The Sober and the Drunks.

As Cloud lounged on the steps next the accessory shop in the marketplace, he eyed the proceedings before him and made some observations.

You should never trust Yuffie to prepare the drinks. Cloud could understand wanting to make sure everyone was part of the planning but really, couldn't they just put her in charge of lighting and be done with it? Come tomorrow morning, when Aerith and Tifa were fighting off a bitching hang over, they'd realise that and Cloud was intending to laugh over that fact very loudly in their ears. Even if it gave them a heart attack, simply because it would prove he could laugh.

The Restoration Committee made such amusing drunks to watch.

The drunken Leon, for example, was difficult to associate with his sober self because drunken Leon was a cuddly drunk (Cloud would have to get him drunk more often; an overly affectionate partner to cuddle with when having a bad day sounded pretty damn good). This fact Sora was learning the hard way; the keyblade master had an affectionate leather-clad gunblader wrapped around him and nuzzling his brown spikes. For the most part, Sora appeared to be fine with the arrangement; laughing fondly and patting the intoxicated man on the head as a drunken slur was rambled into his ear. Every so often though, he'd look mildly irritated as the arms wrapped around him made it difficult to move –mostly in attempt to reach for food.

Very amusing.

Mouth threatening to quirk up into a smile, Cloud let his gaze drift from the pair of brunets and stared around the room, idly taking in the various states of the committee members; Yuffie was managed to drunkenly drape herself over the stair railing in front of the Moogle before passing out –ah, that was why it was only so loud and not too loud- her upper torso was dangling in such a way, Cloud felt compelled to estimate how long before she fell and smacked her head on the concrete below. After determining, rather disappointedly, that she was balanced in just the right way to prevent such an accident, he let himself gawk as Merlin danced an odd jig on one of the tables to Cid's off-tune (violently off tune!) singing. Cursed dancing and singing drunks.

As sparkling green suddenly filled his vision, he jerked his head back, blinking a few times until he realised he had a flushed Aerith grinning at him in quite the drunken manner. He raised an eyebrow. "Aerith?"

The woman beamed at him and started to speak –something Cloud regretted severely as he discovered that Aerith was a talkative drunk. With a Chipmunk on crack style of talking due to all the alcohol she'd consumed. In her pink-wearing glory, the pretty healer glomped him as she babbled at a rate faster than anything Yuffie had ever achieved. "Clooooud! Don't just sit there, even Leon's having fun! It's fun to have fun with friends, isn't Cloud? I love my friends; don't you love your friends?" She looked at his dazed expression and laughed. "I love Leon, he's my little brother, you know. Well not really, 'cause we don't have the same parents but you know what I mean. Do you love Leon, Cloud? Yuffie thinks you're hot together and I think she's right. What do you thin-"

A gloved hand pressed itself against her mouth. Cloud sat there with the drunken woman half in his lap as he narrowed his eyes at her. "Stop talking. I can't understand a thing you say."

She giggled and straightened herself up, poking the blonde in the chest roughly. "Le-on."

"Ooooh." Cloud moaned as Tifa stumbled over and joined Aerith in creating a human blanket for him. The fighter laughed uncontrollably. (Laughing drunk, Cloud thought bitterly) "Is Cloudy and Leony gonna give us a show?" She laughed louder. "The mansex! Good family entertainment."

"…Shut up. Damned drunks…"

"Who tops anyways?" Aerith slurred happily. "Yuffie never did find out; you dis-disac…argh! You made her think of other things!" She finished accusingly. "I think Leon tops." She added conspiratorially. "You're too busy playing emo to top. Leon's a leader and he's strong and considerate. And Lee's taller."

Cloud let himself fall backwards against the steps, wincing as his head smacked against the concrete. He shut his eyes as Tifa spoke up, silently praying to every deity –bar Hades- for the embarrassment to be cut short. Unfortunately Hades was the only one watching and if he did lift a finger, it was to flick the switch that raised the embarrassment–o-meter.

"Nuh-uh! Cloudy tops! He's all brooding and dark and stronger and brooding-"

"You said brooding twice." Cloud sighed tiredly. As interesting as it was to hear who they thought topped and why, Cloud was fast becoming bored of it again. For the life of him, he could never understand why all females of his acquaintance deemed it their right to know the intimate details of his relationship with Leon. Really, there was more talk about his sex life than there was actual sex; besides, what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom.

…unless it was kitchen sex, then it just stayed in the kitchen.

