Title: Awakening
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Seth/Ryan
Summary: Sometimes there's no going back to the lines we've crossed. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Seth/Ryan. Angst. Boy love. Sarcasm.
This story has been made possible by my wonderful beta, Dom, and viewers like you! Your continued support makes such endeavors possible!
Awakening
My heart's a liar.
"It's a long story."
"Since when has that ever stopped you?"
"I just don't want to talk about it, Ryan."
Ryan frowned. Seth ignored his look of concern and proceeded to his room.
Carla should have been perfect for him. She was smart, funny, pretty, and had a moderate knowledge of comic books. She should have been perfect for him, but she wasn't. She wasn't and neither were Amber, Liz, Heather, Jill, or Josie.
A surprising amount of thought went into Seth's date list. He only dated girls that were funny, outgoing, and involved in the same things he was. They all had dark hair, dark eyes, and pale skin. They were all exactly what he wanted, except for one teeny, tiny, little problem.
After each date, Seth would drive the girl of the night home and they'd sit in his car and talk for awhile. Inevitably, someone would lean in and lips would meet, sometimes passionately, sometimes lightly, and, inevitably, Seth would begin to wish he was anywhere but where he was. He'd feel sharp nails graze the skin on his cheek and he'd wince, wishing they were rough fingers with bitten down nails. He'd feel soft curves under her clothes and wish to feel a leaner, stronger body. He'd look into brown eyes and see blue; caress pale, smooth skin and see stubbly, tanned skin beneath his fingers.
It wasn't that he wasn't attracted to the women he dated, because he was, very much so. But every night, they would kiss and all he could do was wish for them to be the one person he hated to want. He'd walk them to their door, decline the offer to go in, and drive off to a nearby park and try to figure out what the hell was wrong with him.
But that was the problem. He already knew.
I can't seem to shake this awful feeling.
"It's not going to work."
"Well, duh, dude. She's an idiot."
"Thanks for the support, Seth. I'm going to bed."
Seth watched Ryan leave. There were times to follow Ryan, and times to let him sulk alone. Generally, Seth ignored the latter but tonight he sensed that would be a bad idea. Besides, he had some thinking to do himself.
In his room, Ryan sank into his desk chair. Seth was right. Dammit, why did he always have to be right? Edie was an idiot. She was shallow, vain, catty- all the things he hated in woman, but still, that "type" seemed to really work for him lately. He hated that about himself, but he hated what was driving him to it even more. He pushed down the recognition of his motivation.
He knew that every time he went out with a girl like Edie, Seth stayed home, called Summer, and tried to figure out what was wrong with him. Ryan knew Summer was perceptive, he just hoped he had underestimated her talents in that particular field.
Every date was the same. Every vapid comment was drowned out by its sarcastic counterpart ringing in his ears. Each "like" was replaced with "dude." And Ryan all but had himself convinced that Grey's Anatomy was a comic book. He groaned and hit his head on the desk. He was losing it.
No, no he wasn't. He would be fine as long it was a smooth, thin thigh he ran his hand up, not a sharp, bony arm. He would be alright as long as every mouth he kissed was attached to a tan, made-up visage and not a pale, angular face. He'd be alright as long as he could stop wishing for a lanky body, awkward movements, and obscure band t-shirts.
He hit his head on his desk again. He tried to push out the memories of the disastrous evening. He certainly hadn't been pretending Edie's eager kisses were the slow, tentative kisses he imagined. He definitely hadn't wished for all-too-experienced caresses to be replaced with gentle, passionate touches.
She was no genius, but it didn't take her long to realize he wasn't into her. By the time Ryan dropped Edie off at her dorm, he was positive that he was definitely not alright.
All I know is we were lost boys.
"You boys have been awfully quiet this weekend. Is everything alright at school?"
"What? Oh yeah, mom, everything's been fine."
"Just lots of work."
"Yeah. College. It's hard."
Ryan shook his head and muttered something that sounded like 'thank you, captain obvious,' and Seth poked his side. Kirsten smiled at them. It might have been small, but at least they weren't acting like unfeeling pod people anymore. She and Sandy had been worried. At every visit she noticed they were growing increasingly more quiet and distant, even from each other. Summer had told her that Seth went through girls like old comic books and Ryan had developed a taste for cheerleader types.
Kirsten had been puzzled by this information. The last time either of her boys had done something shocking was when Seth made the spur-of-the-moment decision to go to Berkeley, instead of Brown. She'd assumed that it was because of Seth and Summer's break-up. He wouldn't want to be alone on the east coast, so obviously being with Ryan would be his second choice.
