A/N: First of all, I'm terribly sorry that it took me this long to update. I was out of town for two months and didn't have internet access, so it was impossible for me to update it sooner. I hope you'll enjoy this (extremely late) chapter, though! :)

21. And We Just Can't Help But Wonder

"There." Addison looks at the carefully wrapped present and smiles proudly at herself. "Perfect."

She's spent the last two days doing some Christmas shopping, and the whole seasonal spirit has gotten into her. She's even bought some tinsel to put a little bit of holiday cheer in her hotel room, even though she's fairly sure that puts her one step closer to being completely pathetic. But she doesn't care. Not today, anyway. Today, she's woken up early to wrap all the presents she's bought so she can have them sent to her loved ones. And Addison loves giving presents. It's actually the thing she loves the most about Christmas, and that's saying something considering how much she loves the holidays.

When she's finished placing the perfectly made bow on the last present, she starts grouping the gifts by recipient. Weiss and Savvy's piles are the biggest by far – she went a little overboard, but she thinks they deserve it – followed closely by the group of little boxes full of seasonal sweets she's sending to Derek's nieces and nephews. She knows they're technically not her family anymore, but having put her signature on a piece of paper doesn't mean she doesn't love them anymore. Which is exactly the reasoning behind the four cheerfully wrapped boxes that contain Derek's sisters' presents. She's still trying to decide on what to buy for Mrs. Shepherd. Next to them are the gifts she's bought for Sam and Naomi, Maya, Derek, Richard and Adele, her former Chief back in Manhattan, and a few of her co-workers at Mount Sinai.

Looking at the embarassingly high number of presents, she can't help but smile and think she's not so lonely, after all. She has people in her life. Maybe not physically with her, but they're still there. People she loves and who – she hopes – love her too. And, with a bright smile on her face, she gets to the last present. The most important one. Mark's.

It's a middle-sized box that she's wrapped and unwrapped five times in the twenty four hours since she brought it to her room. Three of those times, she saw some barely visible imperfection in her wrapping job and decided to start again. It had to be perfect. The other two times, she couldn't resist the urge to open it and look inside. It is perfect. Absolutely perfect. Or at least she hopes it is. She hopes Mark will think it is.

The sound of her phone ringing stops her from tearing the paper for the sixth time, and she answers with a smile when she sees Savvy's name on the small screen. "Merry Christmas, Savvy!"

"It's not for another three days, you know." Savvy chuckles to herself. "How are you doing?"

"I'm good. I'm great. You know how I am with the holidays."

"Oh, I know." Addison laughs at that. "So, when are you coming home?"

"Well, I..." She hasn't told Savvy that she's staying in Seattle yet. She figured the later she told her, the less time she'd have to try and convince her. She doesn't need to be convinced. She knows she's doing the right thing. "I'm not coming, Sav."

"You're not coming home for Christmas? Addie!"

"I'm sorry, I just don't feel like-"

"But it's tradition, Addie! We spend the holidays together, all of us."

"Right. All of us." She sighs and hears Savvy do the same, and she knows she understands. "I'm not ready for Christmas in Manhattan yet, Sav. I'm sorry. I really wanted to see you guys."

"Well, we want to see you too." She stays silent for a moment. "You know, if you'd told me, we could have come to you. But now... everything's gonna be booked already."

"I know. I know."

Savvy sighs on the other side of the country, and Addison suddenly wishes she'd told her sooner. She misses her friend. "I'm not sending all your presents to Seattle. I'm keeping the best ones until you come here to get them."

Addison chuckles and nods. "Fair enough."

"Next Christmas, though, you're getting your ass on a plane and coming here. I'm not going to be away from Junior on her first Christmas."

And Addison stays silent after that, because she hadn't even thought about that herself. This is the last Christmas before Blob gets here. Her last Christmas before she becomes a mother. And all of a sudden, the holiday season becomes even more special.

x.x.x

Izzie's bright smile almost literally blinds her when she sees her at the nurses' station two hours later, and Addison is almost sure Izzie's doing everything she can to control the urge to give her a hug. Her bubbly intern is finally back.

"Merry Christmas, Dr. Montgomery!"

Finally. A little bit of holiday spirit. Addison's smile matches Izzie's when she replies. "Merry Christmas to you too, Izzie."

The intern looks delighted that she's not the only one that believes this is, indeed, the season to be jolly. "Do we have any cool seasonal surgeries today?"

"I'm afraid we don't." Addison chuckles slightly. "You're gonna have to work with someone else today, none of my cases are surgical."

