Disclaimer: All characters and situations from One Tree Hill are properties of Mark Schwahn, and CBS Warner Television. No copyright infringement intended.

Author's Note - All credits for the idea of the flashback in this chapter go to Simone1. She gave me a wonderful idea to write about and I enjoyed writing it. I hope you readers like it too. Thanks Simone1, I really appreciate your input!

Somewhere I Don't Belong

Chapter 6

Embracing The World In Gray

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"Psychoanalysis shows the human infant as the passive recipient of love, unable to bear hostility. Development is the learning to love actively and to bear rejection."

Karl Stern

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Did she successfully complete her job, doing whatever she could to keep her children away from harm? Did she do everything possible to make sure than her children were good people? Was she an acceptable Mother that would do anything for her daughter and son?

For Brooke, she did.

Victoria had done everything she could as a Mother to parent and protect Brooke. From rushing to her crib to coddle her as a child, to teaching her how to put on make up, Victoria would look at her beautiful daughter and see herself.

She didn't let Brooke be a skinny twig like Peyton Sawyer, because Brooke had so much more going for her than her looks. Brooke was gorgeous, smart, had amazing leadership skills, and self-esteem that any other girl would envy. And Victoria felt that she had helped make a large part of that.

In a few days, Brooke was going to walk arm in arm with his father in her pristine white gown for her cotillion. The cotillion party was a high class coming out party for all the teenage girls that are turning sixteen. This would be one of the most proud moments that Victoria would ever experience as a Mother.

Where had all of this pride been for Alex?

While she had been putting all of her Motherly efforts into Brooke, she left Alex alone to wonder why his Mom couldn't tell him that she loved him, or she was proud of him, or even hug him. She could count the number of times that she remembered hugging her son close on one hand.

Victoria realized with horror that without knowing it, she was becoming the one woman that she vowed not to be like; her Mother. Gerogia Davis was a woman that had a heart of ice, and was about as lovable as a cactus.

When Victoria had been a delicate little girl, she had spent hours vying for her Mom's love, pride, or anything to recieve a hug. She had gotten the best grades, been in all the top clubs and sororities, and dated all of the right boys.

None of those things had ever succeeded in making Georgia Davis proud. And by the time that she graduated college, Victoria had wanted to make sure that she treated her child better than Georgia had treated her.

And in Brooke's case, she had treated her daughter better, making sure that she hugged her, made her feel like she was a special little girl and made sure that the nannies took well care of her when she was forced to go on extended business trips.

Too bad she had become just like Georgia because of her treatment of Alex. The lack of hugs, attention and love must have taken their toll on her son. They must have taken such a toll that Alex thought that he had a better chance to find acceptance from the father that abandoned him in the cruelest way, than living with his neglecful Mom.

Too bad Alex had to find out the harsh reality of how mean and cold his father was by the man having him arrested and put in a juvenile delinquent facilty.

"Oh Alex..."

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The inconsolable Alex didn't even turn over in the cot to see who was in his cell with him. The normally frigid and strict voice of Victoria Davis could be heard from behind him, and it only made him curl even further into himself.

Alex knew that if he rolled over and faced her, he would see her with her arms crossed over her chest, and an angered expression that told him that she was only more ashamed of him. And the worst would be how she would rub it in that she was right about George.

Victoria didn't try to talk to her son, as she could tell that he was crying by the convulsions that could be seen on his back. Instead, she sat on the edge of the thin, off white, stained mattress and laid her hand on his back and rubbed soothing circles to calm him down.

The situation reminded her much of when Alex spraigned his ankle when he was nine. By that age he knew the position that held in his Mother's eyes, and that Brooke was clearly favored over him, but he had still begged for her attention and comfort, and for her to take away his pain.

But this time, he didn't ask for her comfort, and he didn't seem to expect it either. Had she really let him drift so far from her that he wouldn't ask for comfort from his own Mom?

Alex could feel the heaving in his chest subside as the hand on his back continued soothing him as if he were a small child. Finally, after much time had passed, he felt that he was calm enough to sit up.

Victoria nearly gasped when Alex sat up and let her see his face. The red irritated skin from him rubbing his tears away was the last of her worries. Her real concerns were the heavily bruised cheek bone, and the eye that was completely surrounded by a purple and blue welt. Though she had warned Alex that his father was cold, she never ever expected him to be the kind of man to punch the boy that he knew was his son.

