Chapter 6
A/N - Guess it ain't as short as I thought, my imagination is too much...now excuse me while I go walk under a ladder with an umbrella.
Conker jumps into the hole underneath the windmill, and lands in front of the Federal Reserve Bank. At the steps is none other than the weasel boss.
Weasel Boss - Well, it's you again...I have another job for yas. Well you see, my club ain't been gettin' no business and my financial troubles are rising. I need you to get inside and rob this joint. Then bring me back some dough...capiche? And while you're doing this, my boys will have the security cameras disabled.
Berri walks by wearing a catchy leather ensemble.
Conker - Berri!
Berri - Oh hi Conker.
Boss - I thought you said you didn't know this character.
Berri - Oh, he's, like, my boyfriend.
Boss - Well, are you gonna do it? Or will I have to convince you not to tell the cops?
Conker - ...er....I'll do it....but on one condition.
Boss (impatiently) - What is it?
Conker - If I get a suit as cool as hers.
Boss - Done. Oh and by the way, take this bomb in there with you.
Conker - Why? You said you've got boys there to disable the evidence.
Boss - I saw it in a movie, and don't you _ever_ question me again.
Conker - Ok, whatever you want.
Conker walks into the bank.
*Dramatic music plays*
Conker walks through the metal detector and is traced.
Weasel Guard (holds out a tray in front of Conker) - Please remove any metallic items you are carrying.
Conker looks at him, then "slams" the guard in stomach with his palm. 2 guards sitting down drop their "Village People" magazine, and takes out their gun.
Conker shoots them both with his twin CMP150's and shoots a charging guard in front of him.
Weasel Guard (talking to his walkie-talkie behind a pillar) - Backup! We need backup!!
Metal detector beeps and Weasel guard looks to see Berri shoot at him. 3 sets of blue laser fields appear in front of them and 2 Weasel SWAT Guards appear. Conker and Berri ducks for cover behind opposite pillars, just in time to avoid the rapid-fire K7 Avengers from the SWAT Guards.
"Regroup!!!"
With that, Conker jumps out of his covering and does a flip in mid-air.
*Matrix theme plays, everything goes to slow-mo. Bullets can be seen dashing to their targets leaving a whirl of force/air behind them.*
Conker gets those 2 out of the way and hides behind the pillar again.
Berri looks at Conker, waiting for the signal. Conker nods and Berri jumps and does a wall-kick flip above the laser beams and disables the first set of lasers. 3 more SWATs appear, Conker flips through mid-air again, easily dispatching all of them. Berri disables the 2nd set of lasers, and a guard surprises Conker, but Conker quickly improvises.
Conker turns to his side, firing his double Falcon 2s. The guard makes lightning reflexes, dodging them all.
Conker - Berri! Help.
The guard squeezes the trigger...a hail of bullets go flying to Conker's head in a straight line.
*Everything goes slow-mo*
Conker falls backwards, and the bullets skim across Conker's chest and face. Conker then lands on his back, his eyes blinded by the bright lights of the bank, but a shadow appears over him...
Weasel Guard (towering above Conker) - Only a squirrel....
He aims his gun at Conker.
Berri (holding a gun to the guards cheek)- Dodge this...
*bang*...right in the guards face.
Berri - How'd you do that?
Conker - Do what?
Berri - I never saw anyone move so fast, you move just like them.
Conker - Who's them?
Berri shrugs and they hide behind the next pillars. Conker's pillar gets shot at, then at the last second, he jumps and shoots all the guards.
Berri deactivated the laser grid. 1 guard is left behind.
Conker runs up to him and jumps in mid-air. He kicks him in the chest, then with his other foot, kicks him again in the face. The guard falls down unconscious.
One more guard appears and before he can shoot at Conker, Berri throws a knife right between his eyes.
Conker and Berri steps into the elevator. The elevator closes and a piece of the pillar slides off. The elevator reaches the top floor and in front of Conker and Berri is a complex system of hundreds of lasers.
Conker - Knew that was too easy...
Berri - Hold on Conker, I'll take care of this.
Berri kneels down beside the wall in front of the lasers. A beeping noise is heard and the lasers deactivate. Conker and Berri head inside the vault.
Inside are 10 wads of 10,000 $10 bills. Conker walked towards them.
Monies - So, another wise guy eh?
Conker - Jet packs and butlers here I come!
$1,000,000 flashes across the screen.
Conker - Hey Berri! Look, I'm a millionaire!!!
Berri stares behind Conker and doesn't answer.
Conker - ....What are you looking at?
Conker turns around.
Panther King - Ah, welcome to my lair. I hope you've enjoyed your stay.
Conker - Hey, you leave us alone.
Berri - Don't worry Conker, I know how to deal with men like these.
