Nothing Like the Real Thing

Disclaimer: I don't own Phoenix Wright or any of the characters. They belong to Capcom.

Note: This fic was originally written in response to a prompt on the Phoenix Wright Kink Meme. It's based on this picture: shivaheartilly dot net /images /vday. jpg (without the spaces!), which is original artwork Capcom published for Valentine's Day. Note the half-naked photo of Phoenix on the table.

This is insane.

Miles was seriously starting to wonder why he had agreed to this. Why on Earth had he listened to Larry? He should have known better by now.

"No, Edgey, you're doing it wrong!"

Miles looked up from the bowl he was stirring chocolate in. Larry had his arms crossed, a serious look on his face.

"What do you mean I'm doing it wrong?"

Larry shook his head. "Well, isn't it obvious?" He stared at Miles expectantly.

The only obvious thing to me right now is that you're an idiot.

"Not really."

Larry frowned. "Dude, you're kidding, right? You're stirring it counterclockwise!"

Miles raised an eyebrow. "Your point being?"

Larry laughed. "Come on, Edgey, everyone knows that if you don't stir clockwise, you're unstirring the whole thing!"

...Please tell me he's not serious.

Miles snorted. "Larry, you-" He sighed. "Never mind..."

He rolled his eyes and started stirring the other way, or else he'd never hear the end of it. It was bad enough that he'd been stuck doing this all day – trying to reason with Larry would only mean adding to the already headache-inducing situation, and honestly, it really didn't seem like a good idea at this moment in time.

I have to get this over with so I can go home and forget any of this ever happened.

"So, Edgey," Larry started again, "did you bring that photo I asked for?"

Oh Christ.

"Well... Yes, I did, but-"

"Great!" Larry shouted, clapping his hands excitedly. "Where is it?"

Miles sighed again. "Like I said, I did bring it, but-"

"But what, Edgey?"

"For Christ's sake, Larry, will you let me finish?"

Larry flinched, taking a step back and holding his hands out defensively.

Miles rolled his eyes. "See, I did bring it, but I'm not sure it'll do."

"Why not?" Larry asked, dropping his hands at his sides. "As long as you can see the back of his hair, it should be fine, right?"

"Yes, but it's wet, so I'm not sure if-"

"It's wet?" Larry gave him a blank look.

Yes. Are you deaf?

"Yes, that's why I'm saying I'm not sure if it'll be a good reference or not."

Larry blinked a few times, never dropping his gaze. "How come it's wet?"

I should have seen this coming...

Miles shook his head and looked down at the bowl. "That's irrelevant. All I'm saying is-"

"Did you drop it?"

...What?

Miles looked back up and saw the frown on the other man's face.

Now he's lost me.

"What are you babbling about, Larry?"

Larry crossed his arms and looked up at the ceiling, tilting his head to the side. "Well, dude, if the photo's wet, you must have done something."

Miles brought his hand to his face.

...Way to give him way too much credit.

"Here," he said, taking the picture out of his pants' pocket and handing it to Larry. "That's the only one I found."

Larry stared at the picture for a moment, twirling his goatee. "Yep! That'll do." He laughed. "You didn't have to lie, though, Edgey."

Miles raised an eyebrow. "What are you talking about, Larry?"

"Well, you could have just told me that Nick's hair was messed up instead of making up some stupid excuse." He laughed again. "Why would a photo be wet, anyways? Silly Edgey."

...I give up.

Miles let out an exasperated sigh and directed his attention back to the bowl in front of him, making sure to stir clockwise in order to save his ears from more whining. Why had he accepted to help Larry and the Fey girls make that ridiculous statue, anyway? Who on Earth made chocolate statues of their friends for Valentine's Day? The worst part was that Maya had insisted they make it in Wright's office so that they would simply have to hide it until the 14th instead of having to carry it and risk breaking it.

I can't believe I'm actually doing this...

It was getting late – almost dinner time – and Miles' patience was starting to run out. He'd been working on paperwork all day yesterday, much to Wright's disappointment, and had promised to spend some time with him today, since they hadn't seen each other all last week. But the girls had made it very clear that they had to finish this today, since Wright would most likely be at his office all week.

I hope I don't get out of here too late or he's going to sulk again.

"Say, Edgey..."

Miles looked up at Larry, who was still examining the picture in his hand. "What is it?"

Larry glanced at Miles, then back at the picture again, before snapping his head back up, a confused look on his face. "Why do you have a photo of Nick shirtless?"

Christ. He did pick up on that.

Miles quickly looked away. "...I found it."

Very convincing.

"You found it? Eh...?" He was silent for a moment. "Oh well, good find, dude. This'll totally come in handy when the girls get back."

...I don't believe it.

Miles cleared his throat. "What's taking them so long, anyway? I thought the grocery store was just around the corner."

"I don't know, dude. But there's a burger joint right next to it, so maybe they stopped there to buy something to eat."

Not maybe. They did

With the money I gave them for chocolate.

"I guess so."

Now I understand why Wright always complains about Maya wasting his money.

"Hey, Edgey."

Miles sighed, then looked up at Larry again. "What!"

Larry winced. "Geez, dude, calm down. I was just thinking... It's a good thing Nick's hair stays spiky even when it's wet, or else, this photo-"

"Larry. That's what I was... Oh, forget it."

Larry shrugged. "I wonder if his hair ever gets flat."

