Unforgivable

"As I saw it everything was perfect," Garfield began, his tears finally slowing but never ceasing, "I had everything. A five year old doesn't need much to be happy: a home, a family, friends. My mom and dad lived where they worked; in the jungles surrounding the Congo River in the Équateur territory. They went as researchers and ended up getting married and raising me there, cliché huh?" He jested trying to lessen his pain, an action she approved so she gave a light hum as she stroked his hair to let him know she was with him. Her reward was a rise in his happiness causing warmth in her as if coat had been wrapped around her to shield her from the cold. "We even lived in one of the 'sort of' peaceful times there. I won't say the country was a happy one, Zaire, never was but the common people lived mainly free of violence and so did we."

"Zaire?" she asked in confusion, she was certain that wasn't the name he had used for the country before.

"That's what it was called until the end of the First Congo War. I never saw the fighting up close but I heard the fights going on from the jungle." The answer fit but the history of Garfield home was not the history she was truly interested in, it was his. She allowed him to see her displeasure through her stare, it was a strict action but this was too important to be lenient about. He nodded his acknowledgement of the warning before continuing.

"We lived next to a small village that surrounded the Congo River, north-east from Mbandaka. My parents had lived there since the seventies and my birth was as a full tribe member, even after turning green they still regarded me as one of their own children." Garfield tears intensified as he allowed his memories to surface,'So much pain. How did you hide this from me Garfield?'

"What happened Garfield?" she asked, encouraging him to continue. 'Don't let up Raven. This will allow his scars to heal in time.' Wisdom's voice trickled through her thoughts and she knew the all knowing emotion was right, but she had to constantly remind herself not to tell him to stop and hold him close until his cries ceased. "No matter the events that happened you were too young to possibly have any control in them." However, she knew what it was to lose everything and take the blame for it. To be the reason for your own misery and the suffering of your loved ones. That ever crushing burden caused by love.

"Always protect the ones you love from harm." The strength in the statement almost frightened her at how strong it proved Garfield's belief in it to be. He raised his hands to become lost in the memories once again and she knew the sentence was the root of the pain he found in his palms. "It was the one absolute rule my parents taught me, not out of strict discipline; it was their way of life, and it's my way of life, Rae." She simply watched in awe of Garfield as he said these words; it was all she could do. To realise how unbreakable his resolve could be to hate himself so much. "My dad saved me from certain death, Rae, even though everyone told him I would die from Sakutia. Only my mom believed in him, but I doubt he even needed that, he would have saved me anyway. My mom had already saved me from just dying at the hands of the ape that attacked me because it was finally dying from Sakutia. That's who they were, Rae: heroes."

"So are you Garfield," she finally cut in, needing to make him see some sense, "You risk your life night and day for people you don't even know, as well as the ones you love." Why couldn't he see what they all loved about him? What she loved about him?

Garfield's reaction was instant, as if he had finally reached a breaking point. "For my fifth birthday my parents took me for a boat ride down the river since my favourite game was to explore the shores for miles each way with my friends from the village. When we came back..." The hurt she felt within him was unreal, was this it? Was he finally trusting her with his pain? She kept quiet waiting for her answer, praying to Azar that he would show what she wanted to see; Garfield. "It was burning; everything was burning. Our home, the village, the surrounding jungle even the villagers themselves! I could see what looked like an army shooting the villagers, my tribe, and setting new fires. I simply froze and cried in fear; I just couldn't do anything else! My dad went to help the tribe, while my mom hid me from sight and told me to be quiet before following. I just remained frozen by my fear. I just watched as my whole world was burnt or shot in front of me."

For one instant relief and happiness flooded her entire being. 'HE TRUSTS US!' Nevermore proclaimed in unison and the meaning washed through her, soothing her, making her feel... warm... complete. It was only an instant. What Garfield was sharing with her was more important than her elation that he was willing to share it with her at all. Garfield was more important.