Izzie pouts slightly at that, but perks up again seconds later. "Well, that's a good thing, right? Not the not working with you part, just... no surgeries is a good thing." Addison can't help but nod. She does have a point. "Hey, Dr. Montgomery?"

"Yes?"

"I'm thinking about doing a Secret Santa thing. Do you want in?"

Addison is not sure she likes the prospect of buying – or receiving, for that matter – a present for Meredith Grey, but Izzie's smile and the promise of a seasonal activity is enough to make her accept. "Sure, Stevens. Count me in."

"Great!" And it's one of those greats that she's pretty sure can only come from Isobel Stevens three days away from Christmas. A great that somehow reaches her eyes and makes her whole face glow with happiness and joy. Her huge – by East Coast standards – holiday spirit seems inadequate in comparison.

"Stevens! Rounds!"

Bailey's voice puts an end to their conversation, and Izzie all but skips towards the group of somber-looking interns while she yells over her shoulder. "I'll let you know when we're doing the thing!"

Addison chuckles to herself and nods, and decides that Izzie Stevens is definitely the best intern she's ever had. Not only is she talented and nice, but she also plans Secret Santa things and is the picture of holiday spirit. And liking the holidays is up there in Addison's list of reasons to like a person. She decides to use her free time to stop by the NICU and pay Charlotte, Lucy, Kate and Julie a visit – even though they're not surgical anymore – and starts walking towards the elevator, but her phone rings and she walks into an on-call room to talk.

"Merry Christmas, Addie!"

She smiles at the sound of Mark's voice. "Merry Christmas!"

"When are you getting here?"

And the smile falls from her face. She didn't tell him, either. Probably because he is the one and only reason why she doubts her decission to stay in Seattle. "I'm not coming."

"What do you mean, you're not coming?"

"I mean, I'm not going to be in Manhattan for the holidays."

"But it's tradition!"

She sighs into the phone. Sometimes, she wonders why she even talks to both Savvy and Mark when they spend so much time together that their brains are synchronized. "I know. I'm just... not ready for Christmas in Manhattan yet."

Mark takes a moment to reply, and his voice is cold when he finally speaks. She can even feel a hint of resentment in it. "Because of him." She doesn't answer, and he takes it as a yes. "So you're not coming here to spend the holidays with the people who love you because of him, but you're fine with spending them alone in the same city he's in? And you couldn't even call so we could come to Seattle instead!?"

"I'm sorry, I just didn't think..."

"Damn straight you didn't!" And she's slightly surprised by how angry he seems to be. "You didn't think of Savvy and Weiss and how badly they want to see you. They bought a fucking turkey for Christmas dinner!"

"Mark, I..."

"We all miss you, and we're happy that you're moving on, but it'd be nice of you to not move on from us!" She knows he has a point. She does, really. But she doesn't care for the way he's saying it. With his voice beginning to rise, in a way that – if he was there – would definitely earn him some serious glaring from her. "We wanted to spend the holidays with you, we wanted to see you and the bump and see if you're doing fine!"

It feels personal – because it is – and she has a feeling he means "I" and not "we", but she doesn't let herself believe it. Because, if she did – if she acknowledged the fact that maybe this is Mark telling her that he misses her – she'd have to hop on the next plane to Manhattan and forget about spending the holidays away from all the memories she's left there. But Mark yells something about her avoiding him again and him deserving to spend some time with his friend at Christmas, and she loses her cool.

"Stop yelling at me! This is my choice and you don't get to question it. You don't have the right to get mad over not seeing me anymore!"

She knows she's sounded more bitter than she wanted to. That her veiled reference to them not being a couple anymore wasn't so veiled, after all. That maybe, just maybe, she let her feelings on the subject show.

"You know what? You're right." He spits the words at her, and she wants to make it right. Tell him that she didn't mean to say that, or maybe just not that way. But her brain doesn't cooperate.

"I know I am."

She hears him take a deep breath and she can almost see him shaking his head in defeat. "Merry Christmas, Addison." Hearing her full name from him stings just a little bit more than it should.

"Merry Christmas." But he hangs up before she can finish saying the last word.

So much for a drama-free Christmas. And she knows she's messed up, once again. She can only hope this wasn't the last straw. That this last unreasonable fight won't be the one that makes him give up and move on. That she's not making it just so hard that it's not worth it anymore. She's not sure why she can't seem to communicate with Mark without it ending in a fight. Savvy was right, they only fight when they're together. Or thinking about being together. Or just plain touching a subject that somehow relates to them being together.

