Mm'kay, guess I oughta do a disclaimer like thing for this.
Firstly, DO NOT FOR THE LOVE OF AIZEN TRY TO DO THE THINGS MENTIONED IN THIS STORY!
With that out of the way, Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo, who I worship.
Dracula from Houston belongs to The Butthole Surfers, Feel Good belongs to James Brown, Everywhere to Michelle Branch, H.W.C. to Liz Phair, Wish You Were Here to Pink Floyd, Smells Like Teen Spirit to Nirvana (correct if I'm wrong, can't remember the title, I am so exhausted right now), Minority to Green Day, and finally, Sleep to MCR.
Last time I make...never mind.
Chapter Five: Of drought, exposure, and intervention
Weeks passed, and Aizen still had not exposed the tea dumping culprit. Everyone had been in a coffee induced haze for those weeks, and Aizen realized that they were addicted.
"No coffee for a week. At the end of the week, you may have coffee. But we need to get some sleep." Aizen told his espada.
They all groaned, not realizing the impact of the lack of coffee they would be experiencing…
&
"Has anyone seen Inoue Orihime? I was supposed to take her back to the living world weeks ago…" Ulquiorra asked multiple espada at multiple times.
"I saw her leaving Gin's room a week ago." Stark told him.
"Oh, yeah, she was leaving Stark's room a couple night's ago." Halibel told him.
"I saw her come out of Halibel's room the other night!" Neliel said brightly.
"Oh, that whore? She was in Neliel's room a while ago, and I saw her come out of your room a couple weeks ago." Nnoitora told him. Ulquiorra closed his eyes, shaking his head at Nnoitora's blatant lie. Although, Orihime had been coming out of his room…
"Ha, she was in Nnoitora's room a coupla nights ago!" Grimmjow laughed.
"I saw her come out of Grimmjow's room…" Zommari said slowly.
"I saw her in Zommari's room…" Szayel informed.
"Oh! I saw her come out of Szayel Aporro-sama's room!" Tesla said enthusiastically. After all, his new rank had given him an incredible mood boost, along with his ten fraccion, all female, and all breasts, hips, and lips…
"Uh…I saw her in Tesla's room…" Yammy told him. Ulquiorra closed his eyes. This was hopeless. By bringing Orihime into Hueco Mundo, he had turned her into a nymphomaniac.
"I am sure she will get bored of this place and find you eventually." Aizen said reassuringly.
"I saw her come out of your quarters not even an hour ago, Aizen-sama." Ulquiorra stated.
"Oh…about that…"
"Aizen-sama, I understand. Inoue Orihime is a nymphomaniac. It is hard to deny her."
"Yes…yes, indeed…"
&
Orihime lay on some bed, she was not sure to whom it belonged, or how she came to rest upon it, but there she was. She groaned and rolled over, aching slightly, but it was a good sort of ache.
"Ah…" she sighed, closing her eyes.
"Inoue Orihime?" a familiar voice called.
"Ulqui—Ulquiorra?"
"Yes. I just thought you might like to return home soon…you know, to the living world."
"Living…world? What—what is that?"
"That is where you live. Well, before you became a nymphomaniac, that is."
"What? Am not."
"Admit it, Orihime. You have a problem. You are addicted to sex."
"I am not! I just like it, is all…"
"Then we will have to do this the hard way…"
&
"God damn, I want some coffee." Grimmjow growled, and Neliel pouted.
"I do too. I'm having such horrible withdrawals…"
"Oh? I can take care of that."
"Really? You have coffee?"
"No, but I have a distraction for you…"
"Oh, I like this distraction." she giggled, and he growled. A sudden crash was heard, and then hysterical laughter.
"Didn't that hurt?"
"I'm bleeding! But no."
"Ah, shit, you're getting it everywhere!"
"Am I? Oh…don't throw me around like that then! I'm gonna go bleed on your bed!"
"No! Don't!"
"Too late…look, it's everywhere! I should get this checked out! It hurts!"
