Cat, Rat, and Dog

By Matelia-legwll

A/N: Last chapter, Lily just finished conversing with Mrs. Norris, who was surprisingly fair and noble for a cat belonging to Filch.

She sat back on her haunches, and turned her gaze unblinkingly towards the door.

I lay my head back down gently on my paws, closed my eyes, and half wondered if it was possible for cats to get concussions, and therefore I should concentrate on staying awake. That would really stink. I don't know if I can stay awake.

Mrs. Norris didn't seem too worried though, so I let oblivion take over and relieve the pressure of the headache Filch had caused.

CHAPTER THIRTY THREE: Peter

How come kittens are associated with the words fluffy, cute, and innocent? Because they are none of the above. Well, I take that back. Evans is rather fluffy. But cute? Or innocent? Ha. Cats are devils in disguise. They sit still and look at you with those blank glassy eyes, and I swear you can see imminent death in them.

So if you think cats are innocent, I've got several bottomless cauldrons that I could sell you.

I'm almost certain Evans is at fault somehow for the situation we found ourselves in. And what situation is that? Me dragging James and Remus all over the castle, while Sirius putters away in the dormitory looking for the map. I swear if Evans comes wandering back somehow, completely and purely on her own, I will punish her. I don't know how, but I don't expend this much effort easily.

But getting back to the cute and innocent claims kittens make, how much wood could a woodchuck—? Argh. Sorry. That interrupted my thought process again before I could finish my idea. Anyway, the only person that would support the claim of cuteness is James, who in his nervousness about finding the girl—cat—Evans—Lils—was spouting off different memories they shared in which she acted particularly adorable.

Prongs is mental, I tell you, mental! Who knew that Evans had cutely come to him for comfort during that awful little tiny miniscule rain storm we had the other night? Oh right. I did. Me and Padfoot. Well, actually I didn't know about the cute part, just the fact that she spent a portion of the night in his bed. That was funny. And very good blackmail.

I've got my hands so full right now. I'm also trying to distract Moony from putting two and two together and actually coming up with four instead of five. Which is not easy, considering James's choice of subject matter for his little rants. Sirius better thank me on hands and knees when he finds the map with no further pestering from these two.

How in Merlin's left worn green sock had they managed to lose Evans in the first place? I don't think I got the full story out of any one of them. But yesterday we were busy looking in the kitchens, asking the house elves to keep an eye out for the cat as well. And there was of course, the prank we played on Snape. And no, I'm not talking about the fight that I walked in on. James, Remus and I managed to prank him pretty good, even after that. Three words: flying orange trousers. Glorious.

Know what else was rather brilliant? The passageway we managed to stumble on. That was so cool! Who would've thought that there was a slide thingy going from the suit of armor on the sixth floor down to the third? But that was fun finding that. We'll have to add it to the map when Sirius locates it under his bed.

And yes, I know I could be helping Sirius out a whole lot more, but it's the principle of the matter. I can't just flat out tell him where to find it. That would be impossible. Plus he wouldn't trust me anyway if I just came out and said it after making him work so hard to start with.

"Wormtail! C'mon!"

I looked around in shock. How had they gotten so far away from where I was walking? Quick, gotta distract Remus. "Moony, I forget. Do you like t-bone or rib-eye steak better?" I asked as I caught up to them once more.

He stared at me, before responding, "Does it matter? If it's rare, and it's steak, I'll like it."

James groaned. "Please not this again. I'm hungry. Say, remember when I took Lils to the kitchens and you lot were playing that prank on Filch?"

Yeah, that was yesterday wasn't it? No, the day before. Hang on. I was looking for the cat then, too! How does she keep managing to get in so much trouble? She's not even a Marauder.

Remus thankfully ignored him as he continued to go off on the different types of cuts of steak: "Admittedly, yes, there is a difference in the overall toughness and the marbling of the fat, and I sort of prefer the cuts that have less obvious amounts of fat. See, Wormy, the fat is both a wonderful and a horrible thing, for it flavors the meat and it means less meat overall. So, I like the cuts with the most meat, and yet the best flavor. It really depends on how it's cooked, I suppose."

Victory!

I was helpfully nodding along, ignoring James's groans and tummy rubs as Remus continued his steak rant.

