was probably beaten.

You too. I love you. XXX

X

When I woke up the next morning, I had three unread messages:

Perry (3:01am): As it's still sort of Christmas...

Perry (3:02am): I love you too. X

Perry (4:13am): I guess I miss you, too. X