Review or I will not update. Kinda dark, Enjoy!

He's the reason I cry myself to sleep sometimes, why I feel so scarred. He never knew, will never know why I act this way. Sure she's beautiful and smart and perfect, but she's not me, and I hate her. Selfish? Me? Maybe, but I can't control how I feel. It's because of her I have these scars on my wrists, why I bleed to make myself feel worth it. Because of them.

I once thought he cared. Wrong. How wrong I was. He didn't care, never cared. Never. My cheeks, so familiar now to the presence of tears. Still they flow down the same path as before. The phone rings and makes me jump, I pause with the razor above the welcoming vein on my arm and pick it up.

It's him. Not aware what I'm doing or what I've done or why. Not knowing how I felt about him, about her. He talks like nothing is wrong, like I'm indifferent to the matter.

"Hey Lily,"

"Oliver. Yes?"

"Kate, Miley and I are heading to the beach, do you want to come with?" I felt a yearning for the friendly razor on the sink's edge in the bathroom, but I resisted for time being.

"No not particularly."

"Come on Lil. We haven't seen you for ages. Outside school anyway."

"No really, I'd rather not."

"If you don't come and meet us, we'll get you ourselves." I heard Kate say in the background Yea come on Lily I cringed at the sound of her voice.

"Fine." I hung up on him and went back into the bathroom. I sat on the closed toilet seat and took the razor back in my hand. I made a smooth slit in my arm and felt all my sufferings temporarily leave me in a rush of pain and crimson.

After I stifled the bleed I pulled a clean, long-sleeved shirt over my head and some short shorts on replacing my Bermuda ones. My legs looked close to wonderful this time of year, my arms, different story. In the wall mirror I saw how pale I was. White. Ghostly. I didn't care. I put my hair up in a messy bun and stared at my reflection, I was not ugly. Not beautiful. No, not ugly though. Never ugly. Right?

A knock sounded downstairs. Them. They did not think I would show up. Didn't believe me when I said I would. Well then. To the beach.

"Ready?" Oliver's gorgeous smile greeted me at the door, my stomach flipped when I saw it. And stiffened when I saw Kate. Miley smiled and waved at me and I warmly returned the notion.

"I suppose" He looked oddly at her shirt.

"Lily, it's pushing 100° outside, you should change your shirt.

"No, it's all I've got clean." yes good excuse, good.

"Whatever. Let's go." He turned and walked away with his arms around Kate's shoulders, I grimiced and made a point to walk 10 feet behind them with Miley. She looked into my face conceredly.

"What?!" She jumped slightly when I snapped at her.

"Nothing, geez. It just you look pale as death.."

"Well sorry."

"Are you okay?" I thought a minute at what to say to her. Finally, just as we reached the beach, I stopped walking, looking at the back of Oliver's head as he walked with Kate.

"No, I am not." I turned and walked away. I could tell she had followed my gaze to Oliver then looked back at me as I walked on.

I reached my house and stormed up the stairs, slamming my bedroom door behind me. I ran into the bathroom and rolled up my sleeve. And took the razor out of the cabinet. I held it above my precious skin and touched lightly to it. As I was about to cut, the doorbell rang downstairs and made me jump. The blade, so sharp and precious, cut deeper than before, cut deep in my arm.

The pain was more extreme than before. The blood gushed more from my wound than before . I heard downstairs my mothers voice telling him to go up, that I should be in my room. I stumbled into my room, blood dripping onto the carpet, tried to lock the door, but felt light headed and fell onto the floor. I sat upright aginst my bed and watched blankly as the blood dripped down her arm, caressed it lovingly.

I heard his footsteps on the stairs, the on the landing. I looked expressionlessly at the door as his steps approached. I grabbed a pillow off my bed and covered my bleeding arm with it, just as he came in.

He took one look at me, and knew something wasn't right. I could feel the little color I had left in my face draining, I saw his eyes widen as he spotted my hand began to shake.

"Lily? Are you alright? You left so quickly, Kate and Miley will be here soon and…what's wrong? " I said nothing, I wanted him to lave me alone. He couldn't see me like this. No he could not. I felt myself weaken more still, so much blood, more, more than before. The pillow slipped from my grip and fell, blood-stained to floor.

I don't think I have ever seen Oliver so white. His eyes so wide. He took a step back from me, his mouth slightly open.

"Oh God Lily, what the fuck did you do?!" I didn't answer, my face was expressionless. Then he yelled; "MRS. TRUSCOTT!" He bent down and ripped back my sleeve, and paused for a moment and stared at the scars old and new. He then ripped part of the whits sheet on my bed and wrapped it tightly around my wound. I winced in pain, still feeling the blood gush from my arm underneath the makeshift bandage.

I grabbed his arm as tight as I could and said in a kind of high innocent voice; "Why couldn't you love me?" My mother burst through the doors followed by Miley and Kate. And I heard them call 911 as I saw blurs all around me, then all was dark.

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