Good thing all I have to remember from that is that Remus likes his steaks cooked rare. I really couldn't care less about the rest of the rubbish he's spouting off on, but it is certainly keeping the topic away from a certain unmentionable witch that is now a cat. Which is very, very good.

The thing I forgot to remember is that the particular stair we were climbing usually went in a predictable direction (Fifth floor), unless it was Thursday. Which, of course, today happened to be. There was no telling on which floor it ended on Thursdays. Ruddy Ravenclaw and her staircase switcharoos.

The stairs seemed to go on for ages, and James and Remus looked around, curious, as I once was, as to where we'd end up. Now, I was just irritated.

It was utterly Hogwarts' fault that I couldn't keep track of the days of the week without lessons as my guide. How are we supposed to know that it's Thursday when we haven't had Transfiguration or Charms? Stupid long-lasting holiday. Just because a lot of students take advantage of the opportunity to return home, doesn't mean that the holiday should be so drawn out.

"Where do you reckon we'll end up today?" asked James in relatively good humor.

"The map was the only thing that was able to predict it accurately," responded Remus.

At that remark from Moony, they both shot a pointed look in my direction. "What?" I exclaimed innocently, or well, mostly.

"Padfoot said you were the one that hid it," said James loftily.

I pouted. I knew what they were doing. They're trying to guilt me into revealing the location. Well, that won't work.

I turned my nose up at the both of them and their chuckles at my tiff, and strode past them on the stairs, ending up in front of a portrait of a small knight.

Never having seen this portrait before—in a castle as large and varied as this one, that isn't as hard as you might think—I approached the portrait, hoping to get some bearings before James and Remus joined me.

"Hey, Mr. Knight!" I called trying to catch his attention.

I heard a groan from the staircase behind me and then Prongs asked Moony in a rather pained voice. "Please tell me that's not Sir Cadogan that Wormy just started to talk to."

The short man turned, fell, stood again and looked around for a second before spotting me, bowing sharply, and falling to one knee. He fell over a lot, I noticed. "Ah, what might be your problem, Knave?"

"I'm afraid it is, Prongs. Is that a little bit bad?" Remus asked, his curiosity plainly evident.

"Well, speak up, boy! I haven't got all day," the knight in the portrait urged me.

James let out another groan. "It's slightly more than a little bit bad, Moony."

I tried my best to explain what we were struggling with, it being Thursday and all, and would the kind portrait please let us know exactly which floor his painting hung on?

"An ADVENTURE!" The tiny knight shouted, dashing for his fat horse.

"No!" James shouted at the words, coming forward now. "No. No. Absolutely no adventures!"

The knight ignored him, trying his hardest to leap astride his stallion gracefully. He had little success.

"Why not?" I asked curiously.

Prongs gave a little sneer. "The last time I went on an adventure with Sir Knight over there, Padfoot and I ended up in the Hospital Wing and in detention."

"That doesn't sound too unusual," Moony pointed out.

"It wasn't for anything we did. Filch just couldn't put Sir Holiness in a detention for spouting those insults at him."

That's a good point. How would you put a portrait in detention for something? Surely they could get irritating at times. Hm. How come I've never been a portrait? It seems like the obvious thing to be in order to avoid detentions.

"And the Hospital Wing?"

"Was for the mess of suits of armor he sent us running headlong into. I think Padfoot injured his wrist, and I bruised my ribs."

"I say," the knight exclaimed, having given up on mounting his horse and cocking his head curiously as he gazed at James. "Won't you introduce your friends, Knave?"

"What does the word 'knave' mean anyway?" I muttered to Remus. I really didn't want to introduce everyone if he was calling me names.

"Er, well," stalled Remus.

"Sir Cadogan, at your service!" the portrait announced, bowing and yet once more overbalancing and nearly falling.

"James Potter, and this here is Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew," said James wearily indicating both of us in turn. "Now, if you'll excuse us—"

"A pleasure to meet you, kind sirs!" interrupted Sir Cadogan. "Now, what merry adventure are you planning to take part in?"

"Well, actually, we're looking for a cat," Remus started to say, stopping when he noticed James's dismayed expression. "What is it?" he hissed.

"Three, two, one." James counted softly.