Tifa giggled. "Yuh! I did. How about…bigger? Did I say bigger?" As Cloud choked on his own spit, the fighter threw her head back and howled with laughter.

"Wuh…T-ti-Tifa…you…huh?"

Tifa pressed her head against Aerith's shoulder as her laughing subsided, a tired slur answering Cloud's not-so-eloquent response. "Well, Leon's all skinny as a waif. You've got more meat on ya. Buster sword's bigger than the gunblade too." She added in a mutter.

Relief crashed over Cloud as he realised he'd interpreted it the wrong. "Oh."

"So who tops?" Aerith repeated as she lay against the steps, peering up at Cloud through her bangs.

Ground, open up and swallow me. Sephiroth, get resurrected and attack. I don't care what; just get me out of this!

"Cloud!" The blonde found an affectionate and very drunk Squall Leonhart curling up on his lap and nuzzling into his shirt.

…or Leon; Leon works too.

"Lee?"

Bad Aerith. Cloud thought, eyes narrowing at the healer now struggling up into a sitting position.

The drunken Leon didn't share his sentiments; he waved at the girl and smiled goofily at her. "Aeri! Hello!"

She waved back with wild, quirky movements. "Hello! Leeeeee…who tops in bed?"

Leon blinked. "Wha-uh?"

Cloud stared at him in awe. "Gods, you're too drunk to even process that."

"Who fucks who?" Tifa giggled as she leant forward.

Leon blinked a few more times before his eyes widened. "Ooooooh!" He smiled and opened his mouth. Cloud winced and made to slap a hand over his mouth. But Leon started speaking before he could and when he heard what the brunet had to say he nearly died of laughter. "Well, Cid fucks the bakery lady. I know because she told me so when I asked why she was always giving me free cake. The man next door to Yuffie fucks the accessory shop guy and someone said that Scrooge fucks-"

"That'll do, Leon." Cloud snickered, holding the blessedly drunk man closer. The brunet scowled up at him, slightly put out from being shushed before smiling lazily and resuming his cuddling.

"Wow…" Aerith blinked slowly. Cloud could see the wheels turning in her alcohol-soaked mind. "Cid…gets some?"

"Blackmail!" Tifa gasped between laughs. "I must tell Yuffie that!"

Aerith pouted petulantly as Tifa disappeared. Swaying to her feet, she tottered over and plonked herself on top of Leon. Cloud grunted under the weight of the two bodies and almost threw them both off as Aerith repeated her earlier question with more clarity.

"Leon, do you top Cloud or does Cloud top you?"

Damn nosey drunken fangirl.

"Hmm?" Leon was still nuzzling drunkenly into Cloud's vest as he peered up at the girl on his lap. "That's our busa…sussi…Clo'? I forgot the word."

"Business." Cloud murmured, feeling positively gleeful. "That's our business."

Leon nodded rapidly. He blinked as everything seemed to spin around him before wagging a finger at the girl. "Yeaaaa. What happens in bed stays in bed." He sighed deeply, a gust of alcohol-ridden breath warmed the side of Cloud's neck. "And what a bed…"

Cute, drunken, cuddly Leon. Cloud thought fondly. He really would have to get the man drunk more often. Leon was such a fun drunk.

"Awwww…hey…if I sit in the bed, can I know then?" Green eyes sparkled at the two men. "Pwease? You don't have to do it in front of me…just tell me. I wanna knoooooow…"

Noticing that Leon was looking thoughtful and likely to agree with her logic; Cloud pushed the girl off him as gently and as quickly as he could before standing and tossing Leon over his shoulder. "Not your business!" he reminded her before running off, Leon giggling wildly at the bouncing sensation as he clung to the blonde's shoulders.

Everyone looked up as Leon made one loud parting statement while nuzzling Cloud's hip. "Is this my ass? It looks hot!"

Aerith turned to Tifa with a smirk. "And that's why Leon tops."

Tifa was laughing hysterically as she responded. "Nuh-uh, doesn't even know Cloud's ass, Leon totally bottoms."

"Leon tops!"

"Cloud tops!"

End

Had to do it. Just had to do it. Leon's drunken self is partially based on my friend Bex who runs around hugging everyone when drunk. Whenever we go to a party she tells us to keep an eye on her so she doesn't get too affectionate with a stranger. It's very funny and it's advisable to take a cuddly drunk with you to a party if you're staying sober.