Broken Hallelujahs.
It's the night of her engagement and all Jackie Burkhart wants to do is be alone. Two parts, P.S.8, Zen.
This fic uses a lot of song lyrics in the dialogue, mostly George Michael, but there's also U2, Don Henley, Genesis/Phil Collins and some others. If you see something that looks familiar, well, it's probably not mine. There are two songs that were instrumental to the writing of this piece, Father Figure by George Michael, and One by U2, specifically the REM cover which can be found on You Tube.
Title comes from Hallelujah, written by Leonard Cohen and song by many, many people.
I'm not going to beg, plead or demand reviews for this, I'm just going to ask that if you want to tell me what you thought of it, then please do.
That 70's Show characters are owned by people who disrespect the characters they created.
"I will be the one who loves you, till the end of time."- George Michael, Father Figure.
Jackie stood out in the cold winter air with her arms wrapped around herself. Just ten minutes ago, she and her boyfriend had announced their engagement to their friends. In just six months, she would be Mrs. Jackie… well; she was keeping her last name due to the fact that Fez's was completely unpronounceable.
The reactions had been just what she had expected, some burns from Eric, an anguished what the hell from Kelso, a please tell me you're kidding from Donna. Only Hyde hadn't said anything. He had just remained motionless in his chair. Surely, her getting married to one of his best friends deserved more of a reaction.
When they had broken up, it had nearly killed her. While she struggled to go on with her life, he had moved on without a care, letting a stranger take what was once her place. He had forced her to move on, and now that she had, that she had finally found someone who didn't treat her horribly, who worshipped her, he acted as though it was just Sunday's news.
For ten minutes, she had been out in the cold while the rest of the gang celebrated in doors. Champagne had been opened; toasts had been made by everyone including Kitty Forman, everyone except Hyde had said something. He continued to remain silent.
Surely, her getting married to Fez of all people deserved a reaction. Surely, there would be some retort about how she was clearly marrying the first guy who asked, regardless of how she really felt about him.
Why didn't he care?
Jackie could feel her fingers getting numb from the cold, but she couldn't go inside, not just yet. She needed just a few more minutes to gather herself, to stop from caring about what Steven Hyde thought.
She heard the door open and close and the person walk up next to her, but she didn't say anything. She wasn't going to let him get to her.
"You're going to freeze out here." Hyde said softly.
"Maybe I feel like freezing." Jackie replied, still not looking at anything but the sky. It was cloudy and grey and the reflection of the street lights made it look like it was daylight, even though it was already ten thirty.
"Yeah, but then your pretty little fingers will fall off, and we wouldn't want that." Hyde said jokingly.
"Hmm." Jackie said, distracted.
"Come on, Jackie, come inside." Hyde begged.
"You don't have to stay out here with me," Jackie said, "You can go back."
Hyde leaned up against the railing and sighed, "I don't really feel like being in there." He confessed, "Too many jokes about donkeys and Mexican blankets."
Jackie looked at Hyde, confused, "What?"
"It's nothing," Hyde replied, "Just one of Kelso's stupid jokes; you don't want to hear it."
Jackie turned away and nodded, leaving it at that. She could feel his eyes burn into her skin.
"You're staring." She accused. "Stop it."
"You used to like when I stared at you." Hyde reminded her.
"That was before." Jackie replied.
"Right." Hyde said with a nod, "Before." He took both of her hands and put it into his. He blew on them, softly as he rubbed them with his own.
"What are you doing?" Jackie asked, trying to ignore the fire that was ignited in the pit of her stomach due to his touch. It had been so long since they had touched that she had almost forgotten what it had felt like.
"They were turning red." Hyde told her.
Jackie swallowed and made the mistake of looking up into his uncovered eyes. In them, she saw her reflection, and briefly she wondered what it was he saw when he looked at her. Was it the girl he had loved, or was it the girl who had broken his heart?
"Oh." She couldn't say anything else. She swallowed again as he rubbed her hands. She wanted to ask him what he was doing, but she found herself just looking into his eyes, those beautiful, crystal blue eyes. No one had eyes like him, eyes that said everything.
"I know you don't want to go back into the party," Hyde said softly, "But we need to get you back in doors, so uh, you want to go somewhere?"
Did she want to go somewhere? More to the point, did she want to go somewhere with him. Maybe it was time they talked, hashed things out, so that they wouldn't spend yet another year hating each other. She gave a short nod and with one glance towards the house, he pulled her towards his car.
