A/N; Wow! It's been forever since I've felt the muse for Redwall fic come calling. Actually, not forever, almost ten years to be precise. Part of me kind of wishes I could be a fly on the wall when the alerts that this story has updated get read. Anyway I digress. To new readers, welcome. To old readers, welcome back. Relax, pull up a chair, and enjoy.

6.

The Reunion Episode

"This is where Daddy and a bunch of his old friends fought off a huge army of really mean trolls. There were lots of really big explosions. Hey! What's this?"

Something under the grass caught Rector's eye. It was a can of Spam. Once the tin of meat-like product had caused a host of self-replicating bullies to appear out of nowhere. The magic that had allowed that to happen had long since disappeared. Still, it was a fun memento. The mouse held it out to his daughter, a young otterbabe who grinned up at him and waggled the object back and forth in her baby paws. She squealed in delight as a grin broke on her face. Rector looked fondly down at his daughter. That was until an Otherpath pocket opened up beside him and another female otter, this one an adult unlike the babe at his feet, all but stormed out towards him.

"Rector!" It looked like she was more annoyed that angry as she stepped out onto the field. Or at least both the author and Rector hoped so. "So this is what you do all day? Need I remind you that the floor still needs to be swept and there's a ton of dishes that are piling up on the counter?"

"I know honey," Rector told his wife with a cheeky grin to his face. "I'll get to them. But Rosemary was getting bored just sitting on the carpet gnawing on her blanket, so I thought I'd spice things up a bit."

"You call dragging Rosie through time, space, and the multi-verse of fandom spicing things up? You don't even have a TARDIS! What would have happened if something went wrong?"

"Daphne, it's all in good fun." Rector went over and set his paws gently on her shoulders. "Besides, even though I don't have a TARDIS, I did a least remember to bring a towel." He reached into his Bag of Tricks and produced the towel in question.

Hilariter: So that's why you were asking about all that. But really did you really have to drag our daughter into this whole crazy thing?

warrior4: It'll be just this one time, I promise.

Hilariter: rolls her eyes At least you didn't use my real name.

While Rosie the otterbabe continued to play with the can of Spam, Daphne took a look around. "So these are the Otherpaths," she commented.

Rector looked around fondly. "Yup, sure are. Lots of good times to be had around here back in the day."

Daphne cocked an eyebrow at her husband. "You mean back when you were one of the most popular writers in this fandom?"

Rector put a paw to his chest and adopted a shocked expression. "Me? Perish the thought m'dear. That wasn't me, it was my humble writer." At this Rector turned and in a very Deadpool-like, 4th wall breaking moment, winked, fired a finger gun, and clicked his teeth at the author, who responded in kind.

"Uh huh," Daphne deadpanned. "You do realize that you two are one in the same right?" It was as if she could see his ego start to inflate around him.

"Hey! It's not my fault everyone liked my stories so much. I even got an award for Winter's Flowers. One of the highlights of my fic writing career." At this Rector reached up and pulled down a random window shade. When he let go of the shade it rolled up to reveal an award certificate that proudly deemed his old fic to be the winner of a Martin and Rose fic writing contest.

Daphne was still unimpressed. "Right, and how long has it been exactly since you've written in this fandom?"

"Almost a decade by now," Rector replied.

"That's just my point. Do you really think that anyone in the current fandom will remember you? Or what about the other authors who you used to hang out with in here? They've all probably moved on to other projects or other fandoms. Kind of like you." While she was talking Daphne had pulled a pair of binoculars out of her purse and was peering at an object in the distance. When she had it in focus, she handed them over to Rector.

When he brought the binoculars to his eyes Rector saw the outline of grey office building in Scranton, Pennsylvania. A familiar couple were sitting in lawn chairs and enjoying grilled cheese sandwiches on the roof and seemed to be plotting something.

Rector was unperturbed. He was also proud that his wife had managed to get the hang of the world of the Otherpaths so quickly. The author was relieved that he didn't have to narrate the whole thing either. "Just because one moves on to other fandoms, doesn't mean they can't come back to where they got their start." He brought the binoculars down and looked over to see Daphne poking around his head with a needle. "What are you doing?"

She was frowning. "Trying to deflate your ego. This usually works too."

"My story, my rules," Rector grinned at her before shooting another finger-gun wink to the author.

Daphne didn't reply. Instead she just scooped up Rosie and tickled the baby's sides. "Daddy's being silly," she smirked at the infant. Rosie just giggled at her mother and dropped the claymore mine she's been teething.

Hilariter: A claymore! Why are you giving an infant high explosives as chew toys?

warrior4: Cartoon physics are in effect. To that end, babies are nigh on indestructible. Besides, it's funny.

