A really goofy oneshot, my second attempt at House fanfic. Totally crack.
Thirteen and Kutner in an Elevator
"Morning Thirteen," Kutner said cheerfully as he entered the elevator behind her.
"Morning," she said, glancing over briefly.
They both moved to hit the 'up' button as the doors closed but Thirteen hit it first. She moved away from the panel of backlit buttons. The elevator began moving up slowly but after less than a minute there was a loud screeching noise and the elevator stopped.
"We can only be halfway to the next floor, what the hell is going on?" Kutner asked.
Thirteen rolled her eyes. "Great. We're stuck then aren't we?" She looked at him, sounding exasperated.
"I guess so."
Thirteen moved and hit the button that usually opened the doors, but the just made a grinding sound and didn't budge.
"Hey, who's in there?" someone called from somewhere around their feet.
"It sounds like Cuddy." Kutner dropped down to his knees. "It's Kutner and Thirteen," he called back.
"We're calling someone from maintenance, sit tight until we can get you out."
"Just fucking great," Thirteen muttered, plopping down on the floor and crossing her legs under her.
In the diagnostics room, three impatient doctors were wondering where their younger partners were.
"Maybe they stepped aside for a-"
"No that was Cameron and Chase's area. They don't even get along that well. It's unlikely they're in the same place," Foreman interrupted.
"Foreman's right, Taub," House said, leaning on his cane. "Highly unlikely Thirteen has lowered her standards that far."
"Should we go look for them then?" the shorter man suggested.
"They probably just both happened to oversleep," Foreman reasoned, looking at House.
"That would be a coincidence to destroy all coincidences."
The conference room door opened and Lisa Cuddy strolled in, looking extremely harassed.
"As I'm sure you've been speculating where Kutner and Thirteen are, they're stuck in our elevator," she told House.
"How long until they can get out?"
"It might be an hour, it might take all day. Depends on when those idiot maintenance people find someone who knows elevators."
"What if they run out of air?" Taub asked.
"Not likely," Cuddy said dismissively.
"Well this is an interesting development," House said as Cuddy left the room. "Two of our doctors are trapped in an elevator. What to do?"
"House we have a case," Foreman pointed out impatiently.
"I'm going to go talk to them and make sure they aren't lonely," House said, ignoring Foreman. "You two can go get a history on the patient."
"So did you really ask Amber out?" Thirteen asked after a few moments of awkward silence.
"Yeah. Legs that go all the way to Canada," he said emphatically. "I know you're a girl and all but you had to have noticed."
Thirteen blushed a little.
"What?" he asked, confused.
"Nothing," she said. She was still a little unnerved that Foreman (and House, presumably) had discovered her alternate sexuality. She relaxed a little, knowing that Kutner had definitely not figured it out.
"Okay," he said, his eyebrows raised a little.
"Hey! Hey! Can you hear me in there?" someone yelled obnoxiously from the other side of the elevator doors.
"We can hear you House, you don't have to yell," Thirteen said, rolling her eyes.
"How are you holding up?" He continued to yell as if he hadn't heard her.
"We're fine," Kutner said. "Why are you asking?"
"Well half of my team is stuck in an elevator, it makes things difficult!" he called exaggeratedly.
"We'll be out of here soon, don't you worry," Thirteen said sarcastically.
"Oh well. I'm going to lunch for a bit," House said.
"It's nine in the morning!" they heard Cuddy shout.
"Did I say lunch? I meant clinic duty."
They heard the click of his cane as he walked away.
"This sucks," Kutner said.
Thirteen nodded.
The silence stretched on for a couple of minutes.
"So why did you ask Amber out? She doesn't seem like your type," Thirteen said. It probably wasn't the best topic of conversation but she couldn't sit in perfect silence the entire time they were trapped in the elevator. "Other than the legs."
"So I have a type now?"
"Most people do. She just seems a little too harsh for you."
"She's a little to harsh for Wilson too."
"He's been married, what, three times? I think he can handle it."
"And I can't?"
"No offense, but you seem a little…doughy."
"Doughy?"
"You know. Soft."
"Well if you fried me up I'd make a killer donut," he said, laughing a little.
"But you'd still be soft, with the added component of sweet and terrible for waistlines."
"I've never heard you joke before."
"We're trapped in an elevator, taking things seriously wouldn't be in our benefit."