She doesn't know why it happens. If she wanted to really look for an answer – and she's not quite sure she does – she would probably have to admit that she's scared out of her mind. Scared of being hurt again, of hurting him again and – most of all – of hurting Blob in the process. Sometimes, she thinks they could make it work. That they could fight together instead of with each other, and they could be happy together. Other times, though, she has to admit that she doesn't think they could ever make things work between them. That they're just too dysfunctional, too messed up, too Adulterous Whore and Dirty Mistress to be together. All in all, she's scared. And she fights with him because it seems somehow safer than acknowledging what she actually feels.

x.x.x

"Woman is unreasonable! When did watching a six year old dressed up as a wiseman..."

Addison hears Richard's rambling as soon as she steps out of the on-call room, and she flashes him a smile as she joins him and Patricia walking down the hall. "Merry Christmas, Richard! And Patricia." Patricia returns her smile, but Richard shoots her a less than amused look. "Or... not so merry, after all. What's wrong?"

"Adele wants me to leave my hospital unattended to go see our niece's Christmas recital."

"A Christmas recital? That's nice! I've always loved seeing those..." Richard's glare makes her cock her eyebrow at him. "Since when do we not like Christmas? I distinctly remember you dressed up as Santa for the kids when I was an intern."

Patricia has to make a big effort not to laugh at that, but Richard only points in the general direction of the OR board. "I have seven surgeons on vacation, Addie. Seven! I can't leave my hospital unattended with seven surgeons on vacation!"

"Richard, I'm pretty sure this hospital will survive for a day without you. Go enjoy the reindeer and the Christmas spirit with your wife."

He sighs loudly before opening the door to his office. "You'll page me if anything happens?"

And she nods with an amused smile on her face. "Should all the evils in the world take advantage of your absence to finally conquer this hospital, you'll be the first to know."

"Do I look amused to you?"

"Not really, no." And she smiles at him. "But you should, in the spirit of Christmas."

Richard half-smiles at that, but shakes his head and pretends not to be happy in the slightest. "The spirit of Christmas... I didn't teach you that."

Addison starts walking out of the room and looks at him to answer. "That one's a natural talent." And Richard is laughing when she closes the door behind her after walking out of his office.

x.x.x

A few hours later, after checking up on her patients and making sure none of them were going to give birth in the next couple of hours, Addison goes back to her locker and takes out the Christmas catalogue she received on the mail to try to choose her last present. She hasn't talked to Mrs. Shepherd since before Derek left Manhattan and she assumes she's not her favorite person in the world, but they've been family for over a decade, and Addison is not about to leave her off her Christmas list. She's never been one for etiquette mistakes.

She uses her pen to circle some items that look like they may make good presents, and smiles when she sees Derek walking up to her. "Merry Christmas!"

"Hey." Derek's half-hearted greeting makes her vow to not talk to anyone in this hospital – except for Stevens – until the holidays are over. So much for Christmas spirit. And he cocks his eyebrow at her when he sees the catalogue in her hands, as if it was something outrageous to do Christmas shopping in Christmas. "Presents?"

Addison nods at him, the smile still on her face. "Uh huh. Can you help me with your mom's?"

"You're buying my mother a present?"

"Yeah, I mean..." She looks questioningly at him. "It's not inappropriate, right? I just... I thought it'd be a nice thing to do."

"It will be." He nods and smiles at her. "She'll like that."

And her smile gets brighter at that. "Ok, for your mom." She flips through the pages until she finds the one item she likes the most. "I got a lamb's wool blanket, hand made in Edimburgh. It's soft, comfortable and says 'don't hate me for hurting your son', except with fabric."

"Addie, you know my mom loves you."

"No. She used to love me. I got a lot of ground to make up for with this gift." And she hands him the catalogue. "So what do you think? Plain or plaid?"

"I don't know." Addison frowns slightly at that. "Why are you so worried about her liking you?"

"Well... she's family. I don't want her hating me."

"She won't. She doesn't. My mother doesn't hate people."

"Still." She nods at the catalogue in his hands. "Plain or plaid?"

And he lets out an exhausted sigh. "Plaid."

"Thank you." She smiles at him. "And Merry Christmas."

He's about to say something when Izzie calls his name and Derek rushes towards her, obviously happy to get away from Addison, her catalogue and her holiday spirit. She'd be lying if she said she isn't worried about Derek's sudden hatred of Christmas – he's always been a holiday person, just like her – but she decides she has enough drama with her own, and turns around to head in the other direction.

x.x.x

A few hours later, after two quick and uncomplicated labors that resulted in Liam and Baby Girl Salazar entering the world, Addison decides to go down to the cafeteria and have something to eat. She's been feeling flutters in her stomach for a while now, and she's hoping for some food to make them stop. With her eyebrows furrowed slightly in concentration, she looks at her lunch options for a while, trying to decide what to take. She's getting sick of tuna salads already, and the other choices don't look edible in the slightest.