Hilariter: continues to worry about her husband's sanity. And her own.

Daphne shifted her grip so Rosie was sitting on her hip. With her other paw she linked it with Rector's and they began to stroll away from the old Troll battleground. "So now that we're here, where is this talk show set you used to play in?"

The grin on Rector's face grew wider. "I thought you'd never ask. Literally, I really never thought you'd ask that."

He snapped his fingers and a door appeared in their path. Rector opened the door for both of them and followed them through. A few lights fizzled on as they entered the Green Room. Dust covered much of the furniture. Along one wall were still shots from old shows. A bank of Sue and Stu monitoring equipment sat discarded along another wall. Photos of the old crew hung on a third wall, faded with age. A badger shaped hole in the wall leading to the stage completed the room. Rector walked quietly through his old stomping grounds. A pang of regret hit him as he saw some old crew applications he'd never gotten around to replying to on the table. Looking up at the wall he started to smile as he wiped the dust off the pictures of the old crew.

Arawolf Beechclaw, pine martin stage manager, held up her Flying Guillotine in one paw and an assortment of throwing knives in the other. Kayln Wordsmith, squirrel camera operator, peeked out from behind her camera and brandished her Ultimate Pocketknife. Aelin Wordsmith, otter soundboard controller, grinned out from her photo with the hilts of her two short swords peeking over her shoulders. Kris, the squirrel graphics designer, had his feet up on his desktop while his trusty bazooka rested against the desk. Kit and Minty shared a photo. The fox and wolverine held up their taser lances in salute. Kenzie Farsight waved merrily. The rat leaned against her glaive with the hilt of her rapier peeking through her belt. Rector grinned fondly at his own picture which showed a younger version of himself sitting in his lighting booth, a quiver of Patriot Arrows and his Bag of Tricks at the ready. The last picture really caused Rector to grin though. Kelaiah, the ferret host of the show and the one who had started it all, had a smug but friendly grin on his face. In his picture Kel had his arms loosely crossed and was holding his trusty Lazer.

Rector felt Daphne take his paw again as he looked at the pictures of his old friends. He turned and looked over at her with a warm smile. She was smiling back at him. It was good to come back here and remember the fun he'd once had with the other crew members. The small family stared at the pictures for a while longer until something new flashed in the corner of Rector's eye.

The Anti-Sue monitoring equipment had a thick coat of dust over it. Even still, on one of the panels a flashing light was blinking. Rector crossed over to the banks of computer monitors and brushed off the dust.

"What is it?" Daphne asked as she came up behind Rector.

"I'm not sure," he replied. "Like you said, it's been almost ten years since I've used any of this equipment. A lot of the labels have faded. For some reason the power is down too."

"So you need a new power source?" she asked.

"It would help for sure."

"Hold the baby," Daphne handed off Rosie who immediately grabbed Rector's glasses off his face and started chewing on them. Daphne started rooting around in her purse. "Where is it? Where is it?"

Not finding what she was looking for, the otter set the bag on the table and opened the zipper wider. She dug in with two hands which were soon followed by her head and the top half of her torso.

Rector was unconcerned as he bounced Rosie on his knee. "Let me know if you need help, honey."

"Here it is," Daphne called out triumphantly and emerged from the depths of her purse. "This should do the trick."

Rector raised an eyebrow at her and the object in her paws. "You get nervous at me for a claymore, but you've got Mark Watney's radioisotope thermoelectric generator just neatly tucked away in that purse of yours? Also, shouldn't that thing be kicking off a ton of heat?"

"Oh hush, you know I'm always cold," she teasingly scolded and crawled under the computer banks to get at an access panel.

"Plutonium is deadly, you know," Rector commented as he made faces at his daughter.

"So are claymores, dear," Daphne countered from where she was working. "And again, hush! I've almost got this RTG hooked up."

With a faint electronic hum, the monitoring equipment came to life once more. As an added bonus the lights of the Green Room also lit up. At once the Anti-Sue klaxons started blaring, but Rector quickly shut those off before they could cause Rosie to start crying, or for Daphne to get annoyed with him.

"You are simply the best. I'm so glad I married someone smarter than me," Rector told Daphne as she emerged from under the console.

"And don't you ever forget it," she smirked at him.

After handing Rosie back to his wife, Rector started going over the readouts in front of him. He didn't like what he saw. He turned his swivel chair back to Daphne but she was looking at something on her tablet. He momentarily forgot what he'd saw on the screens. "What are you doing?"

"Checking for continuity errors," she said. "In previous chapters you had all this monitoring equipment up in the Light Booth, not down here in the Green Room."

"And you call me pedantic," he grumbled.

