A/N: Everything else is proving difficult to write so somehow this came about while I was trying to make sense of the GA timeline, which is an excellent way to waste time. I've tried to think of a way to summarize what I have and where I'm going but I think you'll see. Oh and we are pre-affair here but still stuck in their marriage mess. Thanks to the all knowing beta. All cut lyrics and title are from Metric's "Ending Start". Enjoy-

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All this that is more than a wish is a memory
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"I called Richard." Derek mutters as he hits the button and finishes scrubbing out of his last surgery of the day.

"Yeah, what for?" Mark asks reaching for a paper towel. It's been a long day and aside from the fact that he hasn't seen Derek outside of the OR in nearly a month he's still genuinely interested in what he has going on, as long as it doesn't interfere with his date in an hour with what's her face from psych…or was it peds, oh well.

Toweling dry Derek careens his neck from side to side trying to work out the permanent tension. "I was thinking of going out there for a little while."

"He's got a case?"

"Not exactly." He answers nonchalantly and pulls at the plain green scrub cap until it is hanging loosely from his tired fingers. It swings in the cool air from side to side waiting for to drop onto the hard tile. His fingers lightly grasp the smooth fabric but it doesn't slip.

"Well what exactly is it man?"

"I just need a change of scenery. I thought maybe I could out there for a month, do some fishing, work at a different hospital for a few weeks. I need a break."

The first thing that jumps to his mind is, "Umm…you have a wife or did you forget again?" but he bites his tongue and nods as Derek continues on with his story. He's grinning, there's emotion where there's just been a void before and he'll gladly step back from defending Addison for a moment if it makes his friend happy.

"He says that I could stay permanently. He's only been there two years but I think he's really shaking things up out there."

"Where's there again?" Mark grumbles leaning against the free wall that isn't decorated with gloves and hazardous materials.

"Seattle."

"Seattle? Seriously?"

"Yeah, it would be a nice change." He shrugs and pulls his shirt free from his pants. The only thing he wants to do is kick off his shoes and curl into a ball on the hard mattress of the fifth floor on call room.

"Yeah, I guess. Doesn't it rain there a lot?" Mark states trying not to roll his eyes. He constantly reminds himself that it's none of his damn business…except it is his business. When Derek shoves him into going out to dinner with Addison, though more often than not he is volunteering now, and when he accidentally catches Addison crying in an unlocked supply room because their mutual best friend is the worlds' biggest jackass and is too dumb to see any of it. None of his business he repeats silently. It's one hell of a mantra.

"What? You just said…and now you're rolling your eyes at me. What gives?"

"Nothing, look I have a date. I'll see you tomorrow man." He slaps him on the back and walks out of the room secretly hoping he'll wake up in the morning with a brain that can do something besides operate.

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He staggers into the on call room and tosses his lab coat to the floor hearing his pager clatter against the solid floor. Deciding against seeing if it is still functioning he kicks his designated surgery shoes under the bed and rubs at his eyes. He drowsily feels his head hit the pillow and then the blackness consumes him until the annoying sound of an emergency sets him off. Groggily he pulls the white fabric to him with his toes and sees the number. He reaches for his shoes angrily and scoops up the now empty coat from the cold ground.

His hair matted to the left side of his face, half of his scrub top tucked in and with one shoe on he enters the elevator. Through the downward spiral of illuminating lights he manages to pull on the other shoe but not tie it and musses his hair enough so that it looks sloppy on purpose. When the doors ding open she stands immaculate, pristine and impatiently waiting on him.

"I've been looking for you everywhere." In truth she's been looking everywhere, not really hard mind you but nevertheless, for the last three days straight. She literally hasn't seen her husband in days.

"Well, you found me. What do you want Addison? I'm tired."

"I want to go home." She replies placing a hand on her hip and daring him to challenge the fact that he will be going there with her. It'd be a first for the week. He sighs and she drops the attitude looking almost pathetic.

