AN: I do not own any of these characters, Stephenie Meyer does. If you have read any parts of my other two stories, you know that they are mostly serious. I've never played around before, but I thought it might be time that Carlisle and Esme gave their children "The Talk" If anyone here is a big Twilight fan and likes role playing, visit Equinoxrpg .com (lose the space) I play Leah Clearwater and we're definitely looking for active members. Enough of my propaganda, (grins evilly) let's get to the story.

Carlisle's Point of View

It had been a nice and quiet day off. The hospital had forced me to finally take one saying that my wife must be dying to have a day alone with me. Who could blame them? I hadn't taken a day off in the three years I had worked and they didn't know we spent every night together. So I spent all day in my office going over the Chinese language. I had not studied it in the last hundred years, so I figured I might as well brush up on it. Esme decided to give the kids a break while they were down in Port Angeles and do their laundry, so the morning had been rather quiet. I heard a soft knock on the office door, and instantly, I knew who it was, "Come in Esme, dear."

Esme walked into my office grinning, she was wearing the yellow sundress she knew I liked and placed a small peck upon his cheek before sitting in one of the large, leather chairs in front of my desk. "How did you know?"

"After living with this family after all of these years, I have your knocks memorized. You, my love, are the only one in this house patient enough to knock softly and calmly."

She stared at me with a smirk curving her pink lips upward, "then tell me, Carlisle, what of our lovely children? How do you tell them apart?"

I could tell she was teasing me, but it might be fun to play along in her little game. We rarely had time alone in the house, and if she wanted to have a laugh with me, I would tell her jokes all day.

"Well, when Emmett is at the door, his knocks usually rattle the entire room. You remember the eight doors we replaced last year don't you?" While speaking, my eyes wandered over to the door that was on the hinges at the moment. Doors on my office usually had a lifespan of three to four months, and this one had managed to be up for almost six now. Then again, Emmett had been banned from my office for the past four, after I had discovered Emmett using my laptop to look for a birthday present for Rosalie. The kind of present a father, even me, a father out of convenience, would never want to see his daughter in.

"Edward's knocks are always urgent sounding, because we both know when Edward wants to talk about something, it becomes a top priority. Alice, on the other hand, doesn't stop knocking once she's started until I answer the door myself. Then with Jasper, you can hear him resting his fist on the door over and over, while he is standing outside trying to decide whether or not I'm in the right mood to talk." I leaned far back into the chair I was sitting in and crossed my hands across my chest, letting a smug, little smile dance across my face.

"You forgot Rosalie, Carlisle," Esme said, wagging her finger at him warningly. God forbid anyone forgetting Rosalie.

"No, I didn't. You asked me to describe their knocks. We both know full well that Rosalie does not knock. If she wants my attention, she just walks in here. Our little beauty queen thinks she is the most important being in the world."

"Haven't you tried locking her out?"

"Of course I have, but then she goes and gets Emmett, surely you have not forgotten the fate of door number two?" I listened to Esme's musical laugh as she remembered exactly what had happened to door number two. One day, I had locked Rosalie out of my office, tired of her coming in every five to ten minutes complaining about how the part for her BMW hadn't arrived yet, so she went to get Emmett, instead of just breaking down the door herself, yelling something about ruining her nail polish. Emmett came barreling through it two minutes later, ran straight across the office without stopping, and that had been the end of window pane number one. It had taken forever to pick up all of the glass out of the yard.

I ran his fingers through my hair, then glanced down at my wrist watch, "So what has brought you to my office so early this morning? Usually, you don't travel in here until after noon."

Esme's eyes suddenly became serious. I quickly recognized this as a "Mother's look". I got it every time Mike Newton's mother brought him in with a runny nose and swore he had mono. I had a hard time believing that the boy could catch the "kissing disease", for obvious reasons, but she refused to trust me until the test came back negative. I think after diagnosing centuries of epidemics and diseases, I could spot something as simple as mono, but still the woman would rant on and on. She was as beastly as her son.

"Carlisle, I was picking up the laundry in Edward's room today, when I found… Well, I found something that- " I watched as she held up a small basket of items that looked as if they should belong in Emmett's not so secret stash. Inside, there was handcuffs with little furry things all over them, and a box of Blood Flavored Condoms "ribbed for extra pleasure" Dear God, I didn't even know there was blood flavored condoms, what human in their right mind would want to use those? Then, I thought of a human, who would use anything to try to get my son to go to bed with her. After that, I couldn't even look at the rest of the items in the basket.