"Do you like Star Wars?"
Thirteen laughed a little. "I've seen them, but I wouldn't call myself a fan."
"That's a shame."
James Wilson was walking into his office, planning on enjoying a piece of toast he had brought in for breakfast, when his best friend snatched his hopes of the most important meal of the day.
"I was eating that," Wilson pointed out.
"Why just toast? And why at work? And why am I here before you?"
"I overslept and didn't have time to fix myself a proper breakfast, I was in a hurry, must I justify all of my actions with you?"
"CB didn't spring to making you breakfast in bed?"
"She doesn't cook."
"I didn't think so."
Wilson rolled his eyes. "Why are you not working on a case- you're here relatively early so I'm assuming you have a case."
"Two of my team are trapped in an elevator, I'm waiting for them to be freed to start really working on the case."
"So you have the rest of the team doing basic legwork while you stall?" Wilson asked as he sat down.
"I'd never do something like that!" House exclaimed, faking outrage.
"Right. So who's in the elevator?"
"Thirteen and Kutner."
"That should be so fun for her."
"I'm sure it is."
The clock had ticked off twenty minutes since they had been stuck. Other than Cuddy stopping to ask if they still had air, they were pretty much alone.
"So…what kind of girl do you think is my type, oh wise Thirteen?"
"Girls who like Star Wars, not manipulative, cutthroat bitches with legs up to the North Pole."
"Canada," he corrected.
"You're underestimating her I think."
"Are you…"
"No."
"Not even a little?"
"If I wanted to talk about it-"
"This isn't like whether or not you have Huntington's, it's a totally different slice of cheese."
"I'm not gay."
"Bisexual?"
She flushed a little.
"You give yourself away."
She rolled her eyes. "Well that's the secret. Are you happy?"
"That's not a secret. That's just a fact you don't announce. A secret would be that you're a brain-eating alien that's only come to Earth to get a robust male to impregnate you because all of the males of your species are sterile and you wish to start a super Alien-human hybrid race."
"I hope they get us out of here soon."
"Youaren't a-"
"No, Kutner. I am not an alien."
"Have you ever watched the Twilight Zone?"
"Yeah. I loved it as a kid. Used to watch it with my mom."
"The original ones right?"
"The ones from like the sixties? Yeah."
"What's your favorite episode?" he asked. It felt like the weird barrier had melted and they had clicked on a topic that might be able to carry them until the elevator was repaired.
She thought for a moment. "There was the episode with that talking Tina doll, I always got really scared when I saw that one. I couldn't play with dolls for weeks." She laughed. "But there's another. With a woman who's trying to 'look like everyone else' and 'everyone else' are these horrible disfigured people."
"Because it has some sort of underlying social commentary or something?"
"I think so at least. What about you? What's your favorite?"
"Gotta go with Nightmare at 20,000 Feet. Can't go wrong with Shatner."
"The one with the thing on the wing of the plane?"
"Yeah that one."
"Didn't they base a Simpsons episode on that?" Thirteen asked.
"Yes, they did. It was a short on one of the Treehouse of Horrors specials."
"Thought so. So how much longer do you think we'll be stuck in here?"
"Probably not too much longer. I hope. So hey. I have the entire original series on DVD, maybe you could come over and we could have a marathon or something?"
She pondered the offer, truthfully she had wondered when they had first gotten into the predicament when he'd start hitting on her. Of course, if the Twilight Zone was the only thing inspiring him to do so, she felt a little offended. Even if it was only Kutner. He had asked out Amber with a certain readiness and she had never displayed any interest in Star Wars or the Twilight Zone or science fiction. Maybe it was just the looks. But was Amber prettier than her? Probably, she thought.
He laughed a little. "Well get back to me on it. And bring the popcorn."
She nodded. "I will."
A Twilight Zone marathon with Kutner did sound appealing really. She could only imagine how fun it would be. The image in her head turned into a huge popcorn fight and then...
She grinned.
"What are you smiling about?'
"Nothing," she said, regaining her apathetic composure.
Kutner stared at her for a minute but decided against pushing the issue. Pushing issues with women usually resulted in being beaten up.
House, meanwhile, was standing in front of Wilson's desk, bothering his dear old friend while he tried to do a rather large pile of paperwork.