"Fine. Let's waste an hour getting home, get three hours of sleep, wake up almost three hours before we have to be here so we can both get ready, and spend another hour commuting. Good plan Addie."

Her face contorts in thought and she isn't about to mention the fact that she can't really sleep when it is only her in their bed; the fact that her back is almost permanently misaligned from sleeping on the couch waiting for him to get home these days. He never does. "Fine. I'll go." She doesn't want to fight, not here. She's too tired to argue; too exhausted to care that he'd rather not see her in any sense now. Sometimes she thinks she must be crazy for thinking these things. Times like right now-

"You work tomorrow?" He used to have her days memorized. Used to sneak lunches with her when they were both on duty and used to make her breakfast before he left for the day when she was off. But that was then and this is now. Now he is a busy man, the head of his department with the paperwork mountain to prove it.

"Yeah at 11." She responds lighting up a little. He hasn't shown in an interest in her breathing for the last year let alone her work schedule. She respects what he does, she understands it, the challenges, the energy and concentration that are required, but she just doesn't understand why he can't balance. Certainly she was no role model and had forgotten their anniversary this year, as had he, but at least she knew that he existed outside the walls of the hospital, or rather he used to.

"Ok sleep well honey." He turns with the obligatory salutation and habitual pet name to give the mandatory kiss on the cheek.

Teetering on the heel of her stiletto she accidentally swings into him and her lips land on his briefly. It's quick, surprising, hesitant but not unpleasant and she hasn't kissed him in weeks. Glancing around the abandoned waiting room she reaches up and tangles a few fingers in his dirty hair and deepens their embrace hungrily. She pulls back flushed and a little embarrassed but her rash decision, "I miss you Derek…wherever you are."

She sighs fighting off the tears that always try to creep in during the late hours and heads for the dark parking lot wondering how long it will be before she sees her husband again; how long it will be before they finally give up.

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She dips her toe into the hot bath to affirm that she won't boil her skin off by getting all the way in. She sips at the wine next to her and tries to enjoy the fine article on page 78 about babies but all her mind wants to do is replay the kiss she had a few hours ago. Undoing her tightly wound hair she feels the tips brush at her shoulders and remembers when Derek would share this very tub with her. When he would kiss and nip at her skin leaving little red marks visible the next day.

The times when he was just as hungry for her as she was for him. When he needed her as much as she needed him but it's dissipated. Somehow, somewhere in the mess of ninety hour weeks and missed dinners they lost the flame. She can't pick a year or a day out of the calendar, all she knows is that something is off but she'd rather not fight with the time that he will actually devote to her. So she willingly dismisses all of the incomplete meals and unfinished conversations in place of a few warm moments where they try to pretend they are happy.

It's easier to fake life and push through the canyon sized gap between them than to actually live it out.

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"Mom!" Addison shouts excitedly filing into the house following her many nieces and nephews. Being an only child she relishes in Derek's sense of family togetherness and chaos.

"Addison dear." She pulls her daughter in-law into a quick hug before pulling back and noting that her son isn't anywhere in the vicinity. "Where's Derek?"

"Work." She shrugs and then stumbles into the wall ungracefully as Adam and Cecilia bully their way into the living room intent on finishing their game of Risk.

"Guys, take it easy!" Nancy yells after them and then mouths and apology to Addison.

"Addison, I need to go check on dinner, make yourself at home." Lillian explains and then excuses herself.

"Ok." She's offer to help but she knows she's no help in the kitchen and lately things have been strained being here without Derek. There's an air of resentment taken out on her and while it's natural she'd really like for things to at least go back to how they were before when she could get lost in the family crowd of kids while Derek was complained at and made to do manual labor around the house.

She reaches the living room to find twelve of the fourteen spread out playing marathon board games and trying their best to stay entertained so grandma doesn't make them help take out the trash and clean the gutters. The missing two kids are set to arrive later in the evening with Janet. After two hours of staring into her cell phone and faking a smile when a child would flail around in a tormenting victory dance she finally heard a familiar voice filling the entry way.

