Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon.
Note: This takes place after the Sailor Starlights season. The Starlights have left and everyone has been revived.
Usagi sat on her bed and sighed. Everyone was alive again. Everything was back to normal, but for some reason, her heart still hurt. For a year, she endured on her own. For a year she sent letters to Mamoru and never received a reply. Rei, Ami, Makoto, and Minako had been there, but it wasn't the same. They continually yelled at her to be true to Mamoru, but they never asked about him. They never figured out that she hadn't heard from him until it had been going on for so long that she almost had forgotten what he felt like. She had forgotten what his kisses felt like. When she had gone to the club with Seiya and had thought he was going to kiss her, she had almost hoped he would.
Usagi pulled her legs up to her chest and rested her chin on her knees. She hugged herself tightly. The moon shown onto her bed, illuminating her dark room. Mamoru had called her that day, but she didn't want to see him. Initially, she had wanted to see him a lot, but she was shy. They had kissed, but there was so much that he didn't know. There was so much he didn't understand. Usagi looked down at her ring. The pink heart glinted up at her and she felt tears prickling her blue eyes. She wanted to marry him. She did. But was that what the ring meant? A year had passed and she wasn't the same person. Was he? Did he still love her? She always seemed to just forgive him and let him back in so easily. They never talked about fights or when Mamoru had broken up with her after Chibiusa had appeared. They just got back together. Even though he had broken her heart, she had let him back in so easily.
This time, they needed to talk. Usagi wasn't sure if she could deal with being left alone again. She wasn't okay on her own. She got lonely. If he wasn't going to be with her forever, like he seemed to promise and did promise in their past life, she didn't want to keep waiting and enduring the pain.
"Usagi?"
She looked down and smiled softly at the black cat sitting at the foot of her bed. "Hello Luna."
"What's wrong? I thought you'd be happy with everyone back now."
Usagi looked back out the window. Images of her friends dying in her arms flashed before her eyes. Images of Galaxia telling her how she had killed Mamoru ripped through her again. "I'm fine," she said, plastering a smile on her face. "Just tired. You know me. Hungry, sleepy, clumsy Usagi!" She pulled back the covers, curled up, and turned her back to the cat. "I'm fine, Luna." She closed her eyes and pretended to fall asleep as tears tracked down her cheeks. She squeezed her eyes tighter as she tried to clear her head of their deaths. The blood on her hands. The loss she suffered. She wasn't the same Usagi anymore.
"I think something's wrong with Usagi," Luna said looking up at Rei.
The shrine maiden and Sailor Scout of the planet Mars stopped sweeping leaves to look down at the little cat. She brushed her black hair from her face and then looked out over Tokyo. "I think so, too. She hasn't been herself lately."
"What should we do?"
Rei shrugged. "She'll talk to us when she's ready to."
"Like she did when she never got a response from Mamoru."
Rei looked away, trying to fight back the angry, guilty tears. She wasn't a cry baby, but she felt horrible for never realizing how much Usagi was hurting. "I'll talk to her. All of us will treat her to lunch and get her to talk to us."
A few hours later, Usagi sat at a restaurant with her friends. She had ordered some ramen, but just stared at it, feeling the tension building. "What?" she finally asked, lifting her head to look in each of their eyes.
"Well," Rei said, looking at each of the other scouts before turning back to Usagi. "We want to make sure everything is okay with you. It seems like you've been acting a little differently lately. A little out of character."
"I'm fine!" Usagi chirped, spooning a big forkful of ramen into her mouth and forcing it down with her milkshake.
Minako looked convinced and smiled. "Good! I'm glad."
Ami looked at the girls around her and then back at Usagi. The blonde looked away and continued to force food into her mouth.
"Are you sure, Usagi-chan?" Ami asked softly, putting a hand over hers, stilling the food shoveling.
Usagi almost gave in, but forced a smile and a laugh. "Of course! Don't worry, Ami-chan. Everything is fine!"
"So have you seen Mamoru since we said good by to the Sailor Starlights?" Makoto asked while watching Usagi carefully.
"Uh, no. He's been busy. Listen guys. I have to get home, mom wants help with some chores. Bye!" Usagi jumped up from the table and ran out, her heart hammering in her chest. No, she hadn't seen him. She was avoiding him. She was afraid. It seemed like everyone she loved and held close, left her or died. She didn't want to watch anymore. She didn't want to be stupid, weak Usagi who watched her friends die as she stood back crying. She wasn't going to cry anymore. She was going to get stronger. And Mamoru was going to prove to her that he really wanted to be with her forever. He hadn't seemed like he missed her at all that whole time he was gone. You're being irrational, baka! Her mind screamed. He was dead. Her heart stopped for a moment. That thought still hurt her. That fact chilled her insides. He had been dead.
"Usako!"
Usagi stopped. Her heart beat wildly as she turned to find Mamoru hurrying over to her. He looked happy to see her in his black turtleneck and grey pants. He hurried over and gave her a kiss on the forehead.
"Usako! I'm so glad I happened to see you. I thought maybe you were avoiding me." He pulled a hand through his black hair and looked down at her.
"I've been busy, Mamo-chan." She looked away. He had been dead. He had been dead. Her heart thumped with those words. Did he still love her? Did he still want her?
"Everything okay?" he asked softly, concern etched in his face. "You don't seem yourself."
Usagi clenched her fists. She was tired of hearing that. "How am I suppose to be, Chiba Mamoru? Am I suppose to be happy, clumsy, stupid Usagi after watching my friends die around me and finding out my boyfriend was dead? Am I suppose to be the same after being by myself in my own loneliness for a year?" Her voice was a screech as hot, angry tears screamed down her cheeks.
Mamoru looked taken a back, his face falling, his eyes showing hurt. "I'm sorry, Usako. I'm sorry I was gone. I couldn't help it. I couldn't help that Galaxia came after me. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. If I could have been there, I would have—"
"No!" Usagi felt what she had been keeping locked away bubbling to the surface. "You chose to leave! You decided to go to America and study. You decided to leave me! You had a choice and I, like a good girlfriend, supported you even though it was killing me inside. Through this past year, the three hundred and sixty-five letters I sent you never revealed to you how much I hurt. How much I wanted to demand you to come back. And then it turned out, that you were dead! You chose to leave me and die!" Usagi turned and ran, leaving a stunned Mamoru in her wake. She knew she was being horrible. She knew she was being heartless, but her heart was so bruised, it felt like there was nothing left.
She lay on her bed that night, thinking to herself.
"Usagi?"
"Go away Luna."
"But, Mam—"
"I don't care. Go away. Tell him to stop calling." Usagi closed her eyes and begged her body to just fall asleep and never wake up. She didn't know how to deal anymore. She was unraveling. The pain was finally creeping into her soul, tainting her, and she didn't care. She didn't even care if it turned her evil like Queen Beryl had become so long ago after Endymion's rejection. Maybe it was better off for her to be alone. Maybe then, she would be the powerful scout, finally. She wouldn't just stand by anymore and watch everyone else defeat her enemies. Usagi's tears stopped and she opened her eyes. She couldn't be kind and goodhearted forever. People like that weren't winners. People like that didn't watch their friends die in their arms, they killed the attackers before they got the chance and that is what she was going to do.