"Are you sure Esme? I mean -they look like they would belong to-"

"To Emmett, I know, but I can assure you, they were in Edwards room. It was under his bed,"

"Why were you looking under his bed?" I asked, knowing that Edward was a tidy person, who always kept his dirty clothes in his hamper. A sheepish smile found its way to my wife's guilty face, but it was quickly replaced by another serious look.

"Carlisle, I still think you ought to have a talk with Edward. Even with the… condoms… It isn't safe for Bella and him to well," I watched has her face bunched up. This was hard for her. Edward was her first son, and I know she had a special spot for him, "Bella and him need to be careful with what they're doing. His venom could… If she had any small cuts."

I stood, then walked slowly until I stood behind her and rested my hands on her shoulders, "Dear, I understand what you are saying, but we both know that Edward is the most responsible with his -er fluids, than our other children. Do you really think that a talk is necessary?"

I saw by the look on her face that she did think that a talk with Edward was needed, and that was before she spoke. "Carlisle, if you don't think that the sexual life of our apparently very interested son is important because his girlfriend might potentially lose her life and forever live with the guilt of disappearing without telling her family why, which would cause us to have to move and start our lives over somewhere else with a newborn vampire on our hands, then no, having a simple talk with Edward isn't necessary."

I stared at my wife, in awe that one person could talk so fast and say so much, "Of course dear, I'll have a talk with Edward as soon as the kids come back from Port Angeles."

"Bella too."

"Bella too? Why do I need to talk to Bella? She has a mother and father of her own that could talk to her about that kind of thing," I said trying to save myself some sanity.

"Alright then Carlisle, you can talk to Bella, or you can explain to Charlie what we found in his only daughter's vampire boyfriend's bedroom, and why she can not have sex with him, take your pick."

My wife was serious. So I did the only thing a vampire who was centuries old, who was stronger and more intelligent than one hundred men could do. I caved in. "Okay, as soon as Edward and Bella get back from Port Angeles, I will have a talk with them. I promise."

"Good. I'll leave you alone to think about what you are going to say while I go defile Emmett's bedroom. Wish me luck!" Once again, her sing song voice was apparent and I realized that I had been conned by the best of them all. My beautiful, loving, conniving wife. So, I closed out my foreign language program, and clicked on the internet explorer icon. If I was going to have this talk with Edward, I was going to need to know what to say. I could add in the snippets about venom in between the facts. Google, here we go.

After millions of websites telling me to encourage open communication and to be approachable and willing to listen, I shut my laptop, and decided to rely on my medical text books.

A few hours later, I heard the gravel on our driveway crumble under the weight of Edward's Volvo and Emmett's Jeep. I slammed shut the books in front of me and began reciting the Chinese alphabet, backwards, in my head, otherwise, I knew I would hear the squealing tires of Edward's car heading back down the driveway. Standing, I headed out of my office and down the stairs, so that I could meet Edward and Bella at the doorway.

"Hey Carlisle! Have a good day of studying?" Alice's tone was a bit more cheerful than I would have likes, but of course, the minute Esme found the basket in Edward's room, she would have seen me talking to them. Hopefully she hadn't tipped them off.

Then I saw them, Edward's arm was wrapped around Bella, and she was smiling up at him like she always did. Or was he holding her a bit more tightly than usual? Was her smile bigger than it had been a few weeks ago? Was this talk too late?

"Edward? Bella? Can I talk to you?" Immediately Edward looked at me, and I knew he was trying to read my mind. A scowl appeared on his face when he couldn't see anything but old Chinese proverbs. I had to be quick about this he wouldn't put up with this for long.

"Oh -Of course Carlisle," Bella said, her face turning pink. Poor girl is so eager to make our family happy, she had no idea what she just agreed to.

"What is this about Carlisle?" Edward asked me so quiet only a vampire's ears would be able to pick it up. He led Bella through the door, never taking his eyes off of me. Edward definitely new that something was going on.

"I would like to talk you two in the family room, if you don't mind." My voice was beginning to shake. Come on Carlisle, be strong. It's something every parent has to do sooner or later I suppose.

"Carlisle this is completely unnecessary!" My eyes jerked up to Edward, who was standing with his hand's on his hips. Bella looked shocked, but I followed her gaze over to the hallway, where Esme stood. Not only was she making me do this but she had just spilled the beans to Edward.