"Where are we going?" Jackie asked as soon as they were both inside the El Camino.
"Uh, Leo's house, he's away and I'm supposed to be house sitting for him, so it should be private."
The last word made Jackie wince inwardly. There was either one of two ways this would go, either they would kill each other, or… well she wasn't going to think about or.
"Uh, unless you want to go somewhere else." Hyde spoke, "I just thought you wouldn't want to be bugged."
"It's fine." Jackie replied. After a minute, she sighed, "I'm so bad, I should be celebrating my engagement and instead I'm in a car with you, how sad is that?"
Hyde shrugged, "I'm neutral on the subject, so don't ask me."
Jackie turned and looked at him, "You're not neutral, you can't be neutral."
Hyde didn't bother to deny it, "Maybe I'm not," Hyde said, "But I'm not going to call you out on it."
"Why?" Jackie asked, unsure of as to why.
"I'd think the answer would be obvious." Hyde said as he pulled into Leo's driveway.
The inside of Leo's house smelled remarkably decent despite the fact that a dirty hippy lived there.
"Did you clean?" Jackie asked as she surveyed the living room. A brown suede couch, a small television set, a coffee table with coaster stains and a stack of magazines on it, it looked like a normal bachelor pad.
"Actually, no, Leo's really quite tidy." Hyde said with a laugh.
Jackie nodded and sat down on to the surprisingly comfortable couch.
"You want anything?" Hyde asked, "I've got beer and some orange soda."
"Orange soda." Jackie answered. Her heart was beating even faster now. Her instincts were telling her to run, far, far away but she had no where to run to. A minute later, Hyde appeared with two orange sodas. He handed Jackie her already opened bottle and sat down next to her on the couch. Jackie took a sip of the soda and then put the bottle onto the coffee table.
"So," she said, "I guess there's no use prolonging the inevitable."
"And what would that be?" Hyde asked curiously.
"Oh you know," Jackie replied, "The part where we drag our past out into the light and scream at each other for all the stupid things we've done to hurt each other."
Hyde leaned back on the couch, "I don't really want to do that."
"Then what do you want to do?" Jackie asked.
Hyde put down his soda and stood up. He held his hand out to Jackie. "Dance with me."
Jackie narrowed her eyes, suspicious, "You want to dance? But there's no music, and besides, I thought…"
"Jackie," Hyde said, "Just dance with me."
Well, it was better than fighting. With a sigh, she stood up and took Hyde's hand as he led her to a free space in the living room.
"What about the music?" She asked.
"We don't need music." Hyde said as he wrapped his arms tightly around her waist, forcing her to put hers around his neck. He pulled her close and she put her head on his chest as they swayed to the sound of their beating hearts. She had missed this, just being with him. She knew that this would be the last time she ever got to do this, so she wanted it to last as long as possible.
"You know," Hyde said after a long moment of companionable silence, "I never thanked you."
"For what?" Jackie asked with her eyes closed. Here it comes, the burn that would effectively destroy her forever.
"For everything, really." Hyde said, "You know, before you, I had no idea what kind of man I wanted to be, less thought I actually could do anything, but because of you, I've got a dad, my own store, a bitchy sister." They both laughed a little.
"You're welcome." Jackie replied softly. The two stopped swaying to the non existent music and stared at each other.
"Can we sit down?" Jackie asked.
"Sure." Hyde said with a nod, "Sitting is good."
Jackie smiled gratefully and walked back to the couch. "Steven, can I ask you a question?"
"Anything." Hyde said, and Jackie knew that he meant it.
"Do you want forgiveness?" Jackie asked. The question had been plaguing her mind.
Hyde sat next to her and took a long sip of his soda before answering. "You know I've been rationalizing my actions this past year, trying to convince myself that I did the right thing, or worse that it was your fault that I screwed up, but I guess there comes a time in every man's life when he has to face up to the man he's become, so uh, yeah, I do."
Jackie blinked, "Oh." She hadn't expected him to admit it, let alone say that much to her. A simple yes or no might have sufficed, but an actual explanation; well it was more than she ever could have hoped for. She knew she owed him something in return, but she couldn't make herself say the words.
"Let me ask you something." Hyde demanded.
"Ok." Jackie replied, straightening herself on the couch to try to gain some confidence.
"Are you happy?"
Jackie was speechless. That had not been the question she was expecting.