"You should try the turkey sandwich. It's tastier than it looks." She turns around to face Izzie, and the intern keeps talking as she grabs one for herself. "And, you know, it's turkey, so it's seasonal in a way. In a... very, very subtle way."

Addison chuckles slightly and picks the fresher-looking one from the cart. "I like subtle." And she puts the sandwich on her tray. "I'm gonna go ahead and get some red and green jello, for extra holiday cheer." Izzie laughs and pays for her food, and Addison starts walking towards one of the tables, not noticing Izzie has stayed behind.

"Dr. Montgomery?"

She turns around, slightly surprised to see Izzie still standing by the cart. "Yes?"

"Can I sit with you? I mean, if you don't mind? I know we're not working together today, but..."

Addison smiles at her and sits down, motioning for her to do the same. It's the first time someone's reaching out to her in Seattle, and she's more than happy about it. "I'm pretty sure there's no rule that says we can't talk if we're not working together, Stevens."

Izzie chuckles at that, and speaks as she starts unwrapping her sandwich. "Are you going anywhere for the holidays, Dr. Montgomery?"

"Addison." Izzie smiles and takes the first bite of her sandwich. "And no, I'm staying here." Addison does her best to sound happier about it than what she actually feels. "What about you? Any seasonal plans?"

"Well..." Izzie shrugs slightly. "I've been planning a nice Christmas dinner for George and Meredith, and Cristina and Dr. Burke if they want to come, too." She looks at Addison then, blushing slightly. "I uh would love to have you there but-"

Addison decides to help her out. "It'd be awkward." Actually, aawkward doesn't even begin to cover what a Christmas dinner with Meredith and Addison sitting at the same table would be, but she figures she doesn't need to get into details.

"Yeah." Izzie smiles at her, glad that her boss doesn't seem to mind. "Awkward."

"Anyway." Addison takes a sip of her water and sits back on her chair. "What are you working on today?"

Izzie's face lights up at that. "I'm working with this great family that's just... they celebrate Hanumas!" Addison chuckles slightly at that. Hanumas? "Chrismukkah? Like Christmas and Hanukkah all rolled into one! And the kids are so cute, you should have seen them, Dr. Mont-Addison. Leah and Jake and... their little sister that's just so sweet. And they think it's a sign from God that McDrea... that Dr. Shepherd's name is Shepherd, as in Jesus, which has to be the sweetest thing I've ever heard."

Addison nods at her, more than a little amused at her excitement. She'll have to make sure she has at least one surgery tomorrow, she doesn't want to miss out on Izzie Stevens on a holiday high. "They sound like a great family."

"Oh, they are." Izzie nods emphatically. "You can just feel how much they love each other. They're just what I needed to cheer me up after the whole... thing. You know, with..."

"Well, I'm glad you're feeling better!" She decides to keep talking before Izzie can go on another speech about nurses with STDs and the great sex Karev's missing out on. She's heard the story a few times already between surgeries in the past week, and – while she's happy that Stevens is opening up to her – she's not so fond of sexually charged conversations. Not when she's finally managed to get her hormones under control. "I hope everything goes well with the surgery."

"Yeah, me too. I'm sure it will, with the whole... Shepherd thing." Izzie looks a little embarrassed of her own choice of words. "How is Miss Salazar..." But she can't finish her question before her pager goes off, and she frowns slightly when she looks at it. "I have to go." And she flashes her another bright smile. "It was nice talking to you, Dr. Montgomery!"

"You too. Good luck!" And Izzie smiles at her as she rushes out of the cafeteria.

x.x.x

After finishing her subtly seasonal lunch by herself, Addison goes back to the maternity wing and decides to visit the NICU before checking on the rest of her patients. It's always a good thing when none of the babies in there are surgical, and she figures spending some time with them can only improve her mood. Not that it needs much improving after Izzie's cheerful talk, but she knows from experience that the moment she allows herself to think, her mind will go back to Mark. And their fight. And the implied but not acknowledged reasons behind it. And she decides she can't let those thoughts get a hold of her brain before she's done working for the day.