Just after his countdown, Sir Cadogan exclaimed, "I knew I saw a cat. Follow me!" He dashed to his pony, tried twice to swing astride it before giving up and attempting to draw his sword heroically. The sword was halfway out of his scabbard when the handle slipped from his fingers, embarrassing the knight. I watched in amazement as the knight thrust his sword into the ground, beckoned to us again to follow him, and stumbled off to the picture on his right. I felt James's hand on my shoulder and looked up at him.

"We're. Not. Following. Him," he declared, through gritted teeth.

I nodded. I had no intention on running around blindly, led on by a portrait who couldn't get detention. Besides, the silly thing hadn't answered my question. I sighed, then said, "So, Prongs, which floor are we on today?"

"Erm, seventh." He glanced around, nodding to himself. "We should go check on Padfoot, see if he's made any progress, then head to the kitchens for a snack. I'm starving and all Moony will talk about is steaks."

"Sorry, Prongs," grinned Remus, apologetically. "Wormtail did ask, though."

Yes, and for good reason! Wait. James wanted to go where before the kitchens? Check on Sirius?

"Prongs! We can't!" I exclaimed. "Padfoot didn't want to be disturbed. We need to go this way!"

I dragged him in the opposite direction from the corridor he had started heading toward. I wasn't exactly looking where we were going and the two of us plowed down Professor McGonagall in my haste.

"Oof!" she exclaimed as she fell on her back.

"Uh oh," muttered Remus, who had followed us.

"Potter! Pettigrew! No running in the corridors!" she snapped, returning to a standing position jerkily.

"Ah, sorry Professor!" I hurriedly exclaimed, hoping to avoid her wrath.

"We were just looking for my cat, Professor. You wouldn't have happened to see her around, have you?" asked James smoothly.

McGonagall narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "No, I haven't."

"Ah shucks," said James wearily, then beckoned to the two of us. "Well, if you spot her somewhere, please let me know. Come on, Moony, Wormtail! Let's search for more clues. Lils is hiding somewhere and it's up to us to find her."

"We'll see you around, Professor," Remus said before following James further down the hallway.

"Tata," I muttered before following the other two.

As soon as we were out of earshot, James turned and said to me, "Wormy, being just slightly better than Sir Cadogan is not a lofty enough goal for you. You need to strive to find better people to emulate."

"Who do you strive to emulate, Prongs?" I asked, curious now.

He gave me a secretive smile and said nothing.

"Eh? Prongs?"

He shook his head and then signaled silence.

I was now feeling quite confused. He wanted me to drop the subject already?

"Moony, do you remember that door over there?" he suddenly whispered nodding his head to the side.

Remus looked thoughtfully over in the direction James had indicated. He frowned, then looked around the corridor, gaining his bearings again. "No, honestly, I don't."

To me, the door James was questioning seemed an ordinary enough door, just like the one that led to the Charms classroom or the Transfiguration hallway. It wasn't narrow enough to be a broom cupboard, but it certainly wasn't fancy or ornate in any way. Was it really another secret passageway, like James was suspecting? It seemed rather anticlimactic if that was the case. I certainly had no memory of it ever being there before, and trust me, even in a castle like Hogwarts, there was a reason we were able to predict things on the map. The four of us pay special attention to corridors, doors, portraits, and statues, not to mention staircases and suits of armor. With all three of us not remembering the presence of this door, with me closest to the door, and with no map to check, I resigned myself to act.

I reached out a hand and tried the handle. It refused to turn. Ah, locked. "Prongs? What was the charm for unlocking again?" I casually ask.

He huffs and rolls his eyes. "Honestly, can't you think back to a first-year spell, Mr. Wormtail?"

"Sorry, Mr. Prongs," I huffed. "I just thought you'd be able to think faster than me."

Remus grinned broadly. "Perfect chance for a little revising Mr. Wormtail. Name three first-year charms listed in the Standard Book of Spells, Grade One."

