"Hi. Come in." Lindsay greets Danny as he enters her apartment after his shift. She watches him expectantly, holding her breath, measuring his mood, calculating her own.
Danny follows Lindsay into her apartment, closing the door behind him. He pauses once inside, watching her. Everything appears normal but Danny knows something is off. He's been catching a distant look in Lindsay's eyes recently, a look she quickly blinks away when their eyes meet. She smiles too much. Or not enough. Her laugh isn't quite natural, never reaching her eyes. And he knows it's his fault.
Is he okay? She's there for him. Whatever he needs. Don't push her away. He'd accepted her words, assuring her that he was fine. Which he is. Mostly. His stomach still clenches with regret and guilt over Ruben, but he'd survived the worst of it, in his own way. He can't shake the feeling, though, that he's done too much damage. He'd been stubborn and intense and a little reckless. But he is all those things and Lindsay knows that about him. She sees him clearly. Maybe too clearly because he thinks he is scaring her away.
"What's wrong with the lights?" Her apartment is dark except for candles on the windowsills and tables.
"Nothing. Just more peaceful this way." Lindsay needs peace, some tranquility among the chaos of the past couple weeks. Fresh out of a long, hot shower, she's wearing an old t-shirt and favorite jeans. Her hair still wet, draping her face.
Lindsay is scared. Scared of the way she feels. Scared of how strong Danny's pull on her is. Scared that he'll repel from her again like he did after Ruben's death. Love is supposed to be safe and comfortable, not frightening and intense. Despite the fear and intensity of the past few weeks Lindsay wants him even more. So she knows she's in love. But is he? Will he one day push her away again and never come back? The questions eat away at her. So she averts her eyes when she catches him staring at her as to not reveal her thoughts. Giggles halfheartedly to demonstrate she is the opposite of scared. Lindsay tries to appear normal, like she isn't afraid of falling madly, deeply in love. Like she isn't afraid of looking into Danny's eyes one day to find him looking through her, like she doesn't matter.
She takes the bags of Chinese from Danny and crosses the room into the kitchen, quietly emptying the containers onto plates and sitting at the table with him. She eats just a couple of bites before pushing the plate away. Danny's hand curls around the beer she'd given him but he isn't drinking. Lindsay looks at him and smiles, that forced fake smile. He finally takes a sip of beer. His gaze meets hers over the rim of the bottle and something in his eyes makes her pulse jump. They are so aware of each other, Lindsay thinks. They probably always were and always would be.
"I thought you were starving," Danny says.
"Guess I wasn't."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing." It comes out more defensively than she intends.
Who is this person across from him, Danny wonders. Where is the Lindsay who loves a good meal? Who eagerly ate fried spiders? Who lights up a room? Who is never as quiet as she is in this moment, despite their conversation? He can't take the questions any longer.
"You haven't been acting like yourself lately. What's up?"
"Nothing."
"Lindsay…" Danny hesitates, unsure of what to say, knowing he has no right to ask her to be open with him given his penchant for shutting people out. "Talk to me."
"About what?" She'd obviously been more transparent than she'd hoped, her efforts at disguising her worry and fear futile. Lindsay knows Danny won't let this drop until he gets an answer but what could she say. Do you love me? Am I enough for you? Those questions are too difficult to ask so she remains silent.
"Lindsay, please." Danny is desperate for answers. A knot forms in his stomach, slowly twisting with every evasive answer and uneasy look, wringing out a sense of dread. His speeding heart beat, the usual gauge for his instincts, confirms that something is wrong.
With a deep, shaky breath Lindsay carefully considers her words, nervous about what verbalizing her thoughts will bring. "I got scared. After Ruben. That I was the last person who could help you… that you wanted help from."
"You could have told me what was bothering you."
"I'm alright. We're alright. Okay? Satisfied?" Lindsay hates conversations like this and closes her eyes, willing herself to disappear - a trick she'd learned years ago after her friends' murders. She would shut her eyes and make believe that everything was right in the world. The trick had never worked then and it is no different now. When she opens her eyes she's still sitting in front of Danny, her emotions in disarray, her relationship with him under unexpected scrutiny. Danny steeples his fingers and places them across his lips, studying Lindsay until she squirms beneath his stare.
"What?" Lindsay demands.