"Just tell me that you're happy," Hyde continued, "and I'll take you home now and you can go and marry Fez and I'll walk away forever, but I gotta hear it from your mouth first."
"I'm…" Jackie said, stopping short. Was she happy? She had no idea what that word meant anymore.
"Tell me that you want a future with him, tell me that you're not just doing this for some foolish notion that you have to get married to someone, regardless of whether you love him or not."
"I love Fez." Jackie informed him.
"No you don't." Hyde replied just as matter of fact. "If you did, you'd be back at the Forman's, drinking champagne and letting him touch you… which reminds me, I know you two haven't done it yet."
"How the hell would you know that?" Jackie yelled.
Hyde smirked, "Fez has a big mouth, and you know that." He shook his head in disgust.
"Maybe I just wanted to take things slowly." Jackie said indignantly.
"Or maybe the thought of him putting his creepy foreign hands on you makes you so sick to your stomach that you push him away every time he tries to get close to you." Hyde countered.
It wouldn't hurt so much if he wasn't right. Her relationship with Fez was bordering on platonic. The only difference before, when they had just been best friends, and now, was the small diamond ring she wore on her finger.
"Sometimes I wonder if you're really Jackie." Hyde said. "Because the Jackie I know wouldn't have settled for a guy like Fez. She would have waited until Mr. Right came and swept her off her feet, and then she would have demanded a huge rock, and not that puny thing that Forman could have picked out, in fact, I think he did pick it out."
Jackie wanted to lash out at his words, to deny that they were true, but it was impossible. She smiled sadly and blinked to release the tears that were forming in her eyes. "I had Mr. Right," she said, "But you wanted something else."
Hyde let out a sharp breath and shook his head, "So what do we do?"
Jackie didn't know. She knew that this conversation wouldn't be easy, but it was spinning out of control, going in a direction she feared to tread. "I think we need start choosing our confessions."
Hyde nodded in understanding and shifted on the couch so that he was now closer to Jackie. "Maybe this would be easier if we were drunk."
"I think we've learned that's not such a good idea." Jackie said with a fake laugh, "but if you want a beer…"
Hyde shook his head, "No, something tells me I'll need to remember this in the morning."
"Did I disappoint you?" Jackie asked suddenly, surprising even herself.
Hyde looked at her in disbelief. "God no," he said as he shook his head, "You, you were wonderful."
Wonderful, the word echoed inside Jackie's head and made her heart skip a beat.
"So how are your hands?" Hyde asked. Jackie knew that he must be feeling out of sorts after making such a confession.
"They're better." Jackie answered. "Why were you so mean to me then?"
"I don't know why," Hyde said softly, "No, that's not true, I do know why."
"Because I hurt you in Chicago." Jackie guessed.
Hyde shook his head, "No, it's because you didn't…" he paused.
"I didn't what?" Jackie asked, "Stay?"
"Fight." Hyde said, "You didn't fight for me when she showed up. You just… you let it happen and then acted like…look, I know that I had already told her to stay, but that's because I thought that I should, but if you had said something, anything, I would have sent her away."
"Steven," Jackie said, needing to know, "I just, I couldn't fight for us anymore. I did all the fighting, all the begging, and I just couldn't…" she trailed off, unable to say any more.
Hyde reached over and wiped a stray tear from Jackie's face.
"Thank you." She said quietly.
He kept his finger on her cheek "Is it too late?"
Jackie gulped, "Is it too late to do what?" Deep down though, she knew what he was asking.
"To fight for you." He answered, keeping his hand on her face.
"I don't belong to you anymore, Steven." Jackie reminded both of them, "You know I love you, but…"
"So nothing changes?" Hyde asked, "I'm not sure I can go with that."
"I think we have to." Jackie said. "I'm not going to hurt him."
Hyde took his hand away and shook his head, "My Jackie never would have sacrificed herself like this."
"Maybe that Jackie is dead." Jackie said with a shrug, "I lost me and you lost you and now we're two completely different people."
"You know what?" Hyde said, "I don't care, I'm not letting you… I don't care what it takes; I'm not letting you do this."
"Look, just because you suddenly decided you have feelings for me," Jackie stated, but he cut her off.
"Suddenly, there's no suddenly, it's always Jackie. Always, and it's not just because I love you, look, I know that there's barely a chance for us, but you deserve more than what you've settled for. Jackie Burkhart doesn't settle, not for anyone. It's one of the reasons I love you."