She looked up at him with a no-nonsense expression on her face. "Not my fault if you can't keep your own story straight. I mean, it's not like it's right there for you to read and review anytime you want."

"Well, it's here in the Green Room now which is where it's going to stay, probably because the author doesn't feel like going back and fixing things by this point."

"So he's being lazy?" she smirked.

"That," he admitted. "But also because he wants to move onto other things rather than rehash what he's already written."

"Whatever, it's your story dear," Daphne said with a shake of her head. "Now what did you find?"

Rector turned in his chair back to the monitoring board. "I'd tell you now, but then I'd have to repeat myself, which is just no fun. Rather, I'll save it all for when everyone gets here."

He looked down and blew the dust off a large red button. He couldn't help the smile that formed on his face or the excitement building in his chest as he pressed, 'Summons.'

Across the multi-verse of fandom the call went out. Eight separate messages that, thanks to the laws of physics and reality not applying as normal, found their way to their recipients. Back in the Green Room, Rector stood to one side as Star Trek-like transporter beams appeared and figures stated to materialize.

"You're getting the band back together," Daphne whispered to Rector. He only grinned in response. Sure enough the eight fursonas whose pictures graced the walls soon appeared back in the Green Room.

Kayln looked in surprise at her sister once the transporter hum faded away. "Whoa! What's going on? Why are you an otter again?"

Aelin was equally shocked. "Me? Look at you? You haven't been a squirrel since 2009!"

"Umm, guys?" Kris' voice seemed hesitant. "Is that really you? Ae we really back here?"

Ara flexed her paws and cracked her neck, taking some time to get used to being in animal form after such a long time away. "Looks like."

For his part Kel was just glad he hadn't materialized in a hole in the floor. "Holy moley! We're back! But who?"

"Hey guys, long time no see."

The newcomer's eyes looked over to where Rector was leaning against the table with his arms crossed in front of him, a fond grin on his face. What followed was much smiling, hugging, back slapping, and all the other typical reunion type things that one would expect. Rector introduced Daphne and Rosie to everyone. As usually happened, a crowd formed around the otter baby who grinned up at the crowd and squeaked happily at them.

Rector was leaning against a chair when he felt a paw tap his shoulder to see Kel standing next to him. "What's up, buddy?"

"Congrats on the kid again," the ferret started. "I do have a couple questions though."

"Shoot."

Kel cleared his throat. "So you married Daphne?"

"Yes."

"You're a mouse."

"Also true."

"She's an otter."

"Three for three, keep going!"

Kel cast a nervous glance at where Daphne had Rosie bouncing on her knee. "How did a mouse and an otter have a daughter who is also an otter?"

Rector nodded sagely, which got a scoff from the author's real world wife. "Yeah, it seems confusing. But you know what, don't worry about it."

Kel held up a paw. "But I mean it shouldn't…you know…"

"Don't worry about it," Rector said again, this time more pointedly.

After a few more looks between Rector and Rosie, Kel gave a shrug. "Stranger things have happened around here."

"That they have," Rector agreed. Standing up he then addressed the crew at large again. "So you're all probably wondering why I called you all back here."

"Uh, yeah," Kenzie said as she looked over. "I mean it's great to see you all again and everything. But what gives?"

"First things first," Ara cut in while she looked around. "This place is a dump. Kel, do you still have that automatic cleaning function on your Lazer?"

"I think so," Kel said as he scrolled through the menu options. "Ah, here it is! Ooh, a new feature! I love automatic updates that are actually helpful."

Kel kept his claw pressed on the Lazer as a wide but narrow beam shot out from the device. Kel swept it in a circle. As the beam traversed the room it instantly changed the dusty and neglected surfaces to a spotless shine. The table once more became laden with both real world junk food and desserts straight from the Redwall kitchens. Everyone tucked in with gusto.

"Getting back to Kenzie's question," Rector said as he set his bottle of Coke down and turned back to the monitor equipment. "The Sparklypoo readings are off the charts. Greater than anything we ever saw back in the old days."

Aelin leaned forward at a screen that had an overhead shot of Redwall. "Are you sure? Everything looks normal at the Abbey right now." She walked over and started fiddling with the controls. Other locations came up on the screen. "Same goes for Salamandastron, Noonvale, Brockhall, and everywhere else. Normal activity too."

"Switch to infrared and add a believability filter," Minty told her.

The light streaming off the monitor was almost blinding. The group collectively held up the paws to shield their eyes from the glare of the Sparklypoo. It was simply everywhere. Every nook and cranny shimmered with the stuff. Each character was glowing due to its influence.

"That…that's a lot," Kayln stammered.