Weasel boss steps out behind Panther King.
Panther King - Take care of her, and save the other squirrel for me.
Boss - Will do boss. Sorry toots, but your time has come
The boss wastes all his ammo on Berri. Berri falls to the ground.
Conker - BERRI!!!
Conker kneels down to Berri.
Berri - Conker....
Conker - Oh no...
Berri dies right in the arms of Conker. Ze Professor comes out just has Panther King starts having heart pains.
Ze Prof. - Now we will see who gets ze duct tape!
Panther King - How can this be?!? You shouldn't be here, you died back in that other chapter!
Ze Prof. - Correction, herr master, I only fell from ze tower, the author never, mentioned my death.
Panther King - F*CK!
Panther King falls off his throne, still clutching at his heart. A bright light appeared, and out came...Neo.
Neo - Panther king, you can take either the red pill, or the blue pill.
Panther King - What's the difference.
Neo - You take the red pill, you'll find how deep the rabbit hole goes. You take the red, you get fast heartache relief...
Panther King swipes the red pill before faster than Neo can dodge bullets. He swallows the pill, and the heartache disappeared.
Neo - Damn! That's the fifth time they did this....oh well...
Neo disappears.
Panther King - GUARDS!
Fat guard and Skinny guard appears.
Fat Guard - Yes? my lord?
Panther King - GET ME THE DUCT TAPE!
Skinny Guard - At once...sire
Ze Prof. - Oh f*ck! What iz thiz? Vhat happened to my win-win situation? That iz it! Heinrich! come to me at once!
Heinrich (the alien) comes forward.
Ze Prof - Ah my pet, go show them vhat your made of ya..
Panther King - Oh f*ck, hey Conker! I think I'm going to need your help in beating this guy.
Conker - Get me the the bastard Weasel!
Weasel Boss - Shit, hey professor, I'm gonna take your side with the alien, capiche?
Ze Prof - Oh vhatever the f*ck you vwant.
And here are the teams: Conker and Panther King vs. Heinrich and Weasel Boss (He's substituting ze Prof. since he can't fight).
The side walls open up, revealing the whole cast cheering them on.
Tediz - Go for the shins! Go for the shins!
Little Girl - *giggles* Go mr. alien! Yay!
Franky - You show them what your made of mr. squirrel.
Pot - Open a can of whoop-ass on him!
Brush - yeah, whoop his ass.
Everyone else - Blood! Blood! Blood!
Gregg - Get your bloody nuts, get them here. Fresh and what-not. Buy the damn nuts now, you pricks.
A/N: Gregg took a second job after he realized his grim-reaper role couldn't support his wife and 4 kids.
Nemesis - I'll have some nuts, no ketchup please...
Sunflower - Get your big, salty nuts away from me..
Announcer - In the first corner, we have the defending champion, Heinrich!"
Heinrich walks toward the ring, rap music is playing while he struts himself into the ring. Ze prof walks alongside him while holding a towel.
Announcer - And his team-mate, the Weasel Boss!
Weasel Boss walks into the ring while "mafia-type" music plays.
Announcer - And in the second corner, we have the Fabled Panther King
Psycho theme music plays when Panther King makes his entrance.
Announcer - And last, but not least, we have Conker!!!"
Lights darken, Rocky theme music (Gonna Fly Now) plays. Conker, wearing his Neo outfit, "hovers" above the ring, and is lowered slowly. In the ring, he takes off the black leather trench coat.
Announcer - Tonights event is sponsered by Microsoft...Microsoft: Help us, help you. And now, without further "ado", let's get ready to ruuuuumblllleeee.
Panther King and Heinrich steps into the ring first.
Panther King (Pointing at Heinrich) - I'll gonna beat your candy ass down. Then, when the millions, and the millions of the Panther's fans chant "Panther, Panther", I'll take down the professor and shove him up your jerbronie-ass. Cuz I'm the most electrifying cat in sports entertainment today!
Heinrich tries to "tail-trip" Panther King, but he takes a leap and takes down Heinrich as he lands. Knocking the alien down, he delivers punches after punches to the extraterrestrial's face, giving Heinrich a black eye, and a dislocated jaw.
But Heinrich uses his tail and wraps it around the Panther's neck. Heinrich gets up, lifting Panther with his tail off his feet. One mistake that he made was that Panther's position in the ring was convenient enough for Panther to tag Conker's hand.
Conker stepped into the ring with a chair in his hand and smacked Heinrich's back of the head. Heinrich let go of Panther and fell on his stomach. He kept bashing Heinrich's back until Weasel came in and elbowed Conker in his back of the head, knocking Conker's glasses off. Conker got up slowly.
Weasel Boss - What da matter with you?
