A/N: This is a rewrite to an old story, I decided to change it around a little. Let me know what you think.

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, CBS does?

CH.1: ALREADY DEAD

Life was nothing if not cyclical; Spencer Reid was all the proof you needed. Here he was, alone again. It was almost as if he were a little boy, stuck at home with a mother who may as well not have been there at all, that was the overwhelming side effect of mental illness.

As a child he was abandoned by his father, and now as an adult, by his surrogate father. Gideon had left him to fight alone, with hardly any explanation as to why. It haunted him, kept him awake at night. How could he just leave me? Didn't he know what would happen if he left?

Another slip, it was always another slip. Every derailment was the one thing that could push him over the edge and back into a frenzy of drug use.

Truth be told, even with Gideon around, he had never been clean. But he was close, a hell of a lot closer then he was now.

But Gideon, for all his understanding and brain power, couldn't grapple the addiction, but then again, neither could he. Part of him wondered if he himself was what pushed Gideon away.

That was in the past now. Gideon was in his past, gone forever. The drugs were his present, they were all he clung to anymore. He had no doubt that drugs would be his future too.

Sick to his stomach as usual he filled the syringe with Dilaudid. His sickness was sweeping over him again, luring him back with their intoxicating powers. He no longer felt the slightest urge to put down the needle. It didn't matter how much he took, it was never enough, it never lasted.

If he took to much? Well it didn't really matter: he was already dead, and he knew it.