Ryan would have been her first choice for Seth; they hardly ever fought and Ryan was much more predictable and stable then Summer. She had had no doubts that college would, if anything, make them closer friends. She questioned her unfailing logic now. Obviously there was some sort of problem between the two. What had happened while they were away that made them act more like roommates and less like friends?
Sandy nudged Kirsten's arm with his own and she looked up into his concerned eyes. She realized she'd been caught up in her own thoughts and since she'd been the main source of conversation, everyone noticed. She smiled at Sandy reassuringly.
"So, Seth, tell me about your Percy Shelley paper; he's one of my favorite poets…"
But the water keeps on falling from the sky.
"Every time we come back here it seems a little less like home."
Ryan looked up to see Seth leaning against the door, hands in his pockets, looking more relaxed than he had in weeks. He looked down at where his feet lay floating in the water of the pool. He wiggled his toes and watched the ripples. Finally, he looked back up at Seth and nodded consent.
"We never talk anymore," Seth said the words so softly Ryan barely heard him. He sat down on the edge of the pool beside Ryan. He put his feet in the water and watched it spread out around them in concentric circles. He was consciously aware that if he moved his hand no more than two inches to the right it would be on top of Ryan's. He willed himself to move it, but it lay paralyzed at his side
Ryan turned to face him and Seth's stomach clenched painfully. He took in a deep breath and tried to keep his heart from beating out of his chest. Lately, whenever Ryan looked at him, he fell apart. All it took was one glance and Seth would have willingly done anything Ryan asked. He would have danced naked through the library singing Journey songs, if only Ryan would ask him.
He couldn't meet Ryan's gaze. Every time he looked at him, he wanted to touch him, kiss him, hold him. It felt like betrayal. He was supposed to be his friend; he shouldn't want to do these things. And so he pulled away. Ryan would push a little, and Seth would draw back. He realized now that doing so had cost him best friend status, although Ryan would never say so. His chest tightened and it wasn't just his demotion to roommate that made it difficult to breathe.
"Seth..." his name was drawn out and every letter was pronounced carefully, like Ryan was tasting it for the first time.
Seth attempted to respond, but his words caught in his throat. He reached his hand up to brush a stray piece of hair off Ryan's cheek, but realizing what he was about to do, he quickly put his hand back down on the ground between them. His heartbeat raced and he could feel sweat beading on his neck. He hoped Ryan hadn't noticed his freak arm seizure.
Ryan looked back down at the moon's reflection on the pool. Seth knew that whatever he had been about to say was now between him and the water. He sighed. So this is what his life had become. He and his best friend couldn't even carry on a conversation anymore. He kicked at the water and watched it hop into the center of the pool. Frustration coursed through his veins and he felt edgy. He needed to talk to someone.
Heaven knows, I try to find a cure for the pain.
"I think I'm in love with Ryan and you have to help me."
"It's lovely to see you back from Berkeley, Cohen. Would you like to come in? Have some tea, crumpet, strudel…?"
"Sarcasm doesn't suit you."
Summer rolled her eyes. "It's contagious. I caught from you. You have no one to blame but yourself for who I've become," she paused. "And if I'm going to help you with your man-crush, it won't be outside. Come in." Summer took Seth's arm and led him into the living room closet to the foyer. He sat, hesitantly, on the edge of the couch. She sank into the armchair beside him.
"So why do you need my help?"
"Because you're Summer… You fix things- like Chrismukkah."
"So what, exactly, needs fixing?"
"Me."
"Because you love Ryan?"
"I said 'think.' And yes."
"So tell him. Glad you stopped by. See you at Easter."
"Wait- that's it?"
"Well, you did break my heart for no reason and went to Berkeley to become a manwhore, which, I suppose, was just a ploy to ignore your big gay urges. It's a lot easier to pretend I don't still hurt, just a little, when you're in California and I'm in Rhode Island and our medium of communication is a cell phone and MySpace. It gets sort of hard when you're in my living room asking me to help you hook up with your brother."
Seth sat silently, stunned. "I never knew you felt that way."
"Well, you never really asked."
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
"And I'm not a manwhore," Seth said indignantly. "And Ryan's not my brother."
"I've heard all about all of your conquests, Cohen."
"Ryan?"
Summer nodded. "He was worried about you."
"He didn't seem all that concerned."