"Hey guys," Minty had taken a seat and was typing commands furiously. "I think I've got a fix on the source. Castle Marl seems to be absolutely pulsing with Sparklypoo. Seems like a good place to start looking anyway."

"Excellent!" Ara had grin on her face as she applied a fresh coat of garlic to her scimitar. "So we knock first then charge in or charge in and then knock?"

Kit gave Ara a cautious look. "Hold on a tick. We don't even know who or what is behind this."

"What's to know?" Ara shrugged. "They're Sues. We're Sue slayers. Nothing we haven't faced before."

"I don't know about that." Rector had been studying the monitors as well. "This seems like something different. No horrible grammar or narration that we can see from a distance at least. There's something more subtle going on."

"You could all stand around guessing or I could probably tell you what's going on," Daphne cut in.

"What do you mean?" Kris asked.

Daphne held up her tablet which was showing the last chapter of this story. "Seems like my darling husband over there introduced an actual plot element all those years ago. Now go back to the second chapter and you merry band of reprobates decided it was a good idea for a Bloodwrath-crazed badger to ransack your set rather than keep tabs of your enemy. So we have a person with an axe to grind and almost ten years of uninterrupted time in which to operate."

Kel looked over at Rector with a smirk on his face. "She's smarter than you."

Rector looked unconcerned. "Oh I know. I've been telling her that for years."

"Getting back to what we're going to do about the Sues," Ara was looking more impatient. "Do we have a plan at all? Cause I'm just about ready to steal Kel's Lazer and teleport over there right now."

"Sparklypoo readings are the highest I've ever seen," Kris commented. He'd taken an empty seat at the computer bank and was clicking through various pages and menus. "I just launched a wave of stealth drones over Castle Marl. Looks the Suethor is at home. Seems like there are a bunch of traps waiting for us. Or at least there were at one point. There's a lot of rust covering the gun emplacements and the like. The main challenge is just the sheer amount of Sparklypoo in the surrounding area. We'd be fine if we wore the old Gumby suits, but using the old Anti-Sparklypoo spray bottles would be like using a squirt gun on a forest fire. We'll need something with more kick."

Kit walked up and looked over the readouts. "If we can counter the influence of even just some of that Sparklypoo it would help us transport in and nab the Suethor. Get her away from her base of operations, drench her with Anti-Sparklypoo and that should make it so the rest of the Sparklypoo fades away. Thing is with readings this high, there's no way we could get close enough. Unless we have something that's inherently immune to Sparklypoo I doubt we could sneak in."

They all stood around in thought until Rector snapped his fingers as a brilliant idea-

Hilariter: Ha!

warrior4: keeps typing

-bloomed in his mind. A very self-satisfied grin appeared on his face and he beckoned the group back to the table to map out a plan of attack.

Outside the front gates of Castle Marl, things appeared normal. On closer inspection however, it became apparent there was something different about the scenery. Everywhere one looked, things were just a bit too in focus. The air overly crisp. The scents on the breeze a hint too sharp. Water rats patrolled the island and the waters immediately offshore, but they all had a slight glaze to their eyes. Within the depths of the castle a human woman lounged in the throne room.

For all intents and purposes, she looked rather bored. Her laptop was open to her Netflix account so she was watching the latest episode of Stranger Things. Around her Sues and Stus of various kinds milled around. Their twelve-foot-long jewel-encrusted golden swords hung on pegs around the wall. The castle doorbell interrupted the peace of the afternoon.

"See who's at the door," the human called to her minions. As a flood of Sues made their way to the door a quizzical expression suddenly appeared on her face. "Wait a minute, when did we get a doorbell?"

The door to the castle had been made of about a dozen impenetrable materials such as mithril, diamond, adamantium, Stygian Iron, a force field and a few other things the author will leave to your imagination. A crowd of creatures of unnatural fur color, otherworldly beauty, and poor grammar threw the gates open and started looking around.

"WHOOSE OUT THEY"RE!1"

"Verily! Stand and deliver and know most truly and assuredly thou shall be bested by yon finest warrior!"

"maybeits a realy cute person who ccan love me despite the tragicness and angst of my past stop the voices calling me to darkness.

"You wish, at least I can talk with proper grammar and diction, something most of you wouldn't know anything about!"

"I do two no how to spell! I even proof read and theirs no little red lies under any of my words. So they're!"

What followed was much pushing, shoving, and ego-stroking of the various Sues and Stus gathered around the door. A few golden swords appeared and were starting to be slashed as the argument intensified. The only thing that stopped an all-out brawl was a piercing cry that caused them all to stop and look down.

"Whaaaaaaa!"

On the doorstep of the castle a female otterbabe smiled up at the various Sue. She was dressed in a plain white short-sleeve onesie. She had a wide grin on her face as she waggled her arms. Instantly the Sues stated cooing over the baby.