Garfield rose from her lap to sit and intensify his glare at his hands. His anger and sadness were rising by the second and as he continued to speak that sadness was laced into his voice. "Even when my mom stumbled back into my sight bleeding, I just stayed there! Frozen. I watched as he walked up behind her and shot her in the back, all I did was look into her eyes as she screamed at me to run! Then, I just ran! How could I just do that!? I let him destroy my whole world, while he laughed in front of me. I left my mom to die! I never even saw my dad again! I ran because I was too scared. I was scared because I knew I was too weak!" She did not even try to process a reaction, not yet, but Garfield would get one soon enough. This 'He' was certainly a crucial factor that needed to be addressed, especially since it was clear Garfield refused to give a name, but she needed to hear it all. If he was stopped now she was certain he would never be able to finish. "It was the first time I ever changed: my fear drove me to any resort to getaway, that's how weak I was! I tapped into my powers that bring me physical pain so I could run, even after that I still didn't try to save anyone I just kept running! And when I couldn't do that anymore I just sat down and cried into my palms."

How could he..? How dare he hate himself for this!? How dare he believe they, that she, would hate him for this!? To hate someone so innocent of sin for being rescued by those who loved him! She wanted to throttle the idiot sitting in front of her. If Garfield had still been the same annoying family goofball to her she probably would have and then carved the obvious truth that he refused to see onto his skin!

However, it was not Rage's battle cry that filled Nevermore now; it wasn't even a single emotion. What occupied the entire realm of her mind were cries. The tearful and unhindered cries of her emotions, she didn't even know exactly which ones but it had to be most of them. 'Why did you hide this Garfield? We would have all loved and comforted you then as I will now, but... HOW DID YOU HIDE THIS FROM ME!?' Her own thoughts screamed as she tried to contemplate how she had failed her comrade, her love, for so many years by failing to sense his wounds.

This inner conflict caused her to drop the sound barrier she had created after the alarm so that she could remain silent; Garfield wasn't finished yet. Although the tears were already escaping her eyes she needed to allow him to finish.

"My age has nothing to do with it! I can remember every detail of my hands on that night: the scratches from trees and earth, the natural lines. Every time I see my hands I see those details. Each one reminds me of the truth: I let the ones I loved die! I'm nothing but a weak mon-" Realising what Garfield was going to say changed her decision instantly; he could not and would not be allowed to finish that... that lie. She flung herself forward and brought an arm over his shoulder to clasp his mouth shut, while the other wrapped around his chest. She rested her chin on his shoulder and breathed in his scent and warmth, praying silently that he would listen to her.

"Do not finish that sentence." Her volume was barely above a whisper and she couldn't hide her tears in her tone. "Garfield, let me remind you of a truth. You were an infant; no infant is expected to even be able to protect themselves, let alone the ones they love. The ones they love, or rather the ones that love them, protect them. That's exactly what your parents did. From what you describe; it sounds as if they achieved this right up until their dying moment. Do not hate yourself, Garfield. Your mother gave her life for you, as I am sure your father did. I won't say it's something to be happy over, I am not happy my mother sacrificed her life for me, but I do not hate myself for her death. Do you know why?" Garfield finally turned to face her clearly surprised to hear her mention Arella, but every previous hold back she had over revealing her past to him was gone now; she trusted him absolutely. All she wanted now was to help him with his own past because it hurt more than anything to see how he was torturing himself, and she desperately tried to relay that desire to him through her eyes. "My mother wanted me to live. She did not hate me for what my conceiving and birth had brought her. She loved me enough to risk her life for me, as you all did. I can't say I don't feel responsible but I refuse to hate myself because of it."

"How could you hate yourself for that, Rae? If I was the one who lost my life for yours I wouldn't want you hate yourself for that, I'd just be happy that I died for something as good as that." Although the sincerity in Garfield's voice made her want to melt into his arms, it did not change any part of how stupid he was being.

"Stop being a hypocrite, Garfield. You are doing exactly that." she scolded, almost certain her powers were now acting on their own. She pulled his face towards hers and met no resistance until his forehead met her own and her chakra stone was softly pressed against her skull. They were now literally eye to eye. Garfield met her gaze and his eyes looked as if he were lost, but he wasn't afraid; he trusted her with his guidance. His tears finally stopped. 'Thank you.' "Your mother, your father, your tribe. They all died protecting the ones they loved. If that includes you then you should not hate yourself, you should enjoy living for them, not suffering. Just from what you said you should realize that is exactly what your mother wanted."

