The ShizNat Drinking Game

How to get extremely drunk while reading ShizNat fanfic!

Please note, this is NOT in any way a criticism of ShizNat fanfic or its many writers! I just wanted to have some fun and hopefully give people a laugh or two. Much love goes out to anybody who likes the pairing enough to read or write fanfic about them. Seriously, Mai HiME fanfic brightens my day and I hope it continues to be such a thriving community for a long time to come. :) This is a joke fic but I have several "real" fics in the making, some of which will be ShizNat. Oh, and don't read this fic if breaking the fourth wall irritates you. Thanks for looking over this for me, Lilies4Lilith:) Anyways, enough author babble!

Disclaimer: Sunrise owns Mai HiME.

Natsuki stared at the computer screen in front of her, utterly perplexed. "What kind of site is this place?" she wondered aloud.

"It's a wonderful website, actually," Shizuru countered. Both young women were sitting in front of a large wooden desk that was presently cleared of every item but the laptop.

"It has hundreds of stories about the two of us," she continued, "There's even an entire section dedicated to our relationship. Look!" She pointed eagerly towards one of the categories displayed in the browser window, her crimson eyes shining like those of an excited child.

"Um, Shizuru…that section is labeled 'Mai HiME'. That would include all the characters, not just us."

The older girl waved her hand dismissively. "Yes, but nine out of ten are about you and me. People write about us in all kinds of different situations, from purely canon to completely far-fetched."

Natsuki huffed derisively. "Looks to me like nothing but the deranged workings of a bunch of American kids. And what the hell is with our stupid nickname? ShizNat?!"

The older woman gently stroked the younger's soft blue tresses in a soothing manner. She had learned not to take her beloved's frustration and insults too seriously, whether they were directed at others or even Shizuru herself. The chestnut-haired beauty returned her attention to the website, pausing for a moment before gesturing at the screen to indicate one of the fanfictions.

"What's this one supposed to be about?" she asked, reading off the title. "The ShizNat Drinking Game? What's a drinking game?"

"It's a game you play with alcoholic beverages," the green-eyed girl next to her explained. "You read the rule sheet and then go watch a movie or read a book with your friends. Every time something happens in the story that was mentioned on the rule sheet, you have to drink a certain amount of alcohol, depending on which category the occurrence lies under. The first person to pass out loses."

Shizuru arched an inquiring eyebrow at her girlfriend.

Natsuki answered the unspoken question sheepishly. "Midori taught me. The HiME Sentai had to think of something else to do for fun after we got banned from the karaoke shop for one of our more…rowdy…parties."

The corner of the brunette's mouth started to quirk upwards, and an all-too-familiar glint sparked in her eyes. Sensing the incoming teasing, Natsuki quickly changed the subject.

"So! Uhh…want to try this game, then?" she asked hopefully. "Seems like it's based on the fan stories about our relationship." Natsuki was very proud of the fact that she had avoided blushing at that last statement.

Shizuru considered for a moment, tapping her cheek with a finger. She resolved to tease her girlfriend later. "Alright then." She smiled in acquiescence.

Both women turned to stare intently at the computer screen, reading the pages of type displayed there:

When reading ShizNat fanfiction,

Take a sip of your drink if…

…Shizuru starts a sentence with Ara

…Natsuki wears a tank top and jeans

…Shizuru calls Natsuki an ikezu

…Natsuki stutters

…Shizuru hugs Natsuki from behind

…Shizuru thinks about how tight Natsuki's biker suit is

…Natsuki blushes or "does a tomato impression"

…Shizuru goes "fufu"

…they have a pet dog/stuffed animal named Duran

…Shizuru fakes a pout (take an extra sip if her eyes "glisten with unshed tears" or some such)

…Natsuki is referred to as a wolf/dog/puppy (inu and koinu also count)

…they go for a ride on Natsuki's bike and Shizuru takes the opportunity to feel the younger girl up

…Natsuki adds a ridiculous amount of mayo to something, especially if it's something bizarre like soup or a bottle of water

…Shizuru says the name as "Na-tsu-ki"