"You've always been oblivious, but this is a new low for you. Of course he's concerned about you. You date the same girl for years and, suddenly, you've got a different girl every week. Don't kid yourself, Cohen. He really cares about you. You've only been friends for about twenty years."
"Just four."
"It's long enough to know he cares. I would think that all the beatings he took in high school to save your scrawny ass would be more than enough proof for you."
"He would have done that for anyone. For you, or Marissa, or even Luke…" Seth trailed off and Summer placed her hand on his knee.
"You've never even considered that Ryan might actually feel the same way?"
"He doesn't."
"You're an idiot, Seth."
"You don't know he does. I won't risk ruining out friendship because I can't keep one stupid thing to myself."
"Seth," Summer replied as she squeezed his knee. "You're already ruining your friendship. If you don't tell him… You'll regret it."
Seth looked at his feet. He hadn't expected this conversation. He expected Summer to talk him out of this, to talk some sense into him. He had come here hoping Summer would convince him he didn't love Ryan, but all she did was make him even more doubtful about his ever-failing friendship.
"Seth? He does love you, even if it's not the way you want him to. If you ever want your friend back, you can't keep this from him. You'll just keep pulling away and then you won't have any part of Ryan."
"No other option?"
"Constant pain. Eternal loneliness."
"I want a second opinion."
"Talk to your mom. She runs a match-making business, I'm sure she can help."
"Oh, that'd go over well. 'Hey Mom, do you think you could set me up with my brother? I love him in a big, gay way.' No thanks."
"What about your dad? He gave you sex tips, didn't he?"
"Oh God, seriously? Are you even trying anymore?"
Summer smiled. "I already told you what I think and anyone with sense would tell you the same. You tell him, or you live with it, and I don't think you want to spend the rest of your life with this hanging over you."
"I suppose," Seth sighed and leaned back into the couch. "I wish it were easier."
"It is easy. You just say, 'Ryan, I love you.' See, four words is all it takes. Three, if you don't say his name."
"It was easier to tell you."
"Of course it was. You loved him then too, not me," Summer's words are jovial, but her eyes convey her seriousness.
"No, not then."
"Yes, then. Yes, always."
Seth nodded slowly. "I thought it'd be easier if he was around all the time, you know? I thought we could go back to being friends if you and Marissa weren't around. But that was stupid. Now I'm too anxious to even be in the same room with him."
"Well, logic's never been one of your assets."
"Thank you, Summer."
"For insulting you?"
"For all… For this. Thanks."
"Oh, no problem. I love helping ex-boyfriends with their big, gay problems."
"Oh, so Zach's been here, too?"
Summer just laughed and squeezed his hand.
All I know is you're a time bomb, baby. You're ready to explode.
"I can't believe I almost told him!" Ryan yelled to the empty pool house. It doesn't matter that he never actually said it, because he's sure that Seth knew what he wanted to say anyway. He's at Summer's now, probably trying to figure out the best way to get rid of a big, gay roommate.
Ryan sighs. He's never considered that angle before- that he's gay. He doesn't think he is, because it's just Seth, it's only ever been Seth. He wishes he could just tell him that.
"I love you," he said to the quiet room. "Please love me too."
My love goes free.
Seth stood out by the pool at 2 am the next morning. He was still fully dressed and his gaze never vacillated from the full moon hanging in balance around the stars. It never wavered, just stared back at him unblinkingly. He wanted it to blink so he could go inside, to his own room, and try not to dream about Ryan.
"Seth?"
A groggy voice pulled him away from his staring contest with heavenly bodies. Oh God. Not now. Not Ryan.
"I'm just…" Seth trailed off and vaguely motioned to the pool and the night sky. Ryan's brow was furrowed in sleep and confusion. "You should go back to bed, Ry, you look exhausted."
Ryan tried not to feel his heart leap. There was a time when such a comment wouldn't have even registered as concern, but he was going to take what he could get now that he and Seth had become strangers.
"You too," he said sleepily. He breathed in the fresh, night air and contemplated what he was about to do. He pulled the door to the pool house open further and motioned for Seth to come inside. Seth looked like he was about to turn and run the other way, and Ryan wouldn't have blamed him, but instead he nodded, smiled, and walked through the open door.
Ryan entered behind him and shut the door. He sat on the right side of the bed and Seth slowly made his way to the other side. Seth didn't know why he felt so apprehensive. It's not like they hadn't slept in the same bed before. Of course, it had always been in platonic ways where they'd just been up too late studying or watching movies and one was too lazy or too tired to go to his own room. But it's been a few months since that happened and things had changed considerably.