"Merry Christmas, everyone." She smiles at the babies sleeping in their incubators and walks over to the first one, letting the baby hold her finger in his tiny fist. After all these years of working with babies and these little moments becoming a part of her routine, she's finding herself seeing it all under a different light. It's definitely not the same now that she knows she's only six months away from having those moments with her own baby. And she's caught herself wondering whether Blob's nose will look like Julie's or Liam's, or whether it'll feel lighter or heavier than Baby Salazar when it's in her arms. But that's not all.

Addison wonders if she'll beg for the epidural like Mrs. Blair or grit her teeth and do it the old-fashioned way like Miss McKay. If she'll cry when she holds her baby for the first time like Miss Salazar or just take a quick look and ask them to let her sleep for a few hours like Mrs. Kim. And – if she's not focusing on keeping her thoughts in line – she finds herself wondering whether Mark will stand by her bed every step of the way and let her squeeze his hand until it bruises, like Mr. Logan. If he'll rush out of the room and proudly announce that he's a father, like Mr. Blair. If he'll repeat over and over again how much he loves her and how happy he is, like Mr. Roberts. If they'll be as close, happy and in love as Tom and Dorie Russell.

She blames her hormones for that. Her hormones and the holidays. And also society, for drilling the idea of having the baby's father by her side into her head. She'll blame everything and everyone before she lets herself admit that maybe it's just the fact that she wants to do this with Mark. That now that the initial shock is over, and now that she doesn't resent him for cheating on her anymore, she's beginning to see that maybe he's not just a manwhore with a big heart. That maybe – bad timing aside – she's glad that she's having a baby with him.

That maybe Mark Sloan, with his ability to make her laugh and smile and sometimes even blush as easily as he makes her scream in frustration, his perfect mix of cocky remarks, inappropriate jokes and thoughtful gestures, and his subtle ways of showing that he cares and he loves and he feels, is the one man she wants to have a baby with. That maybe – just maybe – the only thing she'd change about his role in all this has to do with her and not with Blob. But she blames the hormones, and the holidays, and society, because it's easier that way.

She stays with the babies until she realizes she's dangerously close to thinking about Mark again, and then steps away from the incubators and leaves the NICU, hoping for someone to page her soon. She needs to keep her mind focused on something so it won't go back to the other thoughts. The ones that aren't dirty anymore, but she wishes they were. They were easier to manage when they were. But her pager stays quiet, and she picks up a chart at the nurse's station, willing herself to concentrate on the notes written on it.

"They are unbelievable!"

Addison turns around, slightly started, and faces Izzie, who looks like she's about to kill someone. "Excuse me?"

"Unbelievable!" Addison is not quite sure Izzie is talking to her at this point. She looks like she's just talking to herself. "They hate him, and as soon as he cheats on me they're all over him! All worried about him and his problems, and they don't seem to care that he cheated on me!" Addison just looks at her, wondering if she's supposed to say something. "And they say they don't actually like Christmas. That they put up with it for me! They all hate Christmas, and then their dark thoughts leak into people's brains, and they lose their holiday spirit!"

"I'm sorry, Stevens... what?"

It's then that Izzie realizes she's actually talking to someone that needs complete sentences to make sense of what she's trying to say. "Alex. He failed his boards and now they're all helping him, as if he hadn't cheated on me! And they say it's in the spirit of Christmas, because he's dirty Uncle Sal."

"Wait..." Addison looks questioningly at her. "Dirty Uncle Sal?"

"I don't get it, either. But they hate the holidays, Dr. Montgomery, except when they can use them to help Alex study. Since when do they care about him? Since he cheated on me! They can't use the holidays to do the Secret Santa thing with me, but they use them for Alex. They're unbelievable!"

Izzie breathes heavily after her heated speech, and Addison takes a moment to think of something to say. "So you're upset because they're helping him out after he cheated on you." Izzie nods at her, with an expression on her face that tells Addison she thinks that was blatantly obvious from the start. "Listen, Stevens." And she's beginning to understand why Savvy and Naomi sighed every time they had to talk some sense into her. Being the one with the advice isn't as easy as she thought it was. "Karev was a jerk, and you have every right to hate him, but the truth is... you're not gonna hate him forever."

Izzie's look tells her she's convinced she'll hate him as long as she lives, and she decides to go on. "You're going to make peace with it, eventually, and you'll stop hating him." She forces herself not to add that she may even realize she still loves him, because she's not quite sure what she feels for Mark is normal enough to use as an example. "And if you let that hatred get the best of you, you're gonna regret it when you stop hating him."

"So you're saying I should forgive him?" Izzie looks completely outraged at the idea, and Addison figures she'd have felt the same way if anyone had told her to forgive Mark the week after she found him in bed with Nurse Charlene.

