Title: The Promise

Author: NGBlue

Rating: R for some curse words, nothing big.

Pairing: T/7 (implied, very light)

Disclaimer: I do not own Startrek Voyager, or any of the people who portrait he characters who play in that series. No copyright infringement is intended, no money's being made. I'm but a worm, all bow to the almighty Paramount Gods.

Summary: Tragedy...and what spawns forth out of it.

---------x------------------x---------

It almost seemed unreal.

Almost.

There just wasn't any way to deny what had happened though. Hell, I've been one of the people involved in what had transpired just a day earlier.

This was...so unreal.

How could this have happened? Why? Why 'Her'? Off all the people that didn't deserve this, 'She' deserved it the least. But it still happened.

Dwelling on what had happened wouldn't help though. It wouldn't do any good, 'She' wouldn't have wanted it that way, I kept telling myself. And really I've been brooding long enough in my quarters, wishing to be left alone. Not even Starfleet had dared to enter these quarters after the display of sheer anger I gave everybody the day before.

It was unreal.

Shouldn't have happened.

Couldn't have prevented it.

But damn...don't I wish that time could be turned back, just this once.

However, a movement from the corner of my eye shakes me out of my reverie.

The Ice-queen. She of all people would never understand. Would never accept the consequences of what I've been asked to do. How could I explain this, how could I carry this out, there just wasn't any way. There was no way, not after the pointed fingers and barrage of accusing words that have been spewed in my direction.

Perhaps that had been the only flicker of light in the darkest of space. The small spark that had melted the ice surrounding her heart. I'd been sure there was a hint of emotion behind that ice-cold exterior. 'She' had said Seven wasn't what she seemed to be, but I still doubt that very much. I guess my conflicts with the Borg-machine were too fresh in my mind to be wiped away like that. I've only heard words, never seen something that actually backed those words up, up until yesterday anyways.

Seven would never understand. As logical and unemotional she tried to pretend she was, part of her was still human. But she still wouldn't understand.

Refused to understand.

"You killed her..."

The words are colder then her eyes this time. Sharp as a knife cutting through the softest of butter. Yet I somehow feel as if I deserve them, perhaps I do.

"Why didn't you..."

Her words die in her throat. I can see a shimmering in her eyes...tears? Finally some evidence?

But she walks away without another word. I guess it's better that way. No witnesses to see her un-Seven like emotional outburst, besides me. Does she really believe it will make her superior to others, she's human, not Vulcan, not even Borg anymore. But do I care? Maybe now I do. Now that I've been ordered to do so, even as I realize that there's nothing. Not the reluctance I figured I would feel. Not the simplest of emotions to make everything more clear. It would've been too easy. And things are never easy.

I can't ignore 'Her' last wish.

Can't even ignore what happened.

And can't even say 'Her' name.

Just hurts too much.

Why didn't I? Didn't I help her? I tried to but...why couldn't I save her? 'Her' of all people, how am I supposed to understand this? How, when not even Seven can remain her cool. Then again wasn't she more connected to 'Her' then I myself. But that's not true. Seven always required special attention that's the way I try to justify it. But deep down I know, that jealousy, and other deeper feelings I never dared to name, had always been there, just under the surface. And I knew that they were close, I guess I never understand how close. Why was I ordered...why...

I can't even think of this. Too fresh, new. Hurts just to think of it.

I always thought...

That 'She' and Seven were a couple somehow? I guess I did, didn't I? Again this jealousy, these feelings I try so desperately to shove away in the back of my mind. Like I've done before, but it's different now and it just doesn't work anymore. I can feel everything bubbling back to the surface with every breath I take. All of it, and I've never felt so emotionally raw.

So many conflicting thoughts. I don't want the reality to sink in. I want 'Her' back, to hear 'Her' voice. 'She' was so important to everybody on this ship.

"Rest in peace, Kathryn Janeway, wherever you might be right now..."

-x-x-x-

Earlier...

The Bat'Leth swiped through the air. For a moment the Klingon warrior looked almost astonished, as far as that was possible seeing he was a Hologram, but then he vanished without leaving a trace.

No matter how many I kill, they keep coming, not that I mind really. Sweat runs down my back and forehead in trickles, and after every combination of movements I have to stop for a second to wipe it away.

The small movement in the air alerts my senses, and I turn around in one swift movement, lurging forwards with the Bat'Leth. Luckily for Tuvok I managed to control my primal urges, else he'd been nothing but a smudge of blood on the wall by now.