Seth pulled his shirt off and didn't even try to remove his jeans. His hands were shaking too hard to even attempt navigating the zipper. He pulled back the covers and slowly climbed beneath them. Ryan turned the lights off and they lay there, scared to move, scared even to breathe.
"You've never even considered that Ryan might actually feel the same way?"
Now was not the time Seth wanted Summer's words in his head, but there they were, resonating in his ears. What if that explained why Ryan spent half his time with blonde whores and the other half silently sulking in his room? What if this explained Ryan's concern for Seth's dating habits?
It made too much sense. Seth wanted to ignore it, but there it was, still. He shook his head to clear it and shifted it a bit. His hand grazed Ryan's. He froze.
His gut told him he should move his hand away.
But he didn't.
Instead, moving much more calmly than he felt, he took Ryan's hand in his own and intertwined their fingers. He noticed his hand had stopped shaking and he took that as God's blessing. He held his breath until he realized Ryan wasn't going to pull away or ask him to leave.
It took Seth a moment to register that Ryan was holding onto his hand too.
It would be a lie to run away.
Seth woke up when the sun broke across his face, bright and illuminating. It took him a moment to remember where he was and why he felt so comfortable. As he gained consciousness, he realized he was in the pool house and it was Ryan's head on his shoulder and his arm across his chest that made him so warm. Seth had his arms wrapped loosely around Ryan. He allowed himself to relax back into the pillows.
Ryan began nuzzling his shoulder and Seth took that as a sign that he was waking up. He was still debating whether or not he should pretend to be asleep when Ryan looked up at him with brilliant blue eyes, shadowed by sleep, and said, simply, "hey." It made sense to just say, "hey," back and Ryan pulled himself closer to Seth's chest.
Seth's mind was surprisingly clear, but, obviously, his body hadn't gotten the memo to chill out, because his heart was pounding and he could feel his palms begin to sweat. He ignored the signals his body was sending him and he unwrapped his arm from where it lay around Ryan's waist. He slid his hand over Ryan's smooth skin on his cheek and under his chin so he could raise Ryan's face up to him. He claimed his lips in a chaste kiss.
Seth pulled back quickly afterward, suddenly aware of the enormity of what he'd just done. Ryan's eyes met his. He looked surprised, but pleased. He smiled a sleepy lopsided smile at Seth. He pulled himself up so he was leaning over Seth. He ran his fingers down Seth's neck and onto his collar bone.
The second kiss was not chaste, but a hungry clash of teeth and lips yearning to be forgiven for four years of unrequited love. Hands were in hair and touching skin and the sunlight across the bed was nothing compared to the ardor between them.
Seth pulled back, slowly, lungs screaming for air. Ryan rested his forehead on Seth's, breathless and smiling.
"I love you," Seth managed, still gasping for air.
Ryan responded by placing soft kisses along Seth's jaw until he reached his ear. "I love you too," he whispered.
What are we, if we're not in love?
The doorbell echoed in the quiet house. Kirsten hopped up from the couch and hurried to the door.
"Hi, Mrs. Cohen! Is Seth here?"
"Hi, Summer. He's up in his room. I think he's still I asleep; I haven't seen him around. Actually, I haven't seen him or Ryan yet today…" Kirsten moved to the side and Summer stepped through the threshold.
"I'll just go wake him up then."
Kirsten smiled and nodded and returned to her coffee in the living room.
Summer climbed the stairs and strode down the familiar hallway. Without knocking, she pushed the door open. "Cohen, you'd better get your lazy ass out of bed because…" she trailed off, looking around the room. Empty. His bed was neatly made, something Seth never did. "Cohen?" Summer stepped back into the hall and pretended to look around. She already had a pretty good idea where to find Seth.
She smiled and started down the stairs.
"I think Ryan has a book I need to borrow, Mrs. Cohen. I'm going to step out back to the pool house…"
Oh this feels strange and untrue, but I won't waste a moment without you.
I'm so very proud of this fic. I just thought you should know. :)
Thanks for reading!
None of the song quotes (in italics) are mine. 1, 2, 3, 6 are from selected songs on My American Heart's album, "Hiding Inside the Horrible Weather;" 4, 5, 7, 8, 9 are from selected songs on Jon Foreman's EPs "Fall" and "Winter;" 10 is from Snow Patrol's song, "Open Your Eyes."