A mouse-Sue was the first to scoop up the babe. She raised the small otter high over head and looked up at her. "Aren't you just the most precious thing in the history of ever? What's you're name little one?"

The otterbabe replied by spitting up directly onto the Sue's face. With a look of absolute disgust on her face the mouse-Sue found herself frozen in place in shock. A weasel-Stu grabbed the babe.

"yer doin' it rong. Yer gjots to hold the babe genteel-like. Like 'dis." He set the otterbabe in the crook of his arm and looked down at her. For her part the baby just grinned up at him and pooped her diaper.

The effect was immediate. Half of the Sues possessed supernatural abilities which included an enhanced sense of smell. The dirty diaper caused all of them to cover their snouts with their paws and hightail it back inside to find the nearest toilet in which to vomit. The other half of the Sue's started squabbling over who was most fit to change the diaper. They were so preoccupied with their argument they didn't hear a sound which until now had never been heard over Mossflower Woods: jet fighters.

A flight of four F-16 jet fighters screamed in at treetop level. As the jets flew out over the lake, rooster tails of water shot up from behind them due to the jet wash of their low-level attack run. At the controls of the lead fighter, Rector called out the approach.

"Cleared in hot, master arm on, five seconds out." Flipping a switch on the throttle control he armed the weapon system. On one of his screens a diagram of the Anti-Sparklyboo bombs lit up. Each fighter carried two. Rector kept his eye on his target pipper displayed on the Head's Up Display of the fighter. When the pipper drifted over the castle doors, he keyed his radio again. "Break! Break! Break! Bombs away!"

He pulled up on the stick and pressed a red button with his thumb. As his fighter started to climb the bombs under his wings released and started a ballistic arc towards the castle.

"Bombs away!" Kel radioed from his fighter.

"Good release, good release," Minty reported.

"Bombs away and on target," Aelin called from the fourth fighter.

The flight of jets climbed higher and started to loop back towards the castle. Below them the Anti-Sparklypoo bombs finished their upwards trajectory and started their downwards course. Twenty feet above the castle doors the outer casings burst apart and a cloud of Anti-Sparklypoo liquid rained down on the creatures standing outside. The non-toxic spray drenched the Sues. They started coughing and running into each other as they tried to clear their eyes. The flight of fighter jets zoomed past again to observe the effect of their strike.

"Good impact!" Minty called out. "Ground team, you're cleared in."

Just as the Sues had started to gather their wits about them, a volley of what looked like oversized paintballs hit around them. The paintballs broke apart with Anti-Sparklypoo dust inside. The dust settled over the Sues, who were already soaked rendering them not only harmless but also gave them a distinctly sugar-cookie-like appearance.

"Chaaarge!" Ara burst from cover and drew her scimitar.

The rest of the crew quickly followed suit. It didn't take them long to cover the distance to the gates and start hacking a path through. Daphne ran up to the weasel-Stu who was still holding Rosie. She had another paintball loaded in her sling and whacked it full force in the Stu's face. Daphne scooped Rosie back up and cleared the courtyard. The babe had been smiling and laughing through the whole adventure.

"The things your father thinks up," Daphne muttered to her daughter with a shake of her head.

Back at the courtyard the Sues had retreated back inside and barred the door. You'd think they would have learned by now; I mean really.

Kris whipped up his bazooka and checked behind him to ensure no one was in the back blast area. "Fire in the hole!"

His shot destroyed the castle doors, which thanks the Anti-Sparklypoo airburst had caused them to revert back to simple wooden fortifications. No match for the high explosive round of Kris' bazooka. Kayln pressed the button on her Ultimate Pocketknife. A multi-shot gas grenade launcher any SWAT team would be proud to own unfolded from the handle. Kayln fired all six Anti-Sparklypoo grenades through the wreckage of the castle door.

"Go! Go! Go!" she called out as soon as her last shot was away.

Inside the castle chaos reigned among the Sues. The Anti-Sparklypo grenades had left a cloud of dust and gas that left them running around blindly. The four beasts of the ground team clad in their Gumby suits made their way through the entrance hall and into the throne room. Every so often one of them would fire off another grenade or hack at a passing Stu. They easily made their way to the plinth where the human Suethor was waiting for them.

"Brooke Johnson, we meet again," Ara growled as she advanced.

Brooke looked at her watch with a bored expression on her face. "Can we keep this quick? My next show should be starting soon."

Ara didn't reply. Rather she threw her Flying Guillotine at her opponent. Brooke quickly drew a Roman gladius of standard size and shape, save for the fact its blade was gold. She swatted the Guillotine out of the air and adopted a ready pose. Ara howled in anger and charged. She swung her scimitar for Brooke's head, only to have her blade parried by the gladius.