The world felt like it suddenly stopped spinning, throwing Jackie off into the ether of space. Maybe this had been what she was afraid of, not hurtful burns, those she could handle, but these, words of love and devotion. They were more damaging than any quip about how she's made her way around the circle could ever be.
"I just want something sacred, is that too much to ask?" She said as she broke down. He pulled her to him and held her as she cried.
"No, it's not too much." He said softly into her hair as he rubbed her back comfortingly.
"I've been spending the last year learning how to live without you, Steven." Jackie finally said through her tears, "I miss you so much though, to the point where I feel like it's going to eat me inside."
Jackie closed her eyes, letting the moment soak in. She had been waiting for this moment for what seemed like a lifetime now and now that it was finally here, she had no idea what to do with it.
"Tell me what I'm supposed to do, Jackie, "Tell me how I'm supposed to just let you walk away, how I'm supposed to just watch you leave."
Jackie looked up at him and the two stared into each other's eyes for a moment before his lips came crashing down on hers. She let herself melt into the kiss and into him as his hands searched for the back of her head and hers continued to hold onto his back. This wasn't a kiss of apology or forgiveness or even of goodbye. This kiss was one of possession. He was claiming her as his again, and nothing she could do would stop it.
Worse yet, she didn't want to.
When Jackie entered the apartment she shared with Fez, she was surprised to see he was still up. As soon as the door shut behind her, Fez reached over for the remote and turned off the T.V.
"Where were you?" he asked.
"I'm sorry." It was the only thing she could say.
"You were with Hyde." He stated, "You ran off with Hyde."
"I was with him, yes, but I didn't run off with him, and I didn't… we just talked."
Fez's eyes narrowed as he stood up to confront her, "You just talked; now why don't I believe that?"
"Because I would never… I would never do that to you." Jackie protested Fez's allegation that she was anything less than faithful. "Okay, fine, he kissed me."
"I'm supposed to believe that's it?" Fez asked, "Jackie, you ran out on our engagement party."
"I know." Jackie said, "I just couldn't stay there."
"You mean you couldn't stay with me." Fez said.
"Look, he wanted to talk, that's it."
Fez shook his head, "Hyde doesn't want to talk to you," he said in disgust, "He just wants in your pants."
"That's not it at all." Jackie argued.
"Oh right, Hyde is the love of your life, I forgot. You made a promise, Jackie." Fez reminded her.
"I know." It was that promise she had made to Fez when they first started dating, where she said she wouldn't leave him that had kept her in the relationship in the first place.
Fez sighed, "Tell me what you want, Jackie. Do you want a bigger ring, because I can get you a bigger ring, it'll mean we'll have to cut back on some necessities, but if that's what you want, I'll get it for you."
"It's not about the ring." Jackie replied, "Fez, this is about me."
"I've been trying so hard to be that guy for you, Jackie."
Jackie wiped her eyes. She was breaking her best friend's heart and it was killing her.
"It's not you Fez."
"Don't finish that sentence." Fez spat. "I don't care if it's true or not, don't finish that sentence."
Jackie nodded and took the ring off her finger and placed it on the coffee table, shaking as she did so.
"I'm going to bed." Fez said after watching Jackie put the ring onto the table.
"I'm sorry." Jackie told him, meaning it.
Fez just shook his head and held his hand up, "I'm done with your apologies. Good night, Jacqueline."
He walked into their room and shut the door. Jackie stood in the dark room for a moment, trying to decide what she should do. She could stay and try to make Fez understand why she had just broken his heart in the morning, or she could leave and wait for things to eventually work themselves out. She took one last look at the door to their bedroom and sighed.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
She slowly and quietly opened the door and left the apartment.
Jackie ended up walking to the Forman's house. All the lights were off and everybody was asleep when she walked in through the basement door. She snuck into Hyde's room and slipped off her shoes before climbing into the cot with him. He put his arm around her waist.
"He hates me." Jackie whispered.
"No he doesn't." Hyde told her, "He'll get over it, and you did the right thing."
Suddenly, Jackie felt as though she had a million things to say to him, but the words were caught her throat. She swallowed and he pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head.
"I didn't know where else to go." Jackie said, trying to explain why she was there. It wasn't just because she was in love with him.
"I know." Hyde said, "Just go to sleep."
Jackie closed her eyes.
I'm writing the next part now, but I needed to end it here for length. Again, reviews are nice, but not necessary