"Secrets"
By darthelwig
I don't own it! I swear!
Rating: T
Spoilers: If you've watched the first three episodes, you're good.
John has many secrets.
"It'll be our secret."
He had plenty of secrets- from all kinds of people. There was the secret of his identity. That was secret number one- the big one. The one that could save his life or get him killed. The world could see him any way it chose as long as no one saw the truth.
But there were smaller secrets too- things he couldn't tell his mother- things he'd thought, things he'd done, things he'd dreamt of… things he couldn't give voice to.
He was scared… always so scared. His life was a nightmare of running and hiding- always afraid that either Skynet's killers would find him or the police would finally track them down.
His mother knew how much he hated it, how much he longed to have a real life. She knew he was scared- but she didn't know the depth of that terror. He lived his life with a target on his back and that's what drove him.
He couldn't sit still. He didn't want to waste a moment of his existence. He didn't think about the consequences. He couldn't. If he thought about the danger too much it would paralyze him. If that happened, he really would be like a statue- a sitting duck.
So he didn't think. He acted. He lived like he didn't care. It was the only way to deal with his fear.
And, God, the guilt. It ate at him every day. His mother was in this position because of him. She had to make hard decisions, accomplish the damn near impossible, because she had to take care of him. He couldn't make those decisions yet. He just… he wasn't the person everyone believed him to be. He wasn't strong like his mother. She was the real hero. Every time she got her hands dirty, it was for him, and too many people had bled for his future.
And the only way to deal with that knowledge was not to deal with it at all. He told himself not to think about it. He put it out of his mind and tried to pretend he was normal and his life didn't resemble a science fiction movie.
That was another of his secrets- his greatest fantasy- he dreamt of living a normal, boring life. He'd thought they had managed to create one, but it turned out that his mother was right. No one was ever safe. They'd had to leave their nice, cozy life behind and go on the run again. He knew now that he would probably never have the life he dreamed of. His home wasn't filled with laughter and warmth. It was filled with the cold steel of guns.
He tried not to dwell on his disappointment too much, though it hurt like hell. It would only hurt his mother. For better or for worse, this was their life. Yes, they were trying to change it, but he wouldn't get his hopes up. Not yet. Even if they somehow managed to change the future, there was still the law to deal with. They were still fugitives.
So he would never tell his mother how he felt. It would only break her heart. She was already putting everything she had into just keeping him safe.
"You're safe."
"No one's ever safe."
It was true. No one was safe- especially around him.
And that was a secret he'd take to his grave. He was afraid he'd end up destroying his mother. He needed her so much and she felt so responsible for him. One day she would take on too much and it would kill her.
But that was just one more secret in a heart full of shadows.