"I'm here, Lindsay. With you," he says quietly. Then he reaches out, grabbing hold of a belt loop on her jeans and gently pulling her to him until she's straddling his lap. He slides his hands under her shirt, resting them on her waste. His eyes hold hers.
"You matter Lindsay. To me. A lot."
He curves his hand around her neck and kisses her, sending her stomach plummeting and spirits soaring. She matters. Matters is good. It's not quite love. But maybe one day. His fingertips travel her body, touch her in all the right places, mold her.
Nothing in her experience matches the way her body responds to Danny's and she knows she will never feel this way with anyone else. He buries his face in her neck, Lindsay's soft sighs making erotic interruptions in the silence as she writhes against him. His mouth captures hers in another kiss before grabbing her waist to hold her hips in place. He looks at her, studies her, tries to wordlessly make sure they're back to normal. He stays like that for a long time, brushing her hair from her face, tracing her features with his fingers, stroking her lips with his thumb.
For some reason, Lindsay feels herself tearing at his tenderness. She whispers a single word. "Danny."
"You know, Montana, it's kind of embarrassing how horny you make me." Teasing is all he can do to diffuse the tension in the air.
Laughing softly, she leans forward to kiss his neck. "So it's accurate to say you're in lust with me."
She had said it jokingly, following his teasing lead, but pulls back to look at him when he doesn't respond. He squints and purses his lips, indicating she hadn't quite nailed it.
"Love?" she ventures. Danny merely looks at her, his eyes answering with their blue intensity.
"Really?" Lindsay whispers. For a moment they simply stare at each other. Then Lindsay leans forward and kisses his beautiful mouth.
"Don't get too excited. I'm not the hearts and flowers type."
"I don't need hearts and flowers."
"What about sex?"
Lindsay laughs, heartily this time. "Sex I need."
She kisses him gently, but Danny quickly takes control of it and Lindsay thinks she might melt from the sheer heat. A tingle starts at the base of her spine and spreads to her fingertips. Their tongues meet and caress and their hands knead each other. Lindsay feels the size and hardness of him pressing against her and she aches for him. Desperate for air, she frees her mouth and takes a shuddering breath. She presses a string of kisses along his unshaven jaw.
For a moment they just look at each other. Then he kisses her again, hot, wet and devastating. Lindsay shivers, pressing her body against his, reveling in the feel of him. Arousal races through. She tugs at his jeans wanting him naked but too mindless to unbutton them.
"Let's take this into the bedroom." Danny jolts upright, sweeping her up in his arms, and walks her through her apartment. Lindsay clings to him, pressing short sweet kisses along his neck.
Danny puts her down on the bed and throws off his clothes. For an instant he stands over her, mouthwateringly handsome before finally pressing her down into the mattress with his body, kissing her with a hunger that turns her brain into mush. There is no room in her thoughts for anything but him, and how he makes her feel. He kisses her mouth, neck, shoulders. His hands are everywhere on her, paving a trail for his lips, removing the barriers of her clothes. Her legs part for him instinctively, and he settles between them, rocking against her in a way that teases and promises. His body is so familiar to her – the lean muscles, strong hands, wide shoulders, narrow waist. But there is something different about the way he touches her now, moves over her.
He is kissing her, long slow kisses, when his hand dips under the lace of her panties. His fingers move in a steady rhythm making Lindsay writhe desperately beneath him. Without warning his mouth leaves hers and his hand withdraws from her. Lindsay's eyes blink open to find Danny looking down at her. He looks feverish, a mirror image of her, she is sure. His gaze moves from her eyes which are heavy-lidded to her mouth which is soft and wet from his kisses, down along her body, which is quivering from his touch, before once again meeting her eyes.
"You're beautiful," he whispers. Arching off the bed, Lindsay pleads with him without words. But still he holds back.
Finally, only after he finds what he is looking for in her eyes - what he would never be able to define - does he slowly begin to push inside her, taking both of them away from reason. Danny watches her, watches her until his vision blurs. Watches her until his body and heart shatter. With every motion Danny muddles Lindsay's thoughts. Driving feelings to the surface where she can't escape them. Shattering any hope of defense of ever being able to live without him, ecstatically making her realize she will never have to worry again about living that life.
A/N: Huge thanks to mel60 for the tremendous beta-help and inspiration from her brilliant story. Thanks for reading!