"You can't--we're already naked!"
"And so what? We can get dressed…"
"Dammit, Nel…I'm gonna make that hurt a lot worse."
"No! Don't!" A lot of running and crashing around was heard.
"Ow! You bitch!"
"You liked it! Don't lie!" Neliel teased.
"I'll fucking get you for--hey, hey, what are you doing?"
"Nothing…"
"Oh, come on, Nel, don't you remember what happened last--oh, shit, that's the spot…"
"I remember…and I remember liking it a lot."
"You sick bitch…"
"Oh, but I remember you liked it too…"
"Shit…look at that…"
"Huh?"
"HAH! I win!"
"Oh, ow…that's not nice!"
"Yeah, so?" Grimmjow laughed.
"I meant to you--look, I'm bleeding all over you."
"Why won't you stop bleeding dammit?"
"I told you! We need to get it checked out!"
"No!"
"Well, if I die of blood loss, I'm blaming you."
"So?"
"You can't use me if I die, idiot!"
"Shit…fine, let's go."
"Wait! We're naked! We have to do something about it!"
"We'll never get out of here, Nel…"
&
Szayel staggered through the halls like a drunk. He leaned up against a wall and belched loudly.
"Where the hell have you been?" an angry Cirucci demanded.
"Huh? I don't know…"
"Like hell you don't!"
"I don't! I swear! Please don't hurt me again!"
"Oh, I'll show you a new kind of hurt!!"
"Oh, please, no!" Yes, yes, hurt me good…
&
Grimmjow yanked Nel into the halls, storming through Las Noches with her in tow. The two of them were in their full nude glory.
"Grimmjow! Grimmjow! They're staring at me!"
"Who's staring at you?"
Neliel pointed at a group of gathering low ranked arrancar. With an exasperated sigh, Grimmjow quickly blew them all to bits.
"Happy?"
"Sweet Aizen, yes!" she giggled, and managed to run after him somehow.
"Good."
"Where are we going?"
"Oh, you'll see."
&
Orihime heard strange noises outside of Zommari's room. She could not understand what they were, but at first she thought she heard the distinct sound of a toilet being flushed.
Then, there was sobbing.
She rubbed her temples in thought when suddenly, the door swung open.
"Come on in, little lady." Zommari told her with a hiccup. She obliged hesitantly.
"OH GOD WHAT IS THAT?" she cried in disbelief.
"Shh, it's okay. Everything will be all right, human girl…"
&
Grimmjow dragged Nel into Aizen's throne room. The man smiled as he noted that the two were as naked as the day they were born.
"What is it, Grimmjow?"
"I love this girl, and I want to marry her."
"WHAT?" Two voices joined as one, the voices belonging to Nel and Aizen.
"You damn well heard me!"
"Arrancar do not marry, Grimmjow." Aizen told him with a laugh. "You always were a joker, Grimmjow."
"I'm not fucking joking!"
"What?" Neliel looked as though she might pass out. "Here I am, bleeding to death, and you're asking him for my hand in marriage? What kind of idiot are you?" she demanded.
"An idiot…in…love…?"
"HEY! SHUT UP!" Aizen yelled over their conversation. "Like I said. Arrancar do not marry. But, I will allow you to take a vacation and sort these…sigh…feelings out…" he told them.
Neliel jumped three feet in the air and instantly regretted it.
"Dammit, Nel, you're bleeding everywhere again."
"It's your fault for wanting to marry me!" she argued.
"Whatever. Yo, Aizen-sama, can I have some bandages?"
"Absolutely not."
"What? She's gonna fucking die!"
"Ask Szayel."
"He's getting beat up by his woman."
"What? I don't want to know."
Neliel had sidled up to Aizen's throne, and managed to crawl into Aizen's lap. She bled all over his clean, white robes. Aizen looked down, and as soon as he saw the crimson, he looked as though he were having apoplectic fits.
"Aizen-sama?"
"Get. The. Fuck. Out. Now." Aizen demanded.
