Something wasn't right. I could feel it. What was it? Was there somebody going to attack me? Was one of my bumbling Koopa servants going to blow it and mess up big time (again)? Was that food I just ate going to give me food poisoning?

Ah.

That was it.

It was Peach. Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom. I hadn't kidnapped her in quite awhile, and after years of doing that stuff, you feel uneasy when you've left her alone for weeks on end.

Furthermore, there was the issue of Mario. Ever since that mustachioed little jerk popped up outta nowhere and rescued the princess, I've hated him. And whenever I thought of Peach, the wheels would start to turn, and slowly I would create another plan. And whenever it came to that, I always thought of how to annihilate that pesky plumber Mario once and for all. Usually, it was kidnapping the princess and luring Mario into a death trap. Needless to say, these had all failed. (Shut up--I can hear you laughing on the other side of the screen.)

Not only was Peach nice bait, but she was pretty, too. Very pretty. I tried to marry her on occasion, knowing full well Koopas and humans don't quite mix, but I'm evil. I do stuff like that. Unfortunately, some of my servants know about it and talk about it behind my backs. You don't want to know what I do with them.

Ah, yes, Peach would look good even in her old age….

Age….

Hmm….

Who would carry on the royal Koopa line when I was gone? I have not yet had so much as a girlfriend. (Not that I could--it would make all the other Koopa ladies jealous with my good looks.) No hope of a son. Adopting one came to mind. But I'm no one to raise a son. And I'm no one for walking into a place with a bunch of moron kids throwing toy trucks at me and goggling at me. But the more I thought about it, the more pleasant the idea became. I needed an heir.

So to the adoption center of the Koopa Kingdom I went.

"Lord Bowser?" the old Koopa lady asked me at the adoption center.

"Yeah, now shut up," I grumpily commanded her. "I feel like an idiot. Please make this quick. I need a son. Someone to carry on my royal line."

"Don't you have the Koopalings, sir?"

"They're bumbling idiots and not directly related to the throne. I want a son."

"May I have your autograph, sir?"

I slowly turned my head to the overweight Koopa, and that was enough to shut her up. Hastily, she led me into a room with a bunch of Koopas climbing around.

"Now, see," she started to explain, "we have quite a large selection of kids; toddlers, teenagers, wild, calm…which is your preference?"

Preference? I hadn't really thought. I didn't want a boring kid, that was for sure, and I wanted no rebellious teenager that would, no doubt, usurp my throne. I looked around the room. It didn't take me long to find the right one.

One of the Koopas looked just like a miniature version of me. He even had a tuft of red hair on his head. Presently, he was taking one of the other Koopa's toy trucks and breaking it in half, then smirking at the crybaby Koopa. He even ACTED like me when I was his age. We were perfect.

"I want that one," I told the Koopa lady standing beside me, pointing to that mischievous Koopa.

"The one sitting in a corner reading a book?"

"No, you fool. THAT one…where my finger is pointing."

"That…one?"

Why should she be surprised? We were meant to be. But I brushed it aside and continued with the adoption papers and whatnot. I smiled to myself as my new son and I walked back home. I finally had an heir.