"Esme find's it necessary after what she found earlier-"

"That isn't my stuff! I have no idea how it got th- Emmett! I'm going to kill him!" Edward yelled his eyes getting wide. The next thing I knew Edward was running up the stairs yelling something about Rosalie's Christmas present. Bella was sitting on our catch looking as confused as ever. I looked over to my wife who was shaking her head back and forth at the commotion. Apparently she didn't think it was going well.

"Rosieee!" I turned, and saw Emmett bounding down the steps, waving a strip of "Blood Flavored Condoms" behind him like a streamer. A big goofy grin was splattered across his face as he waved them in Edward's face. "Rosieeee! Look what I found in Little-Ickle-Eddikins room!"

"This too!" The next thing I knew, Emmett grabbed his belt loop and using his strength, tore off the front of his jeans, letting the back half fall away. My jaw dropped. My "oldest" and bulkiest son was running around my living room, in a blue thong. Not only was it bad enough that he was in a thong, but the thong had a picture of Bella's face on the front of it. The next events happened so quickly, my head was spinning.

Emmett was sprinting circles around the living room in his newly acquired ensemble, with Bella's face turning more red with every lap after she saw who's face was on the front. Apparently someone else noticed to, because I heard a screech only able to be made from the voice of Rosalie.

"Emmett Cullen! What do you think you are wearing?!" At that point, Rosalie flew down the steps, wearing nothing but the birthday present Emmett had bought her. So much for not wanting to see her in that… Of course, Alice followed. She had most likely seen this in a vision prior to coming home, which explained her good mood, but Alice was never one to miss a family gathering, especially one as eventful as this one. Like the good husband he was, Jasper bounded down the stairs after Alice, but I could already see him shaking his head. With Bella's embarrassment, Emmett's excitement, Edward and Rosalie's fury, Alice's joy, and my… well whatever it was, the poor kid didn't know who to calm down first.

"Everyone! Stop!" At the sound of Esme's voice, all of the activity in my living room came to a halt. Of course, Emmett being as big as he was, fell over, and Edward, who had been chasing him around the couch, fell on top of him. A flash lit the room, and I found Alice lowering a camera.

"Sorry…" she said with her little pixie like grin, "When is the next time we're going to have Emmett on the floor in a thong, with Edward on top of him, and Rosalie in the background wearing a skimpy grizzly bear costume?"

Edward pulled himself off of Emmett and glared over at Jasper, who pulled the camera out of Alice's hands, then sent a calming sensation over the room. Emmett also stood, which was probably worse than when he was laying down, because it looked as it the thong had been made to fit Edward, not Emmett.

"I am not having this talk with you Carlisle. It was Emmett who put that stuff in my room, you should know me better than that." Trust me Edward. I do. This was all Esme's idea. I swear. I must have sounded pathetic enough, because Edward nodded understanding my predicament.

"Fine then." All eyes snapped in Esme's direction as she began to speak. "Edward and Bella, you will still talk to Carlisle, but you have two new classmates. Apparently Emmett and Rosalie need this talk just as much, if not more than you do."

"Alice told me that you would be cleaning our rooms today! She told me to hide the stuff she thought it would be funny!" Emmett yelled at the top of his lungs, pointing his finger at Alice.

"Why you little Benedict Arnold!" Alice yelled. Then she swiped the camera back from Jasper, "This picture is going to be all over the year book this year! I can see it already…"

"It's not like my half naked body hasn't been in a yearbook before! Remember 1982 Alice? At Ridgemont High? I streaked across the football field on homecoming night because they wouldn't let me on the team!" Emmett laughed back at her.

"Then Alice and Jasper can join you all too!" Esme said. I sighed heavily. Now I was going to explain sex to two married couples, who probably knew more about it than I did.

"Umm… Excuse me, but what exactly are we having a talk about?" We all turned to Bella, who's face was still beet red, and looking around the room as if we had all gone mental in the last five minutes.

"We're talking about sex Bella! Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex." Emmett had begun thrusting the air every time he said the word "sex". Like always, you could see the fear in Bella's eyes.

"Just take a seat. All of you." I was trying to regain my thoughts, and it would be easier with them all sitting, and without having to see Emmett… bouncing. "Emmett and Rosalie -get over to the couch now, and cover yourselves up -No not with the same blanket. Two blankets, on opposite ends of the couch. Alice, Jasper, take the loveseat. Edward, please take Bella over to the chair."

I looked down, the ribbon of condoms were laying at my feet. I could hear Emmett still chanting "Sex, sex, sex," across the room, and Rosalie must have calmed because she was now giggling at something I didn't want to know anything about. If there is an afterlife for us after this, those two are definitely going straight to Hell.