Ara took a few steps backward in surprise. "How did you do that? Sue weapons always fail against canon-correct ones."

"The blade is Imperial Gold, right out of the Percy Jackson fandom." Brooke said with a glint in her eye. "You guys aren't the only ones who can steal tricks or weapons from other universes."

Nobeast got the chance to utter a cutting remark since the ceiling decided right then that it would be a good time to collapse. Dust, stones, and mortar started hurtling down towards the small group gathered around the throne. Brooke threw her hands over her head to shield herself from the rain of debris, however nothing hit her. She opened her eyes just in time to catch the end of the scenery lifting up like the backdrops at a theater to reveal the set of Everyone's Favorite Talk Show. She found herself waiting in the stage wings as the doors opened to allow the audience in while the theme music played.

"Not again," Brooke hung her head in disbelief while the chairs filled with Redwall characters. "I thought I was done with this ten years ago."

"Oh, you only thought that," Kel said as he strutted out onstage. However due to the lights being down low he tripped over a random cord and faceplanted the stage.

Human-Kel: Really? You're dusting off that old gag?

warrior4: What do you mean old gag? That's the first time I've ever had you trip over anything. You used to fall down holes or bang your head on stuff.

Human-Kel: Do I want to know what else you have planned for me?

warrior4: Probably not, but that's only because spoilers are no fun.

"Rector!" Kel yelled up at the lighting booth. "Lights!"

"Sorry," Rector said over his headset. "Daphne said it was my turn to change Rosie's diaper."

At the mention of the baby's name Rose looked up at the lighting booth from her seat next to Martin. She had a smile on her face but still cocked an eyebrow at the lighting mouse who was finishing up his fatherly duties. "Rosie?"

Rector just winked at Rose before turning his attention to the lighting board and bringing up the stage lights. Beside him, Daphne just shook her head at her husband as she started watching another episode of Critical Role on her tablet.

Kel picked himself off the floor and dusted himself off. With a wide grin he faced the audience. "Welcome everyone-"

"For the thousandth time, that's everybeast!" Dandin called out from his seat.

"-to this reunion episode of Everyone's Favorite Talk Show. To any new viewers, welcome to the best Anti-Mary Sue-related talk show in the fandom. We've been gone for a while but now, after almost ten years off the air, we're back. To any old viewers, feel free to blame Rector or the author for the extended hiatus.
"As I'm sure you know by now, my name is Kelaiah and I'd like to take this moment to say…"

Kel trailed off as his eyes read ahead on the teleprompter. He turned to glare at Ara and Kayln. "Nice try. I'm not kissing any more orcs no matter what you write on the cue cards or put on the teleprompter."

The pine martin and squirrel just gave Kel looks of innocence that no one believed. Kel turned back to the audience. "As I was about to say, we have an old guest on our stage today. Actually, she's one of the first guests we ever had on the show. Please everybeast," Kel looked pointedly at Dandin who had a pleased expression on his face for once. "Put your paws together for Miss Brooke Johnson!"

Catcalls, jeers, and a few throwing knives from the vermin side of the audience greeted the arrival of Brooke. Security Badger Steve had her seated in a chair with webbing straps around her wrists and ankles. Steve set her down in the middle of the stage and looked around for direction.

"Thank you, Steve," Kel told him. "Ara has your Milk Bones."

Steve's eyes lit up at the prospect of his favorite treat and he lumbered off the stage. Kel pulled up a chair to face Brooke. "So it's been a while since we've seen you last," he started out. "How are you holding up?"

Brooke just glared at the ferret. "You mean since I got away from the second time you held me hostage here? I gotta say, for a group of supposedly elite Sue Slayers you all tend to spend more time blowing yourselves up rather than any of the Sues you claim to hate so much."

Kel was about to reply when something above him caught his eye. He quickly dodged out of the way of a falling piano. Glaring at Kris who had his paws up in an expression that said, 'don't look at me,' Kel turned back to Brooke. "That may be true, Miss Johnson. However if you look back at our track record you'll find we have beaten every Sue or Stu we've come across."

"What's wrong with writing a Sue or a Stu anyway?" Brooke demanded. "That's how a lot of new writers start out." At this Brooke looked over at Kayln. "A lot of fanfiction writers are also younger people who only do this as a hobby or as a way to escape a lot of negative things going on in their lives. Shouldn't they be allowed to write stories that bring them happiness, even if they'd never stand a chance of passing muster in an English class? It's not like they're really harming anyone after all. It's you guys who are the real menace. Who appointed you as the lords and protectors of canon?
"Look around right now. You'll see everything you are supposed to hate so much. Self-inserts, implausible story lines, non-canon elements are everywhere. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't recall a single TV monitor an any of the twenty-three Redwall novels."