"Alex..." She was about to apologize for the pain that she had allowed him to go through, he interrupted her.

"Say it." Alex moaned as he sat up, though he still refused to look at his Mom, for fear of her expression.

"What?" Victoria withdrew her hand from Alex and watched him grieve, confused as to what he was asking her to say. She had a vague idea of what it would be, but she wouldn't say it, the statement would too heart breaking for both of them.

Alex turned his head toward her this time, amazed that she was going to make him ask for it. How cruel did she have to be? She already knew that his other parent had inflicted the most malevolent act that he could imagine, so why did she have to make it worse. Swallowing deeply, Alex spoke in a deep, sorrowful voice.

"Just get it over with and say that you were right, and I was wrong. I know that I deserve a giant I told you so." Losing his grip on his last bit of dignity, Alex let himself sink into a state of reclusion. Though he asked his Mom to say these things didn't mean that he wanted to hear them.

Victoria covered her mouth with her hand to hide her fallen jaw. Did Alex really have such little faith in her as his Mom that he expected her to rub his failed attempt at knowing his father in his face? She was becoming more and more like her Mother than she could have ever imagined.

She couldn't see her son's eyes through his mop of hair, and and therefore, no real emotions could be seen. Victoria wanted to see her son through more than just his hair. Brushing Alex's bangs out of his face and holding them there, Victoria stared straight into his eyes. But instead of seeing his pain, she saw his personality receeding.

"I'm not going to say those things Alex." She sat next to him and hesitated to put her hands on him while he was aware and watching him. She was fine with touching him when he was so overcome with grief that he couldn't process anything else, but now that he was intently watching her, she couldn't lay a comforting hand on him.

Why was Mothering Alex so hard when loving and comforting Brooke was her second nature?

"You can't even touch me..." Alex had his eyes on his Mom's hand, which was suspended in mid air above his shoulder. He couldn't be any more uspet than he already was, with random tears occasionally still slipping down his face, but Victoria's hesitation to be able to touch him still stung.

After all, only a day before, he had seen Victoria hug Brooke before she left to school with Theresa. Where had his hug been that day as he lingered in the doorway, watching the exchanged? He had given up staying a few moments more and waiting for his Mom to hug him.

In fact, that hope had been given up more than a decade ago, when he still carried around his stuffed dog, and said 'Mommy' instead of Victoria.

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"What story do you want Mommy to read you tonight princess?" The muffled voice from inside his sister's room signaled to the three and a half year-old that it was that time of night again. His Mommy was going to read him a story and then sing him a lullabye!

Rushing out of his door with his stuffed dog, Sniffy, hugged to his chest, Alex smiled as he plopped down in front of his baby sister's closed door. Leaning against it, careful not to alert anyone inside to his presence, Alex was antsy to start the story.

"Oh, Are you My Mother? Great choice princess." His Mommy's soft voice could barely be heard, so he pressed one of his ears to the door to hear better.

That story was his absolute favorite. It was about a birdie going everywhere to try to find his Mommy. Sometimes he felt just like the baby birdie in the story because his Mommy sometimes forgot him too.

Alex knew that the story wasn't really meant for him, and was only meant to be heard by Brooke, but he couldn't help but to pretend that it was all for him. After all, he never got bed time stories and his mommy never sang him to sleep. Listening to her soothing voice was comforting and never failed to make him drowsy.

Nearing the end of the story, when the birdie found his mommy, Alex felt slightly jealous. His Mommy was always out of reach to him.

"The End. Are you ready for your lullabye princess?" Brooke giggled in response to her Mother's voice, and Alex, the unknown presence on the other side of the closed door was nodding his head, waiting impatiently for the song.

Alex hugged Sniffy tighter to his chest as he curled in the fetal position, basking in the serenity of his Mommy's voice. He found himself rocking back and forth as a primitive soothing method, almost like he was pretending that his Mommy was holding him in her arms and rocking him.

When all the sounds disappeared, a disappointed Alex yanked his thumb from his mouth and scurried back to his room and into his 'big boy bed'. Crawling up with some difficulty, he buried himself under the his soft blankies, squeezed Sniffy for comfort and stuck his thumb back in mouth.