"How much longer is this going to take?" he asked no one in particular.
"No idea."
"How many idiots does it take to fix an elevator exactly?"
"Apparently, quite a few." Wilson continued to scribble his signature on things.
The door to Wilson's office swung open and Amber Volakis walked in.
"Amber!" House called in a falsely enthusiastic voice.
"Hi, Greg," she said smirking at him before turning a more pleasant smile on Wilson. "I thought we could get an early lunch," she told him. "So grab your coat and come on."
"Just let me finish these last few," he said.
"I'll just excuse myself then," House said, walking away.
Wilson looked up from his paper work. "Early lunch?"
"On the desk maybe?"
He laughed. "No really. Let's get out of here. House is bored and that usually results in my…suffering."
"Doesn't he have a case to work on or something?"
"Two of his doctors are trapped in an elevator, he feels this is a good reason to do nothing."
"Which ones?"
"Thirteen and Kutner."
"How long do you think until they crack?"
"They might've already, they've been in there since about nine this morning."
"How long have we been in here?" Thirteen asked. She wasn't wearing a watch.
Kutner pushed back his sleeve a bit and looked at his watch. "I think about an hour and a half."
"Dammit. How many idiots does it take to fix an elevator?"
"Apparently quite a few. But don't let them hear you saying that or they might just leave us in here until we run out of oxygen and die."
Thirteen rolled her eyes a little, but laughed all the same. "So what do you do in your spare time? Other than watch Star Wars and the Twilight Zone."
"Go see movies. Read books. I don't have a whole lot of time for myself. I occasionally baby-sit for Cole. Take the kid to the zoo and stuff like that."
"You and Cole are close?"
"I guess so, yeah."
"What made you want to be a doctor?" Now she was just fruitlessly trying for an interesting conversation. She had never been a big talker, but there was the potential of being trapped for several more hours so she felt that she was obligated to talk.
"No idea. I just woke up one day and said 'hey, I want to go to med school'."
"Okay. New question. Have you ever seen the movie Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle?" she asked.
"Don't tell me I look like Kumar, I get it all the time," he said with a laugh. "Yes I have. I like that movie. A lot."
"I figured you would. Have you ever gone on an adventure like that?"
"Are there any White Castles in New Jersey?"
"I'm taking that as a 'no' on the adventure."
"But I will someday, at least I'd like to hope I do."
"Well if you ever need a Harold..."
"Are you offering?"
"I was going to suggest Cole."
He looked a little disappointed. "Oh."
"Hey in there! You two still alive?"
It was House.
"We're fine!" Thirteen called back.
"I'm sure you are! Well according to Cuddy you'll be out within the hour! But I wouldn't rely on that information. But we can only hope."
"Right," Kutner said.
"Well, farewell!"
They both laughed a little as they heard his cane clicking against the floor.
"This sucks."
"It could've been worse, I think."
"We've wasted two hours in an elevator."
"I think it'd be worse if it was just you alone for two hours in an elevator."
"Why wouldn't it be worse if you were alone?"
He paused. "I can entertain myself."
"And I can't?"
"You can entertain me any d-" he started suggestively.
"I meant myself."
"Well you just don't seem like you're that easily amused."
"It pays not to be."
"Must be boring though," he said.
"Not really, no," she said defensively.
"Don't get defensive."
"I'm not getting defensive."
"Right."
"Just drop it?"
"I'm sorry for bringing up what a dull life you must lead."
"Kutner!"
"Sorry, sorry."
Thirteen remained quiet.
"So what's your real name exactly? Why haven't you told anyone it, at least?" he asked curiously.
She opened her mouth to reply and as she did a loud grinding sound drowned her out and the elevator finally moved upward. She grinned and jumped to her feet, he got up a little slower. She applauded as the elevator shuddered to a stop.
"Thanks for being good company," she said before the doors opened. Then she regained her professional composure and they both left the elevator.
They were greeted with a slow, sarcastic clap.
"Well,finally, I was getting so bored. Wilson and CB left for lunch and I just had nothing to entertain myself with," House said, sounding tearful. "Let's go."
They followed House back to the diagnostics room where Taub and Foreman were waiting with a file.
"Well finally," Foreman said under his breath.
"I am starving," Kutner said, sitting down and waiting for House to yell at them and call them idiots and worm odd diagnoses out of them.