Her little speech had for once actually quieted down the audience. A lot of beasts were actually nodding in agreement. All but two of the creatures had fallen under the influence of the invisible Sparklypoo that had radiated off of Brooke during her speech. The first unaffected creature was Daphne, but that was because she had her earbuds in and was too engrossed in the D&D campaign unfolding on her tablet screen to pay much attention. The second unaffected creature was Rosie who, being a baby and thus cuter than any Sue or Stu could ever hope to be, was immune to the effects of Sparklypoo.

The little otter happily rolled over the lighting controls in front of her father. Stage lights flashed different colors. The spotlights burned holes in the walls from their Split Your Own Atoms setting. The house lights were turned all the way down just as strobe lights started flickering. The lights cleared Rector's mind and he caught Rosie before she rolled off the light board. He gave her a loving kiss on the cheek.

"Mwah! Thanks, Bug!" he said, using her pet name. "What do you say we get this show back on track?"

Rosie babbled excitedly and gave her father a grin that stretched across her face. He set Rosie down so she could watch and reached below the light board. Pulling out his bow, he nocked a Patriot Arrow to the string. Drawing it back he took careful aim and let the arrow fly. It streaked towards the stage and exploded with an air burst of Anti-Sparklypoo dust that settled over Brooke.

Brooke started coughing and choking on the cloying powder. The invisible Sparklypoo seeping from her was negated. Beasts forgot her words and returned to normal ways of thinking. Kel shook his head to rid himself of the last effects and turned back to Brooke who was getting her breathing under control by now.

"I'll answer, I mean ask the questions if you don't mind, thank you very much. Now I do have to ask if you're aware of the difference between parody or a serious drama?"

"Really? That's your excuse?" Brooke scoffed.

"Of course," Kel exclaimed. "Name some of the best parodies out there and you'll find a lot of the same elements you've seen with us. Space Balls, Robin Hood; Men in Tights, Hot Shots, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I could go on. Slapstick, self-referential humor, crazy plot elements, 4th wall breaking, it's all there. The difference is that it's intentional. Clearly, you're a smart person, that logic blast you just tried on us proves it."

"So why so hostile?" Brooke challenged. "I seem to recall getting a lot of flames back when I wrote my first fics. Do you know how much it hurts when someone calls something you've worked hard on, 'crap I wouldn't waste toilet paper on.'"

Kel pushed his glasses up his snout. "Really Brooke, if you are holding out for universal popularity, I'm afraid you will be sitting on this stage for a very long time."

Brooke crossed her arms and looked at Kel defiantly. "Just because you wear glasses doesn't mean you get to paraphrase Albus Dumbledore, oh great and wise Kelly." She said the last word with a sneer.

A tic appeared in Kel's eye. Around the studio the crew members leaned in expectantly. Angry-caps-mode Kel had always been a fun sight to witness. To their disappointment though, Kel got himself under control and continued his interview.

"Nice try," he told her. "Now I will admit flames can be tough to get on your stories but let me ask you this; how is anyone supposed to improve as a writer unless they know where to improve?"

"Reviewers don't need to be cruel about it though," she countered.

Kel shrugged. "It's the internet, lots of people tend to be jerks. Learning to ignore the barbs of true jerks is a valuable skill. As is taking any form of criticism and seeing if there's something to be learned from it, regardless of how it's delivered."

"Whatever, you're all just haters and hypocrites. Send all the flames and negative reviews you want, I for one will still welcome anyone with open arms. Anyone but writers like you, self-important jerks who don't have anything better to do. You want Sues to slay? I have an army of them. They should be here any minute."

Kel was about to reply when the square of flooring under Brooke's chair suddenly shot upwards since it was attached to a giant spring. Brooke's chair however was not attached to the floor and a human-in-a-chair shaped sunlight suddenly appeared in the studio ceiling. Brooke's scream of shock was slowly fading away as Kel looked to the wings of the stage. Ara had her hand on a lever and a wicked grin on her face.

"What?" she asked. "She wasn't going to change. Now about that Sue army she told us about?" Ara keyed her headset. "Hey Rector, I just tossed the Milk Bones outside. Should be good to go."

"Got it, thanks Ara," Rector replied. "Kris, think you could pull up the exterior cameras? This should be fun."

The studio lights dimmed as a screen rolled down. The image lit up to show Brooke's chair land with a puff of dust amongst the Sues and Stus marching in their directions. The cameras captured her disentangling herself from the wreckage of her chair. She drew her gladius and pointed it at the studio. The Sue army charged. It didn't get very far.