"Goodnight Brookie. I love you." Alex frowned at that sentiment. His tucking in had consisted of being put in his room and having the door shut behind him. The only way he could navigate the way to his bed was the night light that was shaped like a smiling doggy. Doggies were his favorite animals.

"Goodnight Mommy. I love you too." Alex whispered sadly as he heard his Mommy exit Brooke's room and walk past his without opening the door and making sure that her baby boy was tucked in.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Alex thought about the story, thinking that he was the baby birdie, finding his Mommy and having her love him.

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Tension between Victoria and Alex had never been a surprise between either of them. Their whole parent-child relationship had been filled with tension so thick that it was the only thing that either could think about. But right now as they drove to where Alex had left the car, there was an air of pity and bitterness mixed along in that tension.

Victoria parked her car across the street from the car that Alex had drivensand paused before her son got out. He had been silent, as he usually was around her and everyone else. Alex was a recluse that recoiled and floundered when around people where Brooke was a social butterfly that flourished.

She knew that her son wouldn't speak about what happened to him when he met his father without pressure pouring down on him and a major emotional outburst.

Looking over, she saw him with his head hung, hair draped over his eyes, obviously upset but not willing to share the root cause.

"Alex, why won't you tell me what is going on with you?" The question was setting her up and she knew it. She never asked him what was happening in his life before, always choosing to neglect rather than take responsibility of her son's emotions.

"You're not my therapist, and the last time I checked, you weren't very interested in being my Mom either. So excuse me if I don't feel like spilling my guts to someone that was never even interested to hear about my day at school." Alex was sick of the tension and being around the woman that should have been the anchor of his life, but instead chose to leave him to his own devices, so he got out of the car.

Victoria was left in her luxury vehicle, completely speechless. Alex hadn't said such words that were laced with an upset attitude since she could remember. He was always passive, letting her walk over him. And the moment that she chose to say something to him that resembled Motherly nurturing and caring, he blew her off with his attitude.

Alex did have a point in his rebuttal though. Through most of his life, she had pushed aside his emotional needs, sometimes for Brooke, and other times becasue she didn't feel like playing Mommy to her illegitimate son.

Watching Alex get into the driver's seat of the car and turn the key in the ignition, Victoria drove off quickly. A small bit of her soul was hurt by Alex not letting her know about what was hurting him. He was her son, the thing that she had nurtured, albeit reluctantly, for nine months. And now he couldn't even stand being around her.

Not that she showed her son that she could stand being around him for the first sixteen years of his life...

Victoria Davis felt like she had lost a battle today. She had tried to be a Mother to Alex by comforting him from all the pain that he was surely feeling from the meeting with his father and had been turned down. And she wasn't used to being turned down by anyone or anything.

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As Alex drove down the highway, he wondered just how far ahead that his Mother was. He had sped up to almost twenty miles an hour over the speed limit to try and catch up to her, but when her black Lexus was nowhere to be seen no matter how fast he drove, Alex slowed back down.

He was slightly discouraged that Victoria hadn't at least had the decency to wait for him. After she had comforted him, he thought that maybe they had come to somewhat of an understanding. A warped, strained, yet almost civil understanding.

Alex grunted as he realized how stupid that he sounded. He had spent his whole childhood vying for any attention that he could get from his cold mother. And now that he had recieved that attention (though Victoria still couldn't stand to touch him when he was conscious of her movements), he was withdrawing like the scared little boy that he really was.

Did he really do these things to himself unconsciously? What was wrong with him that he craved light when in the dark, and when he was engulfed by the light, he just wanted to crawl back to the darkness, curl up and be unnoticed.

His statement before he exited his Mother's car had been a test of sorts. Would Victoria act like the cold business woman that disregarded him when he got difficult, or would she stay the same woman that she was when she asked him to share his hurts and rubbed his back as he sobbed?

Obvious it was the first choice, much to his disappointment.

Wasn't that how normal mothers and sons acted? The son was petulant and sarcastic, and the Mother would forgive her son for however he acted.

Now it was obvious that he could never have that. He had challenged the great Victoria Davis and he had lost. How typical of his life.

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Hey guys, sorry for the slight delay in updating, this week has been hectic and I have been so busy with tests. I appreciate all of you that continue to read and review to my story because the reviews are what make me so happy to write. Thanks again to all of you that take the time to read and review. And special thanks to Suziebw12. Love Broody