"No. I'm just saying... don't do anything you may regret." "Like move to the other side of the country or tell him he doesn't have the right to care anymore, to name a few examples."

"I guess you're..." But Izzie stops mid-sentence when she sees Addison frown slightly and shift on her feet, pressing a hand to the curve on her stomach. "Are you all right Dr. Montgomery? Is everything okay?"

Addison smiles at Izzie's concern. "I'm fine, it's just..." She tries to find a way to say she's gassy without actually saying so. "My stomach is fluttery today. I need to go downstairs and eat something."

Izzie's smile broadens at that, a look of excitement on her face. "Is it moving? The baby? You know first-time mothers often mistake the first movements for gas!"

"Stevens, I wouldn't mistake..." But she realizes she probably would, actually, considering she's never felt a sixteen weeks old fetus move in her uterus before. Not even the foremost neonatal surgeon in the country can know that without experiencing it herself.

"Oh, this reminds me, I have something for..." But Izzie's pager goes off before she can finish her sentence, and she's still smiling broadly when she looks at Addison. "I have to go fix Mr. Epstein's frontal lobe. See you later, Dr. Montgomery."

Addison nods at her, not really paying attention, and stays quiet waiting for Blob to move again. After a few moments, though, she realizes Blob isn't in the mood for moving anymore, but that doesn't stop her from smiling broadly and heading for her locker room. She needs to tell Mark. They can keep fighting after she's done telling him that she's felt their fetus move for the first time.

"Hey..."

"Mark! You're not going to believe..."

"...you've reached Mark Sloan. Leave your message after the beep."

She stares at the phone in silence, as if she'd never heard a pre-recorded message in her life. She hasn't heard it on Mark's cell phone, anyway. He always picks up. Even when he's in the OR, he has a nurse answer it for him. And she wonders if he's mad enough to send her calls straight to voicemail. If she really messed up enough to make Mark not be there for her anymore. She didn't even know that was possible. They've fought before – they even broke up, for God's sake – but they never actually ignored each other's calls.

And she reluctantly admits that maybe he does have the right to reject her calls. She admits that she took him for granted, and hurt him more than she cares to believe, and treated him as if he was nothing more than her dirty mistress. And that maybe her putting Derek – or the memories of him that are still in Manhattan – above seeing Mark was the last straw. Maybe she's finally managed to push him away. And it hurts just as much as it should.

She gets her purse from her locker and puts on her coat, and decides to take the rest of the night off. All her patients can be handled by residents, and she knows she's not going to be able to focus on her job. Not tonight. Tonight she needs alcohol, or a friendly hug, or someone to rub her back while she cries. But she can't have any of those things in Seattle, and she figures going to Joe's and talking to the friendly bartender for a while is the next best thing.

x.x.x

Addison arrives at the bar an hour later, after leaving instructions for the residents and making sure none of her patients would need her for the next few hours. She needs a drink. Even if she has to pretend there's alcohol in her Blob-friendly drinks. "Merry Christmas, Joe."

"Merry Christmas." He turns around and places a steaming mug in front of her. "Hot chocolate, extra foam and three marshmallows. Christmas in a cup."

Addison smiles gratefully at him. "Thank you, Joe. What do you suggest I pretend I'm drinking?"

"Well..." They're good at this game. She asks for an appletini and he hands her an apple juice, or she points to a lemon soda and he calls it a vodka lemon. There's a reason why she loves Joe. And she makes a mental note to buy him a present next time she goes shopping. "Hot buttered rum?"

She nods at his words. "Perfect."

"Tough day?"

"That obvious, huh?" Joe smiles at her. "I'm just... staying here for Christmas." He nods as if he understood, and she decides to change the subject. "Do you have any plans?"

"Walter and I are going to spend the holidays with his parents." Addison smiles at him. "Honestly? I wish we'd stay here too."

Addison chuckles slightly. "Ah, the in-laws. Good luck with that."

Joe laughs along with her but stops to look at the door. "Izzie! Merry Christmas."

Izzie smiles brightly at both of them. "Merry Christmas!" And she sits on the stool next to Addison's. "I followed your advice, Dr. Montgomery. I still hate him, though."

Addison smiles at her. "As is your right."

"Yeah, well..." And she gets lost in her thoughts for a moment before she snaps out of it and hands Addison the bag she was holding. "Merry Christmas, Dr. Montgomery."

Addison gets the perfectly wrapped present out of the bag and stares at it in awe. "Izzie, you didn't have to..."