Conker - You bastard, you killed my girlfriend.
Weasel Boss - And I'm glad too, you little s.o.b
Enraged, Conker ran towards Weasel with his chair in the air (that rhymed, hee hee). He took a swung at Weasel, but Weasel ducked and uppercutted Conker. Dazed, Conker's eye vision was a little blurry, and he stumbled out of the ring.
Weasel (picking up the chair)- This is gonna be easy.
Panther - Get up! Get up!
Conker was on his stomach and started to raise his body. On his knees, he was knocked down again with a chair at his back.
Conker - No...Berri....I will avenge you.
He got up again. Just as Weasel was gonna take another swing, Conker ducked, got up, and smacked Weasel's glasses off. Conker looked in Weasel's eyes with anger. Conker advandced to Weasel, and gave him a low blow.
Crowd - Ouch!
Weasel (holding his nuts) - AHHH! My f*ckin' nuts.
Gregg (tossing his sycth at Conker) - Here you go you little prick, kick that bastard's arse.
Conker raised the sycth, and was going to whack it hard on Weasel's back. But a 2 claws held his arms back. It was Heinrich.
Conker - Let go you bitch!
Heinrich - Do you really think you were gonna win that easily?
Panther King snuck up behind Heinrich and bit his tail. Heinrich let go in pain, and started throwing blind punches at Panther.
Heinrich - The *beep* is biting me! The *beep* is biting me!
Jerry (On the sidelines) - Yeah! That's it, bite his ass!
Conker spotted his sycth and started to bend over to pick it up, but it was kicked away by Weasel's foot. Now it was just hand-to-hand combat.
Meanwhile, on the bleachers, another fight was starting to brew.
Mr. Green - Hey, you, get off my seat.
Gargoyle - I was here first.
Mr. Green - I just went to go to the bathroom.
Gargoyle - I was just getting comfortable. And I'm not getting off anytime soon, have you ever sat on a gothic archeitecture? It gets up your arse, but if you care to come a little closer, we can discuss matters of another interest.
Mr. Green steps forward and gets knocked out by the Gargoyle's punch. Mr. Blue, Mr. Yellow, and Mr. Red jumped on Gargoyle. A huge riot begins.
Gregg - Now I'll show you how to bloody fight you little pricks.
Gregg starts showing off his wrestling skills (Gregg had a 3rd job). And while Gregg was beating on everyone, Panther King had a headlock around Heinrich.
Panther King - Who's your daddy?
Heinrich (in deep voice) - Panther, I am your father...
Panther King - Really?
Heinrich - No, I can't back that up, so...yeah...
They resume fighting while Weasel was still landing punches and kicks onto Conker's worn out body.
Weasel - Heh, Gregg here taught me how to fight when I was a youngster you see? That's why you can't test this boy.
Conker - Shut up!
Conker threw a inaccurate punch, and Weasel retaliated by knocking one of Conker's tooth out. Conker was unconscious and Weasel tossed his body aside. He then went in search of the Gregg's sycth, which he was going to use on Conker.
Gregg was using his sycth to defend himself from the cats who mysteriously appeared.
Gregg - Bloody hell! My one weakness.
Weasel - Hey bones, hand me that sharp knife you got there.
Gregg - Go f*ck yourself you bloody prick.
Weasel - Nobody, but NOBODY, talks to me like that!
Those 2 start duking it out and it ended up in Weasel choking Gregg.
Weasel - I'll kill you!
Gregg - You can't kill me, I'm already dead.
Weasel let go and noticed a red button near him. He pushed it and a metal tube shot out of the wall into Gregg's stomach.
Weasel - She's waiting for you...
With that, Gregg fell on his knees, and everything went black.
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Dark Voice - Gregg! GREGG!
Gregg starts waking up.
Dark Voice - Yes you boy! Your're dead! Deader than Al Gore! Deader than yo yo's! Deader than Pokemon cards! Deader than...*Megaphone malfunctions and Rodent walks out*
Rodent - It broke again!
Gregg - Where the bloody hell am I? Oh shite, my shift again eh?
Rodent nodded.
Gregg - Oh yeah, the bloody thing does that sometimes. And by the way, not bad on the opening speech, but try to put some more bloody feeling into it next time.
Rodent nodded again and walked off.
Gregg - Great! Just bloody great! It's my shift during a bloody mob riot.
*meow*
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Back on the battlefield, Conker was still knocked out, and the Weasel found the sycth. Weasel started walking towards Conker.
Weasel - For the glory of the Ashfords, you must die!!
He raised his sycth.
Everything froze.
C:....hey Conker? You ok buddy?
Conker starts waking up.
C: There ya go.
Conker - Shit, I forgot all about you.