…Natsuki either mutters or yells the word baka

…Natsuki gives a "Kuga Death Glare" (take an extra sip if Shizuru's obsessive fangirls are on the receiving end)

…Shizuru says ookini or kannin na

…Shizuru drinks tea

…Natsuki grumbles about how she hates getting up early

…Nao calls Natsuki a mutt and says she's completely whipped (take two extra sips if Natsuki really is whipped)

…Natsuki's toned stomach is mentioned

…Shizuru discovers that Natsuki's gruff exterior hides a hopeless cuddler

…it's an AU and Shizuru is a vampire

…Shizuru refers to Natsuki in the third person instead of using the pronoun "you"

Take a big gulp of your drink if…

…Natsuki and Shizuru inexplicably have a child (take another gulp if her name is Kiyohime)

…Shizuru abuses her Onee-sama status to force her attentions on a certain blue-haired Coral (no, not Nina)

…Negi. Enough said.

…Natsuki falls and somehow ends up with her face in Shizuru's chest

…Shizuru becomes a business executive after graduating college (take another gulp if it's the Fujino family corporation, which to my knowledge is never even mentioned in the anime)

…Natsuki thinks to herself that Shizuru can look graceful doing anything, even when spitting toothpaste into the sink or something

…the two of them have a conversation somewhere along the lines of:

"Does Natsuki like me?"

"W-what's that supposed to mean?!"

"Ara, Natsuki doesn't like me then… she must think I'm ugly."

(she fakes a pout and maybe some tears for added effect)

"NO! I do like you! And you're very pretty."

"Ara, I didn't realize Natsuki was so…eager."

(she glomps Natsuki)

"B-BAKA!"

…Natsuki grumpily breaks an alarm clock (take another gulp if she has broken at least five others)

…one of them nosebleeds at the sight of the other

…the disclaimer on the fic is something like "If I owned Mai Hime/Otome, there'd be more ShizNat"

…someone accuses Natsuki of having "compensation issues" because she wields such a massive cannon

…Natsuki gets tied up or handcuffed by Shizuru

…they go to sleep in the same bed quite innocently, and yet when they wake up one of them has her hand and/or face on the other's breasts

…the two of them become lovers soon after the Carnival and spend the next few months until Shizuru's graduation having wild bunny sex at every opportunity

…Natsuki starts wearing some of the naughtier pieces of her lingerie collection, at Shizuru's request

Chug everything in sight until someone passes out if…

…Shizuru admits that the sex was better with Tomoe

…Natsuki gets fat from all the mayo

…Natsuki was really just using the kaichou's laptop to download porn

…Shizuru switches to coffee

...Shizuru trips and falls on her face, accidentally stabs her own foot with her naginata, or does anything else to demonstrate that she is not actually as graceful as everyone thinks

…someone watches the two of them have sex through those huge clear glass windows in the Gakuenchou's bedroom

…Sunrise pulls their heads out of their asses and realizes how much money they could make by milking the ShizNat fandom instead of making weird spin-offs (I'm not asking for them to debase the characters and turn it into outright porn, but a few more conversations or even glances shared between Natsuki and Shizuru wouldn't have hurt Zwei's plotline at all...)

Follow this rule sheet and within minutes, you'll be drunker than Midori!

"What da hell? …What baka came up with dis shtupid game," Natsuki slurred a few hours later. The computer desk was now strewn with empty bottles and overturned shot glasses.

Shizuru – who was just as intoxicated as her blue-haired beloved but slightly more elegant about it – replied in an airy, singsong voice that matched the silly grin on her face.

"Ara, I thought it was fun." She had her arms wrapped around Natsuki's shoulders as they stared hazily at the screen.

Natsuki grumbled under her breath, too drunk to think of a comeback. Shizuru nuzzled her face into Natsuki's neck with a girlish giggle.

"I saw some very…interesting…stories on that site," the older girl murmured. "What say we re-enact them?"

At first, Natsuki blushed heavily …or perhaps that was just the effect of the alcohol. However, she was soon fumbling eagerly at Shizuru's clothing as the brunette continued to giggle happily.