"Let's just get this over with Carlisle," I heard Edward say.

"I already know what's going to happen, can I go to the mall? I'll explain to Jasper on the way if you let him go with me!" Alice piped in.

"I know enough about sex Carlisle! If I have any questions about anything I'm sure Rosalie wouldn't mind showing me-"

"Enough!" I yelled, throwing my hands in the air, "You are going to sit hear and listen to what I have to tell you without another word. No more complaining Edward. No more trying to weasel your way out of it Alice. And No more of your comments Emmett!"

They were all looking at me like they were surprised I could be so loud or assertive with them, but at least they were quiet.

"Alright, so… As you obviously already know, I'm going to talk to you about sex, or most popularly known as sexual reproduction." I heard Emmett stifle a giggle when he heard the word reproduction, but I kept going. If I stopped, I don't think I could get them to settle down again. "Mammalian sexual reproduction is a union that results in increasing genetic diversity of the offspring. Fertilization involves the fusion of two gametes and the restoration of the original number of chromosomes."

"After several years, the sex organs in a young person develop further to maturity and the person becomes sexually mature. Most females are only fertile during certain periods and during those times, they are said to be "in heat". At this point, the female is ready to mate. Individual male and female mammals meet and carry out copulation."

"What the hell is copulation?" Emmett asked staring at me as if I had hit him with a brick.

"Sex you moron!" Rosalie said grinning.

"The male reproductive system contains two main divisions: the penis, and the testes, the latter of which is where sperm are produced. In humans, both of these organs are outside the abdominal cavity."

Apparently, the words penis and testes were trigger words for Emmett to start his 'sex, sex, sex' chant again, but after Rosalie swatted him, he hunched over, and started pouting, not enjoying being corrected by his wife. The one person who usually found his antics funny.

"The female reproductive system likewise contains two main divisions: the vagina and uterus, which act as the receptacle for the sperm, and the ovaries, which produce the female's ova. All of these parts are always internal. The vagina is attached to the uterus through the cervix, while the uterus is attached to the ovaries via the Fallopian tubes. At certain intervals, the ovaries release an ovum, which passes through the fallopian tube into the uterus." I looked around the room. It reminded me of the time I had decided to teach about the Ice Age at a University. My children were becoming bored with me.

"This is where we come to a problem with Bella and Edward."

"Now it gets interesting!" Emmett said, "But I don't see the problem… unless you're going to start talking about sexual frustration next. That's what Edward's problem is. I mean if he would let Bella put out like she wants to, he wouldn't be running around here trying to chase me."

"Emmett! Shut Up!" My head turned to Bella. Who was now so red in the face anyone who didn't know her like we did, would think she had spent all day under the sun.

"Thank you Bella. Now, you see, if you two were to… engage in copulation- even with a condom, there is a chance that Edward's venom could enter you that way, because we aren't sure if a condom is strong enough for a vampire." I tried to keep my composure, but I felt as embarrassed as Bella.

"So that means…what?" Bella asked, looking worried. I know that Edwards had promised that they would try, before he bit her, and apparently this was her way of asking if it was possible.

"So that means if Edward tries to poke you, even wearing a rubber, there's a good chance we're going to have a sister in law sooner than we thought!" Emmett said, answering for me.

"Emmett! Poke her? How unromantic!" Alice said from across the living room, "What he means Bella, is that if Edward tries to make love to you even with a condom on, we'll be sisters!"

"My Emmett is perfectly romantic!" Rosalie shouted over Alice.

"Which explains why you're wearing a skimpy little bear outfit?" Jasper piped in.

"It was a birthday present!" Emmett roared.

"We're finished with this!" Edward said gathering Bella in his arms. Before I could blink, they were gone, and I heard his bedroom door slamming shut.

Emmett and Rosalie took that as their cue to leave as well, rushing up the stairs to do whatever they had been doing before I had interrupted them, and Alice's Porsche was already headed down the driveway with Jasper in it. No doubt heading to the mall.

I sat down on the piano bench, rubbing my temples. Soon enough, I felt Esme's hands on my shoulders.

"That went… as expected." I said looking up at her.

"Don't worry dear, Sex Education 102 will start bright and early tomorrow morning."

AN2: Alright everyone, let me know what you think. I know this chapter was long, but I couldn't find a good place to stop it until the place I did. ;) A big thanks to Beck, our Nox Bella Swan, for helping me with the idea of the "Blood Flavored" condoms.