C: Who doesn't?
Conker - Right, uhm, can you do me favour?
C: Yeah, I know. Weasel sort of had his way eh?
Conker - Yeah, and bad guys are suppose to lose, right?
C: Yup, well, I'll let you choose you weapons.
*Everything turns white, stacks of weapons appear.*
Conker - Hmm....decisions, decisions. Wow, a RCP-90, I never knew you had those.
C: There are other things you don't know I have.
*silence*
Conker - Riiiight.....I think I'll take the sword and the dagger.
C: Okey doke, I'll send you back to the secne where Weasel's about to slice your head off...You know what to do.
Conker - Yup....*starts laughing evilly*
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Weasel firmly gripped the sycth, and as Conker started getting up, he held the sycth like a baseball bat and was ready to swing.
He took his swung just as Conker ducked. Conker quickly turned around and shoved the sword right in Weasel's stomach. Weasel didn't fall to his knees cause the sword was holding his body back (ouch). Conker stood up and took out the dagger, and held it at Weasel's throat.
Conker - This one's for Berri.
Conker slowly pushed the dagger into Weasel's throat. Weasel let out a gasp for air and died.
The End
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*One day later*
Conker is in bed alone.
Conker - Hey.
C: Yeah?
Conker - I liked your ending, even though it was rather quick.
C: Really? I thought I could've emphasized it a little more.
Conker - I guess, but I liked the part of how Weasel got his comeuppance.
C: I thought it was a little violent, even for what he did.
Conker - Nah, the people love it. Oh and by the way, Weasel told everyone that you jacked off in the bathroom
C: He saw that?!?....er......I'll get back to you...
Conker - Heh, got him...
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Weasel Boss is lying on the cold hard floor.
PatrickSim - Weasel!
Weasel doesn't wake up.
PatrickSim - WEASEL!
Weasel still doesn't wake up.
PatrickSim - Oh f*ck it.
PatrickSim starts bitch-slapping Weasel until he wakes up.
Weasel - Huh? Where am I?
PatrickSim - You dead bitch.
Weasel - Where's Gregg?
PatrickSim - I told him to do something for me.
Weasel - Oh ok, I guess I'll be going now.
PatrickSim - You dress in the manner of a male prostitute.
Weasel - What?!
PatrickSim - You heard me....
Weasel - Nobody talks to me like that!
PatrickSim - Talk to you like that?! I'm the authour of this damn story! I can do whatever I want! And nobody, but NOBODY, tells everyone I'm gay! Especially in my own FIC!!!!
Weasel - What?! I never...
PatrickSim - Shut up, I know what you did. *snaps fingers*
Nemesis appears,
PatrickSim - Take care of him.
Nemesis nods, and holds Weasel by the neck with his tentacle. Then he shoves another tentacle in Weasel's face, then tosses the dead body aside. Rats come along and eat at the dead body.
Stan - Oh my god! You killed...oh...nevermind.
Stan walks off and PatrickSim shrugs.
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C: Now, where were we?
Conker - We were talking about the ening of your story, I think it was great.
C: Oh yeah! But I think I'll leave it to the reviews I'll get for this FanFic.
Conker - Just one thing I want, and this is the last thing I'll ever beg to you for.
C: Yeah I know, you want Berri back eh?
Conker makes his puppy eyes.
Conker - Please? Pretty please with cherries on top!
C: Yeah yeah. I'll bring her back, you deserve it. And Rareware will probably bring her back...or plan B will come in.
Conker - What's plan B?
C: Well, you'll either forget about it or you'll get another girlfriend. Well anyways, here's Berri *snaps finger*
Gregg and Berri appears.
Gregg - Here ya go you little prick!
Berri - Like, don't call my boyfriend a prick.
Berri slaps Gregg right in the face.
Gregg - OW! Hey PatrickSim...remember?
Gregg holds his hand in a fist and starts rubbing his thumb and index finger together.
C: Yeah yeah.
$5 cheque appears in Gregg's hand.
Gregg - Thank you, you cheap bastard. What does it bloody take to get a decent pay-check these days?
Gregg continues muttering as he walks out of Conker's house.
Conker - You payed Gregg to Berri for me? Thanks dude..
C: No need to go liberache on me now...anyways, I'll see you in my next fic.
Conker - ................next fic?......shit.....
THE REAL END
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A/N: ....well, that was the end. I think it was half-decent enough...but who cares what I think? Please read and review. About the 2 deaths of Weasel. When Conker kills him, it was the scene from The Patriot. When Nemesis kills him, I just thought he needed to suffer more for what he did in the real game. And for those of you who didn't get Gregg's "death" by the tube thing, it was another scene from "The world is not enough". Anyways, please review....I wanna know how my first Fic went.