"But I wanted to." Izzie motions for her to open it, and Addison smiles when she feels the soft yellow fabric inside the box. "It's a blanket, for the baby. I know you probably have a hundred of them already, but I just... I wanted to get you something."

"It's actually..." She takes a second to will her hormones to leave her alone and let her get through this without crying. "Thank you, Izzie. I really... I don't even know what to say."

Izzie smiles brightly at her. "So you like it? I was worried it'd be inappropriate, or you'd hate it, or... well, I know I can go a little overboard with the Christmas thing."

"There's no such thing as too much Christmas, Stevens." They both chuckle at that. "And I love it. Thank you, really." He puts the blanket back in the bag and looks at her. "You want to have a drink? Joe'll put marshmallows in your chocolate if you ask nicely."

Joe and Izzie laugh at her words. "No, thank you Dr. Montgomery. I just stopped by to give you your present, I told Meredith and George we'd have dinner together."

"All right." Addison nods as Izzie gets ready to leave. "Merry Christmas, Izzie."

"Merry Christmas, Dr. Montgomery!"

Addison stays at the bar for a while after Izzie leaves, talking to Joe about meaningless things that keep her entertained and allow her to relax. When the bar starts getting crowded, though, she takes her second mug of fake buttered rum to a booth and gets her catalogue from her purse, trying to find some presents for Joe and Izzie. She has two new people to buy presents for this year. Two new friends. She can't even remember the last time she made a new friend, and she decides moving to Seattle has its perks, after all.

She's pondering whether Izzie Stevens would prefer a fluffy pillow or a handmade comforter when she sees Derek talking to Joe, and she smiles when he looks at her. "Hey, Dr. Shepherd."

Derek walks over to her and sits on the other side of the table. "Dr. Montgomery."

"So, how's Mr. Epstein's frontal lobe?" She heard all about his mysterious personality change, and she hopes the father of Izzie's favorite family is doing all right.

"He woke up smiling."

"Congratulations." And she takes a sip of her drink before trying to fish a marshmallow with her spoon.

"Thank you." Derek looks amused at her. "What are you drinking?"

"It's ah... hot buttered rum." She chuckles when he raises his eyebrow at her. "Hot chocolate, extra foam and three marshmallows. It's delicious."

"It's... dickensian."

"Uh, no... yeah. Well, it is Christmas." He doesn't reply, and focuses on the glass of scotch in his hands. She probably shouldn't worry about his sudden hatred of the holidays, but he's still her friend, and she's concerned. Thinking about Derek's problems is also a good way of forgetting about her own. "Christmas, Derek. You love Christmas. At least you used to."

"Yeah." He stays silent for a moment, seemingly deep in thought. "Christmas makes you want to be with the people you love." She nods at him. She knows. "I'm not saying this to hurt you, or because I want you to feel bad, because I don't... Meredith wasn't a fling." And she looks at him, trying to understand why he's telling her this. "She wasn't revenge. I fell in love with her. That doesn't just go away."

So he misses her, just like she misses Mark. They both fell in love with someone else. They both messed it up. And they're both alone at Christmas. After all that's happened, they're in the same place. They're acting the same way. He chose Addison over Meredith, and she chose Derek over Mark. Or at least she made it seem like she did. And she took him for granted, and left him, and let him be the only one who fought, like Derek did with her.

And now she's not going home for Christmas, just like Derek did countless times before, and she realizes Mark has every right not to answer his phone. She deserves it, just like Derek deserved all the times she didn't answer his voicemails telling her he wasn't going to make it home before midnight. But she still can fix it. Or at least she hopes she can.

"You're leaving?"

Addison smiles at him as she finishes buttoning up her coat. "You're right. Christmas makes you want to be with the people you love." And she gives his arm a small squeeze before she leaves. "Merry Christmas, Derek."

x.x.x

One hour later, Addison walks out of the room with a bag full of presents in her hand and a nervous smile on her face. She's doing this. She's actually doing this. She's bought a last-minute plane ticket online, she's left Richard a message telling him she's taking a few days off – and ended it with instructions on how to breathe in case he has a panic attack from the news – and she's left the key to her room in Ethan's desk. She's going back home, and back to Mark. She's doing it.

After wishing the friendly concierge a merry Christmas, Addison starts walking towards the door, but she's only taken two steps when a familiar voice stops her in her tracks. "Addison!"

She quickly turns around, and smiles at the sight in front of her. "Mark? What are you doing here?" Things are finally looking up. Finally. Maybe he doesn't hate her, after all. Maybe Christmas miracles do exist. Even if the serious – and slightly annoyed, maybe – look on his face is telling her this looks more like a lightning trip to tell her he doesn't want to ever talk to her again.