The kids, having not seen their uncle for far longer than he cares to think, beat Addison to the door and swarm him shouting stories and explaining the afternoon's happenings. Jumping and screaming finished the girls drag him into the kitchen pulling at his clothes and ruffling his short wavy locks leaving Addison alone by the front door. She's not even sure that he saw her but is determined not to make Christmas Eve stressful for anyone.

Hours later, after far too much food, three crying incidents, two time outs, endless humiliating stories and one round of hot chocolate by the fireplace in the name of tradition Derek climbs into the small twin bed in the basement next to his shivering wife. He can't recall the last time they slept in the same room, let alone the same bed but as his calves catch her icy toes he stops wondering why. He rolls touching his back to hers and gives up fighting over the blankets when he moves to the floor a short fifteen minutes later. It's easier than slinking back up to the couch in the family room and explaining why he is away from his wife when the room floods with eager bouncing children.

"Derek?" She whispers into the frigid room.

"Yeah?" He tries calmly in the sake of the holiday.

"Why are you on the floor?" She asks sitting upright.

"I just thought I'd give you more room and more blankets to warm up." He shrugs in the dim light provided by the crack coming from the door at the top of the old creaky stairway.

Always the gentlemen she grimaces and then lays back down huffing only to be surprised a few minutes later with his warm chest pressed up against her back and his strong arms wrapping around her waist to keep her secure. He kisses her silk covered shoulder and finds the spot he hasn't nuzzled in months.

"Derek?"

"Add, I'm tired." He growls thinking that the conversation could have been over when he came back.

"Merry Christmas." She sighs defeated and knowing it is well past midnight.

"Oh. Merry Christmas, night." He whispers before slipping away.

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He took a cab up. It was probably stupid in hindsight because now he is stuck navigating his wife's small sedan through the hills on their way back to the real world. The real world that includes the fact that he didn't realize she bought a new car and is struck with the realization that she probably told him, probably researched it, probably showed him the research, asked him to come help, he declined citing work and now here he sits blissfully aware of the fact that they blew seventy or so more thousand dollars and he doesn't miss any of it. It's just money after all but he has no idea when this outlook on life took hold of him.

"Thank you for coming." She cordially tells him like he is a patient after about forty minutes of pure silence.

"I'm glad I was there."

"Me too." She grins and then turns back to the speeding scenery. She watches the very bottom of the window where the pavement intersects with the bushes and how they all turn into a haze of black and green motion lines. She's got nothing better to do.

"Addison?"

"Yeah?" She rips her eyes from the entrancing window and looks at him.

"Richard called me."

"Oh yeah? How is he, how is Adele?" They've only been gone for a few years but saying that she misses her mentor would be an understatement. He always had a way of keeping not only her but Derek grounded and she'd be lying if she said that without his guiding hand they were starting to crumble under the pressure. He used to remind them to take it slow, used to tell them to make time without meddling and making it seem personal. Just a father-esc nudge here and there to keep them on the straight and narrow.

"Good, good."

"That's nice to hear. Where are they again?"

"Seattle."

"Right. Doesn't it rain there a lot?" It goes unanswered and if she had to be honest probably unheard. The stillness prevails again and she goes back to the shrubbery dreading the moment when it will turn to all concrete and her husband will abandon here in the name of saving lives as they slowly lose their own.

"Addie?"

"Yeah Derek." She turns again but he doesn't lift his eyes from the road.

"I was thinking of going out there for awhile. I thought you should know. Just a few weeks to clear out my system, do some fishing, take on a few cases, kind of test the waters in case-"

"In case?" She questions feeling her stomach knot.

"In case…I move." Her mutters trying to think of a good way to say that he's thinking of leaving her after ten years of marriage.

"Don't you mean we? We move Derek?" She blurts out feeling nauseous and abandoned.