A/N - Guess it ain't as short as I thought, my imagination is too much...now excuse me while I go walk under a ladder with an umbrella.
Conker jumps into the hole underneath the windmill, and lands in front of the Federal Reserve Bank. At the steps is none other than the weasel boss.
Weasel Boss - Well, it's you again...I have another job for yas. Well you see, my club ain't been gettin' no business and my financial troubles are rising. I need you to get inside and rob this joint. Then bring me back some dough...capiche? And while you're doing this, my boys will have the security cameras disabled.
Berri walks by wearing a catchy leather ensemble.
Conker - Berri!
Berri - Oh hi Conker.
Boss - I thought you said you didn't know this character.
Berri - Oh, he's, like, my boyfriend.
Boss - Well, are you gonna do it? Or will I have to convince you not to tell the cops?
Conker - ...er....I'll do it....but on one condition.
Boss (impatiently) - What is it?
Conker - If I get a suit as cool as hers.
Boss - Done. Oh and by the way, take this bomb in there with you.
Conker - Why? You said you've got boys there to disable the evidence.
Boss - I saw it in a movie, and don't you _ever_ question me again.
Conker - Ok, whatever you want.
Conker walks into the bank.
*Dramatic music plays*
Conker walks through the metal detector and is traced.
Weasel Guard (holds out a tray in front of Conker) - Please remove any metallic items you are carrying.
Conker looks at him, then "slams" the guard in stomach with his palm. 2 guards sitting down drop their "Village People" magazine, and takes out their gun.
Conker shoots them both with his twin CMP150's and shoots a charging guard in front of him.
Weasel Guard (talking to his walkie-talkie behind a pillar) - Backup! We need backup!!
Metal detector beeps and Weasel guard looks to see Berri shoot at him. 3 sets of blue laser fields appear in front of them and 2 Weasel SWAT Guards appear. Conker and Berri ducks for cover behind opposite pillars, just in time to avoid the rapid-fire K7 Avengers from the SWAT Guards.
"Regroup!!!"
With that, Conker jumps out of his covering and does a flip in mid-air.
*Matrix theme plays, everything goes to slow-mo. Bullets can be seen dashing to their targets leaving a whirl of force/air behind them.*
Conker gets those 2 out of the way and hides behind the pillar again.
Berri looks at Conker, waiting for the signal. Conker nods and Berri jumps and does a wall-kick flip above the laser beams and disables the first set of lasers. 3 more SWATs appear, Conker flips through mid-air again, easily dispatching all of them. Berri disables the 2nd set of lasers, and a guard surprises Conker, but Conker quickly improvises.
Conker turns to his side, firing his double Falcon 2s. The guard makes lightning reflexes, dodging them all.
Conker - Berri! Help.
The guard squeezes the trigger...a hail of bullets go flying to Conker's head in a straight line.
*Everything goes slow-mo*
Conker falls backwards, and the bullets skim across Conker's chest and face. Conker then lands on his back, his eyes blinded by the bright lights of the bank, but a shadow appears over him...
Weasel Guard (towering above Conker) - Only a squirrel....
He aims his gun at Conker.
Berri (holding a gun to the guards cheek)- Dodge this...
*bang*...right in the guards face.
Berri - How'd you do that?
Conker - Do what?
Berri - I never saw anyone move so fast, you move just like them.
Conker - Who's them?
Berri shrugs and they hide behind the next pillars. Conker's pillar gets shot at, then at the last second, he jumps and shoots all the guards.
Berri deactivated the laser grid. 1 guard is left behind.
Conker runs up to him and jumps in mid-air. He kicks him in the chest, then with his other foot, kicks him again in the face. The guard falls down unconscious.
One more guard appears and before he can shoot at Conker, Berri throws a knife right between his eyes.
Conker and Berri steps into the elevator. The elevator closes and a piece of the pillar slides off. The elevator reaches the top floor and in front of Conker and Berri is a complex system of hundreds of lasers.
Conker - Knew that was too easy...
Berri - Hold on Conker, I'll take care of this.
Berri kneels down beside the wall in front of the lasers. A beeping noise is heard and the lasers deactivate. Conker and Berri head inside the vault.
Inside are 10 wads of 10,000 $10 bills. Conker walked towards them.
Monies - So, another wise guy eh?
Conker - Jet packs and butlers here I come!
$1,000,000 flashes across the screen.
Conker - Hey Berri! Look, I'm a millionaire!!!
Berri stares behind Conker and doesn't answer.
Conker - ....What are you looking at?
Conker turns around.
Panther King - Ah, welcome to my lair. I hope you've enjoyed your stay.
Conker - Hey, you leave us alone.
Berri - Don't worry Conker, I know how to deal with men like these.