"Mr. Moony!" I whined, really not wanting to humor him on the whole homework thing, after our teachers had so willingly given this Easter holiday with no assigned homework as a reward for how high our mock tests were when graded on an OWL standard, well, other than the whole wood catastrophe for me that indirectly led to this situation. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

I wanted to smack my forehead with my palm but resigned to fruitlessly trying the locked handle, now trying to think my way back to Charms in first year. What had we learned? "Wingardium Leviosa…" And then, no, summoning and banishing was last year, and cheering charms was third. I couldn't remember any Charms lessons in second year, but that was unsurprising as that was the year we finally figured out what Remus was and the year we began working on our Animagus transformations. And thus Transfiguration was the only class any of us paid any attention to that year, using the others to pass notes and theories. Drat! What else had we learned besides the unlocking charm? I wanted to save that for last, as I still couldn't remember the incantation for it.

James growing weary and bored with my silent thoughts, muttered, "Repairing…"

"Reparo," I grinned happily at James for helping me out of a tough spot with that word. "And the Unlocking Charm."

"Minus three points for inconsistency, Mr. Wormtail," evaluated Remus. "And the incantation for the Unlocking Charm is Alohomora."

"Ah! That's right! I knew that." I sheepishly directed my wand towards the handle and repeated the incantation, then tested the handle for any change. "It's still locked," I said, confused.

James groaned then gave me a little impatient shove. "Fine. Move over Wormy. Alohomora!" he commanded, testing the door himself afterward and finding it still locked. "What the owl?"

I turned to Remus. "You try, Moony."

He frowned. "It obviously is resistant to the charm. Is it magically locked in some other way?"

James started to tap a fist on the door to think and suddenly exclaimed. "Oh! Sheesh, that hasn't gotten me since first year, any of us, really." He started to laugh, without letting either of us know what struck him so funny.

"Prongs?" Remus and I asked in unison, after exchanging a confused glance and grinning in anticipation.

"It's… a… wall…" James managed to express through his now highly contagious laughing fit.

"It's a what?" asked Remus again, but I had finally caught on.

"Wall pretending to be a door?" I let out a shout of laughter.

"Oh my," muttered Remus, before chuckling and joining the laughter.

At least this faux pas of ours led to the cheering up of both of my companions and myself. So much the better for the attitude of searching out Evans, or I should say Lils. Drat. Still need to work on that. Item Seven, Item Sixteen. Item Seven, Item Sixteen. Item Seven, Item Sixteen.

Peter's List

Check. Item one: Hide the map.

Check. Item two: Tell Sirius.

Check. Item three: Laugh off any weird questions.

Check. Item four: But don't laugh when an ironic situation comes up.

Check. Item five: Take a deep breath if the subject comes up.

Check. Item six: Don't hyperventilate when others are discussing cats or Evans.

Check. Item seven: Just stop reminding myself that the cat is Evans.

Check. Item eight: Change the subject if it is hitting too close to home.

Check. Item nine: Don't look suspicious.

Item ten: Don't tell anyone the real reason for this list.

Check. Item eleven: Don't show fear of the cat.

Check. Item twelve: Do be very, very careful around Moony.

Check. Item thirteen: Don't talk or have any conversation with Dumbledore.

Check. Item fourteen: In fact, avoid Dumbledore completely.

Item fifteen: Never look at Evans directly in case her glare makes you feel guilty.

Check. Item sixteen: Make sure not to call Evans "Evans" around anyone who is not Evans.

Check. Item seventeen: Don't let James figure out the cat is Lily.

Check. Item eighteen: Steal Remus's chocolate.

Check. Item nineteen: Don't let Snape corner me about Evans or the cat.

Check. Item twenty: Interrupt Remus's thought processes as often as possible to prevent him from realizing the cat is Evans.

Item twenty-one: Don't hide any list or the map behind my back. Find a better hiding spot.

Check. Item twenty-two: Help Sirius get detentions to make him happy and keep him helping me.

A/N: As promised, I haven't given up on this story entirely, but it has fallen to a back burner somewhat. I'm sorry for the late update and I can't even promise more frequent updates in the future either. However, I will continue to work on and update this story as it progresses. Hopefully I've gotten most of the other characters settled enough in my head to allow these to play out their story once more.

Thanks to all my faithful readers for the reviews and the support. You really do have the ability to make my day! If anyone, and I mean anyone, has any ideas for Peter's list, go ahead and send me a PM or a review with your ideas. Cookies for reviewers!

Enjoy! And thanks for reading!