"Computer, freeze program."

The Klingon warrior that stands just a feet away, about ready to pierce my skin with his Met'leth stops mid-air. It could have amused me perhaps, but amusement is not the reason I'm here.

"What BY Grethor do you want."

I can't help my voice from sounding demanding and dripping with venom. A vicious anger slithers just below my skin, and my twin hearts are still beating on the rhythm of the ancient wardrums. An interruption is the least I can use right now.

"Captain Janeway has left me some instructions I was ordered to follow should she come to..."

Damn Vulcan lack of emotions. True, he helped me with the meditation techniques in the past, but nothing could put a lid on this.

"Get on with it Tuvok."

"She has left you a message."

I guess he must've registered the surprise on my face, but thank Kahless refrained from making any comment. I never did see him leave, although his last words keep ringing in my ears.

"The message was send to the terminal in your quarters. I have been ordered to closely observe your emotional state..."

The rest got lost in the turmoil in my head that burst loose as soon as I grasped the meaning of all this. And it's been only 18 hours ago. Too soon, too damn soon. How am I supposed to cope when my head feels like it's going to explode any minute now.

-x-x-x-

Two weeks later...

I don't know what I had expected.

Certainly not this.

Any attempt...Kahless when I'm so much as near to her she storms out of the room. I've never seen her so openly displaying her emotions.

It pisses me off, majorly.

I don't know what I had expected, but certainly not this.

I see Flyboy walk towards me. I guess Harry couldn't keep his mouth shut. But he's only trying to look out for me. I should be thankful, but I don't feel that way. Hell, my legs are still shaking when I just think of the message 'She' left for me. Certainly I could use some peace of mind to work

things out.

"Hey, how are you holding up?"

Calm, collected. Comforting words? I don't know. I guess everyone changed, even he just isn't the same. The picture doesn't fit anymore. The memory of what he seemed to be like in the past seems so wrong right now. Everyone changed, everything changed.

Everything changed so fast.

"I'm fine."

Liar.

Do I really care? I had enough of the comforting words. Seven could use them much more then I do. Yet I was there when it happened. I was there with 'Her.'

"Harry told me..."

Kahless I wish he hadn't. I don't need this, don't really need this right now. I can feel Ice-babe's eyes skinning me alive from the other side of the messhall. The urge to walk towards her and hug the stuffing out of her seems to be a bizarre abnormality spawned by my overloaded brain. The urge to smack her around until she drops that cool shield of her's should have been much bigger.

But it is not.

"Murderer..."

She doesn't actually say it as she walks by. But her eyes say everything her mouth doesn't. And for a moment, I can actually see her thoughts. Touch them, almost.

"Does she know?"

Hah, no really. She wouldn't understand. For fuck's sakes, I don't even understand this myself. Even though I do remember the promise I made to Kathryn so long ago, I still can't bring myself to think about it. I never promised 'Her' this, but it's what 'She' asked me to do. 'Her' last wish, a

promise I can never keep.

"No, don't even THINK about telling her, unless you want to be worked into the hull plating by 'accident'."

I can actually see him gulp at those words. Perhaps I put a little too much anger in my voice. But who cares, I certainly don't. Things will never be the same.

"I..."

For a moment he actually hesitates. I wonder why. Normally he always blurts out anything that pops up in that limited mind of his. But he's a good guy, just too bad he wastes a lot of the time in which he could be useful. I wonder briefly where I got that chronology from, but then I try to divert these thoughts. I know...and it hurts too much to think about it. Everything hurts, and I wonder if it'll ever change.

His pulling at my sleeves to a somewhat secluded alcove in the hallway, certainly put a effective temporarily ending to my pondering.

"I walked into Astrometrics yesterday. She was crying in a corner, sitting on the floor with her head in her hands. I think she might have heard me come in, but it didn't seem that way. I left a second after that. Guess I just thought you should know."

Good thing my jaw can't actually hit the floor, but it went as far as possible in that direction.

Unexpected doesn't even begin to cover it.

And almost immediately I feel that old feeling. That longing I've felt so much in the past. I can almost feel my hearts clench as the guilt washes over me in waves. I guess Paris must have noticed because he left without me ever sensing it.

There's nothing I can do though.

Nothing I want to do.

I can't face those blue eyes, that are so much fuller with emotions then I want to admit. I can't face her with the knowledge I was partly responsible for the death of a person that was the most dearest to her.

I can't...and so I don't.

TBC in Part 2