Weasel boss steps out behind Panther King.
Panther King - Take care of her, and save the other squirrel for me.
Boss - Will do boss. Sorry toots, but your time has come
The boss wastes all his ammo on Berri. Berri falls to the ground.
Conker - BERRI!!!
Conker kneels down to Berri.
Berri - Conker....
Conker - Oh no...
Berri dies right in the arms of Conker. Ze Professor comes out just has Panther King starts having heart pains.
Ze Prof. - Now we will see who gets ze duct tape!
Panther King - How can this be?!? You shouldn't be here, you died back in that other chapter!
Ze Prof. - Correction, herr master, I only fell from ze tower, the author never, mentioned my death.
Panther King - F*CK!
Panther King falls off his throne, still clutching at his heart. A bright light appeared, and out came...Neo.
Neo - Panther king, you can take either the red pill, or the blue pill.
Panther King - What's the difference.
Neo - You take the red pill, you'll find how deep the rabbit hole goes. You take the red, you get fast heartache relief...
Panther King swipes the red pill before faster than Neo can dodge bullets. He swallows the pill, and the heartache disappeared.
Neo - Damn! That's the fifth time they did this....oh well...
Neo disappears.
Panther King - GUARDS!
Fat guard and Skinny guard appears.
Fat Guard - Yes? my lord?
Panther King - GET ME THE DUCT TAPE!
Skinny Guard - At once...sire
Ze Prof. - Oh f*ck! What iz thiz? Vhat happened to my win-win situation? That iz it! Heinrich! come to me at once!
Heinrich (the alien) comes forward.
Ze Prof - Ah my pet, go show them vhat your made of ya..
Panther King - Oh f*ck, hey Conker! I think I'm going to need your help in beating this guy.
Conker - Get me the the bastard Weasel!
Weasel Boss - Shit, hey professor, I'm gonna take your side with the alien, capiche?
Ze Prof - Oh vhatever the f*ck you vwant.
And here are the teams: Conker and Panther King vs. Heinrich and Weasel Boss (He's substituting ze Prof. since he can't fight).
The side walls open up, revealing the whole cast cheering them on.
Tediz - Go for the shins! Go for the shins!
Little Girl - *giggles* Go mr. alien! Yay!
Franky - You show them what your made of mr. squirrel.
Pot - Open a can of whoop-ass on him!
Brush - yeah, whoop his ass.
Everyone else - Blood! Blood! Blood!
Gregg - Get your bloody nuts, get them here. Fresh and what-not. Buy the damn nuts now, you pricks.
A/N: Gregg took a second job after he realized his grim-reaper role couldn't support his wife and 4 kids.
Nemesis - I'll have some nuts, no ketchup please...
Sunflower - Get your big, salty nuts away from me..
Announcer - In the first corner, we have the defending champion, Heinrich!"
Heinrich walks toward the ring, rap music is playing while he struts himself into the ring. Ze prof walks alongside him while holding a towel.
Announcer - And his team-mate, the Weasel Boss!
Weasel Boss walks into the ring while "mafia-type" music plays.
Announcer - And in the second corner, we have the Fabled Panther King
Psycho theme music plays when Panther King makes his entrance.
Announcer - And last, but not least, we have Conker!!!"
Lights darken, Rocky theme music (Gonna Fly Now) plays. Conker, wearing his Neo outfit, "hovers" above the ring, and is lowered slowly. In the ring, he takes off the black leather trench coat.
Announcer - Tonights event is sponsered by Microsoft...Microsoft: Help us, help you. And now, without further "ado", let's get ready to ruuuuumblllleeee.
Panther King and Heinrich steps into the ring first.
Panther King (Pointing at Heinrich) - I'll gonna beat your candy ass down. Then, when the millions, and the millions of the Panther's fans chant "Panther, Panther", I'll take down the professor and shove him up your jerbronie-ass. Cuz I'm the most electrifying cat in sports entertainment today!
Heinrich tries to "tail-trip" Panther King, but he takes a leap and takes down Heinrich as he lands. Knocking the alien down, he delivers punches after punches to the extraterrestrial's face, giving Heinrich a black eye, and a dislocated jaw.
But Heinrich uses his tail and wraps it around the Panther's neck. Heinrich gets up, lifting Panther with his tail off his feet. One mistake that he made was that Panther's position in the ring was convenient enough for Panther to tag Conker's hand.
Conker stepped into the ring with a chair in his hand and smacked Heinrich's back of the head. Heinrich let go of Panther and fell on his stomach. He kept bashing Heinrich's back until Weasel came in and elbowed Conker in his back of the head, knocking Conker's glasses off. Conker got up slowly.
Weasel Boss - What da matter with you?