"I'm here to-" And he notices the suitcases next to Addison then, a frown forming on his face. "Are you going somewhere?"

Addison's smile broadens at that. It's her chance. Now she can tell him she was going to Manhattan to be with him. "Actually, I was going-"

But he cuts her off and shakes his head, still serious, as if he was regretting having asked her. "You'll tell me later." And he ignores her when she tries to speak again, looking like he's forcing himself to speak. "I want to have the right."

Addison looks confused at that. "What?"

"I want to have the right to care if you come home for Christmas. I want to-"

And now it's her turn to cut him off, because she can see he's struggling to put his thoughts in words – as usual – and it'd be much easier for both of them if she was the one talking. Even though she's very close to crying, thanks to the hormones and – let's face it – the fact that things are going to be all right. "Listen, Mark, I-"

But he lets out a quiet frustrated groan and cuts her off, once again, hoping this will be the last time he'll have to do that tonight. "Dammit, Addison, I'm trying to talk here, you listen to me!" Addison closes her mouth, startled, and he decides it's his chance to finally talk without being interrupted. "Thank you." He looks down for a moment and then back into her eyes, straightening his shoulders and looking like he's really making an effort to speak. "I want to have the right to care, because I do. I care about you, and I care about Blob, and I deserve to have the right. But I'm still not ready."

Addison's smile – that had already come back after the initial shock – falters then, and she looks down at her feet. Of course he's not ready. Serves her right for getting her hopes up. But Mark keeps talking, and she decides to listen to him instead of her own self-pitying thoughts. "I love you, Addison, I still… I love you, and I'm a mess. And it doesn't matter if I now can cook five different meals or if I don't bring random women into the apartment or if I'm making room for baby stuff, because I still love you. And I'll never be ready to have a baby with you while we're a country apart and I have to pretend I don't care. Because I care."

He takes a deep breath then, hoping she won't take the chance to interrupt him again, but she's far too busy trying to absorb everything he's told her to even think about saying anything herself. "We messed up. Both of us, we messed up back home and we were doomed from the start. But until we did… until we fucked it all up, while we were still good, Addie? We were great. I was great. I was the kind of man I want to be for Blob. Being with you made me be that man. And this time we're not gonna mess up, because it's just us and Blob, and there's nothing else to worry about. So I'm not ready to be a father alone, with weekly visits and daily phonecalls, but I'm ready to do this with you."

Addison stays silent, debating between asking him to repeat what he's said to make sure she's heard him right and just going all out and start crying because he's really saying what she thinks he's saying. But she can't decide fast enough and Mark speaks again, sounding much less sure than before. "If you want to give us another chance, that is."

"I…" She takes a moment to clear her thoughts. "I was going to Manhattan." She can't help but smile slightly at his confused look, and she waves in the general direction of her suitcases as she explains. "I was going to Manhattan to tell you that I'm sorry. For taking you for granted and for hurting you and for treating you like my dirty mistress. You weren't that, you were… I…" She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes for a moment before trying again. "Christmas is for being with the people you love. And I wanted to be with you. That's where I was going. To be with you. And to tell you that I'm glad you're Blob's father, but I'd like to change the part where you and I are just friends who happen to be having a baby. If you didn't hate me after the last fight. Which I thought you did, because you sent my call straight to voicemail."

"I was in a plane."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"So I, uh…" And it's then she realizes that they are – for once – in the same place, at the same time, but she can't find the words to tell him so. "I called you because-" But Mark brings his hand up, carefully tucking a strand of hair behind her left ear, and she has to make a great effort to keep the words forming in her brain. "Because I... I felt…" She loses her train of thought then, distracted by watching – and feeling – the back of Mark's hand sliding down her cheek and making her forget that she's supposed to breathe.

And that's when Mark finally leans in and kisses her, and her arms go around his neck as soon as her brain registers what's happening. She's missed him. And even though she already knew that, she suddenly realizes that she's also missed this. Being with Mark. Being with someone that makes her forget – or at least not care – that they're still in a hotel lobby and making one hell of a public display of affection as long as he keeps kissing her. Which he does, because he's Mark and – as well as a number of other qualities – he has the ability to always make her feel that he needs her just as much as she needs him.

But the kiss ends, eventually, and he pulls away just enough to be able to look into her eyes when he speaks. "I do care."

And Addison swallows hard – and she's thankful for his arm around her waist because she doesn't trust her knees right now – and gives a small nod with her words. "As is your right."