"Why-- would she want that? Why would any of them want that?" He whimpered still unable to see what she was trying to show him. "He even said I was part of the reason." So that was it the man Garfield had mentioned, the one whose name he seemed unable to name, blamed Garfield. "He killed them all because of me!" Garfield's tears began to fall again. "He told me he wanted me and the villagers wouldn't tell them where I or my parents were. He just came because of me. If I hadn't ever been there the village wouldn't have even been attacked. He may have even not hurt my parents if I hadn't survived Sakutia."

"STOP IT!" she yelled, unable to let him continue, her sadness overcoming her frustration in the sound. "Who is 'He'?" She tried the direct method hoping Garfield would allow her an answer; he refused. 'Stubborn ass!' she quickly lost her patience and began her point. "Even if you were part of a mad man's motive it doesn't make you responsible! Did you blame me for my father!?" Garfield flinched under her glare. "No! You did not! Did we blame Starfire for Blackfire's actions!? Did we blame Robin for Slade's persistent mind games!?" That one hurt him, but such tactics were the only options he had left her with. "Stop blaming yourself for something that you could not possibly control, please, Garfield. It doesn't make you weak or ugly." Droplets of water began to seep from her eyes again, she had no idea when they had stopped, but she couldn't hold them back anymore. She removed her forehead from his and turned her face downward, not wanting to show how much having to say that plea hurt her. Why did someone so pure need assurance that they were so? A half demon having to lecture the equivalent of an innocent child to not see themselves as evil without question; the irony.

Then a furry and clawed hand cupped her chin without so much as a possible scratch and raised her vision to look at something wonderful. The expression on Garfield's face was grateful and confident and more importantly he wasn't crying. "Don't cry, Rae, please. Otherwise I really won't be able to stop hating myself." Relief flooded her once again but now there was no catch to the cause; she had helped him."Can we save your second question for our next 'talk'?" She nodded in his hand not wanting to ruin this moment with a negative answer. "Thank you, tonight you have been a hero, or rather heroine, to me, Rae."

Then it happened. Garfield leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead, just above her chakra gem, ending her thought process.

She saw but didn't register that he swivelled, put on his boots and left her room without another word. She heard but didn't acknowledge the happy and excited screams of triumph in Nevermore. All that occupied her senses were the feeling on the spot he had kissed her and the burning blush on her cheeks.

She remained in this state for several minutes simply revelling in the sensations. Then she fell back onto her bed as the lamps, mirror, and several of her precious books exploded in a blast of aura, glass and paper.

"Garfield Logan," she whispered to the air, brushing her fingers over place his lips had touched, "You truly are...unforgivable." She wandered into her dreams with a grin 'BB' would have been proud of.

--

A/N: DEAR AZAR! This took a long time to write; two whole weeks in fact. Now I know the last update was ages ago but usually I only have to sit down for a few hours on 1-3 nights and I'm done but it's taken 2 weeks. Sorry for the long time and I'm really hope I haven't disappointed anyone (and I'm sorry for any OOCness too). Let me know any problems you have. The title and last dialect are meant as homeage too BB and Rae's bantering relationship, obviously she is happy about the kiss but she'll be holding him too it. The relief near the bginning is meant to represent how much Rae wants BB to trust her. 'Control' is going to take awhile to update since I'm not satisified enough with the most recent chapters so I'll be editing those but when I do update it'll be a double update so I beg for your patience. Please R&R/F.

P.S. No I didn't forget: MERRY CHRISTMAS! Now for my favourite carol

*achem* "Jingle bells,
Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg,
The Batmobile lost its wheel,
The Joker got awaaaaay!
Crashing through the roof,
In a one horse open tree,
Busting out I go,
Laughing all the wheeeee!"
~Taken from Batman: The Animated Series ep. "Christmas With The Joker"

Ahh, I love cartoons.

Repost/N: You're right Crazyman, thanks for pointing that out; it's been corrected.