Conker - You bastard, you killed my girlfriend.
Weasel Boss - And I'm glad too, you little s.o.b
Enraged, Conker ran towards Weasel with his chair in the air (that rhymed, hee hee). He took a swung at Weasel, but Weasel ducked and uppercutted Conker. Dazed, Conker's eye vision was a little blurry, and he stumbled out of the ring.
Weasel (picking up the chair)- This is gonna be easy.
Panther - Get up! Get up!
Conker was on his stomach and started to raise his body. On his knees, he was knocked down again with a chair at his back.
Conker - No...Berri....I will avenge you.
He got up again. Just as Weasel was gonna take another swing, Conker ducked, got up, and smacked Weasel's glasses off. Conker looked in Weasel's eyes with anger. Conker advandced to Weasel, and gave him a low blow.
Crowd - Ouch!
Weasel (holding his nuts) - AHHH! My f*ckin' nuts.
Gregg (tossing his sycth at Conker) - Here you go you little prick, kick that bastard's arse.
Conker raised the sycth, and was going to whack it hard on Weasel's back. But a 2 claws held his arms back. It was Heinrich.
Conker - Let go you bitch!
Heinrich - Do you really think you were gonna win that easily?
Panther King snuck up behind Heinrich and bit his tail. Heinrich let go in pain, and started throwing blind punches at Panther.
Heinrich - The *beep* is biting me! The *beep* is biting me!
Jerry (On the sidelines) - Yeah! That's it, bite his ass!
Conker spotted his sycth and started to bend over to pick it up, but it was kicked away by Weasel's foot. Now it was just hand-to-hand combat.
Meanwhile, on the bleachers, another fight was starting to brew.
Mr. Green - Hey, you, get off my seat.
Gargoyle - I was here first.
Mr. Green - I just went to go to the bathroom.
Gargoyle - I was just getting comfortable. And I'm not getting off anytime soon, have you ever sat on a gothic archeitecture? It gets up your arse, but if you care to come a little closer, we can discuss matters of another interest.
Mr. Green steps forward and gets knocked out by the Gargoyle's punch. Mr. Blue, Mr. Yellow, and Mr. Red jumped on Gargoyle. A huge riot begins.
Gregg - Now I'll show you how to bloody fight you little pricks.
Gregg starts showing off his wrestling skills (Gregg had a 3rd job). And while Gregg was beating on everyone, Panther King had a headlock around Heinrich.
Panther King - Who's your daddy?
Heinrich (in deep voice) - Panther, I am your father...
Panther King - Really?
Heinrich - No, I can't back that up, so...yeah...
They resume fighting while Weasel was still landing punches and kicks onto Conker's worn out body.
Weasel - Heh, Gregg here taught me how to fight when I was a youngster you see? That's why you can't test this boy.
Conker - Shut up!
Conker threw a inaccurate punch, and Weasel retaliated by knocking one of Conker's tooth out. Conker was unconscious and Weasel tossed his body aside. He then went in search of the Gregg's sycth, which he was going to use on Conker.
Gregg was using his sycth to defend himself from the cats who mysteriously appeared.
Gregg - Bloody hell! My one weakness.
Weasel - Hey bones, hand me that sharp knife you got there.
Gregg - Go f*ck yourself you bloody prick.
Weasel - Nobody, but NOBODY, talks to me like that!
Those 2 start duking it out and it ended up in Weasel choking Gregg.
Weasel - I'll kill you!
Gregg - You can't kill me, I'm already dead.
Weasel let go and noticed a red button near him. He pushed it and a metal tube shot out of the wall into Gregg's stomach.
Weasel - She's waiting for you...
With that, Gregg fell on his knees, and everything went black.
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Dark Voice - Gregg! GREGG!
Gregg starts waking up.
Dark Voice - Yes you boy! Your're dead! Deader than Al Gore! Deader than yo yo's! Deader than Pokemon cards! Deader than...*Megaphone malfunctions and Rodent walks out*
Rodent - It broke again!
Gregg - Where the bloody hell am I? Oh shite, my shift again eh?
Rodent nodded.
Gregg - Oh yeah, the bloody thing does that sometimes. And by the way, not bad on the opening speech, but try to put some more bloody feeling into it next time.
Rodent nodded again and walked off.
Gregg - Great! Just bloody great! It's my shift during a bloody mob riot.
*meow*
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Back on the battlefield, Conker was still knocked out, and the Weasel found the sycth. Weasel started walking towards Conker.
Weasel - For the glory of the Ashfords, you must die!!
He raised his sycth.
Everything froze.
C:....hey Conker? You ok buddy?
Conker starts waking up.
C: There ya go.
Conker - Shit, I forgot all about you.
C: Who doesn't?