"Yes sir! Yes sir! Right away sir!" Nel and Grimmjow chorused as they made with the "Get the fuck out".
As soon as they were in the hall, Nel and Grimmjow collapsed against each other with laughter at the scene they had caused.
"That was epic."
"We have to do that again."
"Right when we get back!" Neliel beamed, and bit at Grimmjow. He batted her away, and she pouted. "Come on, let's go. We can get married in the living world, stud."
"You're still bleeding, for fuck's sake!"
"So? I'm okaheeey!!" she cried out as she fell over. "I'm just a little dizzy is all…" she said defensively.
"Stand up, then."
She tried to stand, but fell back over. Grimmjow flung Nel over his shoulder unceremoniously and took her to a medical room before leaving for the living world.
&
Nnoitora lay on the floor of his room, on his stomach. Halibel was in his bed, refusing to share with him, on the grounds of "you're just a pansy who can't take the loving I dish out."
Shit, what a load of bullshit that was!
He could take it…just not in the large doses she tended to give it in…
She rolled over and he heard the springs creaking.
"Tesla…" he heard her murmur in her sleep. He perked up, listening intently suddenly. "Tesla, you mumble mumble mumble taking all my sex mumble mumble mumble…I mumble mumble love mumble mumble mumble Neliel mumble Grimmjow mumble."
Nnoitora's face held a classic "What the fuck" expression.
"Tesla, I'm gonna fucking kill you." Halibel muttered in her sleep as she rolled over, her mouth exposed so there was no more mumbling. Nnoitora was relieved about that, but wondered what the fuck the whole Grimmjow Neliel thing was about.
He tried to forget, but the ground was hard, and he could not sleep without his silky black sheets.
Dammit, Halibel…that's my bed.
"Halibel…" he whispered meekly, poking her shoulder. "Halibel, wake up. Come on, Halibel."
She rolled over and nearly bit his finger off. "The hell do you want?"
"My silky black sheets…"
"No!"
"Can I come back to bed?"
"Will you stop whining every time we fuck?"
"I can't make any pro—I mean, yes, yes mistress!"
"Good. Come on, then, hop on in." she said invitingly.
He did as she said happily, though she did not allow him to cuddle with her. Whatever, at least he could finally sleep.
&
Gin sat in the middle of a room, meditating it seemed with a lit stick of incense. He was not really, but that was what he would say were anyone to catch him.
He was reminiscing, something that was very rare for him. He did it when he was alone, and surprisingly, it helped him keep a scary exterior.
Besides, with the nymphomaniac Orihime running around, he could use some time alone to soak up the vibes of himself.
Finally.
He belched loudly, breaking the calm silence of the room for a long moment.
"Damn, that tasted like tacos…" Gin muttered.
&
No one would ever know who did it, but some one slipped vast amounts of sugar into Ulquiorra's morning tea one day. He skipped around Las Noches for three days, singing random songs he had picked up in the living world.
"Oh no, we gotta go, we're not gonna live forever…why why, we gotta die, you know that we'll be together…hey hey, we got to say, I could never be a saviour…you don't have to be there, cause I'm never never never, coming home!" He sang as he darted through the halls like a midget gray blur.
"I feel good, na na na na na na na! I knew that I would, na na na na na na na! So good, so good…"
"Cause you're everywhere to me, and when I close my eyes, it's you I see…"
"Gimme your hot white cum…"
"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl…year after year…"
"I'm so ugly, but it's okay cause so are you!"
Ulquiorra seemed to begin to suffer apoplectic fits similar to the ones Aizen had been experiencing.
"I want to be the minority! Down with the moral majority!"
"Just sleep…just sleep!"
Stark pointed Ulquiorra out to Szayel. "What the hell is he doing? All the lame hits from all the lame living world people?"
"Sounds like it."
"I'm going back to bed."
"Wait—want to go get bagels?"
"Sounds good to me."
Ahh...last time I make Ulquiorra sing, I tell you what.