No, trust me, it doesn't. No matter how many times we...

Miles shook his head. "What kind of question is that?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I just ask myself all these weird questions, and then I'm like... Wow, that's deep. And then my head hurts."

...Sometimes I wonder how your brain works, Larry.

The door was suddenly thrown open, making both Miles and Larry jump.

"Hey! We're back!" Maya shouted as she stepped through the doorway, soon followed by Pearl. "We got all the chocolate we need to finish this thing!" She walked over to the table and dropped a plastic bag onto it. "I see you've been working hard, Mr. Edgeworth."

"Yeah," Larry replied, patting Miles on the back. "Edgey always works hard."

"I wish I could say the same about you, Larry," Miles retorted.

"What? But... but..." Larry's eyes welled up with tears. "That's not fair!"

"Of course it's not. You've done nothing but stand there and make idiotic remarks all day while we worked on this thing you wanted to make."

"But, Edgey," Larry whined, "I'm the one who made all the sketches! And I'm supervising!"

Miles rolled his eyes. "...Fair enough."

No point arguing with him, I suppose. I don't exactly need another headache on top of this one.

Although it's not as if it'd kill him to be a little more helpful...

"What's this, Larry?" Maya asked, pointing at the picture in his hand.

"Oh, that?" He turned the picture around. "It's a photo of Nick so we can get the back of his head right."

"Oooh." Maya took it from his hand and stared at it for a few seconds, before looking back up at Larry. "Why is Nick shirtless?"

Here we go again...

Larry shrugged. "No idea. It's Edgey's."

Miles froze. "Larry. I said I fou-"

"I know, dude. I'm just messin' with ya!" Larry replied, grinning from ear to ear. "It's just so much funnier to think of it that way. It's like you're some kind of creepy gay stalker or something." He burst out laughing.

Miles shook his head.

Why do I even put up with this?

"Mystic Maya... What's a crepe... piggy stall curve?" Pearl asked, a finger poised on her chin.

Maya chuckled. "Trust me, Pearly, you don't want to know." She sent Larry a glare, before walking over to the table again to pick up sculpting tools and some chocolate. "Alright. Let's get to work on that hair!"

A few minutes later, Miles glanced at the clock.

It's already past five... I'm sure Wright has tried calling me at least a dozen times.

He sighed.

What am I even going to tell him, anyway?

I can't say I was at the office, cause I'm sure he tried calling there as well.

This is the last time I get caught up in Larry's foolish plans.

"Yay! Hair's all done!"

Miles turned around and looked at Maya, who was staring at her work in awe. He smirked slightly at the fact that she had some chocolate on her face and didn't seem to notice.

"Great work, Maya!" Larry shouted, giving a thumbs up. He took a few steps back and stretched his arms out in front of him, sticking his tongue out and looking at the chocolate statue through his fingers as if they were some kind of frame.

"Oh, Mr. Edgeworth," Pearl exclaimed. "Your apron is coming loose! Let me tighten it for you."

"Very well," Miles replied, turning back around to stir the chocolate again.

That's when the door was thrown open for the second time, making Miles wish people would just leave his poor nerves alone for one second.

"What the hell's going on here!"

Miles turned around to witness a very shocked-looking Wright.

Oh Christ.

Phoenix blinked a few times, before taking a few steps towards the statue. "What's this?"

"Mr. Nick!" Pearl started, an angry tone to her voice. "You were not supposed to see this before Vallum Time's Day! It's a present from Mystic Maya!"

"What? No it's not, Pearly! It was all Larry's idea!" Maya said, pointing at the man in question.

"What! D-don't listen to her, Nick!" Larry practically yelled, waving his hands defensively. "I'm not gay or anything, I swear! Edgey was the one with the naked picture of you!"

"W-what!" Phoenix and Miles both spluttered, looking at each other.

Phoenix closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "Okay. Can someone please tell me what's really going on here?"

Miles glanced at the others and tilted his head towards the doorway, letting them know that he would take care of the situation. The three of them nodded and quickly disappeared behind the door.

Phoenix sighed. "So that's where you were all day." He paused. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Miles crossed his arms. "Well, isn't it obvious? They dragged me into this, and of course, my lips were sealed."

"You could've at least left your cellphone on," Phoenix pouted.

"Yes, so I could drop it in chocolate."

Phoenix shook his head and turned towards the statue. "So what's with this, anyways?" He asked, finally smiling. "Am I so annoying that you wanted to replace me?"

Miles smirked. "Well, at least this one's not as loud."

Phoenix frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I think you know exactly what I mean, Wright."

"Oh yeah? Well I say there's nothing like the real thing. Especially my magnificent self." He ran a hand through his hair in exaggerated slow motion. "Besides, this thing has nothing below the belt."

"And you do?"

Phoenix pulled a face. "That was low, Edgeworth."

Miles chuckled. "Well, you asked for it."

"Heh. I guess I did, yeah."

Phoenix looked down at his feet for a few seconds, before looking back up at Miles. He stared at him for a moment, a grin appearing on his face.

Miles raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Nice apron. Very manly."

Miles glanced down at himself. He'd completely forgotten about that.

"Shut up, Wright."

He went to untie it, only to be stopped by Phoenix's hands on his own.

"No, no, leave it on." Phoenix smirked. "This could get messy."

Fin