Conker - Right, uhm, can you do me favour?
C: Yeah, I know. Weasel sort of had his way eh?
Conker - Yeah, and bad guys are suppose to lose, right?
C: Yup, well, I'll let you choose you weapons.
*Everything turns white, stacks of weapons appear.*
Conker - Hmm....decisions, decisions. Wow, a RCP-90, I never knew you had those.
C: There are other things you don't know I have.
*silence*
Conker - Riiiight.....I think I'll take the sword and the dagger.
C: Okey doke, I'll send you back to the secne where Weasel's about to slice your head off...You know what to do.
Conker - Yup....*starts laughing evilly*
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Weasel firmly gripped the sycth, and as Conker started getting up, he held the sycth like a baseball bat and was ready to swing.
He took his swung just as Conker ducked. Conker quickly turned around and shoved the sword right in Weasel's stomach. Weasel didn't fall to his knees cause the sword was holding his body back (ouch). Conker stood up and took out the dagger, and held it at Weasel's throat.
Conker - This one's for Berri.
Conker slowly pushed the dagger into Weasel's throat. Weasel let out a gasp for air and died.
The End
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*One day later*
Conker is in bed alone.
Conker - Hey.
C: Yeah?
Conker - I liked your ending, even though it was rather quick.
C: Really? I thought I could've emphasized it a little more.
Conker - I guess, but I liked the part of how Weasel got his comeuppance.
C: I thought it was a little violent, even for what he did.
Conker - Nah, the people love it. Oh and by the way, Weasel told everyone that you jacked off in the bathroom
C: He saw that?!?....er......I'll get back to you...
Conker - Heh, got him...
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Weasel Boss is lying on the cold hard floor.
PatrickSim - Weasel!
Weasel doesn't wake up.
PatrickSim - WEASEL!
Weasel still doesn't wake up.
PatrickSim - Oh f*ck it.
PatrickSim starts bitch-slapping Weasel until he wakes up.
Weasel - Huh? Where am I?
PatrickSim - You dead bitch.
Weasel - Where's Gregg?
PatrickSim - I told him to do something for me.
Weasel - Oh ok, I guess I'll be going now.
PatrickSim - You dress in the manner of a male prostitute.
Weasel - What?!
PatrickSim - You heard me....
Weasel - Nobody talks to me like that!
PatrickSim - Talk to you like that?! I'm the authour of this damn story! I can do whatever I want! And nobody, but NOBODY, tells everyone I'm gay! Especially in my own FIC!!!!
Weasel - What?! I never...
PatrickSim - Shut up, I know what you did. *snaps fingers*
Nemesis appears,
PatrickSim - Take care of him.
Nemesis nods, and holds Weasel by the neck with his tentacle. Then he shoves another tentacle in Weasel's face, then tosses the dead body aside. Rats come along and eat at the dead body.
Stan - Oh my god! You killed...oh...nevermind.
Stan walks off and PatrickSim shrugs.
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C: Now, where were we?
Conker - We were talking about the ening of your story, I think it was great.
C: Oh yeah! But I think I'll leave it to the reviews I'll get for this FanFic.
Conker - Just one thing I want, and this is the last thing I'll ever beg to you for.
C: Yeah I know, you want Berri back eh?
Conker makes his puppy eyes.
Conker - Please? Pretty please with cherries on top!
C: Yeah yeah. I'll bring her back, you deserve it. And Rareware will probably bring her back...or plan B will come in.
Conker - What's plan B?
C: Well, you'll either forget about it or you'll get another girlfriend. Well anyways, here's Berri *snaps finger*
Gregg and Berri appears.
Gregg - Here ya go you little prick!
Berri - Like, don't call my boyfriend a prick.
Berri slaps Gregg right in the face.
Gregg - OW! Hey PatrickSim...remember?
Gregg holds his hand in a fist and starts rubbing his thumb and index finger together.
C: Yeah yeah.
$5 cheque appears in Gregg's hand.
Gregg - Thank you, you cheap bastard. What does it bloody take to get a decent pay-check these days?
Gregg continues muttering as he walks out of Conker's house.
Conker - You payed Gregg to Berri for me? Thanks dude..
C: No need to go liberache on me now...anyways, I'll see you in my next fic.
Conker - ................next fic?......shit.....
THE REAL END
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A/N: ....well, that was the end. I think it was half-decent enough...but who cares what I think? Please read and review. About the 2 deaths of Weasel. When Conker kills him, it was the scene from The Patriot. When Nemesis kills him, I just thought he needed to suffer more for what he did in the real game. And for those of you who didn't get Gregg's "death" by the tube thing, it was another scene from "The world is not enough". Anyways, please review....I wanna know how my first Fic went.