Security Badger Steve had wandered outside to find his Milk Bones. At a command from Rector's headset he suddenly stiffened up and his eyes grew red. Even through the walls of the studio they could hear his war cry.

"Eeeeuullaaaaliaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Bloodwrath Beserker Beast Go Steve launched himself forwards into the packed ranks of the Sues. As was his way, Steve grabbed the nearest two Sues and used them as flails against all comers. The carnage on the screen soon gave the vermin in the audience ideas. A shove here, a punch there and very soon a full-fledged riot broke out in the vermin section of the studio. A few of the more hotblooded hares of the Long Patrol easily leapt over the barrier separating them from the vermin and joined the fight.

Ara's eyes glinted as she drew her scimitar. Kenzie drew her rapier and after tapping her blade to Ara's they both leapt into the fray. Aelin and Kayln quickly set up an 'Angry Mob Supplies' booth and started handing out weaponry. Kit and Minty tried calming things down with their tazer lances, but it didn't do much. This would usually be the point where a Peace Mist Patriot Arrow would calm things down, but sadly for Kel's insurance premiums, Rosie had rolled under the soundboard and had torn the fletchings off that particular arrow.

Eventually after several holes were chopped through the studio walls, the fracas died down. Mostly because most of the beasts had left through the walls to fight outside where there was more room. The crew filed back into the Green Room as maintenance moles got to work on studio repairs. Kenzie and Ara were the last to arrive and sit down at the junk food-laden table.

"One show, that's really all I'd like, just one show without an audience riot," Kel bemoaned.

To everyone's surprise it was Daphne who threw her arm around the ferret to offer him words of consolation. "Hey, don't worry about it. I've got something that might cheer you up."

Kel looked up at her. "What's that?"

"A new feature Rector had added before he called all you guys here." She turned Kel around and pointed at a door that led off the Green Room. It had a star on it with Kel's name prominently displayed.

"My own dressing room!?" Kel's eyes lit up with glee. He ran as fast as he could through the door to explore the new space.

Daphne was right behind him. As soon as the door closed an ear-splitting female shriek echoed from behind the door. With a smug look on her face, Daphne pulled off the star to reveal the words "Female Dressing Room," under it. Everyone in the Green Room burst out laughing at the prank.

Kel shot out of the room flushed scarlet and shielding his eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." When he heard a few wolf whistles directed his way he looked down at his attire. Rather than the jeans and t-shirt he'd gone in with, he was now dressed in a yellow polka dot bikini.

His shoulders slumped down as his eyes looked skyward. "Why me?" He stumped out of sight to find clothes to change back into.

Rector came over and planted a loving kiss on Daphne's cheek. "I love you so very much right now."

Once Kel got back and he was assured the prank was all in good fun, the crew finished up their feast.

"So, does this mean we're back? Like really back for real?" Aelin asked.

"Yeah, this was fun and all, but a lot of us really have moved onto other hobbies and interests," Kenzie added. "I'm not sure I'd be up for adding anything more to help keep this going."

"Why don't we just call this what it was," said Rector. "A reunion for old friends. If anyone wants to keep anything going, they can. If not, also good."

"That seems fair," Kris put in as he reached for another Oreo cookie. "It was a lot of fun to see you all again."

"A toast," Daphne stood up with a raised glass of cran-grape juice. "To old friends and good times."

"To old friends and good times," the rest of the crew echoed.

One by one the crew of Everyone's Favorite Talk Show departed until it was just Rector, Daphne, and Rosie left in the Green Room. Rosie had fallen asleep in her father's arms by this point.

"Did you have fun?" Daphne asked.

Rector smiled lovingly at her. "I did. Thank you for indulging me."

"You're welcome," she replied.

Behind them the studio remained. A lasting tribute to the weird and silly friendships that seemingly only can be formed online.

A/N; Standard disclaimers apply of course. If there is anything I borrowed from Redwall, The Office, Percy Jackson, or any other fandom, that's all I'm doing, just borrowing it and not making any money to boot, sadly.

I'm not going to mark this story as complete, because who knows when the muse might strike again. However I did leave it at an ending with an I feel happy with and can let it go now.

To my fellow writers, and especially my wife, who let me borrow their characters for this story, I assure you this was written as a labor of love. We had some good times back in the day and it was fun to re-visit those feelings. Thank you for your friendship and support.

To anyone new to this story, I hope you liked it and will value any review you choose to leave. Never let anyone tell you writing fanfiction is a silly or stupid hobby. The world will always need and appreciate creative people who are passionate about the things they like. Never let that go.

Fortes Fortuna Adiuvat
Fortune Favors the Bold

Your friend in fandom,
warrior4