"I didn't think you'd want to leave New York." He replies, "I just need some time somewhere else, I feel like I'm suffocating here."

She knows the feeling, too well. Clenching her jaw she tries to weld her tear ducts closed. Feeling her heart thump away in her chest she takes deep breaths waiting for him to speak again because it can't be that simple. He can not be walking away from her.

"I wouldn't be moving now, I'd just go look and if I liked it then we could discuss it. I didn't want to get you all up in arms about it yet is all."

She's really grown tired of the "considerate" card in the last few years. She bites back the bile that tries to retch its way onto the floorboard and grins politely. "Let's go together."

"Together?" He chokes. This was his escape. His out for a few weeks to clear his head.

She doesn't answer immediately and he doesn't implore her to speak. The hum of the powerful engine and low classical music playing in the background fills their heads. "I want a divorce." She mutters out meekly. He will not be the one doing the walking. Even if it breaks her soul into a million shards of colored glass she wants to be the one with the power. She's the only one trying in this relationship anyway, she should be the one with the right to end it.

"What!"

"If you're going to run away like you always do…I'm not just going to sit in New York for three years and pray that my husband who doesn't see me as it is comes home and miraculously decides he loves me and wants to be with me." She chokes out willing the fluid to stay behind her blue orbs. It's time to come clean.

"I love you." He counters defensively. Immediately, it's so natural to say that he doesn't even entertain the possibility that it could not be true. He's no fool, he knows things aren't great between them anymore but that's the way marriage works and they're stable and seemingly happy enough. He never saw this coming.

"I love you too but I won't wait for you anymore. We haven't…we're not alright Derek."

"I know that."

"You don't get an easy out clause on this one. You don't get to go hide away until I forget and you don't get to come back into my world and disrupt it once I learn how to live without you." She never thought she'd be saying these things. She married for love; she married the person who told her that he would stick with her.

"We can't. I- we can't Addison." Catastrophe isn't in him. He doesn't do failures.

"It's not like I want this Derek! I didn't beg you to stop realizing I existed; I didn't tell you to pretend that I was fine without seeing you days at a time."

"I don't-"

"You do. All the time."

Letting the silence consume the humid dripping air he can smell his defeat. They're both tired, they're both lazy but he's not giving her that satisfaction. Perhaps Seattle can hold something better for both of them. Maybe all they need is a break. "Let's go together. It would be good, no? The fresh air, a new city, a new hospital, a clean slate Addison."

She doesn't want the new start. The fresh start comes with all of the old baggage. "We can't get a clean start with each other Derek."

"I know." He states calmly.

"I reserve the right to hate Seattle and bitch and complain until you decide that you should have just given me divorce papers."

He feels a smile tug at the corners of his mouth and hesitantly pulls the car to the side of the road. For the first time in years they are on the same page, working as a team to settle something and it feels good. It feels right. "I'm sorry for everything." He tells her drumming his hand on the leather steering wheel and hoping she'll understand.

"Me too." She's got some responsibility, maybe more than she'd like to admit but if a little humility is necessary to save her marriage then she's willing to give it up. He leans into her space and lightly presses a kiss to her red lips trying to set the record straight and their minds at ease.

"A do over in Seattle."

She crinkles her nose instinctively. "Do we have to bring Mark?"

He chuckles and lets his head fall against the seat, "He's like our child. Our fully grown, horrible decision making, pandemonium inducing kid. He has to come."

"Yeah our child who screws all of my nurses, friends and patients' relatives making my job and life a whole lot harder than it should be." She recites.

"Eh, what are kids for anyway?"

She smacks his chest before finding his fingers and touching the skin that she hasn't grazed in months. He rubs at the tingling spot before sighing. "I'm going to teach you how to fly fish."

"Not in this lifetime Derek Shepherd." She warns smiling widely. Maybe the rain can save them both.

"Seattle." He grins revving the engine and checking behind them.

"I hate it already."

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