Author's Note:Yes, I'm filching the title of Niel Gaiman and Terry Pratchett's awesome book. It seems fitting in this case. If I were to ever write an AU Lucifer/Taylor fic -- a what if he found out she was pregnant before he left? -- this scene would definitely be in it. Otherwise it's just an amusing little AU. Enjoy and review!

Good Omens

By: Silver Spider

"Taylor, this is... lame."

Lucifer Morningstar, the first of the fallen, was a master of the spoken word. One did not get a third of the heavenly host to follow him into battle without charisma and being with words. But at the moment, he was not sure what frustrated him more: the second rate horror movie Taylor had insisted on watching or his lack of creativity in expressing his less than enthusiastic opinion of it.

"Shh!" she held up a finger to her lips, eyes never once leaving the screen. "They're about to go down to the basement..."

"...where the stalker is waiting for them," he resisted the overwhelming urge to role his eyes.

"You told me you haven't seen this movie!" Taylor would have reached over to thwack at his shoulder if she could bend over her enormous pregnant belly.

"I haven't," the fallen angel defended. "But it's like every other B horror movie you've been so into lately. Remind me again how horror films fit into the stress-free life style you're supposed to be on until the baby is born?"

"Horror movies are mindless and 100 predictable," Taylor explained. "Nothing to stress over."

"Romantic comedies are mindless and 100 predictable," Lucifer rebuffed.

"Are you kidding?" she looked genuinely surprised. "I ball at mid-movie breakup scenes even without pregnancy hormones. No, horror movies are much safer."

"How about we skip the movie tonight?" he took the remote from her, clicking the TV off, and placed it on the coffee table as far out of her reach as possible when she protested. To pacify her, he lifted her feet into his lap and began to rub them. "Is there anything you need?"

"The remote back," she flared at him, but he only laughed.

"You really are a product of American culture," he chastised her teasingly.

"Don't give me the people-lived-for-thousands-of-years-without-it speech," she warned him. "Unlike you, I'm perfectly happy to live up to all the clieches about me and my culture."

"Yeah, well, your clieches don't paint you with red skin, cloven hooves, and horns."

"Don't forget your pitchfork."

"Trident," he retorted sharper than he meant to.

"If you weren't such a nice person, we might all be in real trouble," she laughed.

Lucifer was about to say that if he really was a nice person, everyone might be enjoying life in paradise right now, but decided that the moment was too good to spoil with something so dark. Instead a lopsided grin tugged at the corner of his mouth.

"I think," he said slowly, "these movies are having a detrimental effect on me. I feel the dark side calling."

"Ah you're not getting away with cheap Star Wars references, Lord Vader," she informed him. "If we can't watch my movie, we can't talk about yours either."

"How should I entertain you then?" Lucifer absently ran a palm over the swell of her belly and felt the child move within. Soon, he thought, smiling affectionately. Very soon, little one. Be a little more patient.

As if responding to his thought, the child kicked at the skin directly beneath his hand. Apparently he did not appreciate being told what to do. Lucifer laughed out loud, and Taylor smoothing her long nightshirt over the swell.

"I think the baby knows you," she said.

"Of course he does," the Morningstar grinned, allowing himself to feel more pride than he had in ages without the least bit of guilt. "My son and I have an understanding."

"Sure you do," Taylor rolled her eyes. "Except that your son might not be your son at all."

Lucifer frowned. "What does that mean?"

"It means it could be a girl," her tone was one of an adult pointing out the absolute obvious to a small child.

"Is that all? Trust me, it's a boy," her lover assured her.

"Is that some angel magic power talking or just plain male ego?" she challenged.

"Suit yourself," Lucifer shrugged. "You'll find out soon, anyway."

Taylor bit her lip and gave him a hard look.

"It's really a boy?"

The Morningstar nodded with a smile.

"Why did you tell me that! Didn't it occur to you that I want to be surprised!"

"No," he replied, "it didn't, because I know you want to decorate the nursery. I also know you despise pink."

"Oh, I don't know," she pretended to think. "Cotton candy colored clouds with little fat cherubs frolicking everywhere could be kind of cute. I could even tell the baby that that's what angels really look like."

"If you want to traumatize the boy, and me with him."

"You're really enjoying this, aren't you? Like... Henry VIII or something."

"That's not very faltering," Lucifer admonished. "Especially since I knew Henry, and I can tell you for a fact that we had nothing in common. Well, maybe taste for a bottle of good 1480."

Now it was Taylor's turn to laugh.

"But, really," his voice turned serious. "I would have been equally happy if it was a girl. I just want you both to be safe and healthy. The fact that the baby is a boy is just that; a fact, nothing more."

She nodded thoughtfully and wrapped her arms around her belly. She was more than aware of her child, especially after she felt him move for the first time early in her second trimester, but somehow knowing the gender made the whole situation more real for her. Suddenly, Taylor could clearly see a little boy trotting along the grass in the back yard, chasing Brandy as best as he could, laughing and clapping his little hands. He'd look like his father, she decided, but also like her. Maybe he'd have her smile.

"So now that we know," she shifted position on the couch, "what are we going to name him?"

"Humm," Lucifer mused. "Perhaps after one of my brothers?"

"Oh no," Taylor made a face. "I can't even pronounce half the angel names you've mentioned. Besides, no offense, but most of them sound weird. He'll be teased."

"Michael and Gabriel are not weird names."

"Michael's too common, and Gabriel sounds too... pretty. No offense," she looked up at the ceiling, as if speaking to the archangel.

"Luke?" the Morningstar suggested.

"The apostle?"

"Ah... sure..."

"You were thinking of Star Wars again, weren't you?"

"I just wanted to get that in before you decided to name our son Damien," Lucifer pointed at the stack of horror movie VHSs. "Because, I promise, that joke would get very old very fast."

Author's End Note: Ah I'm amused! I watched both Star Wars and the Omen recently. Also, my friend, Chris, and I got into a similar argument about horror movies. He's a huge fan of every single cheesy slasher out there while I think they're totally stupid. happy sigh I really wish I can find the motivation to write a full Lucifer/Taylor AU fic. Review and send me ideas!