Disclaimer: I don't own House or even the letter – I received it in one of those annoying e-mail forwards!

Banned from WalMart

Cuddy was pregnant. Cuddy was hormonal. Cuddy had cravings. However, as she was not your average woman, these cravings were not for pickles and vanilla-bean ice cream. Instead, all she wanted to do was shop. Naturally, (it seemed logical to the eight-month pregnant woman, anyways), she insisted on dragging House with her on her daily trips to WalMart. It was her new favorite place – practically a second home. She would spending blissful hours browsing through various departments, buying all sorts of paraphernalia that she really didn't need. House would disappear for varying lengths of time, but always came back innocent and as ornery as ever. Being pregnant, she thought nothing of it, until she received the following letter from within her beloved and hallowed blue walls:

Dear Ms. Cuddy:

Over the past six months, you have often visited our store. We are very grateful for your devotion. However, we cannot say the same of your frequent companion, a Dr. Gregory House. He has caused innumberable instances of panic and commotion and has put a great deal of stress on our employees. Bearing the following examples of some his more extreme and eccentric antics and the enclosed security tapes as testimony, we may be forced to ban you both from the store:

Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly placed them in customers' carts when they weren't looking.

Set all the alarms in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

Went to the service desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

Moved a CAUTION – WET FLOOR sign to a carpeted area.

Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows and blankets from the Bedding Department.

When a clerk asked if he could help him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

While handling guns in the Hunting Department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

Hobbled around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.

In the Auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "Pick me! Pick me!"

When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal positon and screamed, "Oh no! It's those voices again!"

Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

WalMart

After so many years, Cuddy was far from appalled at House's actions. However, as the first contraction suddenly announced itself and the letter slipped from her hand to fall on the floor, being banned from WalMart was the last thing on her mind. Besides, those security tapes made great family videos in the years to come.